Hi all,

[Note: I first posted this on the "Just Found Out" forum but was redirected here by Mr Wondering. I am reposting this and will repost his reply here afterwards.]

I am a recently Betrayed Husband (BH?) and am finding it difficult to know exactly how to deal with a separation request.

Firstly, though, I want to thank everyone for this site - I have read much of the main site and columns now and plan to get some of the books. It has helped me to keep a perspective on things and is one of the reasons I still have hope for my marriage.

Also, sorry in advance for the length of this...

Background

I have been happily married for nearly 12 years and have 2 children, 8 and 6. My wife has always said she is happy (apart from what I consider normal, occasional low spots). We have always had a good relationship where we could discuss things openly, though I am not very openly emotional and tend to bottle things up inside (until they explode).

As an example, about 3 years ago, my wife found herself attracted to another man and she immediately told me so that we could be open about it and prevent it from going further. We re-affirmed our love and our marriage grew stronger. In hindsight, that should probably have been a serious wake up call to me, but I trusted what she told me about loving me wholeheartedly.

About May 2005 she was finding our marriage tough. She has since told me that she was questioning the whole basis and foundation of our marriage. This seems partly to be because many of our friends marriages were having problems, including near affairs, affairs, divorces, etc., and these no doubt contributed to her worrying about our relationship. She is also a part time counsellor, and no doubt sees difficulties in the people she counsels.

In addition, our church broke apart 2 years ago and while we've been going to a group with our kids, there's been little emotional or spiritual support available. As a result, she's largely lost faith in God.

In June, a new conductor arrived at her choir (she is a committee member on it). One of her issues with me is that I don't like classical music as much as her. As a result, I don't go to her choir and look after the kids instead. He is a musician, conductor, and composer. There was obviously an instant attraction between them (she is one of the youngest and nicest looking choir members so would also have looked v. attractive to him, a 52 y/o divorcee with a failed marriage because of an affair - his).

Nothing happened immediately, but the attraction of this man and her unhappy feelings in our marriage may have created a cycle whereby she found more to blame in our marriage while becoming more and more attracted to him.

I have some blame for this, as we have been doing a lot of things apart for some time, and while I considered we were still doing enough things together (occasional meals out, nights in watching TV and talking, etc) there was a lot of time spent apart - she would talk on the telephone for hours and I would use the PC or watch TV. Our kids go to bed at about 8, but we do not have much peace as they often only go to sleep between 10 and 11pm, so possibly evenings are not "quality" time.

Issues Arising

I did not find out about her difficulties until October, when she told me she was depressed and was not sure she wanted our marriage to continue. This was a bolt out of the blue for me, as I thought were fine and were beginning to enjoy various aspects of life again (now that the kids are a little older). She did not tell me about feelings for OM at that time - and I believe their relationship was only just beginning.

My wife had decided to go to counselling, and went to a counsellor for some weeks (up to Christmas) but I now understand that she did not tell the counsellor about OM and got no input on that front. From what I can tell (from WW) the counsellor appears to have gotten no further than getting her to express her (mostly dark) feelings for me, without helping her to form a plan for changing or improving them, etc.

Once she told me about the concerns she had about our relationship (in October and since) I continually expressed love and support and concern and a willingness to change / rebuild / recreate our relationship. Despite this, she has become more distant saying that "she needs to sort herself out" and "it wasn't my problem to resolve". I now believe this was largely because of the presence of OM.

Indeed, telling me about the problems she had with our marriage appears to have somehow released her to grow the relationship with OM, and she ended up seeing him more, communicating more, and sleeping with him in December.

About 15 Dec I found a huge mobile phone bill. I started having suspicions as the calls were not to her friends (as I had expected) but to a strange number (which I discovered was his from an innocent email about choir things on our PC).

On 24 Dec, a number of other things had become plain, and I got a close friend to come over and confronted her with the evidence. She admitted being "too close" to this person, and was unrepentent of that. She did not admit to anything physical.

On 1 Jan she told me that she wanted to separate for a while "in order to sort out her feelings for me". She also admitted (following the prompting of a friend) the physical relationship and that it had started early-mid December. I obviously felt sick and upset, but fortunately I had already read some of this site. As a result, I did not shout and rage (which is what I felt like doing). I calmly (though tearfully) told her that I still loved her very much and I wanted to make our marriage work.

