Thank you all for your replies, it really does help. I am not normally a Drama Queen and I am not doing this for attention. Last year I went through the pain of losing a baby at 7 months of pregnancy and I feel like I'm reliving that loss all over again, but this time I'm doing it alone. I do have people I can trust and rely on and I'm sure I will be safe tonight. I will go to the clinic in the morning and see if there's something they can give me. Even if it takes a couple of weeks to kick in, just knowing that some relief is on the way may help. It does help to know that I'm not alone...

You did a brave thing telling us how you feel. In my experience, reaching out shows you have a desire to live!

If you feel so bad that you can only make one phone call, please call 1-800-SUICIDE. They've dealt others who feel like you do, and they can HELP.

Very few get through infidelity without support from their doctors and/or meds. There is NO SHAME in getting the help you need.

PS: Call your mom often. She lifts you up and that's a very good thing! And throw those bananas and the orange juice in the blender with some ice cubes. Make a smoothie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You can get through this!

also - you need to get some sleep!
during a traumatic time like this, you usually don;t get more than 2-3 hours of sleep at night, which can really intensify the feelings of depression.

I would seriously consider talking to your docotr about a sleep aid. I know you want to stay away from medications - we all say that in the beginning! But there is nothing wrong with getting a little help to get throguh the rough times. Getting a good nights sleep will help you a lot. It will help you to think more clearly.

Many of us have suffered miscarriages too, and I really know how you feel! ((((hugs)))) I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yea, Listen to above. All is true. You are brave, but please make the phone call. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Oh, by the way. If you have some strawberries, that smoothie would really be good so toss some in if you have them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Browyn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

bronwyn

I am sorry, I just saw your post about your loss on your miscarriage. I am truely sorry for you. I will pray for your right now and pray throughout the evening for you. Stay safe girl.

You are loved by many. You are very important.

What helped me was to think that I was in a type of fog and that perhaps two years from now I would have a different perspective. Actually, it took almost four years, but consider that there will come a day when you will have a different perspective.
Cherished

Bronwyn...

When you go to the clinic tomorrow tell them that you need instant relief now...there are things that they can prescribe along with anti-depressants to help while you wait for the AD's to kick in...

For instance, Xanax, if you are suffering from anxiety that so often accompanies depression. Also, when I went through post-partum depression, I was fortunate enough to see a doctor who was a psychiatrist and an OB/GYN...he prescribed 2.5mg/day of Zyprexa (which is a very low dose of an anti-psychotic drug-that sounds scarier that it really is) I only took it for about 14 days, but it helped almost instantly with the negative feelings and the insomnia that I was suffering from. I know you aren't a drama queen, but sometimes it helps to be one when trying to get your point across to a doctor...

Take Care of You...Shout if you need anything at all!

Mrs. W

Bronwyn, you're definitely much braver than I...
when I went through the suicidal ideations (SI), I didn't post it here. But I did ask a couple of my friends to check-in on me with phone calls every day for about 2 wks, that helped quite a bit. Oh and I did have to take a sleeping pill every night for about a month before I was able to feel more in control.
I forget who but some said this about SI, it is a PERMANENT solution for a TEMPORARY problem. You'll get through it...

Bron:

I don't post much here anymore but follow many stories of those who have experienced the same things that brings us all here. When I read your post, my heart dropped and I went back not so long ago to remember where I was, what I was planning and then compared to where I am today.

My story is not that important. Just suffice that I was the BS, a successful and well respected businessman and professional and secure and confident to the point of being cocky. I lived my life that way for a long time...until D-Day and the events leading up to that day.

I went farther than to just think about suicide. I actually had thoughts about how that I would do it and make it look like an accident, were my affairs in order, changes to beneficiaries, etc. I didn't get that close but I got close enough. It had been recommended that I look at AD's for many years (basically since the A started) but I was opposed. I was too strong, the head of the household, the person in the business community that was the up and comer..I was just too proud.

Jump forward several years. D-day...the day that my world did a 180, the unthinkable, the impossible...now was my reality.

Fortunately for me, I got really good help. My IC started me on AD's, my wife and I began recovery, my focus was changed but more positive on everything. Today in an email my wife wrote me "I love the husband you have worked so hard at becoming and the husband that for the 1st time in my life that I feel I deserve." That is a far cry from the two people that could barely stand each other not long ago.

My point is twofold. First, don't be afraid of the AD's whether they are temporary or not. Nothing to be ashamed of and part of a long term personal recovery recipe. Secondly, no one wins by suicide. I had come to a cross in the road in my life. The cross was really my decision on whether to choose to rebuild my marriage or to chose to go at it alone. Didn't matter which direction that I chose, only that in the process I healed myself, repaired my trust in people and grew in my faith.

