It's been a while since I have posted here. I see so many new names and so many new people going thru the pain I once felt. I would not wish on my worst enemy for someone to go thru what I went thru or what any of you have/are going thru. I only wish for all the new ones out there who read this that they can get to a point that I am NOW and not have to go thru the self destruction that I went thru to get to that point.

It took me a while to get here, but I am glad that things turned out the way they did. Dad and I went to our final court hearing on Oct. 14, 2005. At that time the divorce was rendered and alimony, CS, and visitation was set. It was an ugly hearing, but things turned out well for me and the children.

This year, Dad has had the kids the majority of the time for the holidays. He had them the entire week of Thanksgiving and for 2 weeks at Xmas. I just got them back two days ago and boy did I miss those boys. They enjoy their time with their dad and the OW and they love their baby sister.

In December, a week before xmas I got the call that I feared the most. My kids and XH were in a major car accident in December which involved a head on collision. They were with their father and coming back from a birthday party in town. I do not know exactly what happened...all I know is that my children are OK and alive and well.

As for me and DAD, well, we do not speak. AT ALL. I think the last time we spoke was in the court room when the judge made us go to the jury room to sort things out on our own <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He refuses to give me his new cell number and says I can call his "old" cell number and go thru the OW. I will not do that, so we dont call. I tried to explain to him that I dont WANT his number to call HIM, but if I NEED to get a hold of him regarding the kids, I will not go thru that woman. I dont hate her or anything, but I just dont feel that I need to be going thru HER to tell HIM about something about OUR kids.

I am well. I am very happy and we are doing very good. The kids have adjusted well, I believe. They like the OW and their sister. I'm not bitter, resentful, jealous or anything like that. I relized that it is not healthy to hold those feelings for so long. It's not about me or him, but rather about my children and their health and happiness. I have let it go and have accepted my life. I am glad that things happened the way they did.

I hope that everyone is well and that everyone especially the new ones can live a happy healthy life and let the past go. I look back at how I behaved and wonder how on earth I could allow myself to be such a doormat and do the things I did back then. Oh well, we learn from our past mistakes and I now know I will never allow myself that pity again. Take care all!

Mom! Good to "see" you. You sound really healthy. Are you still dating? Thank God your kids are ok from that accident.

It sounds like you're doing very well. You are in a much healthier place than you were a year ago. I'm glad you've let go of the bad feelings.

Your XH continues to be a jerk. OW is still OW. Does XH have any plans to marry her and legitimatize his child? Given the fact the OC has such wackos for parents, perhaps your sons will be her saving grace. Perhaps they will be able to give her some stability in her life. There may be a day when that little child needs that sense of family that she gets from her 3 half-brothers. Because of your influence on them, she can get a taste of what a stable parent is like. The ability to be a good influence on any child's life is a gift.

Believe it or not, you are a MB success story.

Howdy Mom! Good to see ya. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Mom, it was nice to read your update. I'm glad you are doing well.

Thanks grape! Yes, I am a success story...I may not be a MB success story, but I am a success!!! I feel good and I am happy and healthy! I am off all my meds now and living life the way I want to live it.

I forgot to tell ya'll. When we were in court, there was a TV crew there filming the trial. I asked my lawyer what they were here for and he said they were here for the murder trial after ours. I just blew it off. AFter our trial was over, my lawyer and I went over some things and then he said "oh, btw, Channel 12 is waiting for your outside to interview you" I said "WHAT???"

so I walked outside and lo and behold they were filming OUR trial for guess who??? Apparently someone from OUR judges chambers alerted the local CBS station that we were going to trial and they came down to film it. They wanted to ask me a few questions and my lawyer said it was OK. I answered them, but when I got home I started thinking about it and felt very uncomfortable about the whole thing. I called the station and told them how I felt and explained to them that this would really not be a good idea for them to air this on the evening news. They said they had already sold the footage to the Show, and I said that was fine, what the show does is different, however going on the local news is not a smart idea. I dont think the show ever aired anything, but the station was nice and said they wouldn't air it. I was please about that.

I am also a full time student. WHOA!!! talk about stress! It's fun doing homework in our house now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Mom - You're leaving out one thing - your love life.........
Have you hooked up with anyone yet?

Heck, Don't sell yourself short there ......you are A MBer success too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Cause the First GOAL here is Personal Recovery.
That MUST be the Primary goal .....or there can be NO true/lasting martial type.

Sure seems You've Done that (or are at least well on the way).

Sad part is NO ONE can force the martial part on Another Person.
If they choose not to work on themselves and THEN the marriage .......all you can do is Save Yourself.

So HAPPY your Moving in that direction.
Continued Success! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kandi, Congratulations on making it through with your dignity and self-respect intact.

