Where do I begin, my W and I have been married for 10 years. She is an avoider and doesn’t like to communicate on any real level. This has caused real problems in our marriage. She has also had intimacy issues with me the entire relationship.

In August, she threw up her hands and said she wanted to leave. She decided she wanted o go to therapy by her self. I found out she was working on getting stronger so she could leave. I couldn’t believe it.

I decided to go to therapy and work on my own issues that might be part of the problem. I finally got her to reluctantly go to couples therapy in September. We have been going since trying to convince her this marriage is worth saving.

This entire time she decided she needed more independent time so I let her take off on Sundays while I watched our 7 year old boy.

She also started work late every night. She moved into the spare bedroom and has been very very distant and cold to me.

She finally admitted she has been having a very passionate affair with a guy at work. He broke up with his girlfriend and wants my W very badly. My wife just turned 40 and we have been married for 10 years. They have been telling each other that they love each other. She is telling me that she does not love me any more BUT she wants me to keep stay in the house and don’t get an attorney just yet. She says she is torn but it would not be fare to work on the marriage when she feels the pull of this guy.

She seems to have no remorse and wanted to continue this affair. In fact, she is moving out and wants to see if the relationship can work. She says she feels very comfortable with him sexually and can talk to him unlike me. On the other hand, I am a roommate and she says she never wants to sleep with me again. She says she wants her own place and doesn’t want to live with him.

She see how hard I have tried to show her I love her and to stay home but she says she needs to do this. I am feeling a little out of control at the moment. I feel so sad for my son. I am from a divorced family and I know the pain. I just don’t get it, she is running away from her issues.

Help.

[color:"black"] [/color]

designguy,

I wish I had some answers for you. I noticed you registered a month ago, so I'm sure you know you're in the right place. It sounds like you've been plan A'ing for a few months? Is it time for a Plan B if she leaves? I don't know the answers, but someone here should be able to give you more insight. Have you spoken to Steve Harley or Jennifer? I'm sure they could help you make a plan.

Good luck, I hope this "bump" will get someone who knows what they're talking about to help.

Dulce

DG,

Welcome to MB...I am sorry that you are going through this..but you have come to the right place to get comfort and help.

Have you read the articles that are available at this sight? Basic concepts? How to do Plan A? What are Love Busters (LB)? What are emotional needs? I know this is a really painful time, but the more that you can get educated on this experience...the more you will help yourself and the recovery of your marriage. It will help you to get strong and prepared for the journey ahead. Getting educated will help you know what lies ahead and avoid making common mistakes and improving the odds of getting back your WS.

Within the first 24 hours of finding out, I found this place and it helped me tremendously. I was devastated like everyone...but I know MB gave our marriage its only chance because it helped me to make the long journey...had it not been for MB...I would have been gone....so you have come to the right place.

Start reading and keep posting....you have alot going for you and you don't know it yet. Your WS's A will come to an end......you need to get ready for that time.

Get an attorney. Separate all accounts and funds immediately.

You can't "negotiate" with or or reason with her...she is deep in the "Fog" and can't see beyond her nose.

There is, from your comments, NO remorse or any indication of ending the affair. All she wants is time to "do what she wants to do."

If you want a chance to save your marriage, the affair must end. It will not end as long as you enable it.

The first order of business is light. Sin loves darkness and secrecy and hates light and truth. Time to expose the affair to those she wouldn't want it revealed to.

Second order of business, after you separate all the money so she no longer has access to joint MARITAL money, is to tell her to either end the affair immediately or pack up and leave right now. Either way, the CHOICE is hers. Marriage does not allow a 3rd person in it.

If you do these things, EXPECT to hear some very dreadful things from her. She is going to try to make YOU the problem and the "unreasonable one." Let it go in one ear and out the other.

Don't be surprised if she chooses to leave. My wife did too. So have many Wayward Spouses (WS) who were lost in the Fog. But it usually doesn't take long before the "shine" wears off the "wonderful cheater" she is involved with as well the impact of her choice she is making on her life, you child's life, and the lives of those other important people in her life.

You need to read up on "Plan B," because I really think it's going to take a total separation and a total ending of all communication to destabilize the affair(based upon your comments of her thoughts and lack of repentance....and to protect YOUR love for her should she begin to realize all that she is losing.

Just out of curiousity, does faith in God play a role in her life. If it does, there may be additional help for you in the form of Church Discipline or other believers who can talk to her.

One thing you CAN say to her that might register is a question. Don't expect an answer, but just plant the seed. "If he will cheat WITH you in total disregard for the covenental vows of marriage, what makes you think he won't cheat ON you if someone else 'lights his fire' sometime?"