The Separation Issue

She tells me she is desperate and needs a trial separation to have space, and says she knows that she cannot do it without my support. I have said that I will probably accept it in order to show love for her, even though I don't believe it is the right approach.

I am frightened that allowing the separation gives her space (and potentially the license) to follow her A with OM. I have carefully expressed this fear to her and asked if she would consider agreeing not to see him while she has the separation, in order to gain clarity of mind w.r.t. me. She would not agree to this, but did say she was not making plans to "rush into" a deeper relationship with him while separated. I find this difficult to accept, given that she will not agree not to see him.

I have started my own counselling (today) and have also got some very supportive friends. WW has agreed to go to joint counselling, but stated again that it might be pointless and that she's not sure she wants to save our marriage. She states that I am set in my ways, do not meet her needs, and will not and can not ever do so.

One of my questions is, if she leaves for a separation, how can I work on Plan A and attempt to meet the needs I've been missing so far / recently?

Another question is, does anyone have any experience of separation in this kind of circumstance, and whether it may be a positive or negative thing to do? I believe she will be angry with me if I do not agree to it on her terms (i.e. it will become a potential Love Buster).

Anyway, I would truly appreciate answers to these questions, or any insights you people may have.

Thanks
DRD

Mr Wondering replied to my post on the other board saying



Thanks Mr W.

I will read the other thread you mentioned. To answer your comments / questions...

My WW is desperate and wants a separation, but a short term one and not a "legal" one at this stage. For info, we are in the UK.

She accepts that she should move out and that the kids stay in the house with me, but because of work commitments it is easier for her to do childcare in the week - schools etc.

She is proposing that she finds somewhere very close and comes to get kids up and take them to school in morning, then collects and looks after them in our house in evening. She will then leave sometime after I get home (possibly immediately, possibly after some time).

She has agreed to "go out" with me some evenings, but wants to have some weekends in the house with the kids while I am out (not necessarily with me at the place she has found - perhaps me going to a friend or my parents). I'm not sure I agree with this, but it does sound possible.

She has talked about stopping seeing the OM but can't bring herself to do so.

She is not yet "exposed" in the choir (it's not linked to a church) and would be very uncomfortable if I did so (despite me wanting to regarding the OM). Doing so could be a serious love buster at this point as she loved the choir even before he was there.

A number of people from our circle of friends and family do now know. They are largely trying to be loving to her and supportive of her personally while saying they think she should stay. Some of her friends are not, and of course she prefers them as they "don't judge".

I threatened to expose the affair in the choir (he has compromised his position professionally) and she said that if I did that he might lose the position but that she would leave me and take the children with her.

Anyway, I'll post more some other day when I've read the other thread - it's 10:30pm in the UK and WW will be coming home soon. I'd like to be able to present a welcoming front and try to show her love, even though she's been to the choir where the OM is the conductor.

Thanks
DRD

Whenever WS's want to separate, to "find themselves", or "have space", it really means they need the time and opportunity to work on the affair. I stongly advise that you tell her that you don't do separation, you only do marriage building.

What Believer is also saying above is that if you steadfastly want to save your marriage...going along with her separation plans is not a good idea.

Part of your WW fantasy is that she can just move on with OM, probably get divorced, share custody of the kids, be friends with you and your family and everyone just gets along.

I this your fantasy. Is it your kids. You've read the site and know by now the reprecussion that infidelity and divorce have on children. Your kids want and need you both at the dinner table everynight.

Thus if you want to fight for your marriage you will not go merrily along with any separation plan. You do marriage...lawyers do divorce/separation. You stop considering everytime you resist the affair and set boundaries for yourself that they are Love Buster's on her. Enabling is a marriage buster forget the love. Read up on love busters. Review my link below about the carrot and stick of plan A. Start or continue a journal to use in court later if you have to. Do as much for your kids as humanly possible as getting custody of them and protecting them from exposure to your wife immoral behavior and exposure to OM is paramount. Gather evidence to prepare should it go to court, etc.

ON THE OTHER HAND, if under U.K. law your wife can throw you out because the courts there don't care if she is having an affair and always just displace the man AND your wife is willing to come to an agreement very favorable to you AND YOU JUST CAN'T STAND FIGHTING ANYMORE AND NEED TO PROTECT THE REMAINING LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOU WIFE then maybe separation would be OK. I don't advise this and it is not according to MB principles but this is your life and I will respect your decision. (read MYWIFEILOVE's thread - He just separated and signed an agreement). In this case you may be considering Plan B shortly after her exit.