Mom, I am so happy for you! You are the ultimate success story. Please tell me how you have managed to be so cool, calm, and collected with the OW? I'm just curious. My memory is that she was an exceptionally predatory OW. I think I'd have problems being in the same room with her. How did you get to this point of being happy that your boys actually like her? I know it is definitely beneficial for them that you don't hold on to bitterness, but how did you get to this point? It couldn't have been easy. Just curious. Wishing you a great 2006, which you deserve. CV

I have learned over the past two years that happiness comes from within. Anger comes from within. I cannot change the way life is, I cannot control the way life is, but I can control MYSELF. I control my anger and my happiness. We have to bring ourselves to that point...no one can bring us ther for us.

People can tell someone to divorce the SOB, or go into Plan B or do whatever umpteen million times, but it cannot happend until YOU are ready to do it. YOU have to come to that conclusion that this is how it will be and only YOU can control the outcome.

How did I get to this point? I am very comfortable with my position as a mother to my boys. I know my boys love me and they know who their mother is. I love them and they know it. No one can take my place in their hearts and no one can replace me as their mother.

It is important to me for my boys to like her, because she is there. I cannot change that. I can accept it. Of course I would rather them be with me, however I also know that they need to be with their father and if that means being with the OW as well, then that is how it is. I have to tell you that I have never met the OW in person. I have never spoken to her either. We ran into them at Academy just before xmas and she hooked it down the aisle when she saw us. I breifly saw her in the ER, however I did not know it was her until it was too late.

It is important to me for my boys to know who their dad is. Dad has alienated himself from them, but he does see them according to the courts schedule of visitation.

I have also realized that the OW got what she wished for. She got the DR, and she is literally walking in my shoes. She has quit her job to care for my children during the long periods they have them. She is now a stay at home babysitter for my children. She has no winner as far as a man goes. Sure he makes some money and works a lot. But he has no intention of marrying her nor treats her well either. I dont know anything about their relationship. So I will not comment on it. I hope they are happy.

The only thing I want is for my kids to be happy and cared for with me and with him. She seems to care for them. I dont ask them questions when they return nor do I pester them. If they want to talk, I want them to feel comfortable about it. For instance my DS7 asked me last night if he could tell me something about OW and her son. I said sure sweetie. He told me the story and I laughed and supported him. I said that is great. I am so glad you are having a great time with them.

You have to let the past go. And for me, it was letting my marriage go. I realized that even if I stayed married, I could not live that life full of anger and bitterness forever. I just could not do it. Even if I was head over heals in love with DAD, I would never trust him nor do I think I could ever get over the affair. Having the OC involved was a big one too. She was always a factor there. I was always so angry with him. I couldnt' olive that way. So the best thing for us was to get out.

As far as our relationship goes, I hope that someday he can get over it as well. He is still very angry and bitter. I imagine at the fact that he messed things up so badly. But, I hope he can get passed it all one day. I would like to be able to talk to him about the kids and what not, but right now, we just stick to our schdeule...He drives up and I walk the kids out and that is it. There is nothing said between the two of us at all.

Oh yes, she was a very psycho OW. She was determined to get him and she did. Now I hope she can keep him. The improtant thing to remember is that it is not about me or him...it is about our children. And we have to focus on that and nothing else.

Hi Mom,

Boy you sound terrific! So secure and empowered.What a difference and what a journey you were on.That is super!

I am right behind you too.Almost done with the last details of my D and cannot wait for it to be a done deal.It truly makes me ill to think about what and who my WH has become.I want nothing to do with him at all.I only speak to him now to hopefully get this D over with sooner.

I also admire your strength to get past the homewrecking OW in your case.She truly was a real user and wacko(aren't they all?)I am not ready for your patience and understanding though with the OW and the kids issue.If my WH tried to get that tramp around my girls I would still go ballistic but thankfully I haven't had that problem...yet.

Anyway,great for you being back in school! Good luck with that and I hope you are taking it easy and healing before getting back out to the dating world.

Take care and thanks for the update! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

O

Mom, thanks for checking in...you sound absolutely fantastic...like you are living your own life...way to go...you are a success on all fronts as far as I am concerned... The knowledge you gained here will benefit you and some special if you so choose to honor them with your hard won wisdom. A new year...a new start...a new you...god bless, mom....ss

Mom, I will go out on a limb here. I am concerned that you are TOO accepting of all this. The result could be that you are normalizing this for three impressionable young boys. You could be sending them the message that when a man gets bored with one wife and family, he just trades her in for another and creates a new family with new children. The old wife might be upset for a while, but eventually she'll learn to accept the arrangement and you can all be friends.

