Hi everyone, new to the boards, my first post - hope to hear from you guys!!!
My story is this: my mother-in-law is terrible to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She treats me like dirt and always says nasty things about me to my husband when I'm not around. Then he comes home and tells me and is really distraught at how she feels so ill toward me for no reason. He doesn't understand it. I don't either. My family & friends have seen her around me and they say she is jealous of me. Regardless of what the reason is, I'm at my wit's end, I can't handle it anymore, I am newly married, and it has been over 2 years of dealing with underhanded comments and behaviour on her part and me just smiling through it all, ignoring it for my husband's sake. (because he asked me to) I told him "I'm done". He is mad at me that I can't just deal with it and be the better person. I just can't anymore, I have feelings too! I am looking for advice from all you pros out there, to let me know how to approach this situation. Things to say, how to tell her, etc. I would really appreciate it. I am going to confront her for my husband's sake. I personally would rather ignore her and never see her again but I feel that would be selfish. Please let me know any advice..thank you so much!

I am pretty new as well. I have been posting here and there, but mainly just reading people's opinion.

My MIL could care less for me as well. I believe what needs to happen is that your husband needs to stop his mom from talking about you! If not, it will continue.
My mother also had issues with her MIL. One day my grandmother tried to speak badly about my mother and my dad put his foot down and ever since then my grandmother has not said anything about her...good or bad!
I also recommend that you talk to her about it and see what the problem is. Some mothers are funny about their sons. Is he the only child? Is he the youngest?
Also they tend to have the mindset of "noone will ever be good enough for my son"! I know...very stupid, but it happens.
Your husband just expecting you "to deal with it" is not fair. Yes, it is his mom and she should be treated with respect. HOWEVER, she is not respecting you at all right now and you need to nip that in the bud! She is a woman first before she is your MIL!
That is pretty much all the advice I have. I hope things work out for you!
Take care,

Ferra

Isn't it sad..that this happens to so many of us..same thing happened to my mom, too. When I was 10 years old, I remember telling my grandmother that I didn't appreciate how much she hurt my mother..I don't think she has said a word about her since.

My husband told me that he defends me and says she is wrong about all the horrible things she says, he can't understand it. I think you're right, it's something about him being her only son etc. but it is not an excuse. The funny thing about all of this is that she is treating me badly probably because she is so over-protective of him, yet he loves me a lot and this is tearing him up inside..if she knew how much she hurt him, I'm sure she would feel guilty (although judging from her behaviour I don't know if she even has a conscience). She talks badly about everyone behind their backs (every time I see her she's stabbing someone else in the back).

Anyway sorry that you are dealing with this..how long have you been married?

I need some tips on what to say to her, and how to approach her..she is really overly emotional so I don't want her running to her room to slam the door (she did that one other time)...

Thanks!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've only been married 3 years. Before I got married my mom gave my alot of advice in dealing with the in laws.
His mother never liked me from the beginning. I could just tell. I never heard her say anything, but it was those looks and sneaky little remarks she used to say. If she did say anything about me it was behind my back. She knows that I have a strong bite and I'm not afraid to use it.

Just approach her with all the best intentions. Be nice, but firm in what you have to say. You are both adults and if she decides to not act like one(running to her room and slamming the door) so be it. You did what you were suppose to do. It would be better if you and your husband sat down with her together and hash it out. She needs to know how this is affecting him as well.

You do not want this to happen to your children(them hearing that grandma hates mom) the same way it happened to you when you were growing up!

She sounds lonely and jealous! Most of the time when you find people that love to talk about everyone else they are not happy at all. I do not call my MIL. NO interaction what so ever. In ignoring her she always wants to know what I am doing. It is sad because I know that I will never have a honest, loving relationship with her. I can't be around someone so negative, fake and not willing to see what they are doing to the rest of the family. She probably needs to go talk to someone.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this, but I have to admit that it is nice to talk to someone who is going through the same thing.

I already told my husband that I want him there too.. (when I speak to her). He is not thrilled at the whole idea..but I told him it has to be done. I asked him a long time ago to do this with me (have a talk with her and get it all in the open) but it was because of his request that we put it off that I haven't. I knew it would ruin our wedding too..she would do something like not show up. So, now is the time. We are buying a new house and she keeps putting it down, saying we never should have bought such a large house..he tells me how what she says hurts him. She is not supportive of anything we do (I think it's because she is not in control anymore). She is very controlling, I am starting to see that she controls him through guilt. She is always pulling out the waterworks.

So, I guess you never see your MIL? I wish I never had to see mine...

Gosh, I wish I had advice for you. I think you are doing the right thing tho, by confronting her (with your husband) It really needs to be done, for you and your husband's sake. If not, you will only hold onto those bad feelings about MIL and inevitably it will affect (if it hasn't already) your relationship with hubby. I can sort of relate because my mom did/said some things to my husband a few years ago that she should have apologized for and never did. My husband, out of respect for me, didn't demand an apology from her and just let it all go. To this day tho, he still is VERY hurt by what she said. And still holds that over my head. Being her daughter, I have a difficult time confronting my mom about anything that could possibly hurt her feelings so I never made an issue about it, even tho it wasn't right that she did that to my husband. Your husband is probably terrified thinking about how his mom will react. I know I would be. You are doing what is best for you two and that is awesome. Good luck with it. I hope something good comes out of it.

