I am watching and burning DVD's of the kids' first Christmas after I so wantonly abandoned them for that remorseless cheater that I am in the midst of divorcing...

It's killing me...

Those two beautiful children were 10 and 8 and had never done ANYTHING to deserve the HORRIBLE treatment they received from their OWN FATHER...

For whatever problems my XW and I had...NO ONE EVER deserves to be treated the way I treated her...

I think I am finally dealing with the REALITY of what I have done...

I suppressed it for years...thinking I was married to my "soulmate"...the "soulmate" who was spreading her legs for other men not but two months into her yearlong tour

All I can say is that I was an incredibly STUPID MAN for ever having gotten involved with STBXW...I wish I could erase that part of of my life forever.

However, I am a SMARTER man now...having learned the painful lessons of my poor choices...

All I can do is be a better father from this day forward...

I am so sorry...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Guilt is a horrible thing my friend...

But think of what you are saying, you have learned from your mistakes. Many people do not learn from their mistakes.

Her revenge affair, or whatever it is, is wrong. No matter what you have done, it is wrong.

Life goes on if you let it....

"It is not about the mistake but what you do after define who you are".

Ammend the people you have trespassed and cherish the person who you have become.

-rh-

{{{WHnowBS}}}

Thank you so much for sharing with us.

I long for my STBX to someday feel just a fraction of what you do. He left myself and our two girls in early April, and hasn't looked back. He and the OW are also 'soulmates', and plan to marry after our D and have children together.

My one consolation in this whole sorry mess is that he hasn't completely abandoned the children. He has seen them twice a week since he left, and has phoned them most evenings if they haven't been out with him. Now they have finally met the OW, and are visiting around at their appartment. They will begin sleepovers there once the D is final.

I have long given up on my M, but I would like a sorry, one day. Have you said sorry to your XW? Has she come to find peace in her life now?

I need the sorry to forgive him, you see. I don't need him to say he is coming home, but I would just like some acknowledgement of the hurt he's caused me.

It would make such a difference to me if he could feel as you do - one day.

Blessings to you - I am truly sorry for your pain.

Alph.

I have made amends and apologized profusely to my XW and STBXW's XH...she seemed to accept them fairly well.

I don't know that a WS can ever TRULY apologize for what they did until they KNOW the pain they inflicted...

Statistically speaking, the chance of him feeling the "sting of Adultery's whip" is pretty good, so you may get your heartfelt and REAL apology in a few years once OW has grown tired of him or she has an "itch" that he can't scratch.

Take Care,

WNB

Yeah, the guilt is terrible. In my first marriage I was a WW. The only thing I've tried to do is learn from my mistakes, which is all you can do.

I still have terrible pangs of guilt for the BF I dumped when I got together with STBX - in a way I guess you could say ours was an affair marriage, though I wouldn't want to upset anybody here by comparing breaking up with a first-love BF with leaving a spouse for an OP. For myself, it felt bad enough - though BF and I didn't have children, of course.

Now I am betrayed myself, and I understand even more how much I must have hurt BF. This was fifteen years ago now, though, and I'm sure he has a full and happy life.

Coachswife, what you say about learning from mistakes... very interesting. I remember when STBX first asked me to marry him, after we'd dated a year or so after I dumped poor BF... I remember so clearly not being certain AT ALL whether I wanted to marry him. I was well over the crazy 'in love' stage by this point, and was genuinely pining for XBF... but I felt there was no going back to that relationship, even though I thought about it constantly. His parents would hate me, the innocence of the R was gone, I felt I'd burned my bridges and had to make the best of it.

Not that things were really bad between STBX and me - but once we were over the 'first flush' of the relationship, I never could communicate as well with him as I had with XBF.