In either case, you are in Plan A now. Though it involves sometimes being a doormat, it really is the only way to attrack your wife back to the marriage and you. She must see, test and then internalize that you have in fact changed into a better man. You do this really for yourself as you try to become the man/husband you always wished you could be while expecting next to nothing from WW. The better your Plan A efforts despite what WW does the better your Plan B will be once implemented. By the way, Plan A rarely works by itself. Be ready for a long battle.

As far as analyzing your marriage. Your marital problems all arose contemporaneously with her affair. It is classic wayward history revisions. Pile on a bunch of rationalization and justifications and she's got herself into one heck of a fantasy relationship. It's not real and won't last. Most affairs die a natural death with 2 years according to Dr. Harley...but if you utilize affair busting techniques you can speed up that process considerably.

I'll be around,

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

P.S. - There is an English poster by the name of "BobPure." as in pure Bob Mould (I think that's how he said it got the name). His recovery story is long and dramatic...another good read for ya'.

DRD

Mr W asked me to drop in.

Sadly for you ( happily for me!) I have no knowledge of UK seperation law. I did absolutley NOTHING to help her leave, and did everything to attract her to stay. And she did.

I know this though - WS want seperation so they can bang OP without having to look in your eyes and lie every day.

I've never seen seperation remain chaste OR help recovery.

All blessings.

DRD,

If you really want to save your M, you don’t agree to a separation with your WW. All she wants is a license to go screw OM with impunity. Although, she will do what she wants, you should not enable her in any way. That is not Plan A. In fact, part of Plan A is to partially make WW feel the consequences of her actions by exposing the A. Thus, you need to expose the A to her parents and your pastor ASAP. You need to do this if you really want a chance of saving your M.

Best

Thanks to the responders.

I have spent a fair bit of time today reading past posts by various people as suggested here, and the idea of separation is growing more unpalateable the more I read.

It does seem likely to me that she will use the opportunity to work on the affair. I asked her if she would agree not to see OM while separated, to give her a chance to think clearly, and she would not agree. I think this speaks volumes about what she expects to happen.

She certainly does, as Mr Wondering suggests, believe "she can ... probably get divorced, share custody of the kids, be friends with you and your family and everyone just gets along".

I am also finding it harder to accept her request not to damage the choir by exposing the OM to them as an adulterer (it contains 80 members who are not party to this). She told me she would leave me (and take the children) if I did this, but I am growing more convinced that this is the addiction speaking.

I just find the whole thing so overwhelming. I only heard for certain that it was a Physical Affair (PA) on Sunday 1/1/06, and at the same time she told me she wanted to separate. It's just so fast, I find it difficult to respond (though of course I knew there were some issues with the marriage since October, and have been doing my best to show her my love since then).

The problem is, that by the time she told me there were issues, she had already decided not to accept love or change from me. This is, I believe, partially a reflection of the beliefs of her closest friend, who has been having marital difficulties for the past 2 years. This woman's view is that anything her husband does is only being done temporarily in order to try to persuade her to stay, and therefore it doesn't count as "real" action. The husband is a close friend of mine, so this really has hit home.

Anyway, I will continue reading.

Thanks for your help
DRD

DRD,

For the most part everything your W is doing is "by the book". I can assure you that if you expose to the choir you are going to hear and see behavior suitable for a raving maniac. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But, that is normal as well. The OM will very likely NOT like the heat and he may even lose his position. Your W's continued participation in the Choir is likely to be more her choice than anyone else.

But, she has already made choices to : cheat on you, lie to you, risk breaking up your family, and leave you. I don't know the laws in the UK about custody and such, I do hope they are more civilized that they are here in the US. But, exposure bursts the balloon and secrecy of the affair, and a lot of the lustre is lost.

It will be your call but it is strongly recommended by the founder of this site, and has been shown to be effective by many posters here. But, one thing it is NOT is pleasant for all concerned including you.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this to you but the basic philosophy of this site is based on the primis that most affairs end, few lead to long term relationships, and even fewer to successful marriages. Therefore, most divorces can be avoided if the BS (betrayed spouse) is willing to wait out the affair, or bring to the affair pressure from outside sources thus hastening the demise of the affair. While the affair is on, there is little you can do but plant seeds of hope for a better marriage in the future.