It's going to be a long and rocky road. Are you ready? Have made the decision to fight and try to save your marriage? If you are and have, then get ready for a tough road for a while and lean heavily on support from MB, from those who have faced the difficult task you have in front of you and who understand and can help you with support and advice.

God bless.

designguy,

You've got a very, very foggy WS. You've got some good advice on this thread already...
I'd just like to add how important exposure is and how important it is to continue a very good Plan A for a while after the nasty fall out that WS will spew reacting to exposure. The second thing that I would like to add is that if someone leaves the home, it should be the WS --- without the children!

Concentrate on your son. Give him a steady rock to depend on.

If you are having problems with depression, don't be afraid to seek medical therapy. Its not a big deal. My ADs are not addictive and I experience no side effects.

She is yelling at me. I don't understand it. She is so cold to me. This has been going on since August!

I am going to see my doctor today to get something to calm me down. I have been doing great through this though. I have not been angry with her at all. In fact I am going to gets meds today from my doctor.

She just came in my office and said that her parents just sent an email to her and her co-worker lover that they they he is a terrible man and that he is tearing a family apart. She is so angry at them and says I have something to do with it. I don't! Her family has said they have disowned her which doesn't feel right to me but they are supporting me...everyone is.

She says she wants to move out. It's her who wants to pursue him she says. I told her I want her to stay and that she would be coming back to a new relationship if she came back.

I told her she was in a fog and she just told me to F off.
She said, why would you want me around if I don't want to be here? She wants a little apartment by my son's school. She wants her 3 days a week. The rest of the week she will be with him in another city 40 miles away.

My W and I have not been aprt for more than a week in 13 years. I just don't understand how she can just leave like that. It doesn't feel like she will miss me.

She doesn't seem to see what it's doing to my son who is so loving to both of us.

How much should I expose this affair? She might get fired and that wouldn't help me. I email a few of her co-workers.

I've talked to her about his (the cheater) integrity but she won't hear it. I talked to his ex-girlfriend. I asked her if she knew he was sleeping with my wife and she said I don't want to get involved. I asked her, are you still seeing him and she said I don't want to get involved. This guy does want my wife badly. She is being tugged in both directions. I know I have to let her go. Plan A was hard but Plan B is harder especially when we are splitting custody of our son! How do we do that?

DG

Don't leave your home, you can let her leave if she is so determined. Don't pay for or assist her in establishing her love nest.

If you expose her at work, she might get fired. If you don't, she might divorce you. Or you might get fed up with the affair and divorce her. Exposure is the fastest way to end an affair, and that is the best thing for your marriage.

DG,

She will miss you. It seems like things are happening very quickly for you. You need to get some of the Plan B gurus in here to help. But, believe me, she will miss you when she leaves. Stay strong. I can only imagine how hard it is for you right now. My XW's A wasn't quite so in my face.

Take care of your child. Focus on that. Be the best dad you can. Get legal advice specific to your state. If you slip up here, you could lose on the custody/visitation front.

As others have told you, lock down the finances.

-AD

WS's always seek the path of least resistance. That's one reason affairs start. It is easier start a new relationship than to repair an existing one (so they think at the time).

Buy a nice blank notebook. Start writing in it. Write in it each day, Your feelings, if you spoke to your W, what you spoke about. What you are doing to try and improve things. The responce of the W.

If you keep this up you will start to see patterns of what seems to work and what doesn't. It can also be used to protect yourself if the W starts to make up stories about you.

What improvements too yourself are you working on today? Generating greater confidence? Control of your emotions? Anticipating instead of reacting to WS? Working on yourself will benefit you, DS, and ultimatly WS.

In exposing DO NOT give any indication that you are going to do this. That will give the WW & OM time to come with a story to "spin" the exposure and dramatically lessen its effects.

Do expose to everyone all at once. Again if you expose to small group and then another small group it will give time to WW & OM to come up with a cover story and dramatically lessen its effects.

When they are shocked and reeling that are more likely to let a little "truth" slip out.

Your marriage can survive your WW's temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing A.

Stay strong.

DG,

First off...what plan do you have? Have you done plan A? Sounds like you havent because the first order of business is exposure. You must expose to her boss, to her parents, and to her close friends. To your pastor, if you go to church. You must expose to those close to OM also. This is the FIRST order of business. You cant even talk about Plan B without going to Plan A first.

While I agree with ForeverHers about the attorney and money stuff, I disagree with telling her to leave. You havent done a Plan A yet (not areal one with exposure)...and it would be harder without her there. If you want to save your marriage, then never talk about divorce or moving out. Let her do that. Make her do ALL of the heavy lifting. If you want a divorce, then just go see your attorney and do it. You do marriage...your attorney does divorce!

