I've seen much talk here about EXPOSURE but I wonder if everyone providing that advice blindly understand the RISKS involved..

Keep in mind that someone's H or W could be screwing around with a lunatic, who could snap if their spouse found out about their behavious or A. You never know.. Should one not focus on their own spouse and not get OM's or OW's spouse involved.. for what purpose.. does it really help severe anything if two parties are already taking the risk of cheating?? really?

I wonder if Harley and MB's supports this immediate and blind EXPOSURE of A to OM's or OW's spouse without analyzing it more carefully for the sake of family protection, etc...

I'm still wrestling with screwing up an OM's world by exposing his inappropriate emails to my W, after she asked him to stop.. and I'm NOT afraid of any consequences since I'm usually armed..

huh?

How about one simple phrase. To get the affair to stop. You have no idea if this guy is a serial sheater either. Your wife may be next on his list. His wife may know and this could be the last straw for her. At this point she may be the only one to pressure him to stop. Besides she deserves the right to know. Put yourself in her shoes, you would want to know and you would want it stopped! Continue down the path you are on and she may be in his bed soon! Did she maybe ask him to stop cause she was caught or she came to you and told you he will not stop. Pal, it is called a blocker on her email. Turn it on for his addy. If she insists that is not needed, stand by to stand by!

Double HUH????????

EArthman, let me ask you a question and please think it over carefully before you answer. Let's say your neighbor's bookkeeper is embezzling money from him and you warn your neighbor. The bookkeeper is exposed as a thief to the community. Who is responsible for "screwing up" the bookkeeper's life? You? Or the bookkeeper?

My WH said the OW's Husband beats her. That I was putting OW in danger by exposing. She's still alive. And if she's married to a lunatic, then having an A is a sure-fire way to get the crap beat out of her.

Kim

I've seen exposure end lots of affairs here. Also one BS got beat up and hospitalized by the OW after exposure. So I think it is definately worth the risk - but I always advise folks to watch their back.

I think not exposing is just another way to justify not doing anything about it.

This exaggerated hypothetical could be used as an excuse to avoid just about anything. Anyone, anywhere could be a lunatic, even the grocery store clerk. Even the car wash attendent.



Yes, it is probably the most effective weapon against affairs. There have been cases here where the affair has abruptly ended the day it was exposed. In other cases, it caused so much conflict that it hastened its end. Either way, the OP's spouse should always be notified so they can protect themselves frm their spouse and affair partner.


For the sake of the family and for their protection, Harley has recommended "doing everything short of taking out a billboard." It is in the family's best interest for the affair to STOP and this what exposure can achieve. Affairs are not good for families.

My WH said the same thing--and more--and you know what, they are both still alive and have both filed for a D. OW's D is final this week, and our's not yet. See, it really is a tactic. I learned this here. Didn't warm up to it immediately. Took some really coaching from some. But it's script, I have learned, from many WS's.

My H even said he would kill himself if I did--and you know what, he's still around, still with her, and still the same manipulative person he was before.

I agree, if someoneis so abused--why on earth would they 1) risk more abuse? or 2) even want to be around another man?

I had the same questions and fears at first, I will admit.

Contrary to what everyone else has said, I think Earthman's question is an interesting one, which is actually deserving of a lot of consideration, if only because so much of the conventional wisdom in such circumstances simply dictates "expose, expose, expose" and then "expose some more." And for many people who come to this and other websites seeking advice and guidance as to what to do, many are simply given a lot of rote advice without much regard to the unique circumstances which affect the person asking for advice.

The way I see it, exposure works in certain situations and in others, it's just not the appropriate thing to do. For example, I can think of at least several reasons why exposure might not be appropriate, e.g., when the WS has already cut off contact with the OP, and committed to reconciliation, there may be no purpose to be served by exposure. In that kind of scenario, exposure might actually impede reconciliation, and serve only to unduly embarrass all the parties (including the BS). On the other hand, if there's been no NC established and the A is still ongoing, then by all means, exposure is probably one of the things to consider if the WS refuses to come out of the fog and recognize the consequences of their behavior.

But exposure is merely one of the tools a BS has at their disposal to effectuate a desired result (putting the A under the glare or bright sunlight for all to see, to get a foggy WS to see that it's all just a fantasy, or to get an OP who is married to throw the WS "under the bus", etc.). But it's a tool that has to be used wisely, timely and judiciously, otherwise it may in fact backfire.

Earthman's other concerns are also equally valid, i.e., no one sitting behind a computer screen doling out advice to others sitting behind their computer screens can really say how people in the real world are going to react when dealing with such things. There are simply too many human personality and behavioral variables at play for any of us to say whether exposure is or is not the desired course of action.

