Thanks Dorry it was my Birthday and our 11th Anniversary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FF...it was really hard and a long internal process but my anger was getting worse so his habit of ignoring problems (and me) got worse...therein the cycle escalated. My inner anger scared me and I wanted to change how I reacted as it certainly wasn't healthy and didn't achieve diddly squat! I started to hold my tongue, breathe and try and say it calmly but I wasn't very good at my DJs and I still said things in a really cutting manner if he didn't "hear" what I was saying.

I've only learnt through reading and practice for months how to calmly state my side and I've now learnt how to ASK for what I want. I've also learnt that I don't necessarily get what I want or need immediately or even in the form I'm expecting but Friday's example showed both husband and I that conflict resolution could be a pleasant experience for the both of us.

It's a first.....but it was so encouraging.

I'm sorry you had a tough time...3 weeks is a long time...is there any practical reason why he couldn't fulfill that need? Or is he just being stubborn? (is that a DJ????) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

(((((FF)))))

I am brand-new to this site. It is quite important to my H. that I begin to communicate with others in my situation. I had a brief affair late summer, early fall '05 with a colleague. It was somewhat complicated as technically I was his boss and technically he was my evaluator in my job. We could have completely destroyed our lives, our spouses lives and our 5 children's lives with the selfishness we acted on. A phone call over a weekend while I was with my H. was the catalyst for the unveiling of the worst mistake I have ever made. I have not blamed anyone except myself. I have 2 children d-14, s-12 from a previous marriage, pre-A there were power struggles about where I spent my time and energy. I felt torn on weekends when my kids would have games but I couldn't go because of my agreement with H. to spend our weekends together alone without attending their functions. Should I have ever agreed to that without expressing my heart? No. I realize that now. I also became overwhelmed because I was doing consulting on the side and was in grad-school. I didn't know if I was coming or going and felt impending doom but never thought I would bring it on myself. Besides the OM and I working on several high profile projects together that brought profesional fulfillment, the OM is an adolescent psychologist. My "usually pleasant" teenage daughter had several issues over the summer. I felt like my decision to marry again had something to do with her "new" attention seeking behavior. I talked to OM about it. We began discussing our private lives. I found out he was unhappy in his marriage. And then everything crumbled. We were on a business trip when I decided to join the group out on the town. I don't drink. H. and I have experienced enough pain from alcohol and we chose not to drink and hadn't for the four years we had been together. I was tired and overwhelmed. My employees were thrilled that I actually joined them socially. As the night wore on the OM and I were with a group the whole time. I ended up telling him I was attracted to him. He reminded me that he was married and that he had not and would not cheat on his wife. We ended up talking until early morning with another person present. I apologized to him and then tried to figure out how I was going to tell my H. That was the extent of the "line crossing" for a couple of weeks. It was after we returned home that OM came to me one day and told me how amazed he was that I would feel that way about him. Blah. Blah. Blah. I was in over my head in no time. I guess I am saying way too much. The bottom line is that I love my husband. I have had NC since the NC e-mail 10/26. I have dropped all graduate work and stopped consulting so that we can focus on our marriage. My H still has a lot of unresolved anger. How do I help him deal with it? I wondered if it was right that he was buying lingerie and sending flowers to me after he found out about the affair. He enacted Plan A with me. He has been nothing but supportive through my father's 58 days in ICU, took care of my kids through that and then supported me through my own emergency surgery. He has been so incredible but I am frightened. Yesterday, he clouded up BIG TIME he said things tha made me feel like we were back at square one and that our hard work together was negated. I had the same suicidal feelings I was having two months ago. What can I do to help us through this anger? Sorry this is so long. Thanks for any advice you have for us. We both want it to work.

2melancholy...

First, I'd just like to say welcome...I am really glad that you are here. This site has worked "wonders" for my husband and I, and I know that it will do the same for the two of you. Have you guys read Surviving An Affair and/or His Needs Her Needs? If not, it would be well worth it for both you and your husband to do so. Also, though I, as well as the other FWWs here, will always welcome your posts to this thread...(hey pull up a chair and grab some coffee or tea, as a matter of fact <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) I still think that you would benefit greatly from starting a personal thread...the insight of others that don't necessarily read our thread would be invaluable...anyway...

