Shattered Dreams,

Thank you for your wisdom. I've been in a funk, floundering, and somewhat surprised to find myself feeling so down again. I've been having a pity party with myself. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll eat some worms. You know the drill. I've been under a lot of stress and I am learning that I don't handle it well!

I think I'm ready to look at this objectively again. I really appreciate your sensible outlook. I want you to know that I really listen to your advice and I truly appreciate the time you take to keep up with my charades.


This is very helpful for me. This I understand and can do. Without this advice, I would interpret the behavior as him giving these to OW.

I have pulled back a little. We talk daily and I usually let him initiate the call. I did call him to see how his charity event went. I have been keeping the calls light and newsy, and trying to support him in his "school work". I do not bring up any "R" talk. He has another charity event this weekend that will take him out of town. In a way I think this may work out well as a cooling off period.

I'm re-reading a lot of my affair books because I need to focus on a different aspect of the affair now. I need to hear and read these again and again before they become embedded in my brain. Thank you so very much for helping me regain my balance.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah, speaking of my Taker, please don't go too far in the next couple of months! My Taker "needs" your calming wisdom! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Mel,

Thanks for keeping up with me. That Hobag better not be pickin out a wedding gown or she's gonna be pushin up daisies. And I don't mean daisy dukes either!

Hi Confused,
Thank you so much for your support. I'm feeling so needy right now, every bit helps. Thanks for the withdrawal thread, I need it. I am going to look for your thread to see where you are with your sitch. Hope all is well with you.
S.

Have you read all of the stuff on the home page about restoration, recovery, and overcoming resentment? That may be helpful.

Thanks Believer, no I haven't. I will go back and read. My brain is like cheesecloth these days so the repetition is necessary. How are things with you?

Things are great. Try to check out the home page. You can read it over and over until it sinks in.

My WH was making noises about reconciling about 6 months after D-day. By that time I was so angry from all of the deception and bs that I didn't care to help him at all.

I think that is the hard part. They did all of this to themselves and the marriage, and then they act like you should be the one to rescue them. Sickening. So be prepared.

Thanks Believer. I'm glad things are good with you.

I can't believe how raw and vulnerable I feel. As SD's said, it is a dance. I can't reach out too far because I'm afraid he will run away. It's kind of a two steps forward, one step back dance. For my emotional safety I need to feel a real commitment from him. I worry that he will run again if the going gets tough and that makes it hard for me to open up. Although, I'm pretty sure he'd prefer I don't open up. I bet he'd like to get the biggest broom he can find and sweep it all away under the rug and never speak of it again! How 'bout those Steelers, huh? Pass the chips please.

He is in kind of a hard place right now. Even if he was to return to OW, the A has suffered a severe blow as she now knows he is not as committed to her as she thought. Nor is he as open and honest about his feelings as two "soul mates" should be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. I suspect that would result in some clingy behavior and we all know how that goes over with WS's! He cannot stay on friend's couch forever and now that he is paying child support, funds are a little tight for a place of his own. I bet that single life isn't lookin too good right now. Here I am kickin back in "my" house on 5 acres with my DS, who I get to hold and hug and kiss to my heart's delight whenever I feel like it. I am starting to feel empowered! What was I thinking?

A tightening of funds is good. It gives them the dose of reality that they need. My WH had tons of money to blow on their fantasy. That was a HUGE mistake. I should have filed for financial support and tied things up, so he couldn't get his hands on our money.

Believer is X actly right. Shortage of $$$ gives him a look at reality in living color.

Keep your spirits UP, your TAKER in check, and PMA on the front burner.....Positive Mental Attitude... not to be confused with PMS. (I know I don't have to X plain that one!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SD

Oh yeah! No splainin' necessary here. Out of estrogen, out of chocolate, and taking hostages!

A little bit of news tonight. I spoke to WH and he made an appointment for counseling. Not with SH unfortunately, the money issue was too much for him. He made an appointment locally so his insurance will cover it. I will take this as a good sign as last week he said he didn't think he needed it. Uh oh. Does he think he needs it now because he is in the fog again not sure which direction to head?? I'll try to find out this weekend where he made the appointment so I can get an idea if they are pro marriage or not. I hope the counselor doesn't tell him "You're divorced already. Keep going forward and don't look back." Say some prayers for me that WH gets the help he needs and his sanity returns.

I couldn't help it tonight, I asked him if he loved me. The past couple of days when he called he did not end the conversation with ILY. He said Yes, I never stopped loving you, I told you that. Made me feel a little better. I really think he is stressed with the pressure of this school.

