Okay, it's been about 3 mo. since D-day. FWH is trying, but sometimes still sabatoges the recovery. He plays some mind games to get a certain response or result from me. I told him this was absolutely NOT what MB principles are for. HE tends to still re-write certain aspects of his A & his reasoning for doing things he did. He has also told me that sometimes he thinks he is heartless & has no feelings - even though he claims to love me very much.

With that being said, I used to tolerate some of his bad habits (passive-aggressive), but now I just have no patience for it. Secondly, I feel my love bank is really, really low. I also regret marrying him or even loving or trusting him. He has tried being more affectionate some, but it feels like I cannot "feel" it. I feel very lonely nonstop & even his hugs don't seem to get through. During his A, I remember feeling this way too. I'm sad & depressed & can't seem to shake off the feeling of wanting to get out of this marriage.

Is this normal? What do BS's do during this time? This rollercoaster is so hard. My feelings change moment by moment. Sometimes I want to make it work, but sometimes I don't. What is scaring me is that at first I really wanted to get past it & more forward. But, as time has gone on, I have actually felt worse & less like making it work.

During my rollercoaster, my FWH has said that he is withdrawing some getting ready for if I might leave him. It's like OUR WHOLE LIVES are & have always been dependant on ME. His expectations of me are so high, that he expects I shouldn't have a breakdown because I'm the strong, responsible one. Our relationship has always felt like it depends on my commitment alone. His passive-aggressive behavior has always been to fail so I can handle everything. Then, he is responsible for nothing that goes wrong. This is driving me crazy. I need him to step up & take care of me at the moment.

The pressure has been enormous. I must add to this, unfortunately, that since D-day, I have developed an attraction to another man. NOW, I know all about MB principles and what causes that etc. But, literally before D-day, no man could haven't gotten my attention. I was in love & committed to my H (despite his P/A driving me crazy since I thought he was loyal & faithful). However, reeling from this news, I want to run away & I know I'm using this man to do it (btw - I don't know him, but just see him at church & it started when he was "noticing me" - okay, I know that makes it even worse). I have been honest with my H about this who is very upset about it.

Please give me some advice on what to do. Why should anyone stay with a cheater? Why? Why should anyone be taken foregranted & stay so they can continue to be taken foregranted? What makes me think he won't cheat again? How can I ever rebuild that trust? Why the philosophy of keeping a WS? Why shouldn't I just start over & try to find someeone who can & will meet my needs (H cannot meet my security needs at all)

I want to know what other BS's think.

You already know you have biblical grounds for divorce so if the above is how you really feel, why don't you do that?

But don't do it because you have started your own EA. If you do leave and divorce, leave relationships for at least 12 months.

But, if you do decide on reconcilliation, I would make some conditions like MC with the Harleys so youe EN's can be met - including security.

Okay, it's been about 3 mo. since D-day.
I'd say you have at least another 18 months before you consider divorce.

Hi, W2BS.

Quote:
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.... I need him to step up & take care of me at the moment.

The pressure has been enormous. I must add to this, unfortunately, that since D-day, I have developed an attraction to another man.
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Have you discussed with your husband BOTH of these issues?

All the best,
Gimble

Many reasons: I still love him, I believed in marriage when I made my commitment (death 'til you part), I don't want to be divorced, I don't believe it's God's will (even if I have biblical grounds), it will hurt others (family), I will lose my best friend, he loves me & wants to make the marriage work, one of us would have to find a new church & it will mean we will both have to search for new people & start a new life with a new marriage later one & we could be less happy with that then what we could create! I also know that we agree on many issues in life & have many of the same ideas & like spending time together.



I agree with that. I shouldn't do it for the wrong reasons. But, I have a hard time right now focusing on my FWH because it brings me so much pain. I used to spend my days thinking of him, but now I have shut him out of my mind because all I can think of is how he betrayed me over & over. His betrayal is more then just 2 A's. It was that I never knew him the whole time we've been together. There are so many lies he told me & other things he did behind my back. It's hard to see past it right now.



I know the Harley's would tell us to reduce our lifestyle & we are working on that now. We are going to sell our house & downsize. However, I cannot rely on my H to help with paying bills or taking care of any responsiblities. He will sabatoge it with his forgetfulness (typ. P/A). I have asked him to help me with my business by helping with getting taxes ready & taking care of payroll (just me) and payroll taxes. Well, we're now behind on all of it. And usually it means I have to step in & take over because he intentially fails everytime.

Other things that have been upsetting is that I've asked him to read His Needs, Her Needs with me & underline what's important to him. I'm waiting for him to catch up to me (for the last 2 months). Instead, he spends free time downloading music for his MP3 player. He's barely been to this site once (today) after I complained about his hours & hours of downloading music & spending no time working on the M. (I also asked him to find us a good pro-marriage MC & he hasn't made ONE call in 3 months even though he said he'd call our pastor for a recommendation).

