Hi everyone,

I've been lurking and posting for a few days now. I'll post my story in full soon, but for now I'm interested in coping strategies for getting through this initial Plan B stage.

I was doing REALLY well: no contact off my own bat since 30th Dec and keeping the contact that WH made to a bare minimum, but a few days ago it was an emotional day. It was the anniversary of our baby daughter's death and it just hit me like nothing else since this whole nightmare started. Since then, it's been a struggle.

I was OK with the whole no contact thing. When WH rang up on the morning of the 24th, progressively getting nastier and nastier and culminating in calling me the worst names I've ever been called, I looked up to heaven and wondered what the purpose of this was, what lesson it could possibly teach me. A few days later, I found out about Plan B, and decided that if nothing else, the events of that morning were enough to steel me for Plan B. So far, this has been true. I am determined. But for last few days... I'VE BEEN MISSING HIM!

I feel incredibly pathetic. Why? Because when we WERE in touch, over the past couple of months (since the relationship with his "friend" the OW developed into "something more") he has been so volatile that the idea of talking to him put me on edge; I just didn't know what I was going to get. Instantly upon sending him the no contact letter, I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And now... what the heck am I doing missing him? How can I POSSIBLY be missing him when he's behaved like an absolute b*****d? And it's not like I miss the lovely H he used to be. I actually would like to hear his voice on the other end of the phone, or see him; maybe see him smile for a change; I'm hoping he's finding this as hard as I am, and hopefully more; it's taking every gram of will I have not to ask the kids what he's up to, how he is. Ach - I feel like I'm suffering withdrawals myself, from a nasty drug!

Needless to say, this has taken me completely by surprise. It had been remarkable easy for me up to this point. Sigh... I HATE this. Hate it!

I'm doing everything I've been doing all year: looking after myself in every possible way, concentrating on me and the kids, but dammit, this man is just taking up too much of my brain space right now and I don't know what to do.

Any hints on how to get over this initial hump?

RT,

The BS goes through withdrawal from the WS in plan B just as a WS does from the other person. But, in this case you are also seeing the advantage of plan B. It is designed to reserve your love for WH, so that if A ends and most do, you have enough love left to deal with recovery which is tough stuff.

Hang in there you are doing fine.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks, JL. I read the PlansA/B column and saw that during Plan B phase ADs were suggested but it didn't quite sink in that this would be because of withdrawal. D'uh!

Thing is... I never thought I would have withdrawals after WH's incredibly nasty behavior. I just thought it would be relief all the way! Talk about a wakeup call.

I'm hanging in here. Is that it, then? Just hanging in here and waiting for it to pass? Someone else has told me as much, and it makes sense, but I don't like it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Oy vay...

RT,

But, you see when you are removed from the LB's, then the love you have comes through. Not fair is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Don't worry, one of the things Plan B will do for you is it will allow you to see things much more clearly. As time goes one, you will see his faults in a more realistic light, and you will see his strengths in a more realistic light.

This will allow you to make better decisions no matter what happens. Plus a little peace to retrench and recharge the batteries is not a bad thing is it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are doing well. And you will know when it is time to "do something". Have patience and give this some time.

God Bless,

JL

You are SO right. Thanks again, you're the voice of reason!

I just home that the same things I experience - the love coming through, seeing things more clearly, and seeing my faults and strengths in a different light - will be the same for WH.

RT,

You H will only see these things AFTER the affair is over. Before then, he is in "the fog" and he won't see a darned thing. Plan B is about waiting out the affair as most of them end within two years and often much more shortly. If it does not end, the plan B will allow you to make the necessary decisions in a more matter of fact way.

You have a ways to do, so give it time.

God Bless,

JL

RT, ditto JustLearning; you are doing great so just hang in there! I know it is hard, but will get easier and easier as time goes on. The first week - 10 days is the hardest.

