I normally post on the pregnancy/child board, but was advised to post here when I done my last post. I have coppied that post and put it here. any advice would be great. I love my H so much, but I have developed a fear that I just don't know haw to handle.

why is it that one day I feel as if our love can conquer the world and the next I'm not sure if we will make it through the day. He doesn't have to do anything wrong, we don't fight, we don't argue, the "subject" will not even have been brought up. He says he doesn't know how else to prove his love for me, but I am stuck with the feeling that he just doesn't love me enough or the A would not have taken place. I wouldn't be living this nightmare.

He says he had turned into a person that he did not like. It just took him too long to realize it. That he is changing, and I see alot of changes, I really do, and I like them, and I feel like they are for real.

D-Day was 6mo ago. The OC is due next mo. and it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. I tried to talk about moving out, we have two houses, its not like I don't have somewhere to go, but he won't even discuss it with me. I really feel in my heart that he is sincere when he says he made a mistake and I believe that he is being faithful to me now and has no intentions of ever doing this again. Why can't I move on? I really feel like our life could be great if I could only "get past the past". He says I dwell on the past. I don't know how to do anything else, it is my life we are talking about.

How do I do this?

jmims, glad you moved over here to get some help. Change your post title to something like need help with recovery or something like that to get some attention.

what is he doing to help recovery? what is he willing to do to help you get over the past?

He has changed his way of life. He does everything with me & our DD (4yrs old). He used to do everything on his own. He is willing to do anything that I ask. I just don't know what to ask for. I don't have a clue what will make me feel better. I don't know how to move on. Any advice?

Well, recovery takes some time. You are still early in this. I think the fact that there is an OC coming is making your situation extremely difficult.

For most, when the affair is over, there are few memories of the OW. In your case, that is not true. Furthermore there will be memories of the affair for years to come.

It sounds to me like your husband is trying to do the right things. It just takes more time.

Have the two of you agreed on whether to have contact with the OC? Is he going to get paternity testing?

jmims, you are going through a normal, healthy recovery. You have experienced a traumatic shock and you will not get over it over night. Your moods will go up and down; you will feel anger, revulsion, sadness, grief; you will feel like a "chump" for settling some days. That is called RECOVERY.

But as long as your H is doing what it takes to repair the damage, you should not worry. You are supposed to be going through all this.

For me, my absolute worst time was at the 8 month mark, and I notice many others hit a bad wall right around that time. It is when the relief of saving your marriage wears off and sheer fury sets in. I wanted to kick his [censored] to the curb during that phase. I told him I had settled for a "low man," etc. I was terrible!! But thank the good Lord, we stuck it out, because after that phase, I started feeling calmer and started going longer periods where I didn't think about it.

I would liken an affair and/or divorce to the pain of losing a child. It takes TIME to recover. So hang in there, and come here and vent to us. It will get better!

Just keep doing what you are doing!

Hi Jmims,

It might be helpful for both you and your fws to fill out EN Questionere, here on this website.

This will help you to identify your most important emotional needs, so that your fws will have an idea how to make you happy.

The same goes for you finding out what emotional needs are important to fws.

You are so lucky, you have a fws that is not only desiring a fully recovered marriage but is willing to put in the effort to make positive changes to achieve this.

Hang in there.

K.D.'s Heartbreak

there will difinately be paternity testing ASAP, even though we are 99.999% sure it is his. that way there will never be a question. We will have contact with OC.

The fury is kind of what i think I'm going through. I tell my H constantly that I have always settled for less than what made me happy and I'm not willing to do it anymore. That scares him, because I'm also telling him that I'm not happy, He's not doing enough for me. and I know that he is trying so hard. I just can't keep my emotions straight.

I said I couldn't walk away without saying "I tried" and I am trying, I just can't figure my life out anymore. I have such a problem seeing my future that we had so planned out.
I hope things get easier after the OC is born.

Of course you don't want to settle for less. In fact you don't want to settle for the marriage you had before the affair. See if you and your husband can do some talking about having a marriage that is much better than before.

Include what it would look like, what changes need to be made, how you will get there together.

jmims...

Have you seen your doctor about getting on some antidepressant meds to help get you through this? It might help round off the sharpest edged corners...maybe it's something for you to consider, no? I do hope it helps you to know that you are completely normal in your feelings where this is concerned.

Best,


Mrs. Wondering

Whatever you do, please don't make any decisions about this until you have given it at least a year. While you are angry right now, you won't be in 6 months. Your feelings are temporary, but divorce is permanent. It's very possible that you can have a wonderful marriage in a year if you stick this out.

Keep coming here and use us as a sounding board.

thanks guys! Glad to hear people who have expierienced this say that it is normal to feel the way I am, and we still have hope. I really do want things to work and I know that loving the OC will not be a problem for me. Its just accepting the whole situation.