Then when I read this post to him & the response, he says maybe we should take the 12 mo. away from each other and be alone & see no one else and see how I feel then. I said "is that really what you want to do?". He says "no, but isn't that what MB would tell me to do?" I said "NO"!!!!! So, I told him they would tell you to Plan A me. He said "what is plan A? Will you go & read up on it & let me know?". OKAY, THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT HIM RELYING ON ME FOR EVERYTHING. Of course, I said "no way".

Chris-maybe you're right. This rollercoaster is making me nuts. I'm a very logical person & a planner. I had my whole life planned, you know. Then, I got blindsided with this. It's just hard when my FWH does such dumb, thoughtless things NOW.

Gimble-I am the discussion QUEEN. I tell him everything I'm thinking & feeling. Sometimes I think too much for him to handle because I'm pulling him up & down on my rollercoaster.

Hi Again,

I didn't at first realise you had only had 3 months post d-day but I really was playing devils advocate to an extent.

You do of course realise you made a convincing case for reconcilliation in our reply to me?

I would not give him an ultimatum but if he won't work on the HNHN stuff that would be a deal-breaker for me. But give it a while he is still probably in withdrawal.

The affair may still be ongoing too if he liked the 12 months apart idea.

Don't be too dispondent if he is making you do the running - you find the MC etc but he must commit to going. Remember too he may still be foggy!

I know, I know. My husband & I went over this today. I asked him for 10 reasons why I should stay. And he came up with 9. Then, I added to that.

The problem is that if I don't bring our relationship up, he won't talk about it at all. When I asked him about why he didn't call about MC, he said "I thought we were doing better." I think that sent me downhill.

There is no A going on now. It was over years ago (except he maintained contact with both women up until he told me & I found MB). There is no withdrawl & no fog. He just recently decided he had to come clean (guilt was eating him up). I had him expose the PA to OWH about a month after D-day. I don't believe his lack of work towards the M has anything to do with OW, but actually P/A behavior at it's best. He says he recognizes the behavior when I point it out, but it's a hard habit to break.

By him suggesting the 12 mo. apart is his way of manipulating me & not being honest (like I said). He wants me to say "no I don't want that" instead of him being honest & stating he doesn't want it. Instead of giving him what he wanted (by saying that), I simply asked him if he really wanted that knowing then he would be honest. I cannot stand the game playing with me.

OK. That doesn't sound as bad as you first painted it.

It sucks I know, but we betrayed spouses need to make all the running in recovery. Don't get bogged down in symantics. Keep your eye on the ball. I really suggest you tell hubby it's telephone councelling with Harley. Just set it up and do it.

His thinking things are better is him saying that "you aren't bugging me about my affair so I didn't bother with MC" Seems he responds to pressure so you need to set up the appt and then make sure he goes.

What is he afraid of? Becoming the husband he can be, he wants to be and you want him to be.

Well, I understand that the situations here are many times severe in comparison to mine. HOWEVER, it doesn't make me feel less betrayed or hurt. It has been the most devastating experience of my life!!! I know it sounds cheap here, but I really felt I knew my H, knew my M & despite our problems, I felt he was loyal & faithful. With loyalty & faithfulness, I could tolerate the lack of security & help I was getting. But, without it, it seems almost impossible.

It seems so unfair (and I know it is) that the BS needs to do all the running for recovery. I've been doing all the running throughout our M. I'm tired of doing the running, I want a break from thinking about responsibility. I don't even know if I can describe the extent of my exhaustion (mentally) from doing everything. Just recently, my H was bragging about his good credit & I'm thinking "without me paying for everything, you would have terrible credit". (I take care of the bills). He owes everything we have to me and he knows this. I plan & work & slave to get us where we are while he job hops, plays around & skips out on responsibility.

At some point, does the WS not owe it to the BS to get off their butt & take care of business? I need him to take care of me for a while, but it will never happen. We would be bankrupt & living on the street if he were to "take care" of me for a while. It's like living with a small child the way he takes care of things. Add that to this betrayal & I feel like I'm wasting my life.

Is this really a fair deal? And I supposed to be happy about it? Am I supposed to suck it up & be everything & do everything while he does nothing?

I understand your hurt. I really do. I'm a betrayed spouse too and I haven't had it as hard as some either but it is still for me, like you, the worst experience of my life.

Marriage partners both bring different strengths & weaknesses to a marriage.

It probably isn't fair but that is why you need councelling with Harley. Get that POJA happening, have a fair division of effort according to each of your skills.

God Bless.

Thanks, bigkahuna. I will talk to my H when he gets home from work about the POJA & counseling with Harley.

Want2BStrong - I take it from your comments and your signature line inclusion of Scripture that you and your husband are Christians.