Others here are doing good Plan B's are Kimberly and hurtininokla. You might want to peek into their threads and get some support. They went through this exact same thing!

Ah - OK. Yeah, you're right, he's too enamoured of the OW (as well as guilty, which fuels all the blame and ghastly behavior) right now.

Mind you, he said something that day on the 24th which left my brain going boggleboggleboggle. He came over after his outburst on the the phone, and apologized, but shortly afterwards got defensive and angry again. Is said to him, "You did me a favor today, and I want to thank you. I spent a couple of hours this morning weeping and saying how much I'd miss you for Christmas, but your actions this morning have ensured that I won't. As much as you don't miss me, I won't miss you." And he said (wait for it), "Who said I don't miss you?" I said, "You did. You told me you miss my family, but you don't miss me. And you told my sister the same thing." He denied it and denied it, and when I insisted once too often that he had (oh if only I'd known Reverse Babble then!) he said, "Whatever" and left it at that.

What the?...

Thanks, Mel, I really appreciate it. Will chase those other two threads and read up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RT - I haven't posted on my Plan B thread in a few days, but I will find it and bump it up for you o.k?

I wasn't sure where you were in the MB's Plans - so you are in Plan B? Did you Plan A?

Take Care - Believe me, it DOES get better! Start focusing on yourself & taking care of YOU.

Kim

Thanks, Kim, that's great.

I'm in Plan B at the moment. I did an ersatz Plan A when this whole thing blew up. I didn't know about the plans at the time, but I was able to see through the pain to where WH had a point and I took it upon myself to apologize for not meeting his needs and set about changing (even though he had already left - he literally left overnight). I chose to take the "high road" and behave accordingly, despite the fact that not only was our M instantly over (because he said so) but he became enraged and started doing and saying horrible things. A couple of months down the track, OW was in the picture, and a few months after that their relationship became intimate and that's when WH REALLY got nasty. I think all in all I have behaved in an exemplary way, but WH has got angry regardless, and he's taken offence at some things have done which have been NOTHING to do with him. In the past month or so, however, I did "bite" when he baited me, and although I wasn't nasty and didn't LB and my comments were designed to bring ME peace and closure, he has taken issue at them. Which is par for the course, really.

Anyway... I'll start reading! thanks again.

RiverTam-

Hi - how are you doing? I see you got through my thread.....Hopefully it will help you see that at least there is much peace involved with Plan B. For the most part(as long as WH leaves me alone & I don't hear any stories from my mediators) I am much happier than I was while I was here.

You have been in Plan B since Dec. 30th then?

Kim

I'm doing MUCH better. It's helped that people took the time to explain what's going on in my head and heart; I thought I was pathetic missing my abusive WH, but now I understand that if he doesn't get the chance to LB me then the love comes filtering through again and it's THAT that I miss.

I've been in Plan B since Dec 30, and have not contacted WH since then, other than two emails re finances. He, on the other hand, has phoned me. It was about kids and finances, the agreed subjects, but I only told him to ring if it was too complicated for an email and although it wasn't complicated, he still rang. I've seen him a couple of times - couldn't well run away - but kept the convo to a minimum.

I do think he's starting to get the picture, though. He hasn't attempted any kind of contact since Saturday and when S10 wanted to see him I got him to organize this on his own with his Dad (checking with me first to see that it was OK), and he didn't ring or anything. Yesterday when he dropped S10 off, he didn't get out of the car (first time ever) and didn't come to the door or say hi, or anything. I guess it's good, right? (Although I'd feel a lot better if I didn't know that the OW was waiting for him at home afterwards. I know that Mimi says the more time a WS spends with the OP the better, but my heart finds it VERY hard to accept this.)

OK, I've finally written my story up! Just thought I’d post it for the record. It’s LONG, but here goes:

Everything seemed to happen out of the blue. When I say “out of the blue”, I know exactly what that sounds like. Every time I’ve heard that phrase applied to relationship breakdowns in the past, I’ve thought, “Out of the blue? Nothing comes out of the blue!” So yes, I know it must have been coming, for a couple of months, but the force of this, the destruction, the totality of it, as taken both of us by surprise.

