why is it that one day I feel as if our love can conquer the world and the next I'm not sure if we will make it through the day. He doesn't have to do anything wrong, we don't fight, we don't argue, the "subject" will not even have been brought up. He says he doesn't know how else to prove his love for me, but I am stuck with the feeling that he just doesn't love me enough or the A would not have taken place. I wouldn't be living this nightmare.

He says he had turned into a person that he did not like. It just took him to long to realize it. That he is changing, and I see alot of changes, I really do, and I like them, and I feel like they are for real.

D-Day was 6mo ago. The OC is due next mo. and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I tried to talk about moving out, we have two houses, its not like I don't have somewhere to go, but he won't even discuss it with me. I really feel in my heart that he is sincere when he says he made a mistake and I believe that he is being faithful to me now and has no intentions of ever doing this again. Why can't I move on? I really feel like our life could be great if I could only "get past the past". He says I dwell on the past. I don't know how to do anything else, it is my life we are talking about.

How do I do this?

jmims, The OC is bound to be a big hurdle in your recovery because it hurts so much. It is an added layer to the A that some BS's just cannot overcome. 6 months is about the typical time in the recovery process for the BS to go through exactly what you are feeling right now. My best suggestion is this:

1. Accept that the A was not about you.
2. Open a thread on GQ2 to get some good advice on what you are feeling

God blessings on you.

*sigh*

We're all there with you... I, too, wonder why it is so hard for some of us too "move on".

I don't think it means that we will ever forget. How could we ?

I don't think it means that we are shallow and simply don't care if we get "past" this. others do.

I don't feel that mistakes are not to be forgiven.So, why don't we ?

*hug* for you... I hope you realize how you are not alone.

I see such positive changes as well...and sometimes, I am even glad in a small way that this has happened. As awful as it has been, there is good coming...

I see that more and more everyday.

You have a long month ahead of you, my friend... Take it on together (you and H) and show him what you are made of in a very positive manner.

Come here to dwell with us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />... and be supportive at home.

He needs you... even though that makes us grumble.

Blessings,

Eibrab

eibrab,

I know what you mean by glad in a small way.
The A was already "over" when H found out about the OC. Things were okay between us, and I had no idea. If it had not been for OC, I probably would have never found out, and I wonder how often H would have strayed, because he had "gotten away with it". I told the OW one time that I hoped that one day I could look at this OC and say it was the best thing that ever happened to my marriage. She didn't like that much, guess it didn't leave her much hope.

This is what it took to act as a "wake up call" for my H. I don't know that we would have lasted otherwise. It is all just so hard to swallow.

I continue to pray for peace and for God to lead me through it. I know he will, I just wonder sometimes if he's telling me I should walk away. I know that adultury is grounds for D to be okay in Gods eyes, and it is so hard to tell what he is telling me to do. I vowed to grow old with the man I married, and me being the type person I am, swallowed alot in the past few years to stick out that promise. When I found out, about the A, I was determined to make it work. It was my chance for my H to be what I wanted him to be. Now that he's willing and trying, I don't know if it is what will make me happy.

jmims, You seem to be in a similar place that I was. A was over, I may not have found out. I had already dealt with a lot of crap from him (nothing like this) in the previous years, but I felt I had done all I could and that D was definitely an option I could live with.

If I were you I would say to make no life decisions right now. The baby is not yet here. Give your H a chance, follow your heart and see what happens. For me, it was easier when the baby came. I was able to watch H and OW interact together and could see that is was over, more than just hear it.

I think trying to figure it all out right now is not a good idea. Listen, keep your eyes and heart open and see what happens. My H has proved himself in my eyes and though the emotion is not still there, we still talk about the A every now and then. It's been 16 months since DDay for me. My H still reassures me when I ask, "what were you thinking?". Like your H, my H feels he was in a "bad space", we were separated at the time, but I was under the impression that we were trying to "work things out" and we were still sexually active, although not as often. The A started 2 months after he left and lasted for about 2 months, I was out of town for a good month of that.

I guess my point is that there are different kinds of cheaters, some who are just prone and "justified", some who fell in "love" and some who just made a horrible, hurtful, selfish choice and live to regret it. Perhaps your H is the latter. Keep reaching out to him, try to keep your emotions in check and stick around. Chin up!