So do you want to talk "Christian Advice?"

If so, I would start with 2 points for discussion.

1. The AVERAGE recovery timeframe is 2 years. Don't you think 3 months is little on the "short end?" In addition, recoverying BS's usually hit the "wall" around the 6 to 12 month mark of recovery. You may be there "early," but it sounds more like you are still at "square one" and have not progressed far enough to hit that "wall" of anger and doubt yet.

2. You appear to have NOT forgiven your husband yet. Or at least NOT a Christian forgiveness as Christ has forgiven you. So it might be beneficial to your situation to talk about what "Forgiveness" is and is not.

But if you want the "Cliff Notes" version of what it IS that both you and your husband need to do in order to heal your marriage, here it is.....meditate on this a while.....chew on it.....discuss it with your husband for his input.....

You both need to surrender your wants, desires, feelings, struggles, etc., to God and CHOOSE to follow Him in humble obedience to HIS will. God IS a partner to your covenant and God IS faithful to ALL of His covenants. But you are NOT "giving up control" to each other (although there is some of that in all recovery efforts). You are giving control for the future of your marriage to the ONE TRUE head of all Christians and Christian marriages....the Lord Jesus Christ. HE KNOWS.

Want2BStrong, let me give you 2 more verses to add to your list. Make them a part of you and make them your "lifeline" on the days when the rollercoaster seems headed for a brick wall...... Philippians 4:13 and Romans 8:28

God IS faithful and provides both the command and the means to accomplish His will in our lives.

God bless.

ForeverHers,

YES, I'VE BEEN HITTING A BRICK WALL.

Thanks, we are both Christians. My H wasn't a Christian until the end of 2004 when he was saved. That is part of the reason I was committed to a Godly marriage & he was not. I stood before God at our wedding & he didn't know God was there.

Even though I knew I married a non-Christian, he was neither hostile or angry about Christianity. He went to church with me when I wanted to go, sang the songs & seemed to enjoy it, but deep down, there was NO way he was going to believe any of it. He just hid his feelings so well, I didn't really know who he was. Even after he was saved, he hid his feelings. He got angry with me after he was telling our pastor how he overcame lusty thoughts through lots of prayer. When I began to ask about "what lusty thoughts & who", he got defensive & angry with me. I guess since I never caught him having the A, I never saw this side of him. I was shocked that he was so angry about my asking. Now I know that it was because he knew there was SO much more to tell.

It took 8 mo. & more lying before he decided to come clean after he was saved. I think it took a hard study of the book of James too, to convict him. He thought "God has forgiven me, so why do I need to tell her". God didn't let it go though, so he knew he had to tell me.

With that said, I have always had problems submitting to God. Everytime I try to talk to my H about my feelings, he always says "have you prayed?" And I say "no". I feel like he wants me to not deal with him at all about it & just give it to God. While I agree that giving it to God is the right thing to do & I'm not doing that yet, I also believe he is trying to avoid dealing with it himself. Everytime I'm trying to talk about my feelings & get consoled, I get a lecture about praying. This usually sends me deeper into depression because it makes me feel more lonely & isolated. What do you think?

I don't know why I cannot seem to submit, it's been a lifelong struggle. I do pray, but then I don't truly let God have my problem. Of course, does that mean I walk away from my prayer no longer feeling anything about what my H's done to me?

I'm not sure even exactly what to do because it's like my H wants me to "get over it" but he's doing little to comfort me at the moment. He says he doesn't know what to do. When I tell him I need HIM to help me, he wants me to get God's help which for some reason, leaves me feeling more empty.

My H has written notes to me, given cards, emailed me & called during the day to check in with me. It lasts for a little while, then it's forgotten again. Honestly, this is a lifelong selfish man who has a "foggy" personality. When we met, I told him he was too much of a dreamer. And he is. He wants everything to be simple & easy. He re-writes almost everything to make himself the victim while it's always everyone else's fault.

Of course, when he called the OW to tell her NC (before I found MB), he was apologizing to her (twice) for what happened. Later, he said he thought that the A was his fault (only time he has taken responsibility for his actions, but he was also protecting her - she was the innocent victim - RIGHT!!) The problem with this thought process is that she has had multiple A's and she dared him to kiss her for weeks ahead of time. Victim, I think not.

After his short call to her, I said "why are you aplogizing to her?" You should have said "I'm very sorry for what I did to my wife!!!" NO, nothing like that was said. All he said about me is that he told me. I sure wish I could get a redo on that with the NC letter recommended here. It means she still believes he has some feelings for her & consideration for her.

Forgiveness is very hard for me. I've never been good at it. It took years & years for me to finally forgive my mom for some things she did & how she treated me. I almost deleted my mom out of my life because of her treatment. This is SOOOOOOOOOO much worse, you know.