But I said yes when STBX asked me to marry him. I thought - we get on well enough, we have lots in common, we have a similar outlook on life - all this was true (still is, in fact). But I didn't say yes because of those things. I said yes because I didn't want to hurt STBX the way I'd hurt XBF by refusing his proposal (I know we would have broken up if I hadn't married him). I said yes because it seemed the way to make the best of things, and also to attempt to validate what I had done to XBF.

I hope I've learned from my mistakes. These MB boards have given me so much insight, and I'm very grateful. It's a shame it is too late for my marriage, though. I do believe in karma - I'm living it now. I think that STBX will one day have to face his, too.

It's just a shame that our innocent kids are caught up in the unholy, guilty mess we've made together.

Alph.

You can't take away the pain, but an apology helps more than you think. There is one more person you need to ask forgiveness from. Yourself. You need to give yourself permission to be a good father, despite what you have done in the past.

I don't think apologies matter much if the actions don't back it up.My WH did tell me he was so sorry,many times,but it was an empty apology.Every time he said it he went out and had sex with the homewrecker or caused us all more pain.He wasn't sorry.Just confused.It all meant nothing to me.

O

I still wish he'd apologise. I don't expect him to come home/make things right. But I deserve acknowledgement of the pain he's caused me and the kids, and hint of remorse.

It's as if he thinks I'm unreasonable for being hurt - that I should be happy because he is. Why should he apologise when everything is so wonderful? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

'Sorry' would mean a lot to me.

Alph.

I don't know Alph.Maybe you are putting too much emphasis on your own personal recovery on your WH whose apology might not be heart felt or even truly acknowledge that he was way wrong.That to me is like saying ILY without it really being felt.Like my WH.He said it to me but when he was involved with the homewrecker and turning his cell off and sneaking around.At that time,it meant nothing to me as well.

I guess I passed a point that what he thought didn't matter anymore.His apology wasn't necessary for my healing.In my view,it really doesn't change the fact of what he did unless he were to STOP what he was doing(actions) and make ammends.

I hope one day you get that apology if that's what you need to go on.I just wouldn't want you to be dependent on it for your survival.I understand though.You MATTER.If he never apologized it's like you don't matter and you did at one time and should matter now depsite it all.

I just don't care that my WH was sorry.Not anymore.He could say it a million times but I feel nothing.

O

I agree wholeheartedly...apologies don't mean $h!t unles backed by action.

FOr example...

STBXW "apologized" in AUg...then in Oct, my "anger" was partly to blame for the dissolution of our M (those three guys were just "bit players" in the drama I suppose <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

Then last week she asked me for 1/2 of the cost of the D! I am growing so weary of this...I asked her if she was a third party to a similar situation to ours and a good friend was in my (BH) shoes and the WW of her friend asked him for 1/2 of the D fee, would you advise him to pay it?

Actions are the only barometer of remorse...words don't mean $h!t...

Yes, I am trying to learn from my mistakes, thus marriagebuilders. I also thought as a FWW, I might have something to contribute, especially to the men who have wives that have left them.

My second husband was cheated on and left for the other man. She was pregnant by the OM before their divorce was final. It's amazing that he knows about my affair during my first marriage but loves me unconditionally. He knows the conditions to which under I had the affair. Not saying that my actions were right, they weren't, but I don't consider myself a bad person just because I once cheated.

Most people don't set out and think "Gee, I'll cheat on my spouse" It happens gradually. I was so neglected I didn't want to run, and I should have ran.

Even then, my exhusband and I never had what I have now. Yes, I hate it that my kids have had to suffer but I truly believe that if I'm happy that goes a long way towards making them happy.

My husband tells me that I have to forgive myself and that God has already forgiven me. I still feel like deep down I'm going to be punished, and that is something I cannot get over.

Unfortunately, if the OW doesn't have a lot of opportunities to cheat because of advanced age, and there is a strong financial motivation for the WS to stay with her, things may just get worse. Seven years after my H left, he has little to do with the children, two of the kids have nothing to do with him, and he has shown absolutely no signs of remorse. Everything is either my fault or occasionally the fault of the kids.