Well WH and I have been getting along very well. We have been spending a lot of time together as a family for DS sports, spent most of this past weekend together. We have talked about him returning but sort of in a roundabout way. We were talking about it again tonight and I needed to make sure it wasn't just me doing the talking. I came right out and directly asked: Do YOU want to come home? And he said yes, if you can put up with me. I said, whoaa, I'm not "putting up" with anything. This forgiveness is a one-shot deal, twice is a deal breaker. He said Yes, no sh _t, I understand that. He says I was right, he made a huge mistake.

Called and talked to his friend's wife who he has been talking to. She said he has been thinking about coming back for a few MONTHS now. She said she kept telling him, make sure this is what you want, don't go home and leave again and put them through he11. He said this is what he wants. I also inquired of said friend, I hope it is not just the house, the lifestyle, etc. that he is missing. She said no, he misses me and DS. She asked him that specifically.

DS will sleep over a friend's house this Sat. and WH and I will have our "talk". I am very scared! Isn't that bizarre? I wonder why?

Anyhow, advice on how to proceed from here welcomed.

Here is the link to my story:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=0&fpart=12

Shattered,

I am so happy for you.... I have tears rolling now just thinking of how you must be feeling.

I know it will not be an easy road but it will be well worth it when recovery is done.

I pray you have the marriage you have always wanted....

I have no advice thats for sure because I have not walked down this road but I have pleanty of prayers for you and your family...

Good Luck and God Bless...

Hurting


I wish someday to walk down this same road......

Thanks Hurting. It's funny I was just posting on your thread to give you hope.

I too hope to have a better marriage but I'm scared as well. I'll keep you posted!

Shattered, I don't want to disappoint you but be prepared for him to do lots of vacillating until he withdraws. I don't think he is done with this OW and you have to consider what it would be like if he moved home now and continued to see her. That would be a fate worse than death.

So, I would make darn sure before you allow him to move home that he is really done with this affair. For example, is he willing to sever ALL contact with a no contact letter? That is the LEAST he can do. What is he willing to do to repair the damage and restore the trust he breached?

I would be prepared to ask him those questions on Saturday and to not to commit to anything until he moves out and gives her the letter. TALK IS CHEAP with a WS, only ACTION counts. Perhaps even stays in a hotel in the interim when contact is finally ended maybe? I don't know exactly how that should proceed, but I would implore you to use the greatest caution.

Maybe even consider calling Steve HArley and asking him to speak to your husband and give you a plan of recovery?

I am sorry to be a wet blanket!! Please understand I just don't want you to get hurt.

Shattered. WOW! thats great news but...proceed with caution. ML gave excellent advice. Take it slow. Make sure NC is in place. He NEEDS to EARN his way back home just because you have been getting along and he has been nice lately doesn't mean he can move back in. If its not real and he leaves again.That is devasting. My WH came home too soon and nearly 1 year later we are NO where near recovery, I believe he is still in contact.

Please take it slow. How about MC?

But it is still GREAT news!

Mel, I do understand. Maybe that is why I am scared. I think contacting Steve would be an excellent idea. As you know, I have been here trying to learn but he is unaware of any of this stuff. I'm sure he plans on giving her the old "let's be friends" speech and has no idea I'm about to put the kabash on that.

Actually, I have a question about that. When you break up with somebody, it is usually easier to turn tail and run, just like most WS's do. Nobody wants to hurt someone and then see them all the time. ILYBINILWY followed by a flash of their rear out the door as fast as they can. Why is it different when BS's are leaving the affairee? Isn't it easier for them to never have to face this person again?

I agree with Melody. There needs to be a plan in place. He needs to write OW a no contact letter. He needs to be accountable for all of his time, be willing to give you his passwords, have a plan in place if she tries to contact him.

I would also ask for whatever details of the affair that you need.

This is just for starters. Next, I think you need to both read the MB stuff on POJA and marriage, to insure that you continue on to a much better marriage.

The stuff you have been through up to now is child's play compared to working on recovery.

Confused, What do you mean by too soon? What would you have done differently?

An excellent idea...

What are your "conditions" for him coming home - we had Rules of Protection with the Harleys about independent behavior, money, angry outbursts,...

Counseling

Quit job/ no contact with OW EVER for ANY REASON

Open email accounts, passwords, cell phones & records, spending...

Spent all free time together, did lunch everyday -- while he was on unemployment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Radical honesty, talked about the A a lot at first

NC is of the utmost utmost importance; and you need to be able to ensure NC is happening by basically being completely accountable to each other. It's a two-way street; he's not a parolee, it's all about building trust & being honest - mutuality.

You probably already know all this from MB, but this is what we went thru - I severely underestimated the importance of NC. There are some great withdrawal threads around too that will help you both. Sometimes when the WS realizes the depth of the A fantasy/unreality there isn't that much withdrawal. We can hope!

[color:"blue"] CONGRATULATIONS [/color] though, it is wonderful news, but proceed cautiously, making sure he isn't defensive or hostile. This can't all be on "his terms"... where he decides "who he can have as a 'friend'" and what you need to know and don't have a right to know...

COUNSELING thru this period is also very important; it's still a bit of a roller coaster the first year or two...

MSA

Crap. I thought I was getting close to the good stuff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Shattered, this is great news and I am sooooo happy for you. YOu see you are a great catch and you WH is figuring that out.

