I was advised to post in this section rather than the "Just found out..."

Hi, I am new user here and hope to get some good advice.

I am on the wrong side of the fence trying to make things right. I am newly married and already have strayed and had an affair.

I slept with a woman we were both friends with 2 times. I am still not sure why I did it, but I am digging deep within myself to figure it out. I started seeing a counselor today and hopefully if I can get into a marriage counselor with my health insurance we can both go. Otherwise I will have to find another source of income so we can go.

This is all very recent, my wife is torn up and I can only try to console her but it is not working. Nor do I think it should, I screwed up. But she feels like there is no where to turn. She doesn't want to goto friends and family incase we stay together. She doesn't want to involve them. Most of all, if we are together, she doesn't want them hating me.

All I do right now is promise I will get help, promise I will do anything it takes, and promise I will try to make it right. That's all I can do. I am crying nonstop for being such an idiot. This is easily the best relationship I have ever been in and she is great with my son who lives with me full time. She is his mom.

I guess I am looking for any advice on rebuilding. I know I did wrong, I fully admit it. I am willing to get help. I am wondering what else I should do... I think this might be over, but I need to make sure she knows it is not her fault. I do love her very much and she is my best friend. I feel like ****** betraying her.

Thank you for listening.

Hi Jfedd,

Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Glad you come here.

Please try and get your wife here too so we can help her. We love repentant wayward spouses around here!

Also print out the infidelity FAQ's on this site, get the book His Needs, Her Needs and surviving an affair. You just don't know how much this can help you and your wife.

It is good that you realize that the onus of restoring trust and making things right is on YOU.

First up, you must cease contact with the OW. Completely. You mustn't contact her for any reason. Write a letter of no contact, that your wife will approve, and send it to her.

Then, I would suggest marriage counselling, ASAP. Many people here do telephone counselling with the Harleys and can't speak highly enough, so this might be the way to go.

It is going to take a lot of effort and quite a while to rebuild your marriage, but if your W is willing to go the distance with you, consider yourself the luckiest man on earth and get working.

Thank you BigK and RiverT...

The contact with the OW was through email. I wrote a letter to her today, even before I knew this site existed and told her I want nothing to do with her, do not contact me or my wife and just to leave us alone. My wife did read the letter and had me change a few things for her aswell.

I want the marriage counseling terribly. We just bought a house and are short on funds. My health plan (Kaiser Permanente) has told us on many occasions that they do not have the staff or the resources for partner counseling. If someone knows a way to get referred out, that would be great.

And RiverT, I know this has no weight on my wife. This problem I created is now ours and I take full responsibility. When I came clean, I was open and honest. I really think it was the first time I was seriously honest with myself. Now I just need to find the reason why it happened and why I put myself in this situation.

Good on you Jfedd. Try and get your wife to come here - it will reaqlly help her. And please do print out the Infidelity FAQ's (linked below in my signature)

That's great advice, BigK. I think she'd it so helpful.

I am trying, we are barely communicating right now.

Thank you for your support and I will follow the link.

I believe you mean what you say, Jfedd. You are looking for answers and are open to guidance. You followed bigkahuna's advice quickly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, so every journey begins with a first step.

I have some counseling ideas because you taking action without obstacles is imperative for your wife believing you after the deceit.

There are church counselors even for those who don't go to church. There is sex addict annonymous and their partners' support group which is free. I'm not saying you're a sex addict at all. I'm just pointing out resources that might give you some perspectives on where you might get help free.

Best help here is what bigkahuna linked to, along with Harley's articles. Read all of them.

If you can continue your honesty steps, give us your background. Being honest with yourself and with your wife is the best commitment you can make right now. Answer her questions to the best of your ability and don't withhold anything to spare her feelings. She's already devastated. If you wait and tell her truths later, then they all will look like lies.

Look at your conscious and constant honesty as the first part of your amends. We make mistakes. You've admitted to two and are trying to find out why so that you don't choose to do it again. Then you demonstrate your boundary in your loving commitment to your wife to do just that--to protect her, yourself and your marriage. That's where the redemption will be, Jfedd.

