Quick background….Married 06/2003, moved to this new state 08/2004, the A started I believe in 03/2005 (but they became friends as soon as we moved here in 08/2004) DDay was 09/2005. We did the NC letter, but apparently he was still talking to her. I gave him another chance….then I found out that he saw her Christmas eve, had lunch with her and gave her a piece of jewelry. I finally stopped my crying and feeling sorry for myself. I kicked in Plan A and told him upfront I wanted to work on this and asked if he was willing to do it as well. I gave him a week to really decide. In between this time and new years he had text messaged her and she text messaged him. Then last week he finally tells me he wants to be with me. Had a fantastic week…Plan A was really working.

But in the middle of the week, while I was sitting there she text messaged him and just said “hello.” For a few seconds he lied when I said “was that her?” then he said “Yes.” I told him that we can’t fix us if the window between them is still open etc…. So we had a great weekend this past weekend. Got along, laughed etc…..Just nice because those feelings, I felt like were gone.

But in the back of my mind I have been thinking and thinking. He keeps saying “I'm just ignoring this.” “Be positive, we must stay positive.” Etc…Well in my opinion, ignoring it doesn’t make it go away, you must confront it. She and he still work together, although not right around each other and I don’ think I have the option of telling the employer because then my H would prob get fired too. The OW is not married…single and about 17 years older than me and 14 years older than my H. I am 26 and he is 29.

I am at a loss of what to do. I came up with maybe me, my H and the OW should have a confrontation. Get together and have him say that it is finally over…..I need to know if this is wrong. I just need advice because in the back of my mind I can’t walk around just knowing that the window is open…I can’t live like this.

Did her send her a NC letter?

Hi KDee -

Was a No Contact letter ever sent?

FF - stop reading my mind! You too Mel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Great minds think alike, Flukie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How do you plan on dealing with the issue of them working together? You do realize that recovery is impossible under those conditions? What does your H do that he can't get another job somewhere else? Is he a rocket scientist who works for NASA or something like that?

Agree. You will never really feel comfortable knowing that he may be seeing her at work. I can tell you that recovering from my FWH's A was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced and OW lives 3000 miles away!

Who

Yes, there was a NC letter back on October 24. But apparently, like i have read, this is an addiction and apparently he wasn't serious about the NC.

My H works in a courier service such as UPS, Postal, Fedex. This is all he has done his whole life. He went straight from the high school to the military then on to this job. He cannot quit and with this company you have committment times you must meet. When we moved here he has to fulfill the 2 years commitment before moving. i know this to be true, but i'm sure there are circumstances where they could/we could transfer and move. I have asked him to talk to his manager and see if he could be transferred. i actually asked him again last night and he said he was going to do it. Of course i feel like he is putting it on the back burner.

KDee, I wouldn't even consider reconciliation until he is transferred or leaves that job. He can get a job at any other courier service. Those jobs are pretty easy to come by.

Thanks for the advice. I actually know a lot about the "courier jobs" and they are NOT easy to come by....But i guess you are right...my marriage will never be right until the OW quits or my H transfers/quits. What if i go to his job and speak to his manager? will this help?

Can someone go over the symbols with me again??? i pulled this one from above:

Me (BS) 35
FWW 33
Married 5/25/91
DS-7
DD - Born 11/8/05 !!!
PA #1 12/1996
PA #2 4/01 to 1/04
NC 1/04

KDee, that is what I would suggest. If his manager knew about it, he might be helpful in splitting them up.

At least here in Texas, delivery jobs are not hard to come by. They are not really considered high skilled jobs.

Me (BS) 35 betrayed spouse
FWW 33 former wayward wife
Married 5/25/91
DS-7 darling son
DD - Born 11/8/05 !!! darling daughter
PA #1 12/1996 physical affair
PA #2 4/01 to 1/04
NC 1/04 [/quote] no contact

I think i may go to his manager. Not to stand up for my H. But i couldn't do his job...and i do have a college degree...it's harder than you think....and it's harder to get into the "well known" companies...which is who he works for....And the sad thing is he makes so much more than me! ha...anyway...i think i may do that tomorrow. I don't know if i will disclose the A, but i will talk to his manager about him transferring. I"m so scared to expose the A because I don't want my H to get fired. I would rather him be transfered. Any advice on what to say besides exposing the A?

Try a boundaries letter like this.

1. A letter to ******, explaining that you will not communicate with him again—ever. No loopholes. No contact for the rest of your life. Period.

2. Become a wife and mother again, no matter what the cost to your “FEELINGS’ and whether you have any “FEELINGS” or not.

3.· Become completely honest. Our marriage will not survive further deception. This not only includes not lying to me, but means giving me the whole truth, not just parts that will make you look good no omissions of any parts of the whole story. No lies, no evasion, no covering, just the full and complete truth.

4. Continue to keep me informed of your daily schedule, routine and movements, stop complaining about it, you volunteered to do it.

5. Carry your cell phone with you at all times. Call me if you are going to be late or have a change in plans, be completely transparent. Call me if you are awake in the middle of the night, sometimes just talking helps. After you move here wake me if you are awake and PLEASE TALK TO ME!

6. Lose your bad and negative attitude and develop a positive winning attitude about us, our family and rebuilding our marriage.