Just be careful like Mel says and expect him to change his mind again. Just protect yourself ok and have a plan that you expect your WH to follow.

Mrs. Stowaway,
Thank you. I have always had a hard time establishing boundaries and tend to put other's needs before mine. I have to harden myself to demand these things. He has a lot of learning to do, as I still do, but this is going to be all new stuff for him. He knew I read a lot and visited a website but that is about all.

Thanks for your input.

This is wonderful news! Congratulations, it sounds like a dream come true.

Like everyone says, baby steps are in order, but there's nothing wrong with that. Better to take baby steps and get it right, yeah? Good luck. You're both in my prayers.

Thank you Hope. Your day will come too.


Change his mind again?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Thank you RT. I'm entering new territory here so I'm going to count on my MB friends to guide my way!

In my experience, I would take recovery ANY day over D-Day and aftermath! BUT PLEASE REMEMBER, this is your chance to lay down your boundaries.

I think it was Dobson that pointed out that your power/ability to control the outcome/ place demands is NEVER GREATER than it is at THIS MOMENT.

Once he comes home, whatever rules have been established are harder to renegotiate.

I think it's important for you to be his soft place to fall during his withdrawal; BUT the conditions need to be right. My WH (FWH) came home on a plane after a midnight whirlwind from a cruise in the Bahamas with OW that OPENED HIS EYES. And despite the crazyness (we got married 'in a fever' too as Johnny Cash says...) it would have worked if he had done NC the first time around I think.

Your H needs to be remorseful; repentant... where oh where is that post from Donald Harvey about the "conditions"??? Believer? Did you post that from "When the One You Love Wants to Leave?"

I think recovery's great, but it's got to be done right - I do hope you talk to the Harleys. We counseled with Jennifer and thought she was great - she moved us from divorce-filing to moving back in together and doing all the recovery tools very quickly. VERY QUICKLY; too quickly I felt at first - but why drag it out?

BEST OF LUCK!!!
MSA

Found it...

WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE WANTS TO LEAVE by Donald R. Harvey.

There's a chapter near the end about spouses who want to come home with lists of appropriate reasons to return, and inappropriate reasons that I think is right on target. It is written with the WS being a WH, so swap the pronouns/genders for your sitch.

Appropriate/right reasons:
-Definite resolution of the motivation that prompted the departure in the first place.

-A genuine desire to work on the problems in the relationship (this includes those problems created by the separation).

-A genuine remorse for the pain caused by the separation and a recognition of the need for forgiveness.

-A genuine acceptance of the personal role played (contribution) in the deterioration of the marital relationship.

-In the case of repetitive irresponsibility, demonstrated behavioral change over time.

Inappropriate/wrong reasons:
-Personal loneliness yet having no real desire to be with the rejected wife.

-Purely logistical considerations such as needing a place to stay, financial strain, or personal convenience and comfort.

-Not attaining whatever it was that motivated him to leave in the first place, yet also failing to resolve it (still has the "pull" to the other woman or the "push" of feeling trapped in the marriage).

-Wanting to come back for any reason, yet being unwilling to deal with the relationship. "I'll come back if we can pretend it never happened (avoidance). We can just pick up where we left off."

-Any reason that does not include acceptance of at least part of the responsibility for the marital failure and recognition of the need for forgiveness as opposed to blaming.

He looked my children in the eye and through many tears and pleas for him not to leave he went anyway. He was gone one night. and said "What the he!! am I doing I want to be with my family." The next day he wanted to come home I said "NO!" He called and called and showed up back home...I wouldn't let him stay. He kept coming back everyday. (I wasn't in plan B) Finally he pleaded and cried that he loved me, he missed me, it killed him to not be here. He admited EA turned "somewhat" physical, promised he would never see her again. Agreed to NC letter and MC. I let him come home less than 1 week. He never did the no contact letter, refused MC and a month later was IM'ing her. So we have STILL not worked on our M or addressed issues and he is now refusing to leave. Check my thread for more details.

What I would do different?...1st of all NC letter, great indicator if he is really willing to end contact, he writes it gives it to you to mail...he is handing the power to you. Little piece of paper big statement of intent.

2nd Let him go through withdrawl and feel pain of A

3rd MC to address issues and earn trust BEFORE he returns home.

4th date and reconnect...re-establish the "couple" before coming home to family.

We fill the roles of Mom and Dad so well...its the HUSBAND/wife that need work.

The first time WH came home THAT DAY. Mistake probably, although like I said, if he'd done NC it might have worked.

The 2nd time (relapse)
Feb 9 - I filed for D
Feb 10 - WH started posting on MB
Feb 15? - NC w/ OW on his own (we were separated, I didn't care anymore)
Feb. 28 - had coffee with him, he showed me the NC letter; I was still lukewarm about it but mailed it for him

early March - started counseling w/ Jennifer Chalmers thru MB; she wanted us "joined at the hip" after talking to us; I wasn't ready for him to move home yet

He would come at 5pm when I was off work, be with me and DD's and leave at midnight (he was living w/ his sister and her H)

We did that for almost a month, more time on weekends

By first week of April he moved home because I was ready for it.

My point being that I agree; take it slowly, one step at a time - no need to rush. He's done his thing for this long, now it's your turn to approach recovery in a way you can trust.

MSA