I saw the cross in the road but didn't like having to make that decision. It was just too hard, too unfair. To me there was another alternative...just end the pain, everyone would be better off. Well, when you really start to think about the logic behind that statement, there just is no logic to it, rather only a need as a person to escape the pain. I didn't think about my kids, my other family members, my clients, those who didn't know me but knew who I was...what a ****** of an example I was going to set for them. Fortunately, God took me back to the crossroads. There was only two directions, stay or go. He didn't care which direction I went, only that I beared the cross that he gave me. I fell a few times carrying that cross but now I am happier than I have ever been in my life, business is booming, I am a better person, father, Christian and husband than most could ever imagine me becoming. I can now set the example of a survivor, one that suffered but perservered, one that others can look to in what is important in life, one that has shown by example.

Please, take my advice. I have been at that crossroads. It's not fun but it is bearable. With help and support you will find happiness, regardless of whether you turn left or right. Just don't go straight. It is a dead end.

NT

bronwyn,

I hope this helps, so I'll share my story with you. In college, I got engaged to a man who I was passionately in love with. Later, he wanted to postpone the wedding so he could go to school for a year away from where we lived. Shortly after that, he called the engagement off & broke up with me. I was so suspicious about why & eventually found out he had cheated with 2 OW during out engagement. He wanted to move away where OW#2 lived & be with her. I was devastated. The wedding was planned, the date was set, the dresses were bought. I cried, begged, etc. but it was over.

One night, I went out with friends, got extremely drunk, came home, called him (it only made me feel worse), then took a bottle of pills. I told him I was going to kill myself because no one cared & it didn't matter (my family wasn't supportive at all during this difficult time, I had dropped out of college & was sleeping all day & drinking alot). He didn't believe me. THANK GOD - and I mean that because God spared my life that night. I woke up sicker then I've ever been in my entire life. I threw up for hours, dizzy & very sick for 2 days after that. I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO relieved that I was given a second chance at life. I recovered & told no one about it because I was SO embarrassed that I would let a sleaze like that man almost end MY LIFE!!! And remember, his sleazy life would have gone on & he would live life while I was in the dirt. It might hurt him temporarily or maybe not, but he would move on & live.

It's hard for me to talk about because I am so ashamed that I didn't trust God more then that. That incident has forever changed my life. Time has gone on & I have had SO many wonderful things in life that I have experienced. How could I be so short-sighted? I have SO much to live for.

SO DO YOU! DON'T LET SOMEONE ELSE BE YOUR DEFINING MOMENT IN LIFE. I can't imagine now if my life had ended that my family & friends would always think of me giving up because some stupid guy cheated & left me. They would be so mad at me & so disappointed. And that pain would never end because I made a totally selfish decision never thinking of the impact I would have on others. And finally, I would be in eternal he11 which is far, far worse then anything on this earth because there is NO HOPE THERE. I shutter when I think I could be there for eternity for ending my own life & not trusting God.

I thank God alot that he spared me from that end. And he has given me so much more to be thankful for since that terrible time in my life. Sure, life hasn't been easy since I'm here at MB talking about infidelity, but NO ONE will EVER have that much power over me again as to make me wish for death. I can never be in enough pain here that I would give up my life for it, because I know there is a brighter future ahead!

I don't know if this is helpful, but I hope there will be some value to you. LIFE IS WORTH LIVING - EVEN THROUGH THE PAINFUL TIMES.

JAMES 1:2-5
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Sweetheart, I want you to listen to me! I know exactly how you feel. I do. I was at your place at another time in my life. I felt so utterly alone and despondant. My life seemed like sheer ****** and I could not get the pain to stop.
I felt like God had forsaken me and there was no where else to turn. I planned my suicide twice, but it was interrupted.
After all these years I know Who interrupted my plans and why. He had not forsaken me at all.
You are loved, make no mistake about that. And your pain will start to subside some and you will start to think a little more clearly.
I want you to call someone and get some help. You need to be honest with them and tell them exactly how you feel and what you are thinking. They will then know how to proceed.

Hi Bronwyn,

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I've been there too. My WH moved out and I couldn't eat, sleep, focus, etc. But I could cry! And cry I did for a long time. Just want to let you know that it took time and meds but things got better. It's not going to happen overnight but slowly things do get better.

In one of the many books I bought after D-Day, I read that our souls choose our lives before our physical bodies are created. Whatever hardships we encounter are supposedly ones we have chosen to grow from. But we don't just get the hardships, we are given the tools we need to survive them and grow. Somehow that helped me. Soooo, if we are experiencing unbearable pain, somewhere deep in the recesses of our souls are the tools for us to use. These awful experiences are supposed to change us and mold us, but not kill us. We all have lots of angels in the universe looking over us. Ask your angels to watch over you and protect you. There are so many people who love you that you are not even aware of.

Stay on this website, you'll get lots of support. We care about you Bronwyn. Be good to yourself.