Please don't let those boys get the idea that this kind of stuff is a normal part of life and women just have to learn to accept it. You don't have to run over the OW with your car, but you don't have to let your boys think that this arrangement is okay and normal either.

Is it really okay with you? I think that is the idea your boys are getting.

Mulan>spreading joy and sunshine wherever I go

Mom
Wow! I am so impressed! Your sons are fortunate to have such a wise and caring mother. They're blessed.

Your situation reminds me of Romans 8:28 "For we know all things work together for good for them who love God and are called according to His purpose." Things that were so horrible have made you what you are today...a wiser and happier person!

You and Faithinme both are an inspiration. You both did all you could and now both of you have found happiness. It's inspiring and thank you so much for sharing your story.

God bless you and your boys.

Hi Mulan, Oh believe me, I am not sending my boys the message that it is OK for this to happen. I have not ever met the OW nor do I wish to. I will not be friends with the OW, nor will i have anything to do with her. The important thing for me is that my boys are happy.

I will not allow Dad or the OW to decide what is right and wrong in any case. For xmas I asked the boys if they wanted to buy xmas presents for their father. Of course they did, so I took them shopping and allowed them to pick out two presents each for their dad. I did not buy anything for the OW nor for the OC...I figured that is HIS duty, not mine.

It took me a looooong time to get here. A Loooong time and a lot of hard work with my anger and inner strength. I dont feel that I am too accepting of it, I just figure I cant change it. It is what it is. I can sit here and wonder and be angry and go thru my mind about how I can try this and that...buy WHY? I just dont have time for that anymore.

There comes a time in your life when you ahve to just accept what God dishes out for you and this is it. I have accepted that my boys have to be with their father and I cannot control whether the OW is there or not. It is better that I dont throw fits, but just accept it as it is. They like her...what do I have to fight about? They love their baby sister and she is good with them.

I have also feared that they will get that idea, however, I will not be the one to instill it in their brains that it is ok. They are young right now...when the time is right, I can explain to them exactly what happened. My oldest does know that the OW stole his daddy and broke up our family, but he still likes her.

I have to be ok with this, otherwise I will drive myself batty with the anger. I am too busy and much more things to be happy about than that. They are miserable, I know that...that makes me happy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

O, I must mention that the kids did not meet the OW until after our divorce was final. And even then it took him a few weeks before he introduced them to her. she wanted to meet them long ago, but he would not allow it. Good luck with your divorce.

There are so many things in life that will make you angry and bitter. let it go. move ont to the next place. Just let it go. Be happy for your life today...not yesterday....

Mulan, I don't think she's doing that at all. I think she is trying to make the best of a terrible situation. Mom's boys know exactly how hard all of this was on her during the divorce and all the separations.

She is trying to normalize the boys lives. I think she is doing great. They have been through enough.

Mom, I am also in the process of divorcing. You know how long I tried to work things out and enough is enough.

I hope that I can sound like you a few months! Although I do hope STBXH doesn't think I will call OW to discuss my d. I might have to kill him!

Mom:

Hello. Good to see you around again and breathing.

I knew you would survive the fall. Had no doubt.

Did your Wayward Ex get sued or lose his medical license yet? Karma is a real bit**. Let me tell ya.

Your friend,

Lem

Hi Mom,

I have never posted to you but lurked and read MB for the past 2 years. I read your posts and followed your story.I felt for you and your children. I am in Australia and knew in anticipation that your story was going to unfold on television, which it did 6 months later.

I consider you a very strong lady who fought hard for her marriage and family. I am so proud of you of where you are now.

My motto in life is to try the best we can and then we can live life with no regrests. I believe you can say that about yourself . YOur EX cannot.

As regards the children, they are too young to understand now. As they get older they will understand what happened and it will be them who approach you with admiration as to how you held it all together.

From someone DownUnder whom you made a difference to.

Thank you all for your nice words. I really do feel like I succeeded and in the end I am so glad it turned out THIS way cuz I dont think I could have ever been able to live the way I was. The snooping, the wondering, the lost trust. I am so happy now and so much better off. I still have my moments of anger, however they dont last for days on end or months. I get angry then I move on. I have learned so much from this site and from myself. Dont let anger get the best of you. YOU and only YOU decide what you feel. Anger, happiness, bitterness, anxiety...I feel like I want to be happy so I am.

As far as Ed being sued, I think his time is coming. CS was supposed to start Nov 1. Well, I have not recieved a payment yet! He's in arrears and the AG is investigating it as I type! I didn't think anyones's luck could be so bad. You know that car accident I told you about. Well, he had just bought the vehicle, a Ford Excursion, 3 days prior to the accident. Oh well...tuff boo boo!