One Day at a Time....Pray and be as supportive as you can. Ask God to help you...it is tough......am going thru similar emotions but there is no OC.....I can only imagine what you all are going through. Even though my WH has had NC with OW (EA) and things are going good,and I am 99.9% sure the A is over, and I can see changes for the better, I feel some days I don't even know if I want to continue this M. Some days I actually feel a huge void inside. Now that I am getting quite a bit better myself, taking care of myself, I look at him and all the pain he has caused me and I think to myself, "Well self, was this worth it?" I guess it is not the time to make any life changing decisions. March 30, 2005 was my D Day. But we went through 6 months of H--- after that with fog and babble and denials and then confirmations of A from H and then more denials. And then some temper tantrums in Dec. as because of me he gave up a "good friend" and it was "perfectly innocent". I look at him now and truthfully don't know how I feel at times about my own H!! My take on it is that this is probably a very normal phase of recovery? I myself am just trying to "go with the flow". Hang in People!!

Tare

I think that for me things got tougher as it got closer and closer to the due date of the OC. It was because it just made things more "real". It was one thing to talk about the OC in the abstract, as an idea...thought...etc. But, now the reality of a living being was getting closer and closer.

Jmims -

I feel the same exact way as you do. One day I'll look over at him and think, "my God, I love this man." - other times, I'll look over and think, "how in the world can he think we can get over this?" -

It's those conflicting emotions that run a toll on me. My H can always tell when my mood shifts slightly. He can read my body language that well - even the subtle body language *sigh*.

I always tell him nothing but he'll come over and sit down and ask me what he could do to make it all go away. Whenever he says that, I feel like screaming at him all the nasty horrible thoughts that float around in my head but he is trying and I try and remember that.

I try and remember that I'm not the only one going through pain. I have to remember that he's going through pain and guilt also and I know that everytime he looks at me, he realizes what he almost lost.

He's never been one to "talk" out his emotions and he's not one to talk about about this problem. I think that's the hardest part for me. I have millions of questions running through my mind but I also know that asking them constantly will not help me through this but keep me in some sort of standstill with this situation.

He did tell me last nite (we tend to do our more heart to heart talks laying in bed right before we fall asleep) that the thoughts of me leaving him crushes him. Crushes him - I never heard him say anything like that before. He said he worries every day whether this is the day that I reach my breaking point and he's scared that he's not doing what he needs to do. It's funny to me to hear him talk about being scared because he's this big man that's NEVER suppose to be scared but I'll admit, and I hate it, but there was this small satisfaction in hearing him say that. I've been scared for so long now that it's nice to hear that he's feeling the same way.

Things are going good though -

Take one step at a time. Be supportive of one another - stand strong and I always think, that once we're past this - there's probably not anything we won't be able to conquer. It's the same for you both.

Good luck with all and remember we're all here!

This site is a God send for me - truly, each and every one of these ladies have wonderful advice from the heart and I thank God for them every day!

hi!
just want you to know that we are on the same boat. They say its but normal --- we are in a emotional roaller coaster ride, there are days when everything's fine and there are days when we feel so paranoid - i guess its because we are still unsure of the effect the OC's existence will bring to our lives, to our family - especially our FWH.

Here's my advice for you which was also advised to me by people who'd been in this stage before: hang on - these are just trials which will soon pass, pray and trust God more, read and read articles in this forum coz they do helped a lot

Hi
First time posting but I wanted to share some things that have truly helped me start to move on. My D-Day was 11/20/05 with the OC's DD on 7/15/06. So yeah, my situation is still a bit fresh. I am not sure how I will feel closer to the baby being born but here is what is working for me now: The first and foremeost (for me anyway) is that I truly had to forgive my FWH from my heart. Without that true forgiveness I wasn't able to even think about beginning to rebuild our marriage. true forgiveness is hard to find in a situations like these but that kind of forgiveness can set your heart and soul at ease so you can focus on whats really important. I too was weighed down by the emotions of the affair and if I wanted to continue our marriage, but after discussions with my H and some soul-searching of my own, I was able to forgive. Now for the OW, forgiveness won't come easily for her lol. But as mentioned before just take one day at a time. The most important thing I have learned from this site is people and marriages can survive things like this. You WILL be OK. There is hope and take comfort in the great people on here who can relate to you.

Take Care!