First, you a potted history of our relationship. WH and I have been what I can best describe as passionate best friends. I’m challenging to live with: fiery and hopeless at resolving conflict. Because my mother believed that crying in front of your husband was manipulation, I grew up believing the same, so that whenever WH hurt me, I either lashed out, or withdrew, or both. WH used to be a wonderful person, warm and open, but has also been challenging to live with: he has a very demanding job, where he has had to put me and the children second, if not in his heart, at least in actions. He’s had many crises throughout his life, and I used to joke that he’s been having a midlife crisis every year since we met. But despite that, there’s been a lot of forgive-and-forget, love, intimacy, support, and belief in each other and the relationship, and of course the family as a whole. We had strong convictions about the importance of marriage and families. Our children are living testament not just to our love for them, but our love for each other. People often commented on how close and affectionate we were. So yeah, we were both pretty smug in our relationship. We also said that we’d never, ever let things get to the stage where we couldn’t work them out.

In the past couple of years, WH went out on his own and opened his own business. He’s busier than ever, putting in tremendous hours and effort, and as always, getting personally involved with just about everyone who walks in the door. But a couple of months before he left, I started to notice him withdrawing, which he’s done many, many times in the past. Spending less and less time at home and with the children, not talking to me much, and he was ultra-tired (he suffers from sleep apnea so I’m understanding of him in this). He seemed down. He didn’t seem to be enjoying anything much. He was spending most of his time at work. But this time there was something different: he was not including me in business decisions, or in the paying of our household bills, or even telling me much about his day, I just felt more and more unnecessary. I was hurting like I’d never hurt before, but I did what I always do: I lashed out occasionally, and withdrew. Major LB’ing. (Although granted, there were periods of closeness during this time. We still made love, and went for walks, something we find very unifying. As a matter of fact on one of these walks, we were talking about the marriage breakup of a couple we know, and once again we discussed how we always said we’d work things out if they got unbearable. I said to him, “Is there anything about our marriage that you’d like to change?” and he replied, “I wish the dog wasn’t allowed inside the house.” When I told him I was serious, he said no, everything was to his satisfaction.) This situation continued for weeks, and finally, those last three weeks, things became unbearable. We weren’t friends any more. He wasn’t drawing closer to me, I wasn’t drawing closer to him, I was rude. When he said, “I love you”, I’d say, “No you don’t. You don’t spend time with me, you don’t listen to me, so what exactly do you love?” There are probably other things I cannot recall. I know I was beastly those three weeks, and hold myself entirely responsible for my actions. Finally, when things got nowhere, I gave an ultimatum: “I’m leaving”.

When he asked me what I hoped to achieve, I said, “I need some distance. I need to regain some sense of control. Then maybe we can get some help.” And he said, “I’ll have to think about it.” That made me see red! I felt he was controlling everything, and now HE had to think about ME leaving? I stewed over it for a couple of days, and gave him an ultimatum. I either left, or we got divorced, and I’d take the children away, and I was giving him a couple of days to think about it. Horrible, horrible things, I know. A couple of days later, we had a huge fight, and I pushed him, and pushed him, and when he was about to say “I love you”, I gave him the same old spiel, but this time I added, “You don’t love me, do you? Why can’t you just say it?” And he did. And he said it was over.

It killed me. You see, for whatever has happened, we have always said we’re the love of each other’s lives. And then what did I do? I backpedaled as fast as I could, of course, bloody idiot that I am, to try to fix things. He told me that my withdrawal was the worst thing I ever could have done to him. It is abuse, and for me to ask him to come back was like asking him to live with his abuser. I pleaded, pleaded, and pleaded. I promised to put the behavior behind me. And although after a few days he admitted that yes, he does love me (“Although it’s not the same”), the answer was no: not for me, not for him, not for the children, not for the family unit, not for anything, not with counseling, not with anything. I don’t know how, but finally, I extracted a promise that by virtue of the twenty years we’ve spent together, and because of the children, he would go, but think about things while he was gone and see whether he really did want to end the relationship.