When you realize these things thing plan a and plan b make perfect sense. Plan A plants the seeds of hope by trying to meet the WS (wayward spouses ) needs, it offers hope because the BS has indicated a willingness to work on the marriage and even examine his/her behavior in order to make it better, AND in plan a exposure takes place. All of this happens for the purpose of pressurizing the affair, and planting seeds.

Often plan A does not end the affair, so plan B is executed to preserve YOUR love for your spouse. If you lose that, then you will NOT have what it takes to recover the marriage because that is hard going. It protects your love, it is NOT to be done to punish, although often when the OP (other person) has to meet ALL of the WS spouses needs, they begin to draw down on the "love bank" while you are not.

So the logic is there, the data is there, and yes it does not always work. The idea is to increase the odds of recovery of your marriage and rebuilding your marriage into something you and your spouse want.

Believe it, this stuff is NOT for wimps. It is hard to do, and hard to deal with.

I am sure more will post to you, but I hope some of the things we say will be of assistance to you.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JustLearning,

For clarity, there are a few positive signs...

[*] She has agreed to come to joint counselling with me next Tuesday.
[*] She told my Mum about the A herself. My Mum was loving without accepting it was right, which my W was v surprised about. She expected a Christian lecture.
[*] She told my Mum that she had tried to stop contact with him twice (lots of calls and text messages, over 100 in December). However, each time she could not manage it and contacted him again the same day.
[*] She told me (on me asking this evening because she has just got a UTI, which is sometimes an indicator of sex) that she hasn't slept with him in January (though I'm fairly sure she's seen him physically). I believed her (despite the A and secrecy, she appears generally truthful when I ask direct questions).

I think she knows in her heart that the A is wrong and cannot lead anywhere, but in her present depressed state (and in unhappiness with me and our relationship) considers that staying in the marriage is not right for her.

She said to me yesterday that perhaps she is incapable of keeping any long term relationships, and evidenced this with a few pre-marriage boyfriends (non sexual, we were both virgins when married). This is plain wrong, as a diary entry I saw dated late last year indicates - it said that while we had been married over 10 years and others were having marital problems, we were still very happy and that she "couldn't imagine not loving me". 10 years is a "long-term" relationship IMO!

What I don't want to do is ruin any chance of her ending the affair of her own volition and without the world and its wife knowing. On the other hand, maybe I'm just being overly optimistic and should do the full exposure bit to try to speed the process. The danger is that it backfires and she does leave permanently as a result.

I have read a number of the main posts relating to Plan A and B now, and I do understand this. I guess the question is whether:
[*] I have done enough exposing for Plan A to work... Our main circle of christian friends know. My family know. Her family know there's another man, but not about the PA side. A couple of other key figures also know (a local pastor who we know and WS respects and the counsellor who is meeting us on Tuesday). However, the choir does not know and most others also don't.
[*] The separation is going to happen or not... Which depends on me agreeing to it (at least in part). However, she has enough funds of her own to find and pay for a place even if I do not formally agree. If I refuse to go along with it now, she may do so anyway while being even more pissed off with me for not agreeing.
[*] She can agree to and stick with a plan not to see or contact OM... And even if she does, if she does not give up choir then will that make it impossible for her to truly be considered non-contact.

It's a very difficult place and I wish someone could simply tell me the right thing to do! However, I know it is ultimately for me to do.

Anyway, please keep the comments coming.

Cheers,
DRD

DRD,

Well, one thing that is FOR SURE and the right thing to do is that either she or the OM needs to leave the choir. Further, while she indicates that she might suspect this is wrong on an intellectual level, she does not recognize it on an emotional level. Usually, pain of some sort is required. IT could be of losing you and child, or it could be losing OM.

If she is depressed she needs to address that, and OM is not going to help. You are right you cannot stop her from leaving, but you should stop her from taking your child.

Plan A is about exposure and you have done well. Exposing in a wider and wider circle seems to be best because you are right, exposing more means more hurdles, but not exposing could mean the end of your marriage for sure.

It is a hard call sometimes, but if contact does not end, the affair will continue at least another 6 months or more. Can you take that, can your family survive that? And even there there will be little to guarentee that the marriage will survive as you WILL love for your W, and when it is gone, so will the marriage be gone.

You see it is not just about her, it is about you. If you allow it to drag on too long, even if she decides to come back you will not want her. So you see the fine line that is being walked by both of you.