The most any of us can do here is look at a given fact situation, apply our own experiences, common sense and logic, and a hopefully somewhat more clinical and detached point of view that the person seeking the advice who is likely caught up in too much emotional turmoil to think straight. And while it's probably more true than not that in 99.9% of the situations that exposure is the right course to take, it is something that requires a lot of thought as to not only what one is trying to accomplish, but also a good deal of knowledge about the people involved. While its often difficult to know a lot about the OP, it's important to do as much digging and detective work BEFORE exposing so you'll at least be somewhat prepared for what may transpire after exposure occurs.

Anyway, my only real point is that Earthman's questions aren't as silly as they may sound, at least IMHO.

Exposure is used to kill the affair or hasten its death. Nothing more. What is so hard about that.

Most people here wouldn't recommend exposing if affair is over. As you correctly say, this serves no purpose.


Exposure is the single most effective weapon to end an affair.

* An affair is not "over" until both participants have lived out their natural lives without any further contact.

* Almost every affair that has been discussed on this site has been "over" several times when it really wasn't over.

* Almost every affair participant lies about thir contact with the affair partner.

* Almost every affair participant makes emply promises about ending the A.

So, I still would say that exposure to the spouse of the affair partner is appropriate - as long as the (supposedly) "former" affair parter is living.

Even if there has been no contact for some period of time (months, years), the affair often restarts.

My XW didn't communicate with her OM for over a year at one point. Her A was "over" 5 or 6 times.

In my case, there was nobody to expose to (on OM's side), since OM was single - and his parents and siblings knew about it. I wish I had exposed on my XW's side. I only did a little of that, and it seemed quite powerful, but I should have done more.

-AD

I agree with that.

In the other cases you cite, I say maybe.

The purpose of exposure is to end the affair. If the affair is ended then why continue exposure? I don't take such a pessemistic view as you. My wife's affair IS over. We have taken extrordinary steps to make it so. I don't 100% trust her yet but I do have trust & faith in her.

I don't see it that way at all and I have been here for years, rejected. This advice is handed out when it is appropriate, not in a rote manner. And unfortunately, it is almost always appropriate when there is an active affair, active pursuit. In all the years I have been here, there has only been ONE incident where an exposed OW went bananas. On the other hand there have been untold saved marriages and families from this very effective method. I know you are new here and don't really know the history of exposure, but it is simply the most effective tool there is.


If you had any more experience on this forum - you apparently don't - you would know that exposure is NOT recommended after the affair ends, except to the OP's spouse, or in extentuating circumstances, such as a pursuit. Any other exposures, after the fact, are unneccesary and only harmful to recovery. Most folks on this forum could have told you this.

Simply put, exposure is the most effective weapon that a BS has at his disposal. It should be done carefully, strategically and thoughtfully. Its supposed "risks" should not be exaggerated to assuage a timid BS. This is not the time to be timid.

The "risk" should be kept in perspective to the real looming "risk," which is an affair. Affairs, which can lead to divorce, ruin the lives of family members; that is the REAL RISK here.

She asked him to STOP BEFORE I intervened... and even now that it's over, says that she didn't see it as cheating and thought it was in joking/fun.

You guys aren't addressing my point of PROTECTION.. What is the news of her H's emails to my W caused her to kick him out or she freaks and kills him or something.. whatever... I don't want to be the cause and affect of their lives.. I want to focus on mine..

I'm confident... (W has called me (5) times today.. .a record).. that it's over... and she keeps saying now how she can see how it was wrong...

thanks..

and I don't need a blocker on the email since I'm monitoring the email..

W is very techo-clueless.... so I'm covered on that front.

cell phone and home phone are also covered... nothing is going on..

this was email dialog!! wrong none the less...

I'm speaking about KARMA!!! and.. didn't mention my main point in my original post...

You could jeopardize the safety of your family by exposing something if someone on the other end snaps... get it.. SNAPS = wants revenge and comes after you, your spouse, or worse.. your kids...

Do you people really think that that scenerio is NOT feasible??

This was email dialog, I undercovered it, W has done everything she's supposed to do.. so I'm going to leave it for now... and continue MONITORING..

this is NOT amatuer hour... I could tell you what I had for dinner any night two weeks ago.... this is about my energy and focus being maintained on MY family... right now. which included protection..

oh.. and clearly the bookkeeper in accountable... but he would go to jail and be off no THREAT to me... GET IT??

I'm not worried for me ! I'm talking about the safety of my children and my W!!

you guys are not getting it... you think this is not a serious matter.. exposure..

I don't live in Mayberry..