I’ll try to make as easy to follow as possible:
My question is “Should I end it?”

I’m in my mid 40s; one child. I’m on my second marriage (separated for two years); husband’s third. My child is a teenager from first marriage but second husband adopted.

I was separated/divorced for 2.5 years and dated no one until I met my husband. He was divorced from his first wife (nasty divorce and post divorce) and mother of his 2 children (one boy/one girl) for one year when he married someone else. He cheated on his first wife and might have been involved w/the second wife before the divorce was final; I have my suspicions. The second marriage lasted about 1.5 years and ended in divorce because of his kids. There were several women in between the second divorce and me. He was divorced from the second wife about three years when we met. The second wife was still in his life; took care of his checkbook,etc.

We dated 7 months before we married. There were family ties on both sides between us so an immediate comfort level was established. I was in church and he was just getting into church. I was lonely and had been praying that God would put someone into my life. I just knew he was God's answer to my prayer.

He is a double standards kind of person. Okay for him to have a past but not me. I admit I lied about a lot of my past to him because I felt I would lose him if he knew the truth. Nothing illegal; just some poor choices as a teenager. Remember, I was in my late thirties when I met him. We’ve been together 9 years so we’re talking about 30 plus years ago.

Less than one year after we married, he had an affair with a woman 10 years younger. She was a co-worker of his sister’s. Things weren’t going well w/us and his kids were playing games like not coming because of me and my child; would come if we weren't going to be around; would come if they could do X. I found out about the affair. Initially he denied but the next day admitted it. I decided to stay because I was so in love with him. So, the marriage has been rocky from the beginning. His children ruled the roost; the ex’s and ours. They played games with us. The son moved back and forth between our two houses almost a dozen times in three years and it was nasty each time. I have no relationship w/kids;both now grown but not gone. Bad, bad situation.

We evolved into a marriage with no relationship. We spent no time together. He took up little time w/my child and blatantly chose his over mine. There were fights over money. He lost a longtime job due to downsizing. From there we opened a company that we sold in a couple of years; bad decision to buy. He always has to have new vehicles, new clothes, etc. I drive old vehicles, more conservative. He did a few jobs for a few months each and then, 2 years ago, opened another business that is doing pretty good.

At 16, his son got a girl pregnant. They married after the baby was born. The son came to work for my husband over my objections. Over my objections, he allowed the son/wife/baby to move into our house. I told him “no” before he did it but he did it anyway. Excuse was that I had finally confessed to a lie I had told about something I had done as a 15 year old and he didn’t care what I thought. When he moved them in, my child and I moved out about 3 weeks later.

I left my pay in a joint account. My money still goes for mortgage, utilities, food, etc. I have the health insurance. He constantly threatens to take everything. He talks about the people he knows who could have me fired from my job. I am financially fine w/out him. I have great family support.

I’ve asked him for a divorce at least 3 times and, each time, he threatens to commit suicide. He accuses me of having an affair with someone at church. Not true but I have developed a friendship with the person and believe the person to be someone I could have a relationship with if I wasn’t married. He stopped going to church altogether about a year before I started talking to this person. After he found that out, he started a friendship back up with the second ex-wife. There has also been a relationship with someone he met via the business; lots of late night phone calls; lots of threats that he was going to be wtih her. All the while though he curses me like a sailor, calls me all sorts of names (slut, bit__, etc.) threatens to reveal my past to everyone, etc. Says he’ll make my life a living ******. Like he hasn’t already.

So, for the question. Do I stay married and go back home and continue to put my child into the situation with his kids and the relationship that exists between me and them; horrible. The mental abuse he has put me through from the first affair to now has been horrible. Do I try to make it work or do I go through with a divorce? We have a draft set of papers from an attorney.

Counseling – we met a couple of times w/pastor where I attend church;didn't help. We met w/a psychologist two times but he thought he was blaming him so he wouldn’t go back. We have individually talked to counselors both of whom have told us to end it; they had our side of the story only though.

