Just to give you guys an update...

We are speaking more and more everyday. She asked me to start sleeping in our bedroom again. I am not sure how I feel about that though. I think it is moving a little too quick for the mistake that I have made. But, it is what she wants and I am still making sure there is a comfort level there. As a family we all played a board game last night, we all laughed and had a good time. It was good to involve our son (my son biologically, not hers) so he can see that things are working and that even though she might be upset, we are trying.

I have not wrote the letter yet. Not that I haven't had the time, I am just not sure what to say yet. I know that I would like to tell her it is a mistake, that I love my wife and that it will never happen again with her or anyone else. But I need something else there, it's right at the tip of my tongue but I haven't quite got it out yet.

I also haven't drank or taken sleeping pills (the pills are a common occurance with me due to insomnia). I want to keep my head clear and thinking about what I have done. I might be tired the next day, but I am thinking and not bottling things up. This is probably the first time in my life I don't want to ignore things.

I have been doing more around the house. That way she sees what I am doing. Not that I am 'kissing her butt', so that way she can account for my whereabouts. She knows that I am cleaning more, cooking dinner, getting things done. Not sneaking around or being dishonest. It is making me feel better that I am not aswell.

She has asked me some questions that make me uncomfortable, but I am trying to answer them with the best honest answers I can.

The one problem I am having is with my medical provider. I am checking with them every day to get counseling and they keep pushing me off. It is almost enough for other people to throw their hands up and give up, but I am not. I am just glad I am not a person who wished to harm themselves or worse. There would be no one out there.

I do want to thank all of you for all of your advice. It has helped me alot so far.

JF,

She asked you back to the bedroom. You might think you require more "punishment" for your crime, what she wants is what matters. Part of you changing so much--breaking your routines with alcohol and sleeping aids, self-dishonesty, and ignoring things, is terrific! Big, big congrats. Remember that at the base of your old choices was that you reacted to what others wanted and judged their need inside of you according to what you deserved. Have to keep those two things separated.

Your self-awareness is remarkable. You're doing great. Your persistence in the face of your medical provider is wonderful! Rely on this, though--you say there would be no one out there for those who want to do themselves harm. There would be. God always provides a way. You're being delayed for a reason. Maybe to challenge your persistence, help prove your dedication (which you feared wasn't enough to keep your wife), or something else, but trust there's a reason.

I take it you did the questionnaires and found that her EN for domestic support was pretty high? That kind of caretaking does improve your own self-worth, too. I'm glad you're seeing that. Making yourself feel better in healthy ways is the key to you trusting that you will never choose to stray again.

You're so on it. Your discomfort in answering her questions is another good sign, too. You're being honest with her and yourself, like you said, for the first time. It's gonna hurt a little, like getting a tooth fixed that has been bothering you for years. Then you're gonna feel so much better!

JF

Jfedd,

It's so nice to hear a FWS talking like this - so soon!

Full marks to you for your efforts & honesty.

If your wife wants you back in bed - do it. Whatever she wants - do it.

Answer all questions honestly no matter how painful it is for you. Your honesty & openness now helps your wife to build trust with you again.

You've come a long way fast. Read your first disparing posts again. You are doing really well.

God Bless you.

Thanks so much for the update, JF. You have both come a LONG way in a short time! I am full of admiration for you both, and send you my prayers and very best wishes.

Jfedd, HERE is a sample of NC-letters to assist you. Don’t wait to long before writing and sending the NC-letter.

Also read the following Dr Harley have to say about the NC-letter:

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Just to let you know, our progress seems to be still moving forward. We have been spending, what I think, is alot of quality time together. I know one of the things that has been bugging her since we moved into the new house is our office and garage. They were both pretty much set up in a day. So we both took a trip to the store picked out some paint we both really liked and I went at it. It is in stages due to our busy schedules, but I already have it half painted. Plus we need our computers running, so half is all I could do. We are working together on it really well. When this is done I am moving onto the garage, that way she can park her car in there and not have to hang out in the rain. It was the original plan... 7 months ago. Time to get rid of some useless junk and make some room. The good thing is we are working together and not fighting and actually seem to be getting along.

I FINALLY got my counseling appointments set up and I am looking forward to going.

I will get the no contact letter out by this weekend. I am not sure how my wife is going to send it, but we will find a way. Thanks for the examples. I found one that fits my situation that I am going to use for a base.

Thanks again for everyones support.

J

jfedd, you're doing good - I'm proud of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you want to, you can first send the NC-letter here for comments before you and your W finally send it.

Blessings and best wishes to you and your W,
Suzet

Hey everyone,

I didn't forget about this site, just alot has been going on in our lives.

My wife and I are still together, I am still in counseling and we are also attenting counseling as a couple and monthly as a family with my son. I am still working hard every day for trust and being the best friend I can to my wife. I am keeping myself busy off the computer so that I don't fall into a lull again and feel I want or need someone else to talk to and it has been working.

I do things much differently. I cook most nights of the week, I help out more around the house, I talk more about what I am feeling. I see it getting better daily but it is not perfect.

The newest news is we are pregnant. She is roughly 4-6 weeks along, the due date is actually January 1st. She is nervous being her first child but very happy and excited aswell. I am very proud.

I know alot of people might fall back into some old traits when something big comes along, but we are going to keep attending counseling and I am going to have to pick up even more slack around our home and make sure my son older son doesn't feel like he isn't part of the family.

I hope everything is good with everyone here, thanks again for all your advice.