Thanks again Mr W and Big.
Strangely enough, I do trust my wife when she says that she isn't contacting him outside of choir at present (only since Friday). She has looked me in the eye and told me so, and the evidence also suggests this is at least partly true (though I cannot confirm everything she does and/or watch her 24 hrs).
Nevertheless, I recognise that his presence at the choir at the same time as my wife will be a pressure point which could serve to make the affair restart if I do nothing about it. My aim, therefore is to see one of them leave it such that there is no contact at all.
I am trying to get the bull by the horns to decide the right way to go about this. However, I believe there is a real danger that, given the way my wife feels at preset (fragile, disliking me and our relationship, having been exposed to most of our friends and family, and still pushing for a separation) me exposing her directly in her choir might push her to leave me permanently.
I believe that she knows, inside, that she should leave the choir so as to never see him again, but given that it's only 2 weeks since she told me, she is still trying to live in an unreal state that she can continue attending. I wonder if I should take a couple more weeks to try to persuade her of the error of this without exposing further, as I would ideally like her to take the decision never to see him again herself. I know that she feels personal obligations to the choir - she loves it and is its treasurer. Nevertheless, I know that my marriage is ultimately more important than the choir.
I am a Christian and if I am going to expose, I was thinking that I might do it as following:
[*]Visit OM, tell him he is breaking up our marriage, and ask him to repent and to leave my wife's choir of his own volition. I realise this has a virtually nil chance of working, but think it may be the honourable thing to do, despite his lack of honour to me and my marriage.
[*]If he refuses, tell him that I am going to fight for the marriage by exposing him widely. See if this changes his mind about leaving my wife's choir.
[*]If not, go directly to the vicar of the church where he is Musical Director. Try to enlist the vicar's help to persuade OM to leave my wife's choir. If the vicar was willing, for example, he could ask OM to either leave my wife alone and leave her choir under threat that his post as Musical Director would be dropped.
[*]If this doesn't work (e.g. that the vicar is unwilling to act as persuader) then I will stand up in the congregation of that church and announce it to all present during a normal sunday service.
[*]Inform the committee of his other choir of the situation and ask for their help. Hope for similar response to the vicar above.
[*]If all else fails to remove him from my wife's choir, expose both of them to the committee and members of that choir.
This way, I continually give him a chance to decide to leave my wife alone and never contact her, while seeking to protect my wife in our local community (the choir is very local).
NB - I have already offered to go to choir with my wife. I believe that, if OM was not conducting it, she would be willing to have me along with her. She is, of course, completely opposed to me attending at present!
Thanks again for any more suggestions.