I know that you know that your H is really hurting right now...in the beginning there is shock and a desire to keep you in the marriage with Plan A...but now you're back, the initial shock has worn off and though he still wants you there, the pain is now fully affecting him. I would suggest being very understanding and asking him what he needs you to do...Does he want details, if so, give them to him...whatever he wants in regards to the A you should oblige...(abusive requests excepted-though I'm sure that is NOT the case from the sound of your post...merely a disclaimer.)

Recovery is a process...there are peaks and valleys, a rollercoaster, as I'm sure you've read. Baby steps...it is oh so worth it...it truly does sound like you guys are off to a good start, so chin up and start Plan Aing your H...and remember the welcome mat is always here for you.

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

P.S. Does your H already post here? If not, please encourage him to do so...there is much to gain for the two of you here...

MrsWondering I am 2melancholy's BS "merlin2. You are one of the ones that I told my FWW about. I have great admiration for the wisdom you bring to this forum.
Merlin2

SF, I think it is pure stubborness but since we have had many false recoveries I have no real reason to trust him. I have tried to explain it to him calmly but my temper is a problem. I am now taking everything one day at a time. IF this is another false recovery it WILL be the last so why panic? FL is helping me a great deal by reminding me I am not helping anyone by LBing and my AO's. What did you read that helped you?

Welcome to our thread 2melancholy. I have a question for you. Have you and your H resolved the weekend issue? I think given your children are only young once that a compramise in that area is called for.

FF, well you certainly made me think with your question! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> A lot of books and posts here at MB have accumulated in my pea-brain and nagged me to change the way I react and act. The book(s) that really started this off for me were the autobiographies by Joan Anderson. I read A Year By The Sea in 2003 and loved it....it described exactly what I wanted to do back then, take a sabbatical from my life. Then at the end of the book her husband joins her on Cape Cod and they begin trying to re-learn to live together. The next book An Unfinished Marriage takes it further. It planted the seed that sometimes you have to re-learn your behaviour....what you do now is not set in stone.

When we were just starting recovery I read all the A books and most of Dr Harley's. Then to do something different together hubby and I listened to the CD version of Change Your Life In Seven Days by Paul McKenna. It's a self-improvement CD/book. The process was fascinating and then I started reading about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) which is the process he bases this on. NLP is a therapy technique that allows you to re-wire your thoughts and your reactions to them. Those things that immediately make your hackles rise (ILs for example) well there were techniques to detach yourself from the feelings and stop your reaction to it. It began working....albeit very slowly.

I wanted to help the process and stop my AOs and DJs so I started listening to myself when I did it and analysing what I was saying and why it had happened....because I could feel the anger rising and I just let it spew forth. Over the last year or so I have practiced pushing any anger away as soon as I began to feel it and state my displeasure in a calm way instead....it's not easy I know, especially when hubby is behaving in the same way as always but I decided regardless of that I wanted to stop reacting.

I suppose it's a little like giving up anything.....it's what you know best because these patterns have grown in the relationship. Giving up those patterns and replacing them with healthy alternatives takes time.

I'm still working on it!!I'm HORRIBLE at a certain time of the month...I'm changing my diet to try and counteract that.

SF, thanks so much! You have given a great start.

H and I did the Pacific Institutes Investment in Excellence when we first started recovery - he had already done it - and it didn't help him TOO much - but it was GREAT for me in figuring out where I was - the changes I wanted to make. It was alot like giving it to God...but showed the logical side of it - so people who didn't have a God could work with it too - I adapted it to work with my relationship with God and most of goals in the program revolved around it

http://www.pac-inst.com/

Thanks, Dorry. I book marked the site. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2melancholy--

Unfortunately, I don't have too much advice at this point, but I can tell you that you aren't alone!

I had a ONS in Aug 05, and I told my H soon after. Initially, he was very affectionate, kind, loving, then one day, several months later, BOOM he was closed off and told me that he didn't want to touch me or spend time with me and that the only reason he was sticking around was for the kids, not because he wanted to. If he had his way, he would be out of there.

