Finallylearning and SC--your discussion above reminds me of a quote:

"Stop thinking, and end your problems."
Lao Tzu 500 B.C.

This may sound like an odd question, FL do you live in a city?

i am near a big city, but not in city limits. i live in a suburb. why do you ask?

i like your quote. i might add it to my sig line!!!

FL,

I was just wondering because your posts sound like me when I have been in the hustle of stuff and away from "nature" for an extended period of time.

I tend to get wound up in my life and unnecessarily stressed, and it helps me to reconnect with just existing sometimes. I find I can reconnect quickly, when I get away from "society" and go somewhere remote where I can, for example, just watch the clouds, listen to the wind, or look at the stars and consider how short and insignificant my little life is respect to everything else....it seems I always come back with much simpler expectations--and much more satisfaction from just being.

May not be what you personally are dealing with--just an idea based on my own experience.

Ahuman,

well, it is winter here and i cannot be out much. i like to be outdoors, riding my bike is most favorite thing, there is a great trail by my house thru the forest perserve, playing some b-ball with my son, frisbee in the park, jogging at night (i like the dark, no one can see me then!!), stuff like that.

you are right, i miss that. i try to be out as much as i can whenever possible, we have had some stretches of really cold, but then some stretches of not too bad.

tonight wasn't too bad, so i went jogging/walking for 60 min, it was good. thanks for the thought

payingnow,

Please give yourself permission to start your own thread, maybe your own name, new? I would like to know what a reverse Plan A is and your whole story, as you see it now.

You're worth it. Begin your own. Like FF, I've been in your shoes. You can do this. Listen to FF. I do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

How do I go about getting my own name? It won't let me get a new log on name I think because my H had already used our email to post here. When I first starting posting here, I think it was around August of 2004, I think. I told my whole story and someone suggested to me that I start a reverse plan A. So I did everything I could to meet his needs, to make him want me back. I guess that's the simplest way to put it. I am hesitant to start my own thread..as in the last week I have posted three or four times and it seems that all (most)of the feedback I have gotten, or have read on other posts is WS bashing. Not that I don't deserve this. I do. But that doesn't excuse the fact that I love my husband so much that I'm willing to do just about anything to make this work. I'm just confused. I read on here where someone said that the best thing that a WS can do is turn and never look back. I find myself telling myself that for him, since he doesn't want me, that's what I should do. Let him go, so that he can be happy. On the other hand, I have so much faith in US that I just want to try and show him how good we can be. But it has been two years now since the A was exposed and he says he has prayed and prayed but the Lord will not let him forgive or forget, thus he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. We have had so many good times together in the last two years...a cruise for one of our anniversaries, camping all the time, going to Myrtle for vacation, I bought him Titans tickets for his graduation. And we have fought a lot...due to my suspicions of him cheating (which eventually I found out I was right) and his lies. He even lies to me about time spent with his parents. He tries to hide it. I could type my story for hours and still don't feel like it would ever get told. Are there any books that anyone can suggest to me that would help me? I mean, this divorce is going though most definitely...also...we are still having "relations" (not sure what the MB lingo is for sex). Should I continue to do this? I want to, it makes me feel closer to him. But afterwards I just want to ask him...why are we doing this? He says he don't want me in his life, but he doesn't care to lie with me...that totally confuses me. I'll hush now. I feel that somehow I'm boring you guys. And I do appreciate what input I have gotten from the ones who have posted back. Thank you so much! From the bottom of my heart.

Hi payingnow,

If you want a new name, I'm afraid you'll need a new email account to open it with. You can get a freebie at yahoo.

I was totally in your shoes, and I have a few suggestions:

You aren't boring us. You can talk as MUCH as you need, or want to. ::::

As long as your H isn't having relations with anyone else... If it REALLY, TRULY makes you feel close to your H to continue having sex with him, by all means do it. I don't know your story, but if he is having sex with *anyone else* then you must protect yourself. Get tested for STDS and use protection...

You can do a reverse Plan A, which can be very effective. It takes TIME, something that feels fleeting, I know.

