Just a question:

When you're the BS (as I am) and you have a trigger (as I did today), do you share the experience with your FWH?

I'm debating. Although I want to be honest, I am thinking that discussing my triggers with my FWH may be counterproductive to recovery. However, we do have an honesty policy in place.

Thoughts, please?

You can share your anxiety/fear/pain/etc without implying he needs to "fix" your feelings.

What I learned to do (after doing it very badly for awhile) is this:

"Honey ... I am back in my pain ... please sit with me and just hold me ... I might cry, but it's a release ... I need you now to just be here"

Then when you feel better, look him right in the eyes and say "Thank you. That really helps."

Pepperband,

Great advice... I will use this next time I feel like this.

Thank you, Pep! Going to practice this later on tonight.

I just feel that when I do bring it up, it brings up H's feelings of guilt and I feel badly to have him feel that way. And I feel, in doing so, I put us a few steps behind.
Mixed up logic, I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

However, I will definitely work on this this evening.

Who says you need to manage your husband's guilt? He earned it, let him manage it.

He brought you to this dance .... if he's committed to the marriage recovery, he'll appreciate the opportunity to "help" you .... don't forget to say "Thanks" .... but only say it when you feel he has helped you.

I agree with Pep.

Also feel horribly compelled to mention that Trigger was Roy Rogers' horse and Silver was The Lone Ranger's horse.

But I understand what you mean!
Mulan

I just noticed this

[color:"red"] D-Day 8/24/05
[/color]

You know, there is a hump in recovery, usually around 6 months ... where all of a sudden the feelings and fears and anger come back in a wave ... and it's frightening because you thought you were over the worst ... just letting you know this is NORMAL and expected ... and it doesn't last.

OK ???

((( hug )))

PS ... last time I said there is a "hump in recovery" .... I got some pretty silly sexual innuendo replies ... don't be alarmed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LOL, Mulan. You are so right. I'll try to keep my horses straight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

On a more serious note, Pep, yes, I have mixed feelings on Hs guilt. One that I shouldn't do anything to make it appear and another that, perhaps, he brought me to this place and it's part of the price he's to pay in our recovery. Logically, I know it's not my place to "manage his guilt"; however, emotionally, I have to stop and think of exactly how to express my feelings so as not to drum up guilty feelings. You know, this is so difficult sometimes. And sometimes, I think I think too much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just today I was thinking about how forgiving I've been and how I read some people's stories on this forum and they can't get past certain aspects of the A. I feel badly for them and in comparison, I wonder if I'm looking through a screen at myself and my way of dealing with that recovery. You know, like am I really making that much progress? I was wondering what there is around the corner I haven't experienced yet that might pull me back into the dark abyss. Right now, it feels OK to me; but, I realize only too well how much of a rollercoaster ride this is.

Which brings me to your statement:

Sucks to realize that. I have to learn to feel. I know this thing called recovery takes a long time and still, I want it over yesterday. When, generally, do the feelings become more manageable and not so raw? When, generally, has the coaster reached it's final hill and arrived safely back at the beginning (in your experience)?

After 2 years you will have clarity about yourself,your marriage, and your husband.

Until then, it's just one "lesson" after another. It is a spiritual journey in my experience. Very demanding of both partners. My husband "led" the recovery after the first year .... he was also introduced to AA just after D-Day, and he grew exponentially ... In fact, I freely admit, I was angry that my H felt happier and more in tune with himself before I did .... "whaaaaawhaaaa NO FAIR"

that's what I mean about the spiritual journey ... you will explore depths of your soul you did not even know exists .... and you may discover the shallow areas of yourself along the way ( like I did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

Then, Pep, in some sick twisted way my Hs having had the A will, in the looooooong run, improve ourselves and our marriage. (Do I go so far as to call it a "blessing in disguise"?) Because, I believe, we would've have idled along in our marriage as it was forever without this "thump" on the head he forced us to have. Ugh!

{{{{{hugs}}}}

Thanks so much, Pep, for your insight. I look forward to "conversing" in the future!