7. Get used to doing things that you feel make you miserable right now, as you get into the habit of doing these things you will become more comfortable with them and maybe just maybe you will learn to enjoy them as much as you used to.

8.· Commit to marriage counseling with me, whether by phone or in person. After all this trauma, we need every possible advantage in order to recover our marriage.

9.· Keep in close touch the way you have been. I am willing to do the same to reassure you.

10.· Every possible precaution must be taken to erase him from our lives and make contact with him so difficult that you would have to make great efforts and great deception to even make it possible. This includes, but is not limited to:

11. Change your home phone number

12. Block his number from your phone.

13. Get caller-ID-blocking blocked so there are no blocked numbers on the phone bill.

14. Block all of his email addresses from all of your email addresses and give me your passwords.

15. Delete him from every possible contact list you have.

16. Get rid of anything he has given you, cards, memorabilia, anything at all.

17. I will continue to deal with all money issues.

18. Do not mention him in the context of the present. He has no more part in our lives.

19. It is as if he is now dead, and has no place among the living. (The only time his name will ever come up is in dealing with something affair-related.)

20. Tell me immediately if there is ever contact of any kind. If you are honest about this, we will simply find a way to prevent it from happening again through more precautions.

21. If this agreement is broken, at that point I will not allow you to remain in our home and you will have to give up all access to our children as I will not have their lives damaged and tainted by this type of behavior ever again. And, to be very blunt, depending on the level of dishonesty, especially in the face of all these precautions, I might very well decide to end things with you at that point.

22. You need to have some glimmer of how badly this affair has hurt me, in spite of how calm I have been in talking to you about it. I will not let this continue. There will be no accidents or second chances. There will be no excuses, and no reasons for any type of contact, at any time, ever. No matter how much trouble it might be to put these things into place, it is little enough to prevent the kind of agony I have suffered, and am still suffering now. I will not risk being hurt like this again. I love you enough that I am willing to try again, and I hope and pray you will decide to take that chance and accept that risk as I have.


Here is a list of things that you must do:

1. You must be totally honest with me about everything
2. You must answer every question that I ask truthfully and fully.
3. You must do everything in your power to prove to me that I am the one that you want to be with.
4. You must prove your love to me...You must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. You must feel my pain.
6. You must fully understand the devastation that You caused our children and I and our family.
7. You must accept full responsibility for your actions.
8. You must stop all contact with OM, write a No Contact for Life letter that we both agree to and send it, and not try to protect him.
9. You must reassure me that it is OK to ask questions.
10. You must reassure me that you will not drive me away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. You must recognize when I’m struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort me.
12. You must be able to tell me how sorry You are and show you care.
13. You must re-enforce to me, that I am not responsible.
14. You must put your own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help me heal first.
15. You must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with me and stay connected.
16. You must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. You must be willing to seek counseling.
18. You must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...You must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Here is a list of things that I must do:

1. I will give you the necessary time to prove your love and commitment to me.
2. I will be open with my feelings.
3. I will ask the questions that are important to me.
4. I won’t be afraid that you will drive me away while you are trying to heal.
5. I will stop blaming myself for your actions. I am in no way responsible...even if I am Attila the Hun!
6. I must be able to let you connect with me. (this one takes time)
7. I must continue checking up on you in order to let you rebuild trust.
8. I must be willing to seek counseling so that I do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.


Things you need to know

1. I love you with all my heart.
2. You are in an infatuation, which is the same thing as being hooked on crack so far as your brain works.
3. When you come down from the infatuation, you are going to experience emotions of guilt, betrayal, remorse and a dozen other things that will make your joy trip right now simply not worth it.
4. You are hooked up with a person willing to destroy a marriage a family our children’s lives and so are you.
5. If you do not quit lying to yourself and terminate the affair - both contact and in your mind, I am going for a divorce and will petition the court for full custody as, by your

I hope this helps.

Dr. Harley:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.



<snip>

But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.



http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

KDEE,
Listen to Mel, she helped me save my marriage. My wife too worked with OSH##BAG. She broke no contact and put his cell number back into her phone. If it weren't for Mel I would have tossed her to the curb. She planned on quitting her job. I just hastened it. I simply told her you are with me or you are alone!
This may not sit well with some. Sweetheart you are so early into this marriage and he is cheating. I would demand, yes, demand that he seek counciling immediately or he will suffer his choices.
There will be absolutely no trust whatsoever until one of them leaves that job.
I moved a 1000 miles away to help me feel secure. You need to feel secure, plain and simple.

I don't see the point in going at all if you aren't planning on being honest. He is not going to transfer your H for absolutely no reason.

Again, this is not a job that can't be easily replaced, KDee. There are lots of jobs out there. And I know of NONE that are worth sacrificing a marriage over. We have even had highly paid doctors and scientists on this forum who left thier job to save their marriage.

I just feel so stupid...I know what the right thing to do, yet I’m not doing it. I KNOW he must quit or be transferred. And if he is not going to do it, then the marriage is obviously not worth it to him.

We started going to a wonderful counselor back in Sept after I found out and yet this was still going on throughout the counseling. What does this show me?? That he is not committed in fixing this. I am just so confused, but I DO know that he must either quit or transfer.

Recovery and MC can not start until the affair is over. That's it. Contact keeps the affair going. If not physical the reminders of it.