Those first few weeks I still pleaded, still entreated, gave him all the reasons why he should come back, but something strange was happening: he was revising history. Suddenly, he was saying that I have been making him feel about himself for twenty years, that I had NOT been a good wife. That the children don’t need me, and they’d be fine without me. All the promises I made, he said, “They’re everything I’ve waited to hear for twenty years, but they come three weeks too late.” Despite him saying that we’re best friends, he started behaving like a real jerk, jumping down by throat for any little thing I said, finishing my sentences without knowing actually what I was going to say, devaluing every opinion, getting this little smirk on his face when I was opening my heart to him, and many other things which are just too hurtful to recount. We’d decided we’d have two family nights together per week, to keep some sense of closeness with the children, but his attitude, his body language, his everything, it was so clear he didn’t want to be here, despite the children. Fifteen days after he left, he said to me, “I’ve been visiting old girlfriends, trying to rekindle old relationships”. This amazed me – and tortured me inside – but I put it out of my mind.

In the end, I had to shut up, basically. He told me that I made him feel manipulated when I talk to him, and I had to leave him be if he was to make the proper decision about coming back. So I did. What did I do for the rest of the time? I worked on myself. Hard, hard soul work, making changes, taking care of myself emotionally, spiritually and physically while maintaining a normal life for the children. Things at home began to get better: there was a good spirit here rather than the oppressive, “Dad’s gone, mum’s going nuts” spirit of before. I was hopeful that WH would feel this when he visited, and begin to crave it. I was loving, friendly, and warm towards WH, not pressuring him in any way.

But things didn’t change. On a trip away for a specialist appointment for S10, he broke the news: he wasn’t coming back. And he said EXACTLY the same things he said when he left: that he didn’t trust me, and had no reason to trust me. That he was protecting “little WH” from me. Rather than concentrating on what we have, he just kept going back and back to everything that had gone wrong during our life together. He made it sound hellish. He said I’ve spend twenty years making him feel bad about himself, that he DIDN’T know I love him and want him in my life, could see no evidence of it. When I said he was being selfish, he smirked and said, “Sorry!” When I said that he was putting himself ahead of the children and the family, he was so offended! And he went on to say that the children were not a consideration, because his psychologist (who has no children, by the way) said children suffer more in a home where the parents are unhappy with each other. He said he’s felt alone for the past seven years or so, which was news to me. And he was nasty. He would NEVER come back. Why – people down at the street had stopped him and said, “I don’t know how you stood living with her!”

A little while after that, WH had an episode I can only describe as insane. He became irrational and took it out on me and ALL our three children. We were left quivering and frightened, but it was suddenly obvious that this wasn’t just about the marriage. There was something else going on. A professional suggested MLC, and I would have fobbed the idea off if it hadn’t been a professional, because my idea of MLC was something that happened to superficial jerks and it involved a blonde bimbo, a sportscar and a toupee, right? Wrong. I studied up, and lo and behold: this was my WH, following a script, to the letter.

A month later, he reveals the existence of an OW: “just a friend”. An old friend, she rang him up, shocked, when she heard we’d separated, he said. She was helping him through his “grief”, he said. Nothing had happened yet, he said, but it looked like the relationship would develop. I hadn’t met his needs, and now he was going to have someone who did, he said. I reacted fine. I told him I didn’t judge him. But I treated our meeting like an interview. What made him think he could begin a new relationship before the old one was finished. He said that he’d considered our marriage over the minute he walked out the door. I told him what he thought he could give another woman’s children when he didn’t make time for his own. I told him there was no room for a third person in a marriage. I asked him to stop seeing her. He didn’t reply, just got this little smile on his face. I was devastated, but I kept on keeping on. He began parading her in town straight away.

