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Guys, I need help!!!! Here I am just lost.....
THis is the 4th time in almost 3 years post divorce that I have not been able to sustain a relationship. What happens is: I meet a wonderful guy, we date, we like each other, we fall for each other, and then I crash. I end all communication, then crawl back to my own space and lick my wounds.
Then I find myself spiralling toward depression and anxiety again, which is where I am now. What's up with that? Am I just not healed (i always think I am, and then I start dating again), am I dating for the wrong reasons (i don't really know how to date casually, for just fun), am I too sensitive about having 3 teenagers, and trying to juggle a relationship too, or am i just CRAZY??????
I am going to a therapist Wed., and I am really looking for answers.
If any of you out there would like to play therapist with me, please do, I need help!!!!!
Should I just stay away from guys altogether while I heal????
KK

Hi KK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry you are in the pits...I can relate (((hugs))

Wanted to ask a couple of guestions. When you say you crash, what do you mean? Are you the one ending the relationships? If so, why? Maybe that might be a starting point on figuring out what's going on....

DW

By crash, I mean that I just start losing interest, and then I realize how much I really don't want to be serious.....Then I just really don't even want to see the guy anymore. Sick, huh? I don't really know why I do that, except all 3 times we were talking marriage, and I just knew that I wasn't ready to be married. This led to me breaking up, then, depression.....
thanks, DW,
I'm hoping to figure out how to deal with this. I hope every relationship I have doesn't end this way. Maybe I'm just dating the wrong guys.....
KK

KK,

I am not an expert here, or on dating in general, but I'll tell you what I think based on what you've said so far. First, you are not sick if you find yourself losing interest in a guy. It may be that he just isn't a good EN-match for you, and it's ok to be single.

That being said, I think you should look at whether the lack of interest & resulting depression really comes from the fact that you haven't found the right guy yet or from other hurts/feelings inside of you.

Maybe you are afraid of getting hurt again, so you back off, and then you feel down because somewhere inside you remember the pain of your first M? Maybe you are dating the wrong guys and when you realize it you feel depressed about ever finding the right one? Maybe it's a combination of things.

In my case, I've felt down because (1) I worked so hard to make the right decision when I M'd my ex/WH that I don't trust myself to make a good decision even after learning MB stuff; and (2) my M ended in a very painful, A/abuse/D situation and I just don't see love the same way I did 5 years ago. I also wonder how it seemed so easy for my H to find the OW (and subsequent OWs) and why it seems so hard for me to find a decent, legitimate, 2 yrs post D relationship.

I think talking to a professional would help sort it out.

One thing I'm going to do that may help you is to read "The One" by Harley and try to come up with more logical criteria for evaluating a particular guy/relationship and its progression. If you had those criteria in your mind, do you think you would feel less bad about ending a relationship that wasn't right for you?

Keep us posted...

THanks for replying, Nev....Your suggestions are good, and I will definitely have to check out the Harley book. Is that a new one? I really think that part of my problem (it's not really a problem) is that I always feel that a relationship takes away so much of my time and energy from my children, who I feel need me so much right now. If I can just hold on 4 more years until they are all in college.....the first 3 years have flown by, so......

If I can just keep my mind steadfast on my walk with God, my children, my job, then I should be okay.....It's just that from time to time I really want companionship, and that's when I get weak, and usually get on some online dating site, and end up dating someone....
I am trying to write everything down to tell the therapist tomorrow, and I will let you all know what she says.
Thanks for your input and help everyone!!!
KK

“””Then I find myself spiraling toward depression and anxiety again, which is where I am now. What's up with that?”””

If you were sharing this story with me over a cup of coffee, my first question would be “What are you afraid of?” That this has become a reoccurring theme in your life, initiated by yourself, would indicate to me that you bail because that’s safe and you know what it feels like, it’s predictable. So when you get to that place in the relationship fear must enter forcing you to go forward into the unknown or bail based upon a familiar feeling, you’ve chosen the latter, so what fear has propelled that decision.

“””Am I just not healed (i always think I am, and then I start dating again), am I dating for the wrong reasons (i don't really know how to date casually, for just fun)”””

I have no idea. I, personally, would put up your dating dress until you can work through whatever this is whether it be residual from childhood or something left over from your marriage.

“””Should I just stay away from guys altogether while I heal????”””

In my opinion, yes….. You have an unidentified issue but one that you know exists. So the options are to work through the issue or stuff it and move on. I hate stuffed issues, masked by a relationship or whatever else because they always always come back, only then they are more complex because then the feelings of two enter into the equation. If’n I were you, I’d put the dating thing on the back burner, go forth with therapy and reevaluate your stance in say, 3 months.

