WH was just here and he confuses the heck out of me. He seems sincere in his intentions to move home. I told him we were going away for the weekend and he said why didn't you wait. In other words, wait till I come home and we can all go. I told him "It's my birthday!" DS and I both said I wish you could come. Later he was getting teary and said he can't wait to be back home. We sat on the couch and he is affectionate - put his arm around me, etc. but not sexual. That is how he's been and I don't know if that's good, bad, or otherwise.

Sat. when we are not here he is going to move his stuff from storage (cost him $) to here. I said OK. I would rather he move his stuff from HER house back here and leave the other stuff in storage, or move both back.

I hope I am not being stupid about this. I feel like he drugs me. When he is here all my doubts go out the window. As soon as he leaves, my nagging questions return. I asked him for a date that he is going to return, he will let me know.

I took that Eannagram (?sp) test and I came out as a 9 - the Peacemaker. It can definitely be a flaw at times. Wonder what Steve will say.

Well, I took that darn anagram test and it said I was like Saddam Hussein!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I am a type 8, the Challenger, whatever that means. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I will be interested to hear what SH says about all this. I know your H confuses you, but you always are good at looking at the situation objectively when you are away from him.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In other words, I am not objective when he is here and I should have some suspicions? BTW my spelling abilities seem to have gone right out the window tonight.

I'm telling you though Mel. He is very convincing when he is here. Yes, he is free to leave OW's house and move home at any time - right now even. Part of me thinks he is avoiding "dropping the bomb" on her and is trying to work up the nerve to move out. BUT, I could be totally wrong - don't know.

Mel,
I just looked up your "type 8":

The Powerful, Dominating Type:
Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational

I mean really, where do they get this stuff?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey, at least you know where you're going in life! My "type 9" calls me a simpleton and has me sitting on cloud 9 whistling Dixy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Seriously though, this is part of what it said about me that is true and concerns me:

Average: Fear conflicts, so become self-effacing and accommodating, idealizing others and "going along" with their wishes, saying "yes" to things they do not really want to do.

I better throw in the good stuff about "my type" so you don't think I'm a TOTAL loser!

Healthy: Deeply receptive, accepting, unselfconscious, emotionally stable and serene. Trusting of self and others, at ease with self and life, innocent and simple. Patient, unpretentious, good-natured, genuinely nice people. / Optimistic, reassuring, supportive: have a healing and calming influence — harmonizing groups, bringing people together: a good mediator, synthesizer, and communicator. At Their Best: Become self-possessed, feeling autonomous and fulfilled: have great equanimity and contentment because they are present to themselves. Paradoxically, at one with self, and thus able to form more profound relationships. Intensely alive, fully connected to self and others.

..... Okay, let's everybody hold hands and sing Kumbayah!
That's right, get your spoons out and get jiggy with it!

I took that "anagram" test a few months back, and I figured out that I'm two different "numbers", though I don't remember which, so I've come to the conclusion that I have more than one personality. Now I'm terribly conflicted... probably fall somewhere between Howard Dean and Steven Wright.

S-05, always remember to keep your brain engaged and your heart in check when you are dealing w/a foggy alien. They become first class liars/manipulators in order to fill their fog-enshrouded needs. Lock up your heartstrings and let your brain listen carefully to what he says without infusing your love for him, and try not to allow his words to evoke any emotion that will cloud what you are hearing.

Keep filling his LB$, and give Steve H a clear picture of how things are, and let him be your guide. We'll be here on the sidelines cheering you in your efforts.

Best wishes,
SD

Hi Shattered 05 -

I am glad you are talking with Steve!!! That's on my list for Recovery too - he is great to talk to & will really help you with a Plan.

By the way - where is the link to that test thing you guys keep talking about??

Kim

Thanks SD's. Steven Wright is one of my husband's favorite comedians. Need I say more?

You are very right. I feel my heart getting sucked in again but there are still some pieces that don't quite fit. When he just dropped DS off, he was enthusiastically talking about the house, which dresser he was going to put his clothes in, cleaning out the garage, etc.

OH, BIGGIE here: I asked him if he knew what he was going to say to OW. He said "no". I asked if he was worried about it. He said not really. I asked how he thought she would take it. He shrugged his shoulders and said I don't know but didn't seem too concerned. He was very nonchalant about it. Hmmm. Either he is no longer emotionally tied to her, or maybe he is cold hearted, or maybe he hasn't thought about breaking it off with her.

If he isn't worried about it, and he doesn't have much stuff there, then why isn't he moving home? RED FLAG. Hope "da bomb" has his crystal ball out tomorrow.