Praying to God for guidance – I have been. I’ve prayed all I know to pray. I’ve asked for signs. Things will be going okay; getting along okay and I’ll ask God to show me what to do. Within hours he’ll call and we’ll get into an argument over absolutely nothing. God’s sign or a coincidence? My counselor said there are no coincidences w/God and that was a sign. Two-three others have said the same thing. I could write pages on the stuff that has gone on; mental abuse, tiny bit of physical; more throwing things than anything.

Advice, please. Do I end it for the sake of my child and my sanity and get on with my life?

"He accuses me of having an affair with someone at church. Not true but I have developed a friendship with the person and believe the person to be someone I could have a relationship with if I wasn’t married."

This sounds like an emotional affair. Can you elaborate further?

This DOES sound like an emotional affair...something that you both SHOULD be concerned with.

At the same time, I have to say that NONE of us can tell you if you should stay or go. YOU have to make that choice. Now, if you want advice on what you might be able to do to improve things, we could try to provide some of that.

Guess I'm not familiar with all the terminology used on this site. Is there a place on this site where I can learn what everything means, i.e. all the acronyms?
As for this being an emotional affair, I'm guessing you mean an affair that didn't involve anything physical?
Perhaps. I know that I wasn't being accused, wasn't being cursed, wasn't being put last above everything else. I never talked to person other than at church, never met, no phone calls, no outside meetings, interaction or correspondence of any kind. I don't consider it an EA (is that right?) but, you may. I know I would never have a PA. I live with too many regrets now as it is.

At this point, I truly don't know what to do. In the two years I've never wanted to go back. I've GONE back a couple of times but it didn't last.
I'm concerned that we've let so much happen without resolving anything and we can't talk about anything significant.
I truly wish I could know that I've heard from God and that I am making the right decision to move forward with the divorce.

Okay, if you are not acting on it, it hasn't become an EA.

I would continue reading here all about how a good marriage should be. Then hold out for it.

Your husband needs to show you that he can change.

In the meantime, make any changes that you need to make on yourself.

This is more a war zone than a marriage.

I think you made a mistake .... you married him after only 7 months .... and he's not a very nice man.

My opinion is:

if your H does not treat your child with kindness, and he does not treat you with care and kindness ... get out. Especially with a history of "tiny bit physical abuse".

"I’ve asked for signs. Things will be going okay; getting along okay and I’ll ask God to show me what to do. Within hours he’ll call and we’ll get into an argument over absolutely nothing."

It sounds 2 me like you're getting the signs you're asking for. You just need 2 recognize them.

About the lies about 30 years ago stuff. Why does that matter at this point? Why not let him tell all he wants 2 about them. They were a long time ago and you're not the same person now. On the other hand, why didn't you disclose them 2 him before you married? If he had chosen not 2 marry you because of your past, you might just have been better off since.

best,
-ol' 2long

I'm still not sure exactly what an EA is other than knowing the acronym but, I haven't done anything but occasionally talk for a couple of minutes. Nice guy but I don't want to add to my list of regrets.
My husband has shown that he can change but when I don't immediately respond and act as though all in the marriage is great, he goes back to the same old, same old.
At this point maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that it's over. I don't know why I can't seem to make a move in either direction.

It has been a war zone and has steadily gotten worse. He's never actually hit me but has pushed me around and thrown things. The abuse has actually been more emotional than anything. Lots of cursing out, lots of threats.
About the 7 months, my initial desire was to date/be engaged for at least a couple of years but he really pushed the marriage idea. Of course now he tells me I'm crazy and he didn't do that.
We've been separated for 2 years almost so I haven't actually lived in the house w/him but we have daily contact.
In his defense he has gotten better w/my child and I have to admit I have been pretty intolerant of his. Our home was more like a hotel where they were concerned. No respect for it being our home. I had no say so over anything where they were concerned and I resented it because I helped support them.

