Hi all,
I am a recently Betrayed Husband (BH?) and am finding it difficult to know exactly how to deal with a separation request.
Firstly, though, I want to thank everyone for this site - I have read much of the main site and columns now and plan to get some of the books. It has helped me to keep a perspective on things and is one of the reasons I still have hope for my marriage.
Also, sorry in advance for the length of this...
Background
I have been happily married for nearly 12 years and have 2 children, 8 and 6. My wife has always said she is happy (apart from what I consider normal, occasional low spots). We have always had a good relationship where we could discuss things openly, though I am not very openly emotional and tend to bottle things up inside (until they explode).
As an example, about 3 years ago, my wife found herself attracted to another man and she immediately told me so that we could be open about it and prevent it from going further. We re-affirmed our love and our marriage grew stronger. In hindsight, that should probably have been a serious wake up call to me, but I trusted what she told me about loving me wholeheartedly.
About May 2005 she was finding our marriage tough. She has since told me that she was questioning the whole basis and foundation of our marriage. This seems partly to be because many of our friends marriages were having problems, including near affairs, affairs, divorces, etc., and these no doubt contributed to her worrying about our relationship. She is also a part time counsellor, and no doubt sees difficulties in the people she counsels.
In addition, our church broke apart 2 years ago and while we've been going to a group with our kids, there's been little emotional or spiritual support available. As a result, she's largely lost faith in God.
In June, a new conductor arrived at her choir (she is a committee member on it). One of her issues with me is that I don't like classical music as much as her. As a result, I don't go to her choir and look after the kids instead. He is a musician, conductor, and composer. There was obviously an instant attraction between them (she is one of the youngest and nicest looking choir members so would also have looked v. attractive to him, a 52 y/o divorcee with a failed marriage because of an affair - his).
Nothing happened immediately, but the attraction of this man and her unhappy feelings in our marriage may have created a cycle whereby she found more to blame in our marriage while becoming more and more attracted to him.
I have some blame for this, as we have been doing a lot of things apart for some time, and while I considered we were still doing enough things together (occasional meals out, nights in watching TV and talking, etc) there was a lot of time spent apart - she would talk on the telephone for hours and I would use the PC or watch TV. Our kids go to bed at about 8, but we do not have much peace as they often only go to sleep between 10 and 11pm, so possibly evenings are not "quality" time.
Issues arising
I did not find out about her difficulties until October, when she told me she was depressed and was not sure she wanted our marriage to continue. This was a bolt out of the blue for me, as I thought were fine and were beginning to enjoy various aspects of life again (now that the kids are a little older). She did not tell me about feelings for OM at that time - and I believe their relationship was only just beginning.
My wife had decided to go to counselling, and went to a counsellor for some weeks (up to Christmas) but I now understand that she did not tell the counsellor about OM and got no input on that front. From what I can tell (from WW) the counsellor appears to have gotten no further than getting her to express her (mostly dark) feelings for me, without helping her to form a plan for changing or improving them, etc.
Once she told me about the concerns she had about our relationship (in October and since) I continually expressed love and support and concern and a willingness to change / rebuild / recreate our relationship. Despite this, she has become more distant saying that "she needs to sort herself out" and "it wasn't my problem to resolve". I now believe this was largely because of the presence of OM.
Indeed, telling me about the problems she had with our marriage appears to have somehow released her to grow the relationship with OM, and she ended up seeing him more, communicating more, and sleeping with him in December.
About 15 Dec I found a huge mobile phone bill. I started having suspicions as the calls were not to her friends (as I had expected) but to a strange number (which I discovered was his from an innocent email about choir things on our PC).
On 24 Dec, a number of other things had become plain, and I got a close friend to come over and confronted her with the evidence. She admitted being "too close" to this person, and was unrepentent of that. She did not admit to anything physical.
On 1 Jan she told me that she wanted to separate for a while "in order to sort out her feelings for me". She also admitted (following the prompting of a friend) the physical relationship and that it had started early-mid December. I obviously felt sick and upset, but fortunately I had already read some of this site. As a result, I did not shout and rage (which is what I felt like doing). I calmly (though tearfully) told her that I still loved her very much and I wanted to make our marriage work.
The Separation Issue
She tells me she is desperate and needs a trial separation to have space, and says she knows that she cannot do it without my support. I have said that I will probably accept it in order to show love for her, even though I don't believe it is the right approach.
I am frightened that allowing the separation gives her space (and potentially the license) to follow her A with OM. I have carefully expressed this fear to her and asked if she would consider agreeing not to see him while she has the separation, in order to gain clarity of mind w.r.t. me. She would not agree to this, but did say she was not making plans to "rush into" a deeper relationship with him while separated. I find this difficult to accept, given that she will not agree not to see him.
I have started my own counselling (today) and have also got some very supportive friends. WW has agreed to go to joint counselling, but stated again that it might be pointless and that she's not sure she wants to save our marriage. She states that I am set in my ways, do not meet her needs, and will not and can not ever do so.
One of my questions is, if she leaves for a separation, how can I work on Plan A and attempt to meet the needs I've been missing so far / recently?
Another question is, does anyone have any experience of separation in this kind of circumstance, and whether it may be a positive or negative thing to do? I believe she will be angry with me if I do not agree to it on her terms (i.e. it will become a potential Love Buster).
Anyway, I would truly appreciate answers to these questions, or any insights you people may have.
Thanks
DRD
