A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Thanks for the laugh!

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Q: Define an Australian kiss.
A: Same as French, but delivered Down Under!

Samuel Goldwyn, one of the finder of the MGM studio, is notorious for his misuses of the language. But he also had quite the sharp wit. Sometimes his wit is mistaken for verbal flub, while other times a verbal flub is the only conceivable explanation. Either way, this collection of quotations is hilarious.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Gentlemen, include me out.
I've gone where the hand of man has never set foot.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
They stayed away in droves.
Don't improve it into a flop!
I don't want yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
I read part of it all the way through.
I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
If I look confused it's because I'm thinking.
That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.
Tell them to stand closer apart.
For your information, just answer me one question!
You fail to overlook the crucial point.
In two words, impossible.
It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.
Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it.
A hospital is no place to be sick.
Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success.
If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business.
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.
Even if they had it in the streets, I wouldn't go. -- On Mardi Gras.
Yes, but keep copies. -- When his secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were over ten years old.
True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes, and I won't say no -- but I'm giving you a definite maybe.
I don't care if it doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man, woman, and child in America to see it.
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.
Let's have some new cliches.
Why did you do that? Every Tom, [censored] and Harry is named Sam! -- When a friend told him he named his son Sam.
I paid too much for it, but it's worth it.
Yes, but that's our strongest weak point. -- When a reporter asked a young Samuel Goldwyn if he'd ever made a picture before.
The trouble with this business is the dearth of bad pictures.
You've got to take the bull between your teeth.
We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir.
I have been laid up with intentional flu.
He treats me like the dirt under my feet.
I want to make a picture about the Russian secret police -- the GOP.
Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.
There is a statue of limitation.
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
Never make forecasts, especially about the future.
I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.
Modern dancing is old fashioned.
This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up.
Why is everything so dirty here? Goldwyn once asked of a film director. When told it was supposed to be a slum, Goldwyn responded, "Well, this slum cost a lot of money. It should look better than an ordinary slum."
Keep a stiff upper chin.
Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.
Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.
To ****** with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it. -- When told a particular script was "too caustic" for film.
Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

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Since jokes are in, I will bump this one.

Cinderella! Giggles, how ever did I miss your post?Love it!

My mom's senior Italian ladies friends will adore that one! See right pass that pickup line. Smack them wet noodles over their grumpy husbands meat ball heads. Take their viagra and bus passes away ma for sure! Ha, Ha!


Speaking of Italians !

Q: What’s the difference between a Jewish mother and an
Italian mother?

A: An Italian mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill you.”

A Jewish mother says “Eat your dinner or I’ll kill myself.”



B2M-Loved the laughs-keep going!

Well, Well, Well Cinder-elle!!!

That was such a great joke!

My mother absolutely loved that joke so much! It sprung a leak of laughter.

Boy what a leak she couldn't stop laughin, coughin, leakin.
Wants me to print it out for her Italian girlfriends.

It truly was a "depend" times moment so to speak"! Of course I didn't let her off the pot/punch line that quick that easy & told her more senior jokes....

Yep, nothin like a few good jokes to get a point across.

Now the question for me is will my wayward mother and her nasty, jerky, creepy boyfriend leave me alone!!! Helpppp...

Who says we can't have fun, with a good cup of java, good jokes, to keep the waywards at bay...nothin like a wing, prayer and some good Joke Fu& depends!!! Tee Heee...

Ah yes, the wayward depends....