Search this site for dorry's wayward spouse guide, too.

You can do this. You're not crazy, broken or alone. You have to heal with your wife, but she gets your best stuff, 'k?

LA

I don't honestly know if I could goto a SA meeting... with all the problems sex has caused me over years... I think one on one counseling for me is best for now. I also think marriage is needed and I will check into some free resources in town. This is all moving so quickly, but I have to start proving to her that she and my family are the most important things to me.

Okay, no SA for now (though if you read what you said about sex having caused problems over the years...). Anyway, you know what you will and won't be safe doing.

I saw where you said she's barely communicating. Can you take it on yourself to do this? You can leave her notes affirming your love and desire. Saying what you said in little bites...that she is your best friend, the best relationship you've had and you cherish it now. Emails, kind acts of service...whatever her emotional needs are--fill them up. Doesn't mean she'll let you make those deposits, but your efforts will show that love and commitment.

You are already acting on your promise. You're here. You're listening. You've begun the proof, whether she knows or not. You know. That's important, also. And you're being honest for the first time ever with yourself. I would caution you not to say, "I have to start proving" because that is a built-in lie, in a way, when we say, "I'll try" is to lie. Know you're taking action and you will do it. It's important.

Tell her the man you want most to be--honest, faithful, loving, kind, honorable (you choose). I am concerned that she has no support if she doesn't want to disclose to those closest to her. Isolation for me would be awful. People do heal from this, over time. You really can't control what others think or how they take things. Al-Anon taught me that. And by not informing, in a way, you're controlling their choices, disrespecting them. JMHO.

You can read up on SA without being vulnerable to in-person meetings.

And however you managed to evade her before, make yourself an open book now. Be vigilant about telling her your whereabouts and being home and accountable. If she needs phone calls throughout the day, cell records, whatever she needs, I know you'll give her access. All passwords to email. Whatever it takes.

LA

Hey, Jfedd, I was a fool, too, having had an A about a year and a half ago. Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you've come to the right place.

First, kudos to you for coming clean. That total honesty is important.

On getting insurance coverage for MC: My insurance company doesn't cover marriage counseling either. BUT ... it does cover something coded as "Family therapy with patient." This was discovered by the place where we went for both my IC and our MC. You might want to check that out.

Also, does one of you have an Employee Assistance Program through work? You might be able to get some limited help through that. However, with that and with other "free" services, you sometimes get what you pay for. The counselor we saw through my H's EAP was totally useless! We were relieved to get more useful help through the counseling service with the insurance coverage.

I honestly have gotten as much out of this site and another somewhat similar site that we're not allowed to mention here.

Keep up the faith... I am blessed with a very forgiving and patient H and we're doing fairly well. And do encourage your W to come here. There are lots of wonderful supportive people here who want to help.

Once you turn the corner to rebuilding your M, you might want to try posting on the "In Recovery" section. It's more oriented toward rebuilding and recovery, whereas this and the JFO section are more oriented toward the immediate trauma of it all.

My best wishes go out to you.

Jfedd,

Welcome to MBers. Here is a guide you will find very helpful (just click on the link):

Tools for the Wayward Spouse

Also take a look at the following threads:

When "Sorry" is Not Enough

Great article: What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile

The following thread will help you to get more insight into yourself and why you did what you did during your betrayal.

How the wayward get wayward

Hope it helps! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Suzet

JF,

Just wondered how you were doing.

LA

Thanks for all the good reading Suzet. I am readind and studying the WHAT THE WS/BS MUST DO TO RECONCILE article. I am trying to follow the 18 rules and sticking to them so far really. The only ones that I am having a hard time with is 8 and 13.

8 - She wants me to write to the OP. We have already emailed her and told her not to make any contact with us or anyone we know. We both approved of the email and have not heard from her since. I do not know why but she wants me to write again. I don't know if this is a good idea or not.

13 - She keeps calling herself a fool and stupid. I keep trying to reinforce that it is not her fault, it is really not even the OP's fault. It is mine, I am the one who had a commitment and I am the one who betrayed her trust and it is going to take everything in my power to fix that.

Any advice?