Dear CrossMyHeart,

I don't even know where I should start..............well......my MIL has always badmouthed me. She has always tried to "get rid" of me but it "never" happened.

I met my husband when I was 14yo and he was 17yo. She was more than sure that this would "never" work out but as the years passed and we were still together, her resentment towards me grew.

We have known each other since 30+ years and we've just celebrated our 25th Anniversary.
We've brought up 2 wonderful children during this time and we've been working in our own business successfully for the past 23 years. We've rebuilt and renovated a house and the result is that this house is a real "eye-catcher". We are prowd of what we achieved together.

My husband had an afair somewhat over 5 years ago and we've made it through this too. Doesn't this show that we are a great team and that there must be some kind of "love" involved???? I'd definately say "yes"!!!!

Well, now to my story. This was "NEVER" true for my MIL.
(she lives in her own appartment in our house)
She has always "bad-mouthed" me towards my children.

When I believed that it was something precious to have a "grandmother" always around, I never was aware that she was my worse enemy!!!!

I had terrible problems with my children and I was never aware "why"!!!! She told my kids that I was dirty, didn't cook right, I was lazy, I was not honest......and and and......

She bad-mouthed me towards anyone that would even listen and I was never really aware of it!!!! I felt that something was NOT right for most of the years but I couldn't put my finger on to it!!!! (I'm talking about 30 years!!!)

When I tried to talk to my husband, he'd push it away. He didn't "see" the point and he didn't understand that this was painfull for me. He didn't understand that this had a great affect on our relationship and that it influenced our complete "family life".
I felt hurt and I didn't feel like my husband #1 Woman for most of the years of our marriage.

But..................it has now changed!!!!! There was an incident just before Xmas and this "blew it all"!!!!

My MIL freaked out completely. I still don't understand why it came to this but I know how to react to it now!!!!!

My MIL screamed at me and finally she blew her top!!!! She called me a lyer, she wished me that I would just be gone and she wished that my husband would of left me to rott when he had his affair!!!!
This came out of the blue!!!! There was NO reason for this at all and this was when I said: NO!!!!!

I talked to my husband immediately and this was when he realized that it was up to "him" to draw a line!!!!(not my job)

He talked to his mother and he made it clear that "Blondblossom" was #1 in his life and that he would NOT take this kind of treatment!!!!
He talked to his mother alone......I was NOT present and I didn't want to be there either.

Since then he has had 2 more serious talks with his mother and I have broken off all contact with her.

I have always tried my best to please her but I am now aware that it never worked nor will it ever work. She has NOT learned to let go of her son. (he's the youngest of 5)

I will NEVER be the DIL that she wanted for him. She will never see me for who I truely am because she doesn't want to.

I have learned to accept this and I'm feeling better with each day.

I have left it open for my childen (26yo + 23yo) and my husband to have contact with her because I believe that this is their choice.......but they don't seem to want the contact anymore either.

I will NOT bad-mouth my MIL but I will no longer put myself into the situation to "hear" her bad-mouthing me any longer.

My husband and I talked about this whole situation many times since then and he definately sees that he should of put his foot down from the beginning on. Due to the fact that he avoided conflict throughout the years made this situation "blow up".

I finally feel like the #1 woman in his life since he truely stood up for me!!!!!
This is sadely the worse problem for his mother.........

You can read alot of things in the web concerning MIL problems......there are also lots of books concerning this problem. Please speak to your husband about this and take it seriously because MANY marriages have failed due to this conflict!!!!

hugs
bb

I was talking to my friend the other day about my situation (she always gets the latest news!) She suggested that I just stop attending all of their family functions (they have one on average every 2 - 3 weeks) I only missed one event once and the MIL started making up her own conclusions, saying that I don't care about my husband's family etc. (to my husband), so I haven't dared to miss one since.

Anyway, my friend's advice was to stop attending their functions and to let the topic come up between my husband and his mother. Friend said that it's not my battle; she said it has nothing to do with me. It's just that MIL doesn't want someone else winning his love; she wants it all for herself. Okay, so part of me can understand where she is coming from - not saying it's right or rational though.

So I guess I am going to let it come up between them. But what do I do when there is extended family involved..what about my birthday, his birthday etc. (both in March). Friend said I shouldn't go to anything anymore, but I don't want to hurt H.

What do I do???

How did your husband react about this??? It would be his duty to stand up for you in this situation and to keep you safe. If he holds back he is making this situation "possible" for your MIL and she will feel safe to continue to "bad-mouth" you.

BTW: If these "family get togethers" don't make you feel good, you have the freedom to stay away without feeling guilty!!!!


