Alison, anything you do regarding exposure will not be welcomed by the WS so just expect it.

p.s and she probably didn't kick you under the bus, like Jerry said, the WS makes this crap up to get you to stop exposing.

Mark her name off your Christmas Card list and get on with it, Alison. It's not important. As for what your husband thinks...he's not capable of processing information and communicating rationally on the subject of his OW right now. So when are you going to expose to OWH? Get moving. You've made a start; now carry through and work hard on this.

Just a question: did you record that conversation?

No - I don't have the phone recorder thingy. And - Longhorn - I already spoke to OWH and he already hired a PI and all that crap - so he know. They are separated as well, and he doesn't care anymore... Besides OWH wants to see my H rot in He11...

He said that if he was doing anything that only he could make it stop - no one else...
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I've heard those same words from an alcoholic when I tried telling her that her drinking was affecting her job performance .... Addict words. Don't believe them.

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I hate this woman for telling him that stuff. I am not money hungry, or a bit*h... I have told H that I feel like i have no control and I just want help from the people that love us...
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Even if your husband got her exact words and repeated them when he talked to you, so what? Not everybody has a clear moral compass. There are people who support extra marital affairs. People's true colors are going to come out.
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He is so not angry enough though... I said he was angry, but too calm... What does that mean??
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I don't know. Don't worry about him. He is very unhappy about your actions.

Close your eyes and imagine a snail in your mind's eye. Now pour salt into a bucket. Snail goes into the bucket. Imagine the snail crawling over a pile of sand. Horrible effect. Same type of thing that happens to an exposed affair. Exposure is the salt poured on the snail.

Ok 2 + 2 = 4 got that. He is upset because eveyone is looking at him like a scumbag. Great - in an office people notice things but have you ever noticed when the real truth about something comes out everyone starts talking.....Its true what we thought its true his wife called and they are having an A!!!!!!! Spreads quicker than a forrest fire. It will be talked about for days. So he is embarassed - he got caught. She got caught -so now they will try to cover it up -but they are to late for that.
He is going to be angry, upset, scared ect. He will pull everything he can on you now to make you scared. Smile and say OH Honey what is it???? Hmmmmmm really?? Why would they think that -thought you said nothing happened???
Relax honey -its working.

My apologies, Alison. I'd forgotten that. Did your attorney subpoena that tape, btw? If not, why not? The next step would seem to be the HR supervisor at work, right? Press on. Strike while the iron is hot, as they say.

Can't get the tape until there is an open divorce case...

H emailed, called me by my first name (never does that unless he is pissed) and asked if we could discuss some things tonight... Gosh darn it - I want the friggin truth already!!!!! Lord - can I wait until 830??? I am dying to know what he is going to say.

I am sure he already has spoken to Traci, so she has probably filled his head with things to say..

I just need to be calm and not reactive... Can he get me for slander by calling these people???

Alison,

I think that you were not quite prepared for exposure...

There are two basic things to consider:
1. Marriage thrives on openess and honesty
2. Affairs thrive on secrecy, lies, and deceit

Don't expect everyone to take a "side" or come to your or your marriage's rescue. The main point in exposure is to make the affair uncomfortable, embarassing, and more trouble than it was worth.

Before and shortly after D-Day few WS feel ashamed of what they have done... they only feel ashamed that people know. Sad, but true.

Important for you now is to remain cool, distanced, even slightly indignated. Even if you don't feel that way act it. Never apologize for exposure ... bite your tongue, hum a tune and walk away. Study up on reverse babble.

Your WS obviously thinks his behavior is alright, otherwise he would not continue it and if his betrayal is just fine, why is he so determined to keep it a secret?

If you really want exposure to work, don't waste your time fretting over some piddly ex-employee ... expose to someone for whom you both hold high esteem, someone your WS respects and admires, someone that possibly has some moral influence...

Get out the big weapons NOW hon, and meanwhile study up on plan A.

I need to take notes tonight, I swear. He must be feeling the pressure. Either H is going to come clean (doubtful) or he is going to tell me that he doesn't want "this" anymore...

If he tells me he doesn't want "this", then what??