About the signs. I believe I've had lots. I just don't seem to be able to make a decision and stick w/it. He has the ability to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him. He has health issues and I carry the insurance. He has to take care of everything including all company stuff if I go. But, he didn't mind dumping all that in my lap when we were together. I guess I have that rescuer mentality.
About the lies..... I don't know why some men (maybe women too) have to know all the details. His past equals mine in most respects and I understand that the past can't be changed. I've never held his past life against him. As for why did I lie... by the time the subject was mentioned, I was totally infatuated. I used to say I was in love but, I believe now that I was lonely and we had a lot in common and I fell for him. I did not take the time to truly know him or his kids and by the time I did we were already married.
He says what you said: If I had been honest about my past we would never have gotten married. NOw though he says he doesn't even think about it and it's not an issue (until he gets mad and curses me out!!!)

Reading signs. I believe in that. I believe God led you here for something different than your question. Or maybe from it will come a greater answer?

"I just don't seem to be able to make a decision and stick w/it."

First sign. You understand that you waver. You believe your H can manipulate your feelings (into feeling sorry, responsible) and you guess you have a rescurer mentality. These are important self-truths. You also sound full of resentment and anger.

Before you decide, would you consider knowing yourself a lot more? Finding out about who you are, what boundaries you have, what respect is for others and for yourself?

I'm not attacking you at all (if I come off that way). I hear sadness, regret, admission, recognition of abuse; what I'm asking is for you to find out why, what is the pay off, where does this come from.

Have you considered individual counseling for you and not the marriage? What are your lovebusters? Owning what you do and why you do it gives you a good bit of ground to stand on for yourself and is critical to good decision-making.

In your original post, you describe actions and reactions, why you lied, what prompted his cheating...not as if they were choices, but nearly natural consequences. His infidelity is his own issue--why you fell in love with someone with that history is your own.

You had a lot in common, you said. I have a theory that the more we have in common with our spouses, the less boundaries we put into place because we are more enmeshed...which leads to disrespectful judgments and assumptions (hence, less and less openness and honesty and communication).

Was your first marriage a war zone?

This is my last post of the night I feel all over the place. I do see total focus on your husband, as if he was making you decide this; could be I'm really tired, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You're being honest here, and brave, and careful and conscious of this decision. I pray God is seen in your life with clarity (I mean the signs). You're in my thoughts.

LA

Before I respond to any of your questions I have one of my own. Do you know where I can find a cheat sheet of what all the acronyms are? I saw one on this website a couple of days ago but didn't have access to printer at the time; now I can't find it.
I have a ton of anger, resentment, bitterness bottled up inside. I guess it's because nothing has been resolved. There has been one problem, one disaster, one whatever after another our entire marriage.
Reading your post, I didn't feel attacked at all and , that's why I'm posting here. I need total objectivity in this situation. I've talked to folks who are too close to the situation to be objective.
I have been to a female Christian counselor about 5 times. She helped me to see that I have some issues of self worth that are related to my childhood and that some of the things I did that my husband has a problem with are related to that. She feels that I've never forgiven myself for what I did to me and my husband constantly reminding me of it via his anger and cursing doesn't help.
I believe my husband lied too in much of what he told me early on. My belief before the marriage was that he and I were different people than we were when we made those mistakes. I made lots of mistakes from 15-21 but after than I settled down, started college and started moving past all that. I rededicated my life to Christ and put the past behind me or so I thought.
My first marriage was a walk in the park as compared to this one. First husband was an easy going, laid back kid. We just drifted apart and didn't want the same things out of life. He wanted to play with his friends and have a good time. I grew up and wanted to have family life with my husband and child. When we signed the papers he moved to another part of the country and left our lives for good so I never had to put up with the stuff that I will with this one.
I truly want to know God's will in this. I believe with all my heart that God's presence in my life is what matters most and I don't want to be outside his will in this decision. One has to be made though and soon for both our sakes. We both deserve the ability to move on and start the next phase of our lives, either together or apart.

