After my divorce from my first husband i ran into a male friend that I went to elementary school with in a bar. We were about 25. We started dating and feel in love. We both had a child.

I introduced him to my family. My mother was not impressed with him. She said he was basicly not good enough. She and my younger sister intorduced me to a man that lived in there town. He swept my son and I off our feet. He had a great job all that stuff that you think is important. And my family liked him.

I dropped the friend from school and moved to live in the town with the man that my mother had introduced me to. We got married and he is now my FWH. I have never forgetten my friend from school. It has been 13 years and I really do think about him alot. I regret the way I just up and left. I was really in love. We were really happy.

Well, yesterday he called me. He ran into one of my sisters at her work. He used her cell and called. He has been married two years. We talked and got caught up. The sparks were still there. We could both feel them.

It has really just tore my world apart. Since his call I cannot get it off my mind. My husband could tell something was wrong.

I am really still in love with this man after all these years. I miss him. I have always missed him, dreamed about him, went over and over in my mind what we had.

What do I do now? Recovery has been fine but I really resent my husband for what he has done and for what I gave up for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lifted Up

LiftedUp,

I can understand this must be very tempting for you, especially since you are a BS and feel very vulnerable right now... But if you are really committed to your H and M in spite of your resentment and all the hurt he has caused you, you need to keep this old boyfriend out of your life and not have any contact with him again. You don't want to become involved in an A yourself, do you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Please do the right thing and keep the old BF out of your life. He is NOT a solution to your problems. And share this with your H. Remember, one of the ways to help affair proof a M is to share your vulnerabilities; temptations etc. with your spouse. This will also give you and your H an opportunity for open and honest conversation.

Blessings,
Suzet

This guy is MARRIED! Don't become an OW.

Am I having a deju vu moment here?


Knock it off. You are a married woman who knows better.

Are you kidding?

You've been through ****** trying to save your marriage. How could you knowingly put another woman through the same anguish you've been through?

Don't walk, run, from this potential OM!

There is one thing worse than an MOP and that is a MOP that is a FBS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I did not contact him. He contacted me. He was not looking for me he ran in to my sister. I will probably never hear from him again. He called because she suggested it.

Yes, he is married and spoke of his wife. I would not want anyone to hurt the way that I have or any other BS. I am not planning on having an affair with him and I doubt he is either.

I was just sharing my feelings here about what was going on in my head. Don't nail me on a cross. Give me a break.

I am picking up on an underlying implication that you are blaming your family for your choices in men. You say your husband swept you off your feet but seem to implicate that you left your old bf because your mother didn't think he was good enough.
If you were so happy you would have stayed with him. This is a pipe dream honey. When the going gets tough it is easy to fantasize about what might have been. And that's all it is, a fantasy.
How do you know you could both feel sparks? Did he tell you this? If you think he is so great, why is he coming on to you when he is married? If you had married him, what makes you think he wouldn't be feeling "sparks" with some other fantasy from his past?

What are you in love with? Get a grip on yourself here. You are in love with a fantasy, not reality. You are dreaming up a life with this man that does not and never did exist. Of course it is going to look better than what you have now. But let me assure you that once you are married to this man and living with him daily raising your children you will be right back where you started. Stop looking for men to fix any longings you have and start working on how to make yourself happy with you.

lifted up...

How do you expect people to respond to such a post...

that we should just believe and accept the fact that when you were 25 you loved some guy....
and you believe that he and you are the same people this many years later and everything is the same...

our brains are capable of keeping lots of things 'alive' but it doesnt' make them reality...

you have fed thought processes...
and are now covincing yourself...

what's next
soulmates?

this man is not the same man he was..
he is infact a stranger...

do you know that heroin addicts do not seek the high of heroin...nope...their quest is even more futile than that..

they seek to recapture the chemical response created in the brain from their first EXPERIENCE of heroin...

problem is that you can never go back and experience something for the first time again...

so whats your plan..

gonna call him some more
gonna start emailing..
perhaps meet up soon...

so many possibilities....
but surely you don't expect this site to support such an endeavor....

ARK

And we are just sharing our feelings: knock it off, you know better.

And this is not the first time you have spoken to him recently, you spoke to me months ago about this very issue and I told you to knock it off then. Apparently, you haven't.

Okay, go back and read your "feelings".

MelodyLane,

I have not heard from this man in 13 years and I have never spoken about him here on MB'er. You need to go back and look if you find a post that I have spoken about him let me know. I may be wrong but I do not think so. I have spoken about a man that I have met thru my work. They are not the same.

LU, you were emailing with this exact same story 2 1/2 months ago. Was there another guy too?

You can all be so judgemental.

I have done just what I have learned and what Suzet has suggested that I do. I have shared my temptations, vulnerabilities, etc. with my spouse.

Thank you Suzet for your support.

LU,
I'm going to unnail you from the cross.

This is actually natural.

You're still going to have residual effects of resentment.

I'm pretty versed on your story, and can find at least a couple of reasons, that you resent the fact your H had the A in the first place, taking into consideration all you gave up for him.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you even gave up your son in a way?

If you were emailing ML about this same guy, that's something you guys should maybe talk about offline.

That's sort of like sharing a PM, and I think maybe something you weren't comfortable talking about here.

It's easy to attach onto something from the past, that had no "ill effects".

While you're still dealing with the betrayal of your H, there's naturally that part of you that will think back to your First Love, and wonder, well if I hadn't buckled, and stayed with HIM, instead of FWH...would I be where I am today?

I think it's natural....and I don't think you should be nailed to the cross for it either.

You haven't indicated you're still talking to him, you expressed some feelings, and I think that's better than trying to repress and deny them.

Sometimes when you put things out there, it's your way of moving through them.

I'm sure that's what you'll do here as well. You put it out there, you've gotten the 2X4s from near and far.

Now work through them, and get back to your life.

How are the boys doing?

MelodeyLane,

Please show me where I can find that story.

I was here talking about the man I met thru work.

This is an old boyfriend that I had when I was single 13 years ago. I have not heard from him nor seen him since. He called yesterday and I was sharing how that call made me feel here with you guys.

You do not have to agree with my feelings or support them. I have shared them with my husband and we are working thru it. I think that is the right thing to do.

LU, with all due respect, you should be able to judge right from wrong. And I know you can. But entertaining these little flights of fancy with other men [this is the second episode that I know of] is not helpful and I know you know that.

You have full control over your feelings and I think this is a case where you should start exercising that control, lest you get yourself in some serious trouble.

That "story" was on my email when you emailed me a few weeks back about another guy you were "having feelings for" and wanted to know what to do. I told you to knock it off back then, too. And here we are again, it seems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Betrayedinjersey,

Thanks for your kind post and I am doing what you have said.

You are right, I did give up my older son for my husband. I have had to work thru that chose as well.

Thank you for asking about him. He is doing well and has been thru a rehab program. He is now living in a halfway house and is doing as well as to be expected.

I d not mind the 2 x 4's. That is why I put it out there. I want to learn to keep my marriage together.

As far as Melodylane goes we never agree.

LU, what do we not agree on? Do you not agree that you shouldn't be entertaining these flights of fancy about other men?

Melodeylane,

You are correct. I did email you some months ago about a man I have business with thru my job. I did ask you what to do. I did take your advice.

This is a differnt man. One that I was in love at the time and his call stirred up old feelings.

My husband and I have only been in true recovery for 11 months. I think that most in my time frame struggles with the same issues that I have struggled with. It is normal.

When I am as far along as you then maybe I will get it right everytime just like you do.