I used to be sooooo low maintenance in our R. Too low maintenance, a peace at any price kind of maintenance. Now I'm afraid I am going to be high maintenance.

Well I'm gonna go tie up my Taker. It's gonna take a lot of restraint to keep that fella down! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Shattered, do you remember Mel's post to you after your WH said he wanted to come home. She cautioned you to expect him to vacilate and that is what he is doing. That girl certainly knows her infidelity stuff.

I can only imagine what you must feel like right now but just remember that it is never easy to recover. I've seen it on so many threads and your situation is not much different. It is going take time.

I do see some positive signs and that is encouraging. SD makes some excellent points so that should help you through some of this.


I don't think there is anything wrong with this sentiment. You have changed from all this, haven't you? Do you still want the old M? No, like most of us BS's you want something better...something worth the battle. I feel the same way.

BTW, I just wanted to say that the wisdom and knowledge you have gained through this is reflected in your posts to other MB members. I'm learning so much from your posts and your knack for insight is clearly evident.

Maybe Mel is finally rubbing off on you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes she does! Dang it! One thing I've noticed is how easy it is to see other people's situations objectively and not see what is starring us in the face in our own.

Ohhh, I think I would scare WH away if he only knew the type of M I'm dreaming about now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Hope! My evening is complete. You just filled my EN for admiration! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel, I just reread this post and once again you were right on target. It has been extremely difficult these past two weeks which is why I haven't been posting much. There hasn't been much to say except I'm hurting again and it seems to me he's calling the shots again, maybe I'll come home, maybe I need some more time for counseling, etc.

Call me stupid but the other day I was thinking. Everybody likes me, everybody that knows me anyway. I am an even keeled person, easy to be around, fun, funny, nice, kind, etc. I get along with everyone. I keep telling myself - I don't get it. Why wouldn't he want to be with me ? ? ? ? ?

WH wants me to give him a list of what I would expect of him when/if he comes home. Initially (two weeks ago) I kept it simple and verbally told him no contact, transparency, etc.

He has asked me again but he wants me to list what he can and cannot do as far as time away from home with his activities. I told him that I felt that was stuff that needed to be discussed and negotiated. He still wants me to write down a list.

My problem with that: I feel that he is basically asking me for what is going to appear to be a list of demands. You can't do such and such charity events, you can only do x number of these activities and x amount of time here and there. I don't want to give him this type of list. I would rather see us in counseling discussing and negotiating these things. I know from a friend that he doesn't want to have to give up his charity involvement. Is he going to make a decision about "us" based on whether or not he can do his charity?!

Anyway: Do I give him a list or not?? I can understand him wanting to know what to expect. I can give him a washed down list of no contact, transparency and joint negotiation on activities. I can also say no more working or away from home on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, holidays, etc.

((Shattered))

That reminded me of something my 6yo said to me not long ago. Her cousins were over here and all the kids were playing, but not with her. She said:
"No one will play with me, no one likes me. What is wrong with these people " <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It isn't you - it is these people (the waywards)

I keep telling myself - I don't get it. Why would you want to be with him? - the way he is currently behaving?

This is the part where you need to hang in there and take your time. Take good care of yourself. Don't rely on him for anything.

He still doesn't quite "get it".

From the mouths of babes . . . .

Thanks Jean. I know it in my heart but repeated rejection is really difficult so I guess I need to be reminded. Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Believer, Thank you. I think because this is what I was waiting for all these months (him wanting to return) I was ready to pounce! I am realizing the complexities are never quite complete. I am starting to think about my life again without him and what it might be like with someone else. Fantasies can be good for the heart! It's not that I've given up but I have to proceed as if he is never coming back until we get to a place in time where we are living it differently.

How's the weather out there? I'd love to go for a walk on a beach today and feel the warm sand and hear crashing waves . . . .

It does sound like he is looking at this from a hostage negotiation mindset. I would find it a bit insulting for my WH to imply "OK I'll come home, but how bad is it going to be for me".

I would want to convey to WH that I expect a marriage with only two people in it, and a marriage with care, respect and POJA.

Or maybe just hint that he is in no way acting like an H that you would want and you are not going to waste your time making a list for him. Tactfully without LBing, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Shattered, ask him for a list of things he is willing to do to restore the trust in your marriage and you can start from that point. What is he willing to do to repair the damage? What is HIS PLAN to repair the damage and restore trust? That is the LEAST you should expect if you are to consider taking him back. MAKE HIM WORK FOR IT GIRL, YOU ARE WORTH IT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

p.s. sometimes I really, really hate being right, this is one of those times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />