I am 29 and have been married to my 27 year old wife for 5 years now and we have an 18 month old daughter. Even prior to us having our little girl our sex life was pretty bad, we would only have sex 3-5 times a year, and since the birth of our daughter we have had sex zero times. She states it is too uncomfortable for her and that it hurts (said the same thing prior to giving birth), she has seen a doctor but no helpful advice was received. I respect her decision and do not push her much about it, but at my age I am very frustrated because I need to be sexually active. How can I or we overcome this obstacle? When is it time to call it quits? I have heard such things as trying adult videos, etc..but know my wife would not go for it. Please help, I am desperate for some advice!! Thank you kindly in advance.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.... First realize you are not alone, I've been on these boards since '01 and you can't believe how many times I've heard this. First and foremost, please take the time to click on the basic concepts here and read through the information on this site, especially the part about emotional needs and love busters.

While it is possible that your wife has some psychological problem that hasn't been dealt with (i.e. rape or insest) or that she has a physical problem, it is also possible that she is in a form of withdrawal and her love bank is running on empty therefore for the years leading up to the birth and after she has lost the desire. That coupled with a very normal adjustment period after giving birth could explain what is going on.

Next, let me suggest YOU NOT TRY VIDEO'S..... After giving birth, many women see parts of their body moving south and parts mis-shaped, the last thing she wants to see is you getting all worked up over so 19 yo hard body. What I would suggest is that you be the absolute best husband you can be. Court your wife. Make her feel special. Do all those little romantic things you used to do (assuming you use to do romantic things) and date her all over again. While doing this, eliminate all love busters (Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, and Independant Behaviors). Become totally selfless for a while and things will get different.

Thanks for the reply Bill. I have tried the 'courting' route to no avail, I love her dearly and would do anything to please her, it just continues to grow ever frustrating with no intimacy to back the marriage.

If the problem is physical discomfort, she should try another doctor...and I'd suggest a female doctor might be more responsive to her.

Kathi

OK, let me ask you something HONESTLY.... But it requires a bit of reading first. So first, click on the basic concepts on the top of the page, then click on Love Busters, read through that section.

So have you tried courting her for an extended period, like 6 months (this would be making love bank deposits) while at the same time not doing ANY, I repeat ANY, love busters (for these are withdrawals) and depending on a person's emotional make-up, 1 love buster can erase 20 withdrawals, thus it can be expensive?

It is nearly impossible to go without a Love Buster for an extended period of time. Frustration may have been shown once, but for years (honestly) I have been extremely patient (more patient than most young guys would be) with her, very caring, concerned. I went with her to doctor visits for support (with a female physician), she said it was due to being very dry, so we tried the lubricants but both did not like them very much. So we tried to go the natural route, waiting until she became lubricated on her own, after endless attempts at sensual romancing, foreplay, etc, there is still zero interest/desire in her to be active. I know it sounds far fetched, but one thing I am sure of is that I have been extremely patient and caring on this issue, never pressuring her or trying to make her feel like she is inadequate or has a problem. The worst I would do is walk away from the situation.

“””It is nearly impossible to go without a Love Buster for an extended period of time.”””

If you control yourself, then you control your actions. I can relate to the seemingly monumental task of keeping yourself in check for an extended period but don’t view it as impossible. However, I do understand that small busters will slip in here and there.

“””Frustration may have been shown once, but for years (honestly) I have been extremely patient (more patient than most young guys would be) with her, very caring, concerned.”””

OK, I feel you on that.

“””she said it was due to being very dry, so we tried the lubricants but both did not like them very much.”””

OK, can you tell me more about this without getting into grand detail? You said you didn’t like the lubricants, why not and how did you express this to her? This is an important detail because if she was willing to put forth an effort only to have it “not be good enough” then she would likely be frustrated as well.

“””So we tried to go the natural route, waiting until she became lubricated on her own, after endless attempts at sensual romancing, foreplay, etc, there is still zero interest/desire in her to be active.”””

OK, well then it seems narrowed a bit to either a psychological problem or a medical problem. Does she have any psychological demons in her closet? Was she abused, raped, or anything else of that nature? Is she willing to do anything to explore this either psychologically or through a second opinion with another doctor.

“””I know it sounds far fetched, but one thing I am sure of is that I have been extremely patient and caring on this issue, never pressuring her or trying to make her feel like she is inadequate or has a problem.”””

Actually, it doesn’t seem far fetched and I can relate to it, more times than not it’s not the case, thus I put the questions out there…..

She actually mentioned that she did not like to use the lubricants, it frustrated her because it was not natural. She wants it to be an occurence that happens on its own, not aided by lubricants.

She does have some demons with family related happenings when she was young, bad childhood (father who she knew only for 3 years before he got locked up, and a mother who is out of her life because my wife did not want her in the delivery room for the birth of our daughter). But she is not willing to seek psychological/pyshciatric help, and I can understand her on that front.