You are so right, Bill. I am filled with fear when it comes to relationships. Fear of failure, betrayal, or whatever, it does seem to take over.....I am anxious to get to the root of it and get it out of my life. I agree that I need to put dating on the way back burner, and then see where I am....maybe by June. I have always felt that as a Christian I should be able to work things out myself, with God of course, but I am starting to see patterns in myself that need the help of a counselor/therapist. I have my first session tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see how it turns out. thanks so much for posting, your thoughts and comments truly do help.
KK

KK, I think we have all been there. I know that it took me a long while to learn to trust women, and then longer to learn to trust my own judgement. Finally, after reading a book on self-confidence, I realized that I was waisting my energy trying to be both a fortune teller and a mind reader. So, now I trust my instincts. Generally, they are right.

One thing you might try and do is go the "first friends" route. Sure, some guys won't like that, especially if they are seeking a quick romance. But, other guys like the idea of geting to know a woman a bit before the romance. Often it's nice to meet and get to know somebody for a few weeks before dating them. Granted that is hard in today's world.

KK~~

Please let us know how your session went.......

Thinking of you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had same darn problem kk.

exactly the same. except for the depression. I would just dump and run.

why? if nobody catches me, then nobody can ever hurt me.

plus I discovered there were residual issues left with darth. i missed my H. was mourning the death of my h, and in shock over the appearance of the ws. just had trouble with it for a while.

for example...my date tonight and tomorrow evening..E...he is TOTALLY MR. PERFECT...handsome, tall, dark hair (which I prefer), some muscles...great smile...very charming...well educated...and was sooo into me.

but here was his problem..

HE WAS FIRST GUY I WENT OUT WITH LEGALLY AS A SINGLE GIRL. He kept pursuing. I kept running. I quit talking to him one day for no apparent reason. he still remembers this. it used to freak him out. then he realized he needed more time as a doc...his lovelife could wait as he has no life basically..but it got better this year a little bit. so he was kind enough to try once more.

it's amazing how you can suddenly feel all this good stuff...then not feel anything at all.

crazy it is.

but imho...it is probably due to residual feelings for the x. I used to feel like i was betraying my former H. not the ws...but the man i used to love. and then when day came which i considered point of no return, the day the baby was confirmed with ow, i think i spiraled down a bit. it totally killed me inside. and then i was just hurt, angry and maybe a touch of displaced agression for a while. poor e was the guy at the receiving end of it.

just realize that this is something you are doing that is a pattern. write down your thoughts why you did this with each guy. you will suddenly see the pattern emerge. it is a triangulation of feelings for me...i felt angry, sad, hurt, and was fearful of being ever abandoned again at same time. i felt all those things at once. at first, when i dated them, i'd feel great. then the bad stuff would creep in.

i started letting go of alot of it when i just decided to let life and all to do with my son come first. did that about a year ago. and dating took far back seat. helped me change my tune btw..

Thank you for your reply, Justin. How long do you feel that it took you to start trusting women, and your own judgment? I know it is a timing thing, but yeah, sometimes I find myself doing the fortune teller/mind reader thing.....
I think I need to take a break from dating since I'm thinking that my "picker" is broken. Yeah, I'm pretty picky about who I initially go out with: I want them to be a Christian, with interests similar to mine. but after that, I ALWAYS start thinking "this is the one!!!" Then comes the breakup, and the crash. so, I need to get to the point where I don't automatically fall in love with everyone I go out with, know what I mean?????

Devastated wife:
Thanks for the thoughts. The therapy session went well. I do have some issues, which we're working on identifying....and will go from there. She suggests a break in the dating for now until I can get past some of that. A big part of my problem is a big loss of self esteem, which I need to get back before going out again. I need to be able to calmly think: no, he's nice and sweet, but he's not for me......I don't know why I always have to think that whoever I'm dating is like the last one on earth, so I better grab him up!!!! Gotta get over that!!!

Peachy,
Thanks for your reply. You had some very good things to say, and it helps to know that you can relate to some of the things I'm going through. Yes, I am realizing there is a pattern, yes, I am scared of being abandoned again, and many other things. I am trying to focus more on my life, my kids, job, church, and let dating take a back seat also....hard to do, but necessary in my case I believe. Thanks again....

Well KK, sounds like a good plan. Definitely work on yourself, heal, before venturing out there. That's where I'm at...

Hugs!
DW