The choir is the obvious target of exposure, but I would perhaps wait a bit to see what happens. Here is something else you might do, and that is talk with all that know, telling them that you want to save this marriage and any help they can give would be appreciated. You never know one of them just might decide that a choir does not need a director who is sleeping with a married woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Plan A for as long as you can, but be ready to go to plan B. You have only been at this for less than a month, so when you can do the best plan A you can, it will make plan B more effective.

I am sure will post more, and do read Bob Pure's threads. He has a lot of good advice and plenty of experience unfortunately. Hang in there OK?

God Bless,

JL

More to the point, people in affairs will change their belief systems to justify the affair. In fact, I believe Dr. H says that eventually not only will they justify the affair, but they will convince themselves the affair is the RIGHT thing to do." Amazing, isn't it?

Unfortunately, pain is the only thing that causes them to back track. The pain of losing friends, of being shamed, of having family members know, and, of course, of losing their children.

Thanks again JL and JE.

I hear what both of you are saying.

Certainly she justifies the A on on emotional grounds and lives in unreality over what the final outcome can be (i.e. that we will be able to live close to each other, share childcare after a divorce, have no acrimony, cause no pain to the kids, etc).

The problem is, it's all unreal. As people here say, it's alien speak.

The question is, how to cure the unreality? If by exposure, then how?

I wondered about confronting him. Telling him first that I love my wife, and was going to fight for my marriage. Second, that if he did not stop the affiar immediately I would expose him in all his 3 workplaces (conducts 2 choirs and is the musical director of an anglican church).

If he does not comply, then I proceed with exposure.

The problem is, it might just make it go underground again.

In any case, telling the vicar of the church could be quite powerful, I thought.

I don't know if he has any actual religious belief, though, even though he directs choirs and church music.

Anyway, please keep comments coming. I am lapping up the other good stuff from the site too, inc Bob's posts. Fortunately my business partner is very understanding of the time I've spent doing this at work!

Cheers,
DRD

DRD,

You might want to talk to him about you fighting for your W, but I doubt it will make much difference to him or he would not be doing it. I WOULD NOT threaten him with disclosure. Just do it when you are ready and that should be soon.

Your W will go ballistic, he will be mad, but he may also be leaving for a new set of jobs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nothing you say or do will make your W happy or change a thing she is doing. You must realize this was her choice and it really had less to do with you than her. SHe will defend this choice so attacting it in conversation is really useless. What you want to do is slip under her defenses, and often the defenses weaken when they have other problems.

Or as the saying goes "It is hard to remember to drain the pond when you are A$$ deep in alligators." Telling the choirs and the church about OM, will turn lose the alligators. SHe will fight for him, she will be mad at you, she will cause all sorts of problems, but she will also start to worry about a whole host of things she has ignored, and then her defenses will come down.

Plan A with exposure, and then once the seeds are planted and if the A is ongoing, it is off to plan B.

God Bless,

JL

Why threaten exposure when you likely have to do it eventually anyway? They'll need to be separated eventually and getting OM fired would enable your wife to stay on the choir, if she chooses. The threat of exposure is implied. If you know you won't get violent then confronting OM can be undertaken...your call. Sometimes it helps...sometimes it backfires...but I think many regret not doing it later. You also don't know how bad your WW has made you out to be to OM...just maybe you'll unravel some of the bs she's fed him and he'll back off interferring in your marriage. Unlikely, but possible.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

With respect, you have this totally wrong. The purpose of exposure is to end the affair. That means on your side, you tell ANYONE who can influence your wife to end the affair - parents, friends etc.

You also must expose the OM to your church pastor - he is the choir director after all. You have to expose to get those 2 "love birds" apart.

If he does not comply????? Forget that, just expose. Get the slimy piece of .... out of your life and away from your wife forever.

Exposure is your most powerful weapon to end the affair. Then you can start on rebuilding your marriage. Without the affair ended you have no hope of that. Oh, and if OM has a wife/girlfriend parents etc, expose to them too.

In my case, exposure killed the affair stone cold dead within a week. We started doing really well once we found this site and withdrawal ended for my wife.

Thanks again those who have responded.

Bigk, I would note in particular that the 2 choirs are not affiliated to the church where he is Musical Director. This is one thing that makes it more complicated. Neither am I a member at any of them (he has travelled out of his immediate geographical area to conduct for my wife's choir).

As a result, exposure in one location does not necessarily mean exposure in another.

Also, these three positions are his livelihood, so the threat of exposure and the possible loss of income may be a big incentive. Basically, I threaten the failure of all three but ask for him only to withdraw from one (my wifes).