I am just starting to feel that I am not attractive to her anymore or not wanted. I know it sounds young and boyish, but I long for that feeling again.

"Fixing" problems yourself (the two of you) has netted you the current relationship. I would suggest that you guys seek out some counselling both MC and IC. IF the counsellors look at you and say "You don't need this" THEN you're off the hook.

Are you afraid of the perceived stigma of seeking assistance? Are either of you too proud or egotistic to seek help?

If you answered 'yes' or 'no' to either of those questions you should seek some counselling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

At the very least this situation is obviously causing issues with your relationship. Go get help filling up your marital toolbox via counselling.

It is not about pride nor ego, it is just that you would think these issues can be resolved without having to take on such a large expense that we simply cannot afford. I know it sounds like a brush off, but counseling is very pricey!!! I do agree that something 'different' needs to be done. I have heard of some of these drugs that are supposed to enhance a woman's drive?

Thank you all for the replies, I feel so helpless on this.

At some point it gets to where you truly cannot afford not to go no matter how pricey it may be. Do y'all have health insurance? Many health insurance policies cover marital therapy.

There are also many counselor who work on a sliding fee basis. If you have an Area Mental Health Center, that's where I'd start gathering information and getting options from.

I feel for you. I have been in this boat for 4 years. My wife says to grow up. It is such a hard existence. Dont let the situation get the best of you. Love your wife. Love your kid. Love your self. I will be watching in on your post. I really dont know what to tell you to try. Dont let it tear your self esteme apart. Excercise. Try a new hobby. Focus on work. If you are given lemons, make lemonade. Self confidence and self assurance will help so much. Some times all the principles on this sight dont work. Just keep your head up. Try the steps.

Thanks for the thoughts dad44. I am trying to keep my head up. I love my wife dearly and cherish my daughter more than anything in the world, I would never do anything to jeopardize me being in her life full time. I am just hoping as my wife grows older her drive will increase, I read a lot about women becoming more active in their 30's, so here's holding on to hope!!

NCFunGuy, I want you to know that I am going through the same thing with my husband. Even affection is an issue now, I am out of ideas & answers & becoming a mess, not sure how much longer I can do it. Losing interest to try anymore.

It is so strange for me to even comprehend that a woman has these desires. Every time I hear from a woman that she is not being satisfied, I sit back in absolute confusion. It hurts to know that most women actualy desire to be intimate with there husband. Sorry this is not much help. I am just stunned.

Thanks for the note, I hate to say that it is nice to see that I am not the only one experiencing these issues / frustrations. The other night I sat down and wrote a letter to my wife about our sexual relationship. I spoke about how I understand the difficulties of being very active with a child in the house, about her not being able to open up or feel comfortable speaking about it, so maybe we could try writing each other about it. I wrote about how much I love her and how beautiful she is, but the only response I got out of it was "you're silly". Wow, that felt fantastic. Then in bed I tried making some advances only to be forcefully denied, I just rolled over said I understand and went to sleep. This is SO frustrating..I am only 29, I thought I would not worry about this until my 40's at the earliest, there goes my wishful thinking. Anyhow, I am sorry to drag this post on, thank you all for listening to my hopeless recants.

NCFG, you can't NOT afford counseling. Trust me on this. Your story sounds EXACTLY like what WH and I went through for over 16 years. Now he wants a divorce because he says he no longer loves me, and his biggest reason for that was the lack of sex. We never had professional counseling, and the only time the thought of going came up was in the midst of an argument, so neither of us actually ever thought the other was serious about it. I know that I was horribly ashamed and guilt-ridden because of the same problems your wife has, and I couldn't bear to have anyone else know that about me. But looking back, I wish I had gotten over myself enough to deal with my problem. If there is ANY way for you and your wife to start counseling, please do it. I actually just started IC, but we haven't even touched on this problem yet. I still not sure what my problem stemmed from, but I know that if WH and I had determined to get to the bottom of it and work on it in whatever ways it took, we'd be in a much different place than we are today.

I know what you are saying, I just know that she would not go to counseling, she had a bad experience with a doctor already and said she would never trust someone with those problems again. So, unfortunately I am out of luck, we spoke about it last night and she will not budge, I was willing to bite the bullet and pay for counseling which I dearly cannot afford.