During all of this, since I decided to “shut up”, I took the high road. I was loving, warm, friendly, and light in our everyday convos. I decided that anger and bitterness would have no place in me, and I would act accordingly. When he’d left and told me his reasons, I was able to see through the pain to where he had a point, and set about making the changes. Changes he refused to see, or trust, but that wasn’t the point of them. I truly wanted to become a better person, with or without him. I suppose this was my Plan A, before I knew anything about it.

Things went on. Even though he was short-tempered on occasion, I set boundaries and learnt not to address “the man in the black hat” and only addressed WH when he was normal, and polite. The normal and polite person began to make more and more of an appearance. Our communication increased. I was able to open up a dialogue about MLC and IMS, and he was receptive. He was suspicious, and took any of my attempts to help him as a ruse to lure him back into our marriage, but I assured him that I wanted to help him because I love him and care about him, not because I have any vested interest.

Then, something happened. On our 20th wedding anni in October, I decided to write him a love letter. It was an open heart surgery of a letter, and I put a lot of time and thought into it. I gave it to him that morning. That night, I was at the supermarket picking up a few things, when I see him at the end of an aisle. Good, I thought, I’ll be able to say hello. I round the corner… and he is talking and laughing to a young woman, blonde, pretty. I say hello, and he introduces me to the OW. He was spending the night of our 20th anni with the OW! To this day I don’t know how I managed to nod and smile. I walked out of there, barely aware that my legs were moving. I paid for my purchases, without my brain working. I drove home, and amazingly didn’t run off the road. I got home… and collapsed. D18, who was there, said that I “made a noise like a wounded animal”. She rang him up and called him a “f*****g a**hole”, yelling things that I was too boggled to process. I thought I was going to die from the pain. Somehow I slept and made it through the night.

The next day, on the way to the city, I get a phone call from WH. He says, “I want to apologize for last night. I told OW that it was our anniversary, and I didn’t want her to visit me that day [she lives 1 1/2 hours away and visits are usually overnight], but she rang after I’d read your letter, and I was crying and couldn’t stop, so she decided to come and stay and help me through it.” I laughed, but still thanked him for his honesty and apology.

A few weeks later, it was D18’s graduation. He behaved like an absolute JERK. He barely made an effort to be anything other than a sad sack. He kept going outside for fresh air because he felt "sick", and inside, did a lot of texting (the OW, I assume - who else? He never used to text anyone). Then he refused to have a photo taken with his daughter. He had one dance with her, and left without saying goodbye to me or anyone at the table. And even though I was just lovely all night, soon after he leaves, I get the following text: “Can’t believe what an idiot i was to put up with so much s**t for such a long time. Thanks. Hated every minute tonight."

Since then, he’s been an absolute nightmare. With hindsight, I've come up with a theory: what I believe happened is that the OW felt incredibly threatened at the letter I sent him and the fact that he had feelings for me there there, and decided to step up her efforts and move from a supportive role to that of lover and wife, and that's where the PA began. (Not excusing WH's behvaiour, but she's a definite predator. Her first H left HIS first wife and children for her when she was 17 y.o.) This, to me, is what caused the change in behavior in those few weeks between our anni and the graduation.

And although my behavior has been exemplary all this time, I didn’t take his behavior at the graduation lying down.