Get busy on exposing. Then do Plan A. We will help you with that as you go. All of the things your WW is saying and doing are typical. Dont read into it. She is an addict, addicted to the OM right now. What she says really isnt the truth. It is just fog talk. You will have to do the right thing, even with her hurting you, if you want her to come out of the fog.

Get started.

In His arms.

I have been doing Plan A for months even before I knew of it. I went to therapy and did a lot changing. I have to say, my wife was not happy in our marriage before this lover showed up (so I think).

She has not changed her tune in months, not once has she broken down and told me she loved me. She has been very cold all our marriage and says this is because she never really loved me. She now knows what love is with her lover.

She told me to let her go and get some dignity this morning. I can’t believe she is going to loose everything for this guy. She says she doesn’t care and maybe she will be left a lone and that is okay as well.

She says this is the first “adult” decision she has ever made. Wow, what a wrong decision! Her parents, brother, even her close friends think she is crazy!

My poor son.

Maybe she and her lover really truly are in love and I should let them go? Why do I want to hang on to someone who is treating me like this?

DG

DG,

I know you are really hurting right now....WS will say alot of "fogese" statements...you can practice what to say..See Orchid's post on reverse babble. FWS told me all kinds of crazy things...like "his A helped our marriage?" "That I should have my own A." WS will say all kinds of crazy fog statements to you.

What the WS is feeling right now is not love...it is the fog...a chemical reaction that wears off in the light of day...which is why exposure is important and Plan A is important...and it is a good thing you have been doing that.

You are right...you don't want to hang on to someone who is treating you like she is now...but you do want to hang onto the person that she was or could be with help.... She can be happy in your marriage and so can you..esp. for your son....she just can't see that right now with her fog.

I just want to encourage you to keep reading the articles and even ordering Dr. Harley's books if you can. It gives you so much insight and insulation.

Also are you taking care of yourself. Eating? Do you workout--it was one of the best suggestions that I got on the board? Journaling also helping me a ton? You have helped yourself by being in IC....keep up the good work and stay strong...things can get better. ss

You have to understand that I found out about the affair last Friday night BUT she has been in the other bedroom, hating me for months so I have been in Plan A for months except for the exposure because I did not know it was a true affair.

I have told her family who now are on my side, I have told all of her close friends as well.
Her parent wrote an email to him and her saying they will not support such a relationship and they are ruining the life of my 7 year old son.

She is staying in the house for 2 more weeks so we can both celebrate my son’s birthday. I have given up on Plan A but maybe I should keep going with it trying to add some extra love bank points. Does that make sense?

She feels like I don’t hear her when she says she does not love me and that she wants out. I just turn around an say, “I love you”, that is my true feeling for you”.

People are telling me to move on and start thinking about a future without her.

She is giving up so very much to leave our relationship; a house, friends, $$$, a husband who has got rid of all his love busting behaviors. She will only see her son 3-4 days a week. She says all those years of her not giving anything to me was a sign that she never really loved me.

Should I turn off all that doormat attitude and be just as cold as she is?

Oh designguy, this is the same cr*p that they all spout, almost word for word. If she insists, let her go, but don't help her at all. Maybe being without you will wake her up.

DG,

You are doing well...you have done alot of the right things already.....FWS told me all kinds of ugly fog statements...I used ILY sparingly....but learned to reverse babble...here is a link on how to do...hope it helps...hang in there...you're doing okay.

Reverse Babble

I know it seems impossible, but dont take her harsh comments too seriously. If she stays with you and you repair the marriage, you'll see her completely change back to the person you fell in love with.

Don't stop plan A. Do it for yourself as much as for her. So that whether she stays or leaves, she will remember you in a good light and you will have that confidence in how you behaved.

As long as she is seeing this guy, she will be unable to come out of the fog. Exposing to work sounds like a great idea to me. Sure she'd get mad at you if she lost her job, but would you rather she keeps her job and continues the affair?

Good luck.

Thank you for all your help. I am scared of false hope though but I just can’t see someone leaving everything after 13 years. She says our issues are just to big to come back. I know we had issues. I wanted to work on them. I don’t know if they were really my issues but hers.

It’s funny, you asked about working out; I trained for Ironman 3 years ago which took many hours of training. She has resented me for that since that time. I work out all the time but since this has happened I have not worked out and I am eating one meal a day.

I JUST was prescribed Lexapro from my doctor for my anxiety. It takes two weeks to take effect which doesn’t help me right now. As you can tell, I am not getting much work done.

I just ordered the “Coping with an Affair” book.

DG

The calming effect of Lexapro is supposed to be immediately noticeable (so says my doctor). The anti-depressant effect does take a couple of weeks.

Find confidence and support from friends and family now. She won't be the one to give you what you need for a while.

It's important to continue your plan A behaviour and show her that your positive (non-lovebuster) changes are for good. Consistency is important.