Other than that, we are talking a little. And when we do it is pleasant. We went grocery shopping yesterday and I actually saw her smile. I am not pushing my luck and respecting her space. I am checking in with her frequently and trying to do much better at everything else I used to neglect or take for granted. I am in the spare bedroom of our home and not pushing anything sexually and/or emotional. I am just there for her.

I am waiting for a call back from my health plan for my couseling. I had a pre-visit to find out my background to see what counselor to see. That was on Tuesday. We are also waiting to see if we can get referred out for couples counseling. My health plan does not normally cover it.

If anyone knows any way around Kaiser Permanente's coverage to get it taken care of, please let me know.

I also have an appointment with a chemical dependency therapist to talk about my drinking habits and see what they think. I never thought I had a problem nor did my wife, but the therapist on Tuesday said it wouldn't be a bad idea just to make sure I am being healthy for everything going on. I normally have a hard time sleeping so I usually take sleeping pills. For right now I put a nix on both of them to keep a clear head for my wife.

Thanks for everyones support and I am listening.

Thank you very much for checking up on me, while you wrote that I was giving you all an update.

We call writing the OW a no contact letter. It should say that the affair was a huge mistake, you love your wife, and are working on your marriage, and you will not have contact with the OW for any reason ever.

Then have your wife send it.

Thank you for the update and all your reading.

Do what believer said...she is right on. Your first email might not have conveyed your truth enough.

"13. calling herself a fool and stupid. I keep trying to reinforce that it is not her fault, it is really not even the OP's fault. It is mine, I am the one who had a commitment and I am the one who betrayed her trust and it is going to take everything in my power to fix that."

Understand that your wife is being very honest with you. Accept that she feels this way. She's not looking for you to fix her, only yourself. Acknowledge what she is saying. Let her know you hear her. You can state you do not view her as such and what you believe (as you have done) but don't do it to negate what she is saying (please?). Improving your communication would be of great benefit to you for now and in the long run.

This might be giving you problems because you feel much the same about yourself. Share that with her. You don't know why you self-destruct this way, but for your sake, her and your marriage you are going to find out why and never choose to do that again. That's no fool. As you continue to prove yourself to her, over time, she won't feel like a fool or stupid either. She's being brave, smart and anything but foolish by staying with you right now, and considering recovery with you.

LA

Thanks believer... makes alot of sense.

Loving- I hear what you say completely, I even understood it before hand, you just gave me a little more insight of how to convey that much better.

jfed,

I believe everything you say. You are sorry....You made a big mistake, the biggest. But, You are trying to do everything you can to make it up to your wife. You are a good person. I am proud of you for the steps you have taken and the energy you are putting into this. I wish my wife had taken on the reponsibility that you have.

Your wife is going to need time to mourn. The recovery will happen very slowly in the beginning. You must take things one day at a time. But, you marriage can be saved and be stronger than ever.

The hardest part for me was the fact that my wife did not seem sorry enough. If she had written me some long apollogy letters in the beginning, that would have helped. Let her know everyday that you know how badly you screwed up. You will never understand the amount of pain you caused her. Until you are in the BS position, you can't comprehend it. She is struggling with the wost pain imaginable and you need to show her that you know that and that you caused it.

You are going down the right path now. I can tell by your posts that you are a good man who made a mistake. Eventually your wife will feel that way too. You have a very long road ahead of you....As long as you keep up the good work you are doing so far, you will be able to rebuild your marriage.

Good luck and God Bless

Hi, JF...

I had to second October's advice on letting her know daily how you can't comprehend her pain. And how you do cherish her and will practice the Rule of Protection. Did you read here under the articles about a recovery plan? That's part of it, I think.

You don't have to fix a mistake. It is unfixable. It happened. You don't have to fix her emotions and get her cheerful. Respect her to grieve and share with you her pain. Understand it, let her know you comprehend it, even if you begin just repeating back to her what you heard.

You're gonna shine, JF. Do you know that? By doing this, owning this part, the rest of your life you will know yourself better, understand and control those things you thought you had no control inside of you.

Thank you so much for being here.

LA