As another point, as far as I know he is a divorcee already and has no dependents, so there are very few people who I can expose him to who would be able to influence him other than his work positions.

What I was thinking was, that since my W loves her choir so much (and did so well before the OM became Conductor) it would be kind for me to leave the choir option open to her.

This was the point that by threatening him with exposure in all three, and then (if he does not comply) starting to expose him in one (the church) he sees that I mean what I say and may be forced to withdraw from her choir without all her choir knowing (which is something I would like to protect my wife from if possible).

What I would like, ideally, is for him to start and apply no contact because he is afraid of the consequences for him.

However, if I expose him (and he either gets sacked from all three, or not) then he has nothing more to lose by continuing to pursue my wife openly.

Does this make any sense?

Cheers,

Update:

I spoke to one of her girl friends today, who told me that my WW knows inside (and has said) that she should be stopping this A and the Relationship. She just can't bring herself to do so. I said how much I loved her, that I would fight to keep her, that I was willing to be what she needed to be.

She told W we had talked, and W was really upset! Felt betrayed that I had talked to her friend and that the friend had talked to me.

Unfortunately, said friend is positive to W having a separation, as she believes it will make W miss me.

Partly as a result, W is still dead set on separation and has found a local flat at a cheap rent. She does not need me to pay for it and is pressing ahead.

On the positive side, she has agreed not to see or contact the OM... outside of the choir.

This is great news, but unfortunately she is still refusing to leave the choir or insist that he do so.

It's a step in the right direction though.

Practically, she says she will live there while coming back to the house to get the kids to school in the morning and picking them up in the evening.

One suggestion from her same friend is that I should be the one moving out, for no other reason than it means she has to look after the kids and stay at home without me, which will make it more difficult for her to see / meet the OM should she lapse in her current resolve.

Does anyone have any experience one way or the other as to the best option? Would I be putting myself in a bad position (in respect to my relationship with the children, for example) if I were the one moving out?

Thanks

DO NOT MOVE OUT.....P E R I O D

Why make it easy for WW to just carry on the affair in your house...in your bed. She is going to carry it on despite ANYTHING she says. G U A R A N T E E D.

As far as her friend supporting her decision to separate....nodding your head is not an affirmative statement that she should separate. What friend in their right mind would ever say "yeah, separation is what I recommend for saving your marriage". Give me a break.

Stop negotiating a separation too. You do marriage. If she's going to walk out she does it on her own without "support" from you.

Mr. Wondering

Nope. That isn't on the positive side at all. Sorry. Wayward spouses lie. Her saying she won't see him outside choir is a lie.

It's not great news and it's not a step in the right direction.

If you want your marriage to have a chance you must end the affair. Separation won't end the affair. Your wife's statements she won't see him won't end the affair.

Exposure is your best chance of ending the affair. Your wife and OM need to see how sleazy they look in the eyes of people they respect.

Exposure will kill the affair quicker than anything.

My wife's affair was dead within a week of exposure. Simple.

Yes Big

Furthermore, more likely than not....your best opportunity to bust up the affair is by getting OM to dump your wife like a hot potato. Exposure is the ONLY thing YOU can DO to precipitate that. Remember...doing nothing, nothing changes.

Your wifes anger your marriage will survive. Her ever deeping affair it will not. I know it's a tough pill to swallow. Heck, I lurked and did it my way and failed to expose. I got lucky. My wife exposed herself to her parents and OM bailed shortly thereafter. Sure there are benefits to the fact I didn't tell the world, however, I regret not exposing and ending things sooner. I could have saved myself a lot of misery.

It is one of those things. If you don't do it, you'll be back here eventually saying "I wish I'd had the courage to listen to you guys and expose earlier". You would not be the first to ignore the advice here and do it your way. Ultimately, its your life. But know that you'll regret it eventually. The courage is found in the doing. So just do it. Your wife will come down hard on you...you'll second guess yourself like crazy...but this too shall pass. This whole thing is a process. A process of marital reconciliation and/or personal recovery. You can't get to next step (unless blind luck intervenes) until you pass each step.

I know you're technical. Thus, I now you can read and understand the concepts; but, unfortunately, you can not test it prior to implementation. Take my word for it, MB is the best KNOWN program for marital recovery. It has been tested over and over again on situations which all completely parallel yours. You must rely on faith.

Good luck, Mr. Wondering