After that text message, I rang him back. He tried bringing up the past, and I was assertive, and he hung up on me. I rang him back, he answered, and hung up on me again. So I went to his place, and we had it out. For over an hour at his front door we had it out. I didn't get angry, but I was in an assertive, logical place. He, on the other hand, was all over the place. I stood up for myself, set boundaries again, and felt very empowered. Here he was, supposedly "moved on", and we're supposedly not together anymore, forever and ever, so what was he doing bringing this stuff up? He thought it was perfectly within his rights to express the anger he suppressed for twenty years! I told him he gave up the right to express any anger at me the day he gave up on our marriage. He insisted he did, I gave him a kind of "What UNIVERSE do you live in that this is acceptable?" reply, and after a lot of back-and-forth, the "DO NOT TRESPASS" sign was up. I told him next time he was angry and wanted to take it out on someone, that he should ring up the OW and be rude to her instead. It's her job now. He said he couldn't blow up at her. I said, "Who are you pretending with? You're either pretending to her that this is not you, or you're pretending to me that it is. So what is it?" He had no answer.

He’s been so nasty since then – ringing up for no reason, just to blow up, and taking offence at ANY little thing I did, even when it doesn’t concern him – that I had a couple of “I’m sick of your crap” moments. At no point did I get nasty, but I was assertive, and I told him exactly what I thought about the situation, and about our marriage from my side of things. A month or so ago, I wrote him a LONG letter (8 pages!) which was designed to bring me closure. I rang him up and read it to him, and then e-mailed it to him for good measure. While he took the letter in his stride at the time, bits that he was offended at have been coming out in conversation ever since. I felt I was doing the right thing at the time, but now I have to wonder whether the letter and things I said destroyed the good work I did all these months. (Though sense tells me probably not. Even when I was behaving beautifully, he STILL got angry, for no reason anyone could see.)

Last thing was on the 24th of December, when WH was unspeakably nasty because I refused to allow him to play happy families with S10, he and the OW on Christmas day. He was so nasty (details elsewhere in other posts) that I knew I had to retreat away from him as fast as possible. On the 25th of December, I saw him at church; gave him a kiss on the cheek, wished him Merry Christmas, and left. In the couple of days after that, I contacted him through email about the children and finances; rather than email me back, he would ring. Shortly after THAT, I found this site, found out about Plans A and B, discovered that I've unwittingly been following Plan A all this time, and decided to implement Plan B straight away. I sent him the letter through e-mail on 30 December.

I knew I had to cease contact with him, for my self preservation as much as anything else: since this woman has come into our lives, his guilt makes him strike out at me, and so it’s clear that contact is impossible while she’s in the picture, although I’ve tried. Indeed, I think guilt hit him straight away because of the THOUGHTS of adultery he had from the beginning, after all, he started seeking solace in other women with his “visiting old girlfriends, trying to rekindle old relationships” just a couple of weeks after leaving.

From day to day, I veer from hope to despair. As far as my marriage goes, that is. I have no doubt that I’ll come out of this far better than I went in – already this is true, such is my personal growth – and there is a purpose to all of this.

And that’s my story. If you’ve read this far, full marks for stamina! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

But that is only if you are really removed from the situation, RT. He gets a "fix" from seeing you or talking to you that allows him to continue in his affair. Going really really DARK will be key to your success if he is to suffer any pain of withdrawal frm you. And pain is the motivator in Plan B. Because everytime you are in contact, he gets his fix and withdrawal has to start all over again. If he continually has contact with you, he will never go into withdrawal, which means your Plan B is basically meaningless.

Continuous contact also prevents you from withdrawing frm him and regaining some sanity in your life.

Yeah... but dammit it's hard! We live in a small town and I am bound to see him sometimes. And sometimes it's so bizarre. I recounted the events of last Saturday in my thread "Get this!" in which he FOLLOWED ME IN THE CAR just to drop S10 off to me. And there's stuff like church (which, although I hassled over it leading up to Sunday, turned out to be a nonevent b/c he didn't turn up!), shopping, etc.

I am determined to stay dark of my own bat. Just don't know whether it's going to pan out because of the small town thing. DAMMIT!

I'm just trying to make sure. Did you write a PLAN B LETTER?

You DID send the Plan B letter, right?