Right now, I am trying to figure out how to help my H get through the anger stage. I truly want things to work, but I don't know if he does or not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What I am learning from the people here is that it takes time. Hang in there, and I will be hanging in there right next to you!

me

Hello everyone. I am feeling particularly, I don't know, upbeat and happy today and I just wanted to share! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here is some cheer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

I have nearly reached the two year recovery mark....and though I can't say everything is easy--it certainly is much BETTER! Hang in there!

Ahuman, you posted at 2:30 in the morning, don't you mean you're particularly happy tonight? LOL

I am a FWW, getting a divorce. I need help, bad. How do I recover? How do I change and grow? It seems as though I can't find anyone or any advice on here for a wayward to move on. To feel like I am not a bad person anymore. I have heard over and over how horrible that I am, how can I stop feeling this way? Do I even deserve happiness after hurting someone so bad?

payingnow, of course you can have and do deserve happiness after hurting someone so bad. as you know from this thread, it happens to a lot of us and we're not bad people. Yes, what we've done is not ok and is going to hurt our BS and in some cases end in divorce but life goes on. It'll hurt at first but just stay strong and after time it'll get better. Hopefully others will have some better advice for you but I just wanted to give you a few words of encouragement.

Payingnow.... ????

on your other thread you're a man ???



[color:"purple"] I'm confused ????? [/color]

Good morning again ladies!! Cheers and I hope you all have a great day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Right, I am either a nutty insomniac....or living on the other side of the planet!

Hello ladies -

I hope you don't mind a male (BS) popping in, but I was hoping you could give me a little insight as my wife and I start our walk down recovery lane.

We're about 4 weeks into recovery, with a shaky start to NC (last contact was about a week and a half ago, initiated by OM).

I've read SAA, so I believe that my wife (Magpie on the boards) is going through withdrawal. Our MC gave us an exercise to do called Caring Days Exercise, where each spouse writes a list of things they would the other spouse to do for them, and then they exchange lists. Each spouse is supposed to do one thing from the list each day (whether they feel like it or not) for 2 weeks, and then increase it to 2 things/day.

I gave her my list (all 5 things...it was hard to think of demonstrable things she could do when all I want is the non-demonstrable <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) this weekend.

Last night she told me that she can't think of anything that she needs or wants from me, though she will accept whatever I give her. She's also willing to do the things on my list for me.

Is this a variation on the WS not allowing the BS to meet their ENs? Or is this something new? I am committed to doing everything I can to meet her needs and show her my love, and so far she's been pretty receptive to that, and when she's not I try not to take it personally (with varying degrees of success).

She knows that at some point she's going to have to open back up to me (make herself vulnerable) if she truly wants to rebuild our marriage.

For the record, I do believe that is her desire, and I do believe that NC is being maintained, though the door has not been closed as firmly as I would like (i.e., no NC letter yet, and no firm declaration from her to OM to never contact us again). I will be bringing up the letter again in our MC tomorrow.

Sorry if this is a threadjack. I just wanted to get some perspective/info from FWWs that have been down this path before. Thanks.

BB, my guess is that since NC is just in its infancy that MP is not ready for you to meet her needs. Do the best you can to meet her needs as you see them and allow her to care for you. It will come but she still needs to go through withdrawl.

i am sure you do not mean this to sound negative, however, to my ears it is. or maybe better put discouraging. all you want is for her to NOT be with another person right?? is that really what you want to be saying to her? that all you want is for her to be faithful. that does not sound like much of a relationship to me. i want my DH to want more from me. i want to know what I can give to him that is special.

as far as her list... encourage her to keep thinking, tell her you really do want to know what makes her feel special. until she can give you a list, try to come up with your own ideas

and be sure to let her know this is what you are doing.

"i washed your car for you today because i want you to feel cared for. i would like to know if that accomplished my goal. i am always open to hear any ideas from you."

i have no idea of washing her car is something that will do anything for her, that is not the point. until she tells you ideas, you come up with some and let her know, what you did, why you did it, and that you are open to her.