Check out the first post in Just Found Out. It gives the accronyms. Basically it is WW, WS, WH - wayward wife, wayward spouse, wayward husband - BW, BS, BH - betrayed wife, spouse, husband, EA - emotional affair (inappropriate relationship outside marriage), PA - physical affair. Then there is NC for no contact.

Thank you so much.

Praying to God for guidance – I have been. I’ve prayed all I know to pray.


Jesus asked the man
"Do you want to get well"
Jesus’ question echoes down through the ages to us today "Do you want to get well?" Today Jesus waits for your response. Will you continue to hold on to the things that hold you back? Will you offer the same old excuses? Or will you listen to the instruction of Jesus and reach for that which is beyond yourself. Will you "Get up and walk"?

taken from John 5:1-5:9 Sermoncentral...

life2...your moniker says it all..

life is too short for you to live this way...

your husband is very very unhealthy....
and is irrational

and you need to remove yourself from his chaos...
IF you want to get well....

Your husbands use to control you via your past is a sick little game....
and is extremely unhealthy and beyond NORMAL thought process....

his attempt to control you by blaming any actions that you did as a fifteen year old....is not normal thought processes....

his multiple affairs are not normal actions of a committed married man...

his name calling, physical abuse and suicide threats are not the actions of normal healthy brain...

and you must remove yourself from this situation for you and the sake of your daughter....

you need a plan to extracate yourself...

you need to move slowly cautiously and meticuolously...to save yourself and your daughter....

Am I understanding that you have already moved out...

Are you and your daughter SAFE?

Is there visitation..for I would go through the courts and seek only supervised visits with this madman...

I am very fearful of your safety.
You can not have a marriage with someone who is so unregulated unhealthy.....

This man needs months of counsel before you even begin to discuss recconicilliation...
months

do not return to that home....

prepare legally for protection..restraining orders etc...
record all incoming calls in which he is foul
begin a paper trail

be safe

get in to counseling
get legal counsel
read on this site..
avoid powerstruggles..arguements and being alone with him...

read up on this site...
get your ducks lined up
write a plan B letter of hope with the only hope of reconcilliation being severe counseling, anger management courses....etc...

do not return to that chaos...

ARK

I am out of the house and we are in a safe environment in terms of living arrangements but we do have daily contact w/him.
I believe all of the nasty stuff he does is to manipulate me into returning home. If we divorce he loses health insurance, my income (which is 3 times his), my help w/company paperwork, occasional help w/laundry, grocery shopping (yep! I'm a stooge), etc.
He has threatened to tell my life story to others including the person he thinks I've had an A with (I didn't).
I've done most of the stuff you've suggested.

As for John 5:1-9 you're saying this also is a parable. You must do what you are asking for.
I have great feelings of "what if". I've often heard it said that many people never realize their miracle because they stop short of it. Am I throwing away what could be good again or am I realizing that it was never good and I need to move on? I'm so wishy washy. When he curses me out I am STRONG and say that's it. When it blows over I'm back to wishy washy.

Your husband is MENTALLY ILL...do you understand that...

there is NOTHING normal .....about holding a 40plus year old women accountable for the actions of her as a FIFTEEN year old child...as long as you are accountable today for who you are..

he will not be a good man until he faces himself in the mirror and chooses a different path....

he is violent
violitile
a sexual risk to your own life
chaotic
cruel
childish
foul mouthed
controlling

and you are considering even placing a toe back in to that situation...

it's not your JOB to save him...and nor can you...

he must make and iniate these changes on his own....

would you advise your daughter to return to a marriage like you describe...

I am not even sure while being seperated why you are not limiting your exposure to his crap..

expose you to people
ruin your job
calls you names....

who in their right mind would advise you to return to that KNOWN crap...

except that it is comfortable to you because it is what you have come to know...

he is mentally ill...he needs medication and counseling...
and until he has months of that under his belt...you better not go back to it..

ARK