I agree completely with you friend. If your husband doesn't make it clear to his mother that you are #1 in his life, the situation will drag on until it might explode someday.
He will be keeping the door open for his mother to put pain onto the woman he loves........."you".
It is up to your husband to "change his behaviour" and to set clear boundaries, to keep you safe!


Due to the fact that my MIL has never accepted me into her life and because she has never really "let go" of her son, I think it doesn't have much to do with "me". I'd say that these types of MIL's have a deep problem within themselves......... they are intolerant, egoistic and very self-centered.
In my situation, the only thing that is now working is a strikt Plan B.



Ther most important thing you can do is to talk to your husband. I printed our some things I found in the internet concerning "Mother in Law + Daughter Inlaw Problems" and I showed them to my husband. This is when he started to really understand the true problem.

Throughout the years before, he thought that I was exagerating and just complaining. He didn't see the real issue..............When he read it, it started to sink in and he understood what I had been going through all the years before.

If this is all spoken out between your husband and you, no one will be hurt!!!!

My husband and I have learned that we cannot change MIL but we can change our behaviour. We have "backed off" from family gatherings because as long as MIL bad-mouths anyone, we don't feel good about it.

This is not easy to do and we had alot of talks about it but we know that it is important for "us"!!!!!!

bb

If you're not afraid of her physically, then confront her one on one. That way you can clear everything up, and it would let her know just how you feel about her. She would then think twice about doing the things she has been doing, now knowing that you are a stand-up woman.

One thing to say mother don't like other women with their sons thats it thats all. unless you are who they pick for them

Hi guys,

So H told me the other day that he was going to his mother's for dinner last night, where I was NOT invited. Mind you, I didn't want to go anyway, but isn't that rude that she didn't invite me?

I sort of can't believe that H doesn't say anything to her about this sort of thing...he makes me mad sometimes..sometimes I really don't feel protected by him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I was lead here by a good friend of mine, for reasons that I will get into later :-) I was drawn to this thread based on the title alone! My MIL is driving a serious wedge in my marriage. I can relate to everything you've all posted. Quick background...my H is the youngest, was a "surprise" and has been adored by all around him since the day he entered the world. Since I entered the picture over 7 yrs ago, she has, in a very sneaky manner, done whatever she can to drive us apart. From encouraging him to get back together with his ex GF(when I was within earshot in another room) to having the ex's parents up to the cottage on a regular basis and discussing our relationship with them, to talking down to me when H wasn't within earshot, to changing her tone and demeanor as soon as he entered it, to telling my oldest daugher that she and my youngest aren't "real sisters" to constantly talking behind my back (to my SIL no less, who probably dislikes MIL more than I do...for similar reasons). After the comment was made to my daughter at christmas, I snapped on my husband and told him that if he didn't handle her, I would and I wouldn't be an ounce bit diplomatic about it either. She overheard that I was upset and lied to my H's face by telling him that she didnt' say those things. Her own husband told me what she had said, as did my daughter, so enough is enough lady! Anyway, he sided with her saying that we needed to be sympathetic to what she was going through (she had a stage 1 tumor in her breast removed 6 weeks prior and was cancer free) and that she would never do anything to purposley hurt me or my oldest. I have never felt so dejected in my life by anyone, let alone the man I vowed my loyalty to for all of eternity (ok - a little dramaish, but you get my point.)

Whoa...now Im ranting...LOL. I get on a role about this woman and I cannot stop! She calls my house now and wont give me the time of day, just "is "H" there". Lovely.

She too made backhanded compliments when we bought our first house together - called it the "Taj Mahal" to anyone who would listen (hardly the Taj Mahal, it's a modest home, just bigger than hers) - would constantly tell everyone that her son works so hard to provide for me (I make more $$ than he does - well I did before I went back to work part time after the baby) and is always telling me that we can afford a maid if it was too difficult for ME to keep my house clean. (gotta know me to appreciate that last comment - I have two kids, two large dogs and a husband who doesn't know what the dishwasher does - my time away from my job is my time with my kids and my boys...the dogs/husband. They are my priority - not gleaming floors. My house gets cleaned once a week and yes, laundry is not my strong point..haha, but my kids are well adjusted and happy and my dogs ...well, they're dogs, I think my priorities are in line and could care less what she thinks of me, it's the picture that she paints to everyone else that I find so bothersome)

Anyway - I feel your pain!! All of it and then some. H is worried about offending her or "hurting her feelings" if he says anything, so along we walk on this path to self destruction together because she hasnt learned to let go and because she has perfected the art of manipulation. Someone mentioned that there were plenty of posts on the MIL here, so Im off to find them. Nothing else to do..kids are in bed, and the H and I aren't on talking terms right now...give you two guess why?? :-)

and btw CrossMyHeart...yes, very rude - whether you would have accepted the invite or not. You are a part of that family now whether she likes it or not and to not invite you is completely disrespectful. I would have been furious if my H had gone after all of that....