I read your posts on Hurting's thread...

I share your religious beliefs...

I'd love to talk with you about your struggles during Recovery ...

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MIMI,

My struggles are mostly with the demon alcohol. Not every day, but it really helped in the second year, when I had to deal with my DD out of control and hating me and her dad for reconciling.

I am trying to get my monster on a leash. When I posted before about my struggles I was taken to task by a couple of well respected posters here.

I, like you , knew that SF was my WS major EN. And I fulfulled that during the affair, as you did. I also got tested for std's.

Sometimes the BS is between a rock and a hard place, are we not?

What I went thru and believe, and the problems I have now I just do not ask for help here, I have been shot down, and I am very close to leaving MB.

My biggest struggle was that my lovely H had this mushy, lovey dovey goodbye with the ow, and I have never gotten over it. I have accepted it, yes, but I did not do it right.

If you want to know I will tell you. I had nightmares just this last holiday season on the days of last contact and 'goodbye' days.

I cannot speak with my H about these things. He does noit even want to know about my nightmares that I have. Don't get me wrong, he is wonderful.

I need to forgive, I know. And who I need to forgive is ow. And as far as I know she is not repentant. My DD sent her and email and let her have it after 4 years. The response was beyond the pale.

Sometimes it is what it is. I need to forgive, regardless, it is ruining me.

Could someone pray for me please?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

MIMI,

To elaborate, my FWS and ow had a mushy goodbye, and ow kept trying to have contact, finally my H said he was trying to reconcile with me.

ow stalked me in a very weird way for about 4 months after NC. I never responded. She quit after she met someone else. ow has been married for about 4 years now.

However, she has never repented or said she was sorry. I prayed for someone else to come into her life. God has truely given me blessings because that indeed happened.

But I still hate her and what she did/said about me. And she continues to be blessed. But I prayed for that.

Be careful what you pray for. Am I messed up or what? LOL LOL!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

MissM - I hope you will stick around. I get some posts that are critical, but I don't worry too much. I just keep posting away. Folks can say what they want, and I will take it or LEAVE it.

BS's are in a tough position. My WH's family have been extremely critical of me, but he can do no wrong. I just take it with a grain of salt.

Miss M:

I understand fully what you feel.

I harbored the "feelings" of hate you did for a much shorter time than you and it still took an enormous amount of energy from me.

The act of hating someone takes more energy than love.

While it is easier said than done, I fear that if you are waiting on an apology or sorrow from the OW to finally let it go, you may be waiting a lifetime. That is an awful long time to expend the energy you are expending in hating her.

Nevertheless, I understand.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Believer,

Thanks, I know you are right.

I just had some one say are you posting about yet "another" problem, and I rarely post. If I do, it is important for me.

But since you mentioned it, I did get some good and positive responses.

I just wish people would understand sometimes that just cause someone might have a bit of an issue with drinking that they don't always have to go to AA or take it off these boards, or if they have a problem it is just a problem they need help with.

I dunno. But I thank you believer, maybe I am just too thin skinned and never would want to post anything that would hurt someone.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

MissM - I'm sure there are lots of folks here who have a problem with drinking. Or have succumbed to outside relationships during this hard time. The difference is that they don't post about it.

Lemonman,

I am not waiting for any kind of apology from ow.

I told my DD not to email her as it would not be what she wanted. I am glad my DD got it all off her chest, but never did I expect any apology.

And the response??? My stars and little fishes, it was exactly what I thought it would be. I don't know, you might be able to find it if you look at my name and posts, I can't pay attention long enough to find it.

I just need to forgive. My H has been marvelous. He asked me just yesterday what will it take for me to be okay? But my mom just died and my whole family is gone and I have had a few anxiety moments.

I am afraid it is all about me right now. Yikes.

Thanks Dr lemonman, for your concern.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Your welcome.

Best of luck

Miss M:

Do you find reading to be helpful?

The book BOLD LOVE was very helpful to me in working through forgiveness..

The authors' viewpoint is that we are not called to forgive an offender unless he/she is repentant.

I have not forgiven the OW. I don't think about her everyday anymore or have strong feelings of HATE towards her.

I've seen her recently and felt NUMB..

However, I continue to have flashbacks and nightmares, too, Miss M.

What we have suffered is a MAJOR TRAUMA...

I'm glad that you came back so that we can talk more later...

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Miss M,

The rat is gone! And it wasn't the cats!