I found my letter that I wrote my W about these issues laying on the dining room table AFTER my family joined us for dinner. Not only did she not try to start a dialogue with me over it, she just laid it down and forgot about it. I have spent years accomodating my W just to be exactly where she wants to be in our relationship. It just isnt where I want to be. My pastor told me I was vulnerable and to be careful. I didnt understand what he meant at the time. Man, I do now. As much as I love my wife, and as faithful as I have been, I just long for a woman to look at me twice. Some people love themselves more than those that love them. They are the ones that always lose the most. It is hard to cope with. I laid my feelings on the line and made them clear. We are now drifting farther apart and she doesnt know what is wrong. BS! She can either decide to work on it, or live on the island herself. I am not going to let her put me on it. Love those that love you back. I know I am going to get bashed on this thread for saying these things, but sometimes the principles taught here dont work. I will continue to apply them, not for her, but for my own well being of knowing I have done as much as i could. I screw up sometimes. I know it is from my frustrations and lack of not being able to feel someones desire and passion to be with me. I will try to do the right things, and hold on as long as I can. Something will change. She will consider my EN or she wont. It is like she is asking for an affair. I too feel so un loved. You are not alone. I guess I am counting on the old saying of you dont know what youve got untill its gone. I also dont believe you can lose something you never had. I never had her respect for my needs from the start. I was just too blind to notice. That realization has helped me cope. Sorry to offend those reading this thread that WILL take issue to what I have said. I am not saying to give up. Work it all the way through. Committ to it and stick to it. But mental issues that your spouse is having can not be corrected unless thay are willing to accept that the issues exist. You cant change her, but you can change yourself. Be come the person you want to be. Confidence makes you whole. It turns the table upside down for those who know they are doing someone wrong. They become very curious as to how someone can be so self assured when they know they are treating them like crap.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting this way. I know how consuming it can be. I'm sorry this is so long. I thought you might want a female perspective.

I have felt on the verge as well, except that it's not really the sex that I needed. I craved affection from a man so strongly, that I absolutely knew I could not stop myself from having an affair if a chance ever crossed my path. Just someone, anyone tell me I'm special. I don't care if you don't really feel that way. Someone hold me, put your lips on my neck and smell my hair, because you want to, not because I told you to. You can have sex with me. I don't care if it's bad.

I picked up His Needs Her Needs last weekend as a last ditch effort before I went out and invited major drama in my life. (This is my first time on the forum.) Has your wife read the book? The biggest thing I learned was that often sex for men is just as important as affection for women. How absurd, I thought!! It's totally mind-boggling. It's actually an offensive and demanding thought, really. I've been thinking about this all week. It is still slowly sinking in. It's very difficult to grasp this concept.

I have tried EVERYTHING to explain to my husband my problem. I make absolutely sure that I am not being accusatory. I try to send a clear and loud message. Just hold me and it will be better! I'm not asking for much! It's simple! Stop keeping it from me! Please, please help me! Alert! Crisis! Quick, just smile at me and pull me out of my well!
Seems straight forward, right? Like your letter, I'm sure, was honest and clear.

Amazingly, repeatedly, this approach didn't work. He didn't comprehend. His answer was, "I hear you. I'm sorry you're sad. I'm here for you", which is nice, sure, but not what I needed. 'I don't want you to pity me for being "hormonal". I want to feel your heart, just a little. Just open it a little bit!" I would dry my eyes and wait patiently for the love to start. He would apparently think the "hormone storm" blew over and everything was fine again. I can assume your wife feels this way as soon as the "swelling" goes down.

Just know this... as much as you are hurting, your wife is lacking in her needs. It is probably not that you are neglecting her. Your efforts may not be getting through. Sometimes I marvel at my husband when he declares that he is exhausted by trying to satisfy my demands for conversation and affection. He's totally wiped out and I have no idea why because all I see was that maybe he stopped to say hello, or carried his dishes to the sink. What do you want, a medal? Some sexin'? It's going to take more than that, bucko!!

My point is, when your wife really FEELS the affection come through, you're not going to be able to keep her hands off of you. That's how it is, unless there are greater psychological obstacles. It's always been that way for women. For most women, SEX IS JUST A SYMPTOM OF AFFECTION. And when men act like they deserve it, when they expect it when they haven't even prepared her, it is offensive and hurtful. Most women think sex is secondary. It, in itself, is NOT important. "You can take care of yourself in the shower just fine! Don't bother me about that!"

After I read the first few chapters of the books, I opened myself up wide to receive all forms of affection. I went out of my way to kiss my man hello and goodbye. I told him how special I think he is and I saw something that I was looking for. A sweet, caring, understanding smile. And good lord, hold on! Let's just say he was pleased with the outcome. The female libido will only surface if it feels that affection. It's the only way. Otherwise, it's an awkward, uncomfortable chore.

Men don't notice that their girl is feeling this way. They're too busy, and she tries to take minimal comfort in being appreciated for about 3 minutes. After a while, it becomes hurtful and she won't do it at all. My biggest question about that has always been, "How am I supposed to make love to someone when I feel like his mother? I work all day, do his laundry, clean up his stray socks, and I'm supposed to do this dirty, unrewarding chore too? That's gross!"

Since before we were married six years ago, we've have sex about 4-5 times a year. I've been thinking that good and frequent sex was for adulterers and anonymous encounters. I try not to think about ex-boyfriends. I turn away from the hugging and kissing on TV. Now I have hope that I can teach my, God bless him, clueless husband how to reawaken it, now that I know what I need. Sex should no longer be a sad reminder of the lack of love flowing in our marriage. I'm going to make sure that it becomes a way to celebrate it. I just need to teach him how to love me.