You will notice that I am both a FORMER WW and BW. I know how you feel. Many, many hugs!! Stay in this thread, and avoid any that bash WW's. While yes, we may have made VERY poor CHOICES to have affairs, THAT DOES NOT MAKE US BAD PEOPLE. Feel shame, remorse, and use those feelings to NEVER make that choice again, but not to beat yourself up.

I'm sorry your H is choosing not to save your marriage. He hasn't filed divorce yet? If not, he may be confused and still wondering...

Anyway, hopefully something I've said will help to welcome you, and to uplift you.

I don't know if he's having sex with anyone else or not. He has always said he'd tell me if he was, but I have found out that was a lie. Here's a long story as short as I can make it:
Married 03/2001. Husband never stayed at home, first love was hunting. I would come home, fix his supper and serve him, put his plate away...never got a thank you or this was good or tasted like poop...nothing. Most of the time the phone would ring before he got through eating (a hunting friend) and would talk to him the whole time he was eating...if not, then he'd be focused on ESPN. Many times completely ignoring anything that I said. He'd then change clothes, go to his parents house and visit with them while it was getting dark. Then hunt. I went to bed and then he'd come home no earlier than 1AM. This was every night, I'm not exxagerating...unless it was raining or he was sick. I remember always walking him to the door and he would say sometimes, "would you rather me stay at home?" And I'd say, "yes I would rather you stay at home but I'm not going to tell you that you cannot go." He was this way while we dated, but stupidly I thought that after we were married that he would stay at home a little more. And it wasn't even the being gone every night that did it, it was the no communicating part. It was, visting with his parents every night before he went hunting instead of using that extra time to stay at home with his wife. If we did have a night when he didn't hunt, we always had to go spend it with his brother and his wife, not alone. He wasn't meeting my EN. A man at work did. 12-2001, Selfishly I engaged in an affair. I got pregnant with my first child, the PA continued for about six months. I ended the physical part, and it continued as an EA. We didn't go out, just mainly talked on the phone and left each other voice mails. My husband found out about the phone calls in Aug 2003. I quit my job. We went to one MC, about 10 times I'd say. Up until this point I was denying the A, and told H we only talked on the phone. 02/2004. I admitted to A in counseling, we continued counseling some more (I was then pregnant with our 2nd child) and When the MC started telling my H that it was time to start taking the steps to move on, H said he wanted to quit going. We spoke of D but netiher filed as I didn't want one. And he was on the fence. We worked somewhat on M. Fought a lot. Had good times, bad times. This went on and on, though things were bad I didn't have an idea what was about to happen. Around June/July 2005.H took a second job, money from 2nd job was being put into an account in his mothers name. Suspicious voice mails left on his phone from a co-worker "just thought you'd like to hear my voice today", she called his cell and I answered, she would say she had wrong # and hang up, H would say it was about work but would refuse to call her back. A lot of unaccounted time on his part. I knew he was having A but had no proof. He would lie to me about everything, I mean everything. He said he was not seeing this girl, just friends. In August 2005 I was served D papers. I got a lawyer and counterfiled in Sept 2005. I am 5-6 months preg at this time. We would talk and talk, (this is when I was doing reverse plan A). He wanted to know the explicit details of my A, I cooperated and told him everything. He had originally thought A was one night stand, I admitted it happened more than just once. We continued life as normal during this time. Camping...going away for the weekends. We had mediation Feb 14, 2005 and H first decided at mediation that he wanted to try and work on M. Then he changed his mind and said he wanted to do mediation. We started mediation and lawyers told us that it was clear that we both loved eachother very much and they tought we could work this out, wait six months. H agreed, with these stipulations 1. Resume counseling 2.Move 3.Get my mother to quit saying bad things about him (I mad the mistake of confiding in my mother about some things I haven't mentioned, if needed I will explain) and 4. Get a job. (was staying at home with our some, as my H told me that he didn't trust me to get a job anyway). OK, here goes. The next day he tells his brother that he never even mentioned reconciliation that the lawyers said that "this is they way they wanted to do it". Continued to lie to me about everything he did..where he went, etc. Refused to go to counseling, said he couldn't get promotion at work to move, I got a job and mom keeps her mouth shut. We work on marriage, we fight. Off and on off and on. (by the way, had baby in January 2005, H denied he was father. Even though affair ended in Aug 03, had DNA test. he is father). I was still suspicious of him, due to his lies. He became cold to me. Hateful all the time. Said it was becuase of my "digging". His brother has called and left nasty messages on our machine at home calling me stupid ******, his mother and father continued to not welcome me in their house, talk about me like a dog to everyone they could, be rude to me when they did see me. Ok, the other day...I went in and checked his email...found message that proved he did have A with coworker mentioned earlier. I called her, she denies it, said she didn't know what I was talking about. Oh yeah, this email was from August 2004, so my suspicions were correct about H and her. He works with her full time now in the office together. Although they both claim that she is married (she has changed her last name on her voice mail at work). but sill he lied about her. I deserved it. So I bring home the email that I found...all he says is "I never slept with her". Wouldn't give me any more info. Said he wasn't happy, I wasn't happy and he didn't love me like a husband should and he wanted out. Said he'd prayed and prayed and the Lord would not let him forget. I at first, tried to talk him into going back to MC. But we wouldn't do anything but disagree with everything I was trying to say. He said my snooping drove him to this, that he would never trust me and I would never trust him even though he NEVER gave me a reason no to. Go figure. That what he did with OW was wrong in God's eyes but not his.
This was two weeks ago on Thursday. For the next three nights I slept in other room. Then he started bringing home movies for us to watch, having sex again, putting his arms around me, touching me..showing affection. It hasn't been brought up since. So, with all this said. Is it over? Or do I try plan A again? I don't know if he has someone else or not, I am still suspicious of him due to his lies. I mean, if he'll lie about meeting his parents at Cracker Barrell then he'll lie about anything. And there has been a lot of unaccounted time.
Sorry this is so long. Tried to make it as short as I can.I am afraid to get another email acct at yahoo or hotmail due to crossing a line with him.
Any input would be appreciated.