AMM

AM:

What happened to the RAT? I was worried about that....

believer,

OT,

I am from Lake Tahoe, California side, and my father's family from Bay area and Santa Barbara.

Beautiful, yes? I would love to retire in San Diego area if I won the lottery!!!

I live in the NW now. So LOVELY here.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I need to win the lottery just to live here. I live very simply.

I was raised in Seattle and still go there once a year to visit my family. It is very beautiful, but so much rain.

It's rainin cats and dogs right now in Seattle, and all the hills are falling down!!! We are glad for the winter though, it has been very dry for a few years.

How did you guess???

I don't mind the rain, we had about 14 feet of snow a year at Tahoe!

You need to win the lottery to live here also! LOL

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I talk to my parents and sister every weekend. I heard you are having a record for the amount of days it has rained in a row.

I know the prices are high there too. I left in 1970 when Boeing was having problems, and there was a billboard in town that said "Will the last person leaving Seattle please turn out the lights". YIKES. I should have stayed and bought up houses.

...but not rats.

Mimi,

We got a "havaheart" trap, and finally trapped it.

It was so tiny and frightened. It was hiding its head in the corner, afraid that we were going to harm it. The 16-lb. cat thought it was an interactive TV.

With all its urinating and mess and turmoil, I figured it must have been at least three feet long -- like the dancing army of rats in "The Nutcracker." But when I saw it ... it was just a rat.

Well, D and I took it out about five miles to the woods, to a nice spot, and released it. When my daughter's hand when near the cage, it tried to squeeze out between the bars, it was so frightened. Nearly strangled itself.

When we opened the door, it ran for cover. It was so cute. I go back and leave food for it sometime. After all the commotion, I felt it was almost a member of the family. I wish it well. Just not in our house.

Poor thing! It was just trying to keep warm like everyone else this winter.

I know you all will think I'm crazy, but all the rest of the day it felt like the world was covered in mercy.

AM:

I recently read a book entitled RATS . A man developed an interest in the alley rats in NYC, observed them and studied them..

Those rats certainly aren't as tame as yours..VERY AGGRESSIVE AND LARGE...

He talked about how folks had tried to domesticate rats from the Twin Towers..They became FRIGHTENED of these rats and swiftly brought them back to city officials for DISPOSAL..YIKES...

After reading that book, I became fascinated...

As you can tell, I am interested in learning about all sorts of things...

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AAM,

I am so glad you caught the rat and removed it to a safe place, and that you had mercy. Poor thing. Our rats are much bigger here in Seattle.

I still believe they don't belong in the home. It will be happier in the woods.

Funny, I didn't remember right away about your rat problem, I thought for a minute the you were talking about the ow in my situation. LOL. LOL!!!!

Well, I guess you COULD look at it that way. I had to get off the computer as someone else needed to use it last night.

Mimi, I would be interested in that book, and I guess I do not have to forgive, but I think I need to to move on in my life. I mean, how many people still have nightmares after 5 years?

When my H asked me the other day what it would take he told me that he will always be there for me and brought up the examples of my mom's death and with my middle son's issues. Yes, he has been wonderful for the last 5 years.

For 15 years before that it was a whole different story. I can get my mind around all of that, and it is time for me to move forward. I can't be locked into the energy it takes for me to hate someone.

We will be moving to eastern Washington this coming summer. I am so looking forward to it because there won't be any triggers for me there. I just want to run away sometimes and not be reminded anymore.

It has not been easy, and I have let this eat me up. The ow was truely like it says in proverbs "the adulterous woman wipes her mouth and says I have done nothing wrong." I mean that is literally how she was. No repentance, nothing after all of it.

I believe she truely does not know what she did. But I prayed for her, that God would bless her and she has moved on quite happily, marriage and financially stable. So, should I not try to be like our Lord and forgive her because she did not know what she did?

I have been feeling like this is slowly killing me and I need to do something about it. Yes, we have both had MAJOR TRAUMA, and I have let it turn me into nobody.

The ow was everything I had could have been, but gave it up to raise my children and support my H in his career. Now the kids are gone and I can't seem to get myself on my feet to do what I have always wanted to do. I think that hurt me the most, and I have isolated myself, slowly, slowly.

I know I am rambling, sorry.

Don't want to be a downer for people. I can only say sometimes NOT to do what I did.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

MissM - My OW has no remorse either. And she even has the nerve to rub it in my face. She loves to drive by my house and smirk at me, even now, after 3 years. You would think she would be content with my husband. But that was not enough.

However, life goes on. I intend to have a nice life.