Bronwyn,
I'm sorry you find yourself feeling so down but you are not alone by any means. Most on this site have been through some of the most emotionally devastating stuff life can chuck at at a person. There is no shame in getting help wherever you can find it. TALK to people. Come here let us know how you are doing. Ask questions! At my lowest point I wanted to curl up under a rock and just turn everything off. Others love you though! Just because one idiot is making some really bad choices should not define you . It is hard and painful but you will also learn alot about yourself and you will be surprised at how resilient you are!
Get medical help to deal with the depression. I hardly ever take even tylenol but I did have to get some Xanax to deal with this crap. If you get to that really low point (you know where it is), Call someone. Talk to somebody. Be safe.
68

Dear Browyn,

I have walked in your shoes.

I have felt the pain of rejection, betrayal and excrutiating pain, that has no comparison to any other pain I have ever felt in my life, including child birth.

Friend, have hope. Pain is a temporary, and one day you will be able to again experience happiness, joy and peace. The good feelings will be more intense, and sweet because of all the pain you have experienced and endured.

I know it feels like your life is over, and there is no joy to be found.

During the first weeks of discovery of EA, I lost weight, couldn't eat because food tasted like cardboard and was hard to swallow, especially in front of ws at the time. I cried at least two dozen times a day.

I spent hours on the phone talking to my sisters and friends, who comforted me with words to build up my spirit, and my self esteem, which was in the toliet.

My lifesaver was all the wonderful members here. They supported me emotionally, and gave me hope and helped to create a plan to break up the affair and recover our marriage.

Just remember suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

((Browyn))

Take care, and keep on posting.


Sincerely,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

Browyn

Thinking about you this morning. I am praying you will follow through with going to the clinic, talking to your Mom and friends. Keep posting.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Browyn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you all for sharing your stories and support. I made it throught the night, and today it is slightly more bearable. I was able to eat a half of a banana this morning, which was an improvement. I've got to go to visit a client (I'm already late with a project -- I called in sick the past 2 days), but I will stop by the clinic on my way home. I got about 4 hours sleep last night, but only 2 in a row. I've got to be able to get some sleep soon.

Anyway, I am very glad that I posted in here because just the act of reading your replies kept me from acting out on any stupid thoughts I was having. I hate what my H has done to me, but I will not let that ruin my life.

Good morning my dear. So glad you checked in.
I will tell you what I had to do at work.
My work was suffering and I was totally withdrawn. I was on contract with my company at a customer site. One of the managers that I worked with well came up to me and said" Something deeply is troubling you and I want you to know you can talk to me about "Anything" when you are ready".
Later that day I broke down in tears and told him. He said I had a feeling that is what was wrong. You are looking just like my brother did. The second thing out of his mouth was," you will be alright and you will recover from this and I will help you in any way I can"
There is somebody like that where you work and you need to find a way to approach them. You need to let them know what is happening so they can understand. That will aid you with any moody issues at work. I know this is tough but you need support everywhere in your life with this.
And you know what? I am much, much better today!

We have all been there. I have to live every day for my kids, but at times I thought they would be better off without me. At least their standard of living would stay the same, but without me they would be devastated and I know that now.

Run don't walk to a Dr. Mine put me on Xanex and it helped immediately. Now I only take it when I am having a bad trigger. And those do come but they are getting fewer and farther between.

Work on you. Suicide in a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Say that over and over and you will get it. I did. I also said this too shall pass. And it has. Everyday I get stronger. Good Luck to you just remember no one is worth your life.

Good Day Bronwyn,

I'm so glad you checked in. You have already touched the lives of so many of us here, so don't even think about walking away. You're in our web now, there's no turning back!

I could not function at work as well. Was out sick because I couldn't stop tearing up and crying and I was working in a classroom with kids. For me, talking to people was a huge help. I could not STOP talking about it. It was the only thing that helped me feel better. And after I was done with one conversation, I'd get my phone book out and call another. I wish I found this website sooner because posting here has been the most helpful of all. The good people here do not judge so you can unload all you like.

I also could not sleep and would often awake in the middle of the night in a panic. I got a prescription for that (don't even remember what it was) and only needed to use it a few times. The nice thing was that if I took one, I was guaranteed a night's sleep.

I want to tell you that what you are feeling is a normal reaction to a bad situation. OH, one other thing you need to know: This is NOT your fault!!! Don't you ever forget that OK?

Hey, I just had a thought. Do you have a dog? How about going out and getting yourself an adorable little puppy to take care of. They need you and they give unconditional love and company in return.

Here is a cute anecdote from my d-day days. I couldn't concentrate on anything but the big "A". My mind would wander so deep in thought trying to relive the months that led up to this to see what clues I missed. I would spend hours trying to figure out what he was thinking. Have you ever driven home from a place and when you arrived realized you had no recolection of the trip because you were so absorbed in thought? Scary but that was me.

Anyway, I used to tell my son things like "Mommy is very distracted right now and I can't remember things so you'll have to remind me a lot." Well, one day we were going out for ice cream and I asked him what he wanted, flavors, toppings, etc. When we arrived at the ice cream place he put his hand on my shoulder and said "Mom, I know you've lost your mind, but just remember I want vanilla ice cream!" I just burst out laughing. He knew what his priorities were and he wasn't going to let me forget them!!

Tell me how your day went today.
S.