bump ^

(what are we doing way down here anyway)

payingnow, i'm sorry i don't have time to read all this right now, i'll try to later. i can at least tell you, sex=SF (sexual fullfillment)

hang in there.

one more thing... post out of this thread would be good for you, you would get more posts and probably better advice (no offense to us, i just think you need to hear from people on both sides of it, not to mention specifically JL!! he is great).

the thing is, you do have to learn to have thicker skin. just read everything, ignore the bashing but NOT the stuff that forces you to think and really look at everything.

sometimes it's the hard stuff that we read that helps us the most.

you could get some really good help "out there", and then you can always come back here and vent <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FL SAID

Thats really cute you do that!

Your post inspired me to go for a run last night...why do I ever stop! Thanks for the motivation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope things are less wound up for ya!



Payingnow...welcome. Paragraphs please! I would love to follow your posts, but I keep losing my place! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

on page 3 this time!!

you are welcome ahuman, i just got done with a 60 min bike ride (in my basement). i really didn't want to do it but i so badly want to lose weight!!!

i'm not having a good evening. thankfully it is pretty much done anyway.

will i ever get to a point where i feel comfortable in my skin more often than i feel uncomfortable???

Sorry guys - not on much on the weekend.

So today I am getting motivation to do the eliptical machine today!

BTW FL if you do 20 minutes - but in intervals like - 1 min as hard as you can, then 2 minutes at a normal pace, then 1 min again - giving it your ALL...and continue it this way - the 20 minutes will be more effective then just going for 60 minutes. To really reach the peak effectiveness to lose the weight etc - you have to reach that peak - you have to raise that heart beat and be pushing as HARD as you possibly can.

When you do the hour workout - usually it's the last 10 minutes that are most effective as after 50 minutes you are pooped...

I learned this from a personal trainer I had years ago, and from my H who used to train people to get in shape in the military....

Both also told me - rest in between days - so if you do cardio on Monday and then some weights on your arms, then the next day do cardio and weights on your legs...if you are doing any weights, give your muscles a day in between to rest <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> More effective I guess....the things we learn.