Allison,
Shock and awe. Plain and simple. The affair needs to feel the shock of exposure! Employer so they can aid in keeping them seperated or take some other appropriate action. His parents. OWH because he deserves to know. Mutual friends because you may be able to count on some of them. It is a dirty little secret that will no longer be a secret.
Kill it now and get on with it.

I remember how scary the exposure aspect could be. Realize though, she DID help you!! Who cares if she said anything about your supposed reasons behind it? Your only concern is ending the affair.

I can guarantee you that no matter what she said, your husband would be saying the exact same things. He would think it's because your vindictive and cruel and blah blah blah. Nothing he says should make a difference to you right now because he is following the exact same script as every other exposed WS. I know it's hard but that's the reality. Expect him to hate you for it. It's part of ending the affair.

One thing that helped me was something that a person from MB told me: His being angry (for ANY reason) is as riduculous as a bank robber getting mad at the teller for calling the police.

I told him that one day and he shut up about my being so mean and vindictive. I used that as an example when he told me I shouldn't include others in our personal business, that I shouldn't bring OW's parents or commanders into the situation...everything.


It doesn't matter why he thinks you did it. You ARE trying to save your marriage. Not much of what he says right now has any basis in reality. This is just more of the same.

Thank the woman for telling him. She did you and your marriage a favor. He'll get over this. He's simply ashamed and trying to throw the blame anywhere but in his corner.

Keep up the good work. Pat yourself on the back and go forward.

FIM

I saw this after I posted.

If he tells you that you tell him that you don't want 'this' either. You want a better marriage.

Be prepared for him to tell you that you screwed up any chance by showing your true money hungry vindictive colors.

Smile and tell him you love him.

Don't get angry or yell or cry.

Tell him over and over that you believe in your marriage and will fight for it. Don't apologize for exposing (EVER). Tell him you love him and your marriage means more to you than what others think. Over and over again tell him you are going to fight for your marriage. Do this lovingly. Don't let him ruffle you.

You're the only sane one that is going to be present in the conversation.

FIM

He just called and was mopey and wants to talk... I asked him if he thought it was over and he said He will let me know...

If he says he wants it over what should I say... Just let him go??

I don't know why you'd jump to the conclusion that he is mopey because he wants to be done with you. It could be that exposure has embarassed them and OW is annoyed with him because of you.

Plan A and reverse babble is still where you should be.

You shouldn't be cowering in the corner or defeated and pathetic. Be your best self, as upbeat as possible. Not morous and depressed acting. Be firm, calm, centered, sane, and caring.

Allison,
Maybe he's mopey because the exposure is ruining his fantasy. Or, maybe he wants to talk about coming home.

In Love Must Be Tough, by Dobson, I think there are formulas for dealing with a WS who wants out of the marriage. They include opening the cage door and allowing the bird to fly away.

One of our success stories (lostva) told her husband (who was living with the OW and OW's littleun, who had talked about marrying OW - soulmate and adopting the child) said to him that she loved him and she just wanted him to be happy.

She didn't say "... with me" or "in our marriage" - just that she wanted for him was that he would be happy. That was pure genius. It worked for her. He was back together with her, if I remember right, before the week was out. Their marriage last we heard from her is still happy, recovered, and intact.

It's not over yet. And anyway, you get to decide if you want him back. On your terms, now.

Heck no. And stop asking him if "its over." Stop giving him ideas. If he says "its over" tell him its not over for you and its not over as long as you are married. You are still married, remind him.

I must honestly say that I have given so much of my energy to this that if he does want to "fly away" I will just have to let him. I have to take care of #1 and that is my DD and me...

I will be calm...I am a bit numb, so I promise I will be calm... I am just going to let him do all the talking... I think if I say nothing, he will say more...

I do know that if he is a=having an A that this won't stop him... He will want to fly - I know him believe me... He will cop out saying that he just can't take it anymore so that he can be with OW...

I just feel that when he says that to me, and I know he will, that I must just let him go.

good advice from Trix!!!

Read the carrot and stick of Plan A!

Exposure is not backfiring, my dear, it is beginning its work.