Hello. I am 29 with a daughter who is 3. I found out the end of last August that my H was having an affair with a very close friend of mine. He woke me in the middle of the night to confess all after he found out his best friend (my friend's fiance) had confronted her about cheating. When she confessed he must have been pressured to tell me everything. At first I was under the impression that it had only happened one time, but found out the next day it had happened over a course of several months. He never would tell me exactly when it started but that only it stopped before his best friend proposed to my friend back in July. I made a concious descision to not do anything rash because of my daughter. Who absolutely adores her daddy. We started seeing a counselor and she had said there was a lot of hope for our relationship. However, I have been noticing every little thing that irritates me about him and am realizing that he just doesn't make me happy. I wonder if this is why things went bad in the first place. He seems to have already gotten back into his old habits or routine and isn't really trying hard. Hard in my standards - which means: do nothing wrong, don't tick me off and show that you are sorry every day until I say otherwise. He showed he was extremely remourseful when he told me and several weeks after, but now it's like he thinks all is forgotten and forgiven and I can go back to normal. Which of course I am not ready for. If anyone has any advice on my story I would love to hear it.

Thanks - Kim

Kim,

Welcome to MB. It sounds like you BOTH have a lot of work ahead of you.

Why don't you start by reading all the materials on here. It is based on the book "his needed, her needs". It has some interesting things to say. Try it, talk to your H about filling out the questionairs. It is a good place to start.

Good luck.
Daisy

Recovery is a bumpy road for anyone.

To make it the easiest, both partners need to develop new habits, and new ways of dealing with things. You will find lots on information about that here. Such as, has he sent a No Contact letter? Have you been checking enough to reassure yourself they are not back in contact?

My FWH is much more irritating to me with the little things, so I think that must be normal, but he is also trying very hard to be a good H, even more than 6 mo into recovery. He has not gone back to his old habits, which is making it much easier for me.

Keep chatting here; you will learn so much.

Hi Kim,
Are you guys still in counseling?

My husband is similar to yours in that he wants to forget it happened. He has moved on with life and thinks I should, too. It ain't that easy.

My counselor says that is like the demon on his back has been transferred to mine. I try to dislodge it, but its fangs are buried deep in my back.

I try to explain it to my husband like this "you knew about it for weeks/months that it was going on. You have had time to process the guilt, confusion, etc that you felt. This is new to me. I haven't had that time. I need to process it in my way."

Have you read the books His Needs Her Needs and Surving an affair? If not, I would suggest you read them soon. There were things in your marriage that were probably not great before the A. You guys need to figure out what you both need to work on. Hopefully, he'll cooperate with you and will work on the relationship, too.

We, as the betrayed spouse, also need to see when we have unrealistic expectations of our FWS. I am not coming down on you, but I want you to see how your conditions might be a little unrealistic. "Hard in my standards - which means: do nothing wrong, don't tick me off and show that you are sorry every day until I say otherwise." Sure, that is what we all want, but no one is perfect. I know it has been a struglle for me to nor have unrealistic expectations.

If the two of you will learn what each needs as their top emotional needs and start working on meeting those, your expectations will be more realistic and you relationship will improve.

I hope the very best for you.

I know exactly how you feel. I am so irritated by everything my H does wrong now. I used to really dislike certain aspects of his personality & had alot of LB's, but then, came to realize those weren't so important & let it go. I did this b/c I thought he was loyal & faithful. Then, when he confessed to me what he had done, over time, I seem to have no patience for all the irritating habits. I'm watching his every word & every action like a hawk, then critical when he's not meeting my needs or doing what he says.

I guess it just takes time, I don't know. My H too seems to want a fast track to recovery. When I seem like I'm accepting it one day, then go into a deep depression another day and maybe have an angry resentful day, he's frustrated. I finally told him I just need him to take care of me - no lectures about what I need to be doing to move on, just hugs & support. I just need to be consoled about my loss. I lost the marriage I thought I had. It's like a death & grieving is necessary. I read the 5 stages of grief to him as well so he could have better understanding of what is necessary for me to move forward.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html

I also read him a letter from another WS in which I printed & highlighted it for him so he could have a better understanding of what a WS should be doing & how they should be focusing on the BS feelings.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=010715

I think he finally got what I need from him by helping him see how I was going through normal stages of grief & time is required to move forward.

My H is still working on bad habits so we'll see. He does fall back into the old habits easily, so we have to talk often about it. I keep reminding him too that this WILL be a long process for me.

I hope this helps.

It sounds like there are so many other people going through the same thing I am. I just ordered the His Needs, Her Needs and am really looking forward to the information. I sure can use some help.

It seems that my H has been very willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. I am thankful for that. Although, like you guys were saying - they have already dealth with their emotions and are ready to move on, but have a really hard time remembering that we have just been handed this huge stress that we now have to work out on our own.

I think the biggest key right now is to be completely open with how I feel and tell him when I am having a bad day and when I don't want to be around him. We have always been good with communication except when he strayed. I see that as a big plus. I am optimistic, but there [color:"purple"] [/color] are days where I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Betrayal has got to be the worst obstacle I have ever dealt with.