Yes, I did. It wasn't a by-the-book one (my knowledge of Plan B was v. limited at that stage, and I was in a hurry to get the letter to him), and it included some personal things about the events of the 24th.

Here it is again:

------------------

Dear WH,

I hope you will read this short letter. I also hope you will print it out, because you might find, in future, that you need to refer to it. There is no need for you to reply to it, as you will understand if you choose to read on.

I want to tell you a couple of things before I get to the point of this letter. You accused me of badgering you the other day, and although that wasn’t at all my intention, I can understand how you felt that way. You also said some ugly, ugly things in relation to my not “letting you see” S10 for Christmas. In the month or so prior to Christmas, I wrote you a couple of letters and said some things to you on the phone in order to bring me closure, and as a result you assumed that it was my hurt that prompted my subsequent actions. These two things were separate issues, but unfortunately, they coincided, so you drew your own conclusions. Fine. Although it’s hurtful, I accept that you will continue to judge me as you have been. Nonetheless, I want to once again state that how often you see S10 is up to you. It has ALWAYS been up to you. But my boundary – in concrete now, not sand – remains until the day you divorce me: he is not to be with you when you are with your mistress.

But on with what I have to say.

You know I love you. I had many dreams and things of a sacred nature tangled up in us. I would have gone anywhere, done anything, forgiven everything, to maintain our marriage and family, and reconstruct it into something far greater than we ever dreamed of for always. I used to tell you that you might in this world find someone who loves you better than I do, but never one who loves you more. You may deny it now – deny as you did that time that you ever knew I loved you, and that I ever showed it – but I know that one day you will know that this is true. One day when all the dross that you have surrounded yourself with has been stripped away, you will be left with only the knowledge of the few truths you have learnt while on this earth, and as you sift through these truths, you will find my love among them.

And given that I still love you, I must now withdraw myself from you, completely. I must withdraw myself from you to protect the love I still have left in my heart for you. I am also withdrawing to protect myself from you. Your behaviour, and your affair with this woman, is hurting me, and my love for you.

When you first told me about your mistress, just a few months after you moved out, I told you that you couldn’t have a relationship with both of us. But I tried to modify this, for the sake of the children. Nonetheless, time, events, and your behaviour towards me have gone on to show that my initial pronouncement was correct. It is now crystal clear: I cannot have a relationship with you – any kind of relationship – while you are having an affair with this woman, or any other woman. Indeed, I cannot have any kind of relationship with you while you are even in touch with this woman, or any other woman you are involved with in the same way.

Please do not ring me on the phone, or text me, or try to see me. Please do not come to the house or the property unannounced, and do not enter as you did on December 24 without knocking or being allowed in by me. We must remain in touch for the sake of the children and finances, but I think we can do this through e-mail. I am happy to speak to you should things be too complicated for an e-mail, but unless you are calling about a real emergency, please understand that the children and finances are the only subjects I am willing to discuss. I am making arrangements for my snail mail and will let you know these accordingly. I will not suddenly become rude and ignore you: I meant what I said on the 24th when I told you that my behaviour will NEVER fit the ugly image you have of me in your mind. And this is not about vengefulness or playing some sort of game. Please understand that you have been hurtful to me, over and over again, without provocation, and now a radical lack of contact is necessary for me to preserve two things I hold most precious: the remaining love and respect I have for the real you, and the love and respect I have for myself.

I will be happy to resume contact and have a relationship with you when you have finished your affair with this woman and have ceased all contact with her. In the meantime, I will continue to move on with my life, which I am happy, surprised, and very humbled to say, is very, very good. I only wish you could share it with me.

With love, always,

RiverTam

Ach! I feel like an IDIOT! I've got this fancy new phone with caller ID, right? The phone rings a few minutes ago AND I DON'T RECOGNIZE WH'S NUMBER! He's rung to speak to the kids, so I think I spoke three words max, but still... GRRRRRR!!!

Oh, I could scream.