Lately, I have been feeling like I am a complete victim and that I don't have any right to retatliation. Not that I want retaliation. Let me explain....I get the feeling that my H has done this horrible thing (the A) and he doesn't get any punishment for it. It's as though he has let out this huge lie that has been going on, turned all his frustration and guilt onto me and now gets to move on without having punishment of any kind. I'm not even sure what it is that I am wanting, but I just feel like he has done this horrible thing and I don't get to do anything about it. I want things to work and we have both been trying really hard to meet each others needs. I just get so dang frustrated with feeling like a victim. [color:"purple"] [/color]

I also feel like I am being punished, for what I don't know, but her A has caused a ton of grief for me and she doesn't seem to be affected by any of it. She also tries to make me out as the bad guy and tries to make me feel like this is all my fault.

I do feel that way a lot. It sometimes seems backwards to me that he is the one that had the A, yet I am supposed to do everything to meet his needs and make him feel good. I understand the MB concept, but it is really hard.

Hi Kim,

I just read a bit of your other posts and one thought comes to mind that i want to share with you. I am a FWS, so I am the one that you would be saying is getting away with something, the one you feel is not being punished. i think i read in another post where you believe he thinks all should be forgotten and life is back to normal.

now i don't know your H, it sounds like you believe he is truely remorseful and if that is the case then i can assure you, he IS being punished internally, even if he is not showing you. and unless he has specifically stated he believes all should be forgiven and you should act like he never even did it, YOU are making a very large DJ (disrespectful judgement) by coming to some of the conclusions you are coming to.

I'm not saying your feelings are not justified, i am just wanting to caution you and point out the judgements you are making based more on YOUR feelings as opposed to his actions.

i hope this post does not upset you. i post it with the best intentions to only challange your thinking not attack your feelings and your right to have those feelings.

I agree it is soooooooooooo hard. It's like we found out there has been this problem and now we need to fix it. My H has been really struggling with changing his ways to make our relationship work. Although, I have been struggling too. I found out about 5 months ago and we have definately made imrpovements, but sometimes he get so stuck in his routine and forgets what has happened. And of course, I haven't forgotten a thing.

we posted at the same time so i wanted to make sure you saw my post above yours.

I am always up for thought corrections. That's why we are all here.

You may be right about being too judgemental towards him. I know he is remorseful and has a ton of regret about breaking his family apart. It just seems like he has forgotten about the whole thing. But, he is probably just trying to move forward at this point. And here I am still getting stuck on the way. I know talking this out with others is really helping.

I absolutely appreciate your opinion. THANK YOU

Wow Finally - I really never thought about it that way - I just assumed because he does not seem as depressed or angry as me, then he is just not feeling remorse. Good point - I also should not jump to those conclusions.

HK,

Our pastor gave us an interesting way to look at it. Once my FWW finally came clean and confessed to all she had done he looked at her and said "It feels good, doesn't it? To be free of those things - the weight has been lifted hasn't it?"
She replies "Very much so."
He says to her "What has been lifted from you now falls onto your husband's shoulders. Don't forget that."

For me, that made a lot of sense. Her relief was my nightmare in so many ways. I carry that weight because I have little choice. The truth is the truth and cannot be avoided. I'm grateful for her honesty - it allowed us to remain married and push ahead with the restoration of our relationship. I still have days where that knowledge weighs heavily on me.

I THINK that's the kind of thing you're talking about isn't it. (I'm sure I haven't worded this very well.)

well, unfortunately moving forward is the only thing we can do. but moving forward does NOT mean assuming all should be forgiven and forgotten. i'm not saying that is what you should do, and if your H really understands how wrong he was, how much he hurt you, i doubt that is what your H thinks you should do either.

and for whatever insight this might give you, i can tell you what i want.

I want my H to be able to feel happy again.

i want him to feel my love.

i want him to know how truely sorry i am for all i have done and all the pain i have brought him.

and most of all i don't want to bring him anymore pain. but i don't know how to do that. am i not talking enough about how torn up i am inside?? or does telling him how bad i feel only pressure him.

i want to support him.

so please assume nothing and just tell your H what you need from him in order to move forward to. ok?

FK,

what you say is true. when i confessed i did have that burden taken off my shoulders. and it did feel good. it felt good because doing that was the only way left i had to love him, does that make any sense. it was the only good thing in me that i had left to give him. my honesty.

but don't think that i or your W or any truely remorseful FWS was left with no burden. that is just not true.

[quote]HK,
"What has been lifted from you now falls onto your husband's shoulders. Don't forget that."

oh and FK, congrats on the birth of your DD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry - Not sure how to do the quote thing -

Anyway - I totally understand that quote. As does my H, we talked about that almost everyday for the first month.

I am extremely thankful for his honesty. Without it things are impossible to move forward. We have both been very honest about how we are feeling now. Sometimes we both get sidetracked with everyday things, but we are sure trying. It seems harder for me to move forward, but like you said this burden is new for me.

FL- I agree with you that she still carries a burden. He was pointing out to her that there are two sides to confession. One side helps to lighten the load but that load has to go somewhere. The knowledge that your S has been lying and cheating for 3 years is a heavy burden to be saddled with. He was justifying my pain and at the same time making sure she realized that it has to fall somewhere. Calling her to be sensitive to my feelings and understanding of the load I was then carrying.

Again - I think we're on the same page here. I'm just having a really hard time expressing it well.

I have noticed - and I'm not looking for a fight at all (nobody take it this way please) that it SEEMS easier for the FWS to move ahead than the BS. Almost as if the BS has been anchored to some point in time and it's hard and slow going dragging that anchor along. I've traded my big anchor for a somewhat smaller version and hope to continue to reduce its size but am I the only one who's had that feeling?

*The above statements are not meant to be insensitive to the burden and pain of a repentant FWS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Thank you very much! She is beautiful and it's fun to be back in baby mode again. What a miracle it is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FK - Good way to say it about the anchor. That makes a ton of sense. That is exactlly how I have been feeling. You couldn't have worded it better!!

HK,

Yes - I'm guessing it's a common feeling for BS's. Some deal with it better than others. I confess I'm not all that good at it. I'm trying though.

I'm With Ya!!

I agree about the anchor - if I could just downsize my anchor a little... I really am the one keeping us from moving forward by not doing so.

FK, i agree, i think we are on the same page. i know my burden was forced on to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

NOTHING you have said was insensitive.

as much as it might seem like we can or want move forward easier, we can't. or at least i can't. i don't want to. i would rather live in h*ll with him than in heaven without him. ever see What Dreams May Come? i saw that years ago, and even then, before all this mess, i always felt i would have made the same choice as Robin Williams.

i am sorry that my H has the anchor he has. i truely want to help pull the weight and ideally help make it smaller.

maybe what i am getting here is the only way to do that is to slow down and just stay next to his side.