I am going to try for 4-5 days a week of cardio with switching out weights - it only takes a half hour to an hour a day (20 min cardio like I explained, then 10-30 minutes of weight/situps)

Okay - lets see if i do it today LOL...

hi dorry, i was wondering how you were doing. it seems like i had not seen you post much last week.

thanks for the advice, my DD says her health book says to do 60-90 min of cardio most days. she is helping me by keeping track of my min. i'm not sure she will approve of me reducing the number of minutes!!!

however, tonight, i will do the 1 min on hard, 2 min normal. the question will be, how long can i do all that, (my goal will still being 60 min).

good luck on your eliptical machine today.

i have not been doing much weights. i have been doing 150 situps (2 sets, 75 each set) every other day.

Why not today, right now, as you are!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Payingnow -

I don’t have access to computer a lot during the day, so I’m only able to read and post occasionally, but I was thinking about you and thought I’d try to see if I could offer any insight or answer any of your questions. I’m afraid I might not be of much help, but here goes.

(By the way, it would be easier to read your posts if you would put your writing into paragraphs.)

I’ve gotten a little confused. Are your D proceedings underway, but you still live together? Have you had STD testing? That would be a good idea, for obvious reasons.

It sounds like your H can’t decide what he really wants to do. Either that, or he is cake eating. Do you think his A was for revenge? It seems like MC would be the best way for you and your H to sort this all out, although I know you wrote that your H was against it.

“Said he'd prayed and prayed and the Lord would not let him forget…. That what he did with OW was wrong in God's eyes but not his.” This line of ‘reasoning” is very confusing. Do you attend a church? Do you have a pastor you could talk to? Would your H agree to talk to a pastor or Christian counselor?

“He said my snooping drove him to this” This is pure fog speaking - trying to blame you for his actions.

I don’t know what to offer as far as reassurance goes. All I know is that neither one of you can change the other - each can only make changes in himself or herself. I’m really trying to think of something helpful to say, but this is all I can come up with for now.

“Are there any books that anyone can suggest to me that would help me?” The books listed on this site would be a good place to start. There have also been a couple of threads on this board where people listed of all kinds of books they had found helpful. Can anyone help me find one of those threads and make a link?

God bless,
Rose

Hi FL -

Sorry for the delay in replying. Things seemed to be busy with payingnow, and I didn't want to interrupt the flow on this thread.


That is difficult for me, but I have been trying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


To follow this line of reasoning, I would say something like this:

"I don't feel cared about. Showing that you understand my pain would help me feel cared about." as opposed to "I don't think you care about me, you don't understand my pain"?

Is that what you're driving at? It took me probably 5 minutes to word that sentence...if I'm on the right path, I hope it gets easier the more I do it, or I'm going to have "script" everything I say to her on paper or we'll suffer very long pauses in our conversations <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Sorry for missing the question the first time around. Short list off the top of my head, and these may not even be entirely valid:

1. The NC Letter has not yet been written and sent (she did committ to doing it in the next couple of days last night).
2. She has not demonstrated any real remorse (at least from what I can see).
3. She knows I am incredibly hurt, but doesn't understand why (based on the conversation that started my original series of posts).
4. It seems that (in the last week), she's pulling even further away from me, even while I'm trying to pull closer to her.

These are not necessarily fair statements....more along the lines of how I feel think, and I am trying to maintain some objectivity here (though being so close to the situation that's nigh impossible).


Yes, what you wrote does help me. I didn't take it as a 2x4, but I don't mind the occasional 2x4 as I can be quite dense at times. Thanks for the input and suggestions...I will try to put them into practice in future conversations with my wife.

HI BB,

I wondered if you had seen that post to you. I'm glad you did, and i'm glad it has given you some things to ponder.

i saw your thread to MM. It was a good read for me too.

regarding you carefully worded sentence, yes, that was a good way to say it, and i do think it would get easier the more you do it.

i would say objectivity is very hard to maintain, and understandable so!!! not being solidly in NC yet, means you guys are not really solidly in recovery yet. I give you so much credit for sticking with this. I sincerly hope your wife will soon see that too.

Hey guys - bumping this

also asking if anyone of you can head over to cabinfever's thread and say hi and see if we can help her out!

Bumping this since no one has posted- may be helpful to someone else!

I am a FWW, but I am still really struggling with withdrawal from the OM. Any thoughts? It's been about six weeks, and I want to make my M work, but I really miss the OM.