My husband has an affair that I found out about starting in 1997. I thought the affair had ended in 1998. In December I found out the affair has gone on all this time.....nearly 9 years. The other woman (I'll call her Glenda) told me because she thinks he is "cheating on her". The next woman(I'll call her Linda) is one he has been walking with and I had protested against this earlier last year. They still continued to walk together. He wouldn't understand or hear my protest, they were just friends. I am unable to walk with him due to physical problems but told him people would talk. Boy, was that an understatement. Glenda took me to a mobile home he had been renting for the past 8 years for them to meet 3 to 4 times a week. On Dec. 9th he broke off with her and so she started following him and caught him with Linda. He says it was not as it seemed, he was helping her with a legal matter. Glenda and I have talked many times. Although she says she still loves him she says he didn't leave her for me but for Linda. I don't know what the truth is and he won't tell me. He won't talk to me about it. Says he is finally free of Glenda and happy to be but won't discuss Linda. Things aren't right...I just can't catch him. One funny thing though, Linda has been called by me and Glenda and confronted. I don't know why Glenda couldn't see that if he did it to me he could just as easily do it to her. Linda is 29, Glenda is 48, he is 47 and I am 46. Linda is married to a man about 52. Glenda left her marriage for my husband. (she says it would have ended anyway) I know this is an unusual situation.....I guess it is. How do I find the truth?

It sounds like you already have the truth; he is and has been cheating all this time.

Time for Plan A?

What does your WH currently say he wants to do about the M?

I don't think your situation is all that unusual... a WH on the fog of an affair.

Have you checked his cell phone records, email?

The fact that he won't end his "friendship" with Linda is certainly a red flag; a spouse in recovery should be willing to do whatever it takes to eliminate mistrust & triggers, and be transparent about their life.

Have you read Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley? I would start there...

Keep posting, there is a lot more traffic on GQII...

I have done plan A for 9 years now. I am more clear headed today and wrote WH the letter for no further contact with him going on to Plan B. I took this to him today at his workplace as he was leaving for lunch. (oh, first of all this morning when I asked him why now he won't consider counseling when less than a month ago when I was told the truth he was willing to do anything to make things right, promising to help me and make our marriage whole, he told me this morning I was "trying too hard" and was very cold) After he read the letter he said take me back to work they are waiting on me for lunch. Told me he loves me and has no plans to leave. Very cold, very formal. I am going on to Plan B.....I am breaking contact with him as much as possible if he won't leave. We have no children here at home and its a larger home so we can have separate quarters. My husband is in politics but is also an alcoholic. I know as long as he drinks he can not meet my needs nor his own. I am withdrawing from it as he resents me and anything I do to try to help and refuses to go for help with the drinking although he admits to being addicted.

Glenda is the one that finally told me the truth and since she thinks he left her for another woman she is done with him. He left her to clean out the mobile home and never has contacted her again. She says she gave him 9 years of her being alone except when he made the time to be with her and she is tired of living a lie with her family. She and I do email back and forth. He doesn't do email from here at home, I don't know about at work, his cell phone is owned by the county so no hope to track calls. The other woman is my main concern (Linda) right now. I am going to purchase a recording device for my home phone since he is apt to be drinking at night and make calls. I want to know the truth. The truth as he tells me is that he was "attracted" to Linda but never anything more happened. That tells me there was an emotional affair going on at the very least. Glenda believes there was more to it from the signs she saw on her end of things. I don't know anything except I have to protect my physical health and emotional wellbeing for the time...(believe it or not he just called from work, but I did not answer and he didn't leave a message) My blood pressure is up and I have a bursting headache for 2 days now.....I have never had blood pressure problems. My doctor has offered anti depressants but I prefer to handle things through my faith in God for now. I am facing some surgery in the near future and that should help matters.
This past weekend we were intimate, things were good until it was over and then he became cold and withdrawn. I can't keep him in bed all day every day.....lol
In the letter I told him I loved him very much and that after trying everything else this is the only thing left to do. I did tell him when and if he decided to have absolutely no contact with Glenda or Linda and get help with the drinking problem I would be here for him 100% but until then there is nothing else to say or do.
I pray for the safety of my children, g'children, and myself with fears that at some point God will decide to wake him up and I pray it won't be through anything happening to any of us.
Its good to sound off here and know that others know the pain and betrayal I have experienced and am experiencing. I can not risk talking to anyone here with his position being as it is...it would be more humiliation for myself and my chidren. They knew about the first year and a half of the affair but they don't know what I found out on Dec 19, 2005....that it'd lasted for the past 9 years