Thanks for checking in on me SD. Have a good night and I'll post after my session. I'll let Steve know I've been getting some good advice from a "schitzofrenic" MBer!

Here you go Kim. I gotta go put my son to bed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Thanks Shattered - I should take it again in a month....I had a 3-way tie between Type 4, The Individualist, Type 6, The Loyalist and Type 9, The Peacemaker.

Is that normal??

You & DS have a good night!!!

Kim

I spoke to Steve this morning. He said I am in a "unique" situation because we are divorced. He said he felt that although we were divorced legally, we were not divorced emotionally. This is what he suggested:

WH move from OW's house to mutual friend's house.

Ideally, we would then choose a marriage "coach" - I choose Steve - that would guide us through this and teach us how to get a R back on track. We could do the home study course but I feel I need an intermediary in the flesh to guide us.

This is what he told me to say:
WH, since we are divorced, I want a fresh start for us. Right now I desire nothing more than to be in love with you and be together for the rest of our lives. We both want DS to have his parents in love and living together. But our track record shows that we don't know how to do this by ourselves. So let's go to someone who can guide us to success.

I told him this as well (my words):

I have just spoken to a counselor who has a master's degree in phsychology, 15+ years of experience dealing with just this, and his father has published numerous books on the subject. I want to do this right and I want to invest in our future.

I would like you to call this person and check him out, set up an appt. to talk to him and tell me what you think.

Then, we would both have joint counseling sessions on the phone with him to teach us how to have a relationship.

Steve said there really is no Plan B. He said I should continue to consider myself divorced and pursue that train of thought, as you would if you just met someone you are dating. This really is a new start to a new relationship so either we are starting a new one from scratch or we are divorced.

I just called WH and told him this, not exactly verbatim. He seemed eager and agreeable until I got to the part about moving to friend's house. He didn't say anything but I sensed something in his voice. Remember, he told me he is not ready to speak to this man (friend). Then he said he had to call me back later. He is at work so it is possible that someone came in the room because when I asked if he could talk and was he alone, he said yes, right now I can but I don't know for how long.

Steve also said he should not move his things back from storage this weekend. I didn't get to tell him that so I have to remember to tell him when he calls back.

What do you think?

I think it sounds promising. Stick to your guns. This is your opportunity to set the rules. If he does not move out of OW house to a friends then nothing else should happen. NC is essential.

Thanks confused. I am leaving this afternoon so I will check posts on Sunday.

I know I have to stick to my guns but why is it so hard to let go.

WH just called back. Doesn't want to stay with friend I suggested. Said he will try two of his friends. When I questioned him why he got defensive. I don't care so much where he lives, I just don't want him with her. He wanted to know for how long and per Steve I told him "I don't know". I just kept saying just call Steve and ask him.

He also squawked (?) about the $$ for Steve. He said he doesn't think he needs it (counseling). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He said "They're worse than attornies". But he did say in an irritated voice, "If that's what it takes". He didn't like it that I didn't want him moving his stuff back this weekend from storage.

Right now I am feeling a stressed, weepy, and unloved. I know I need to ask for these things and I wish I could do it a little more assertively, but honestly I don't know if he loves me enough to follow through on all of this. I really hope he does because I love him so much and I don't want to let him go.

I could really use some support. I'll check back in Sunday night.
S.

We love ya!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
And your DS loves ya!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
And most importantly....you love ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
You know what kind of R you want with xWH....do not settle for less.

Shattered though I have not been through it, those who have always say recovery is the most difficult part of all this. So just keep that in mind and continue focusing on your goal.

Sendme on my way, was also divorced and has since reconciled. In fact he is getting remarried next month. He may have some good advice for you. I will see if I can get him to chime in.

Stay strong and follow SH advice. We are here for you.

Thanks Confused! Wow - even the love of total strangers makes me feel good!

Thanks Hope. That is what I seem to be finding out. I had this romanticized vision of his return where he would move heaven and earth for me and we would ride off into the sunset happily ever after. Geez, I sound like I'm playing with Barbie dolls instead of real life. Maybe that's my first clue, huh?

Well WH was a little put out that I wouldn't let him move his stuff back here from storage. The good news is he wants to move home so badly he finally told OW this weekend and moved his stuff out of her house. HE is now living on a friend's couch. Yeah! Phew!

Step one accomplished. Next step, he has to call Steve. I'll keep you posted.

P.S. Two of his good friends are backing me up on my requirements.

Shattered05...take a look at my post HERE!!!

It has just begun for you!!

What good news!!!! Now try to spend the required 15 hours a week doing fun things together. He may go through some withdrawal, so be prepared for that.