I wanted to post this, because I need advice and friends right now who understand... I don't have much time, but I feel time is running out anyway.
I must be discreet at the moment, for fear that some twist of fate will bring someone here that knows the situation. Let me tell you guys what's going on, briefly.
My husband (I still don't know what all the initials stand for... lol) had an EA 10 years ago. We went to counseling, and were doing quite well for some time. He swore he'd learned his lesson and would never do anything like that again. Maybe he's telling the truth.
Last year at about this time, we'd been going through a rough spot for about a year. We decided to turn over a new leaf and begin working on the marriage again. It all went very well, and we felt like we were falling in love all over again.
Then all you-know-what broke loose. Again, I'm not sure how much I should say, in case the wrong eyes see this... keep reading and I'll explain.
He told me that when he has to go out of town for business trips, he and a few other people he works with have been going together to clubs. That bothered me, but it's not proof of adultery. We were getting along great, and I had no reason to suspect another woman.
His trip is coming up next week. He told me last week that a woman who quit this past year is attending. Why would she be going at all if she no longer works for the company?? This is a woman who hung around with him a lot, although he told me they were just friends.
Now, understand that he is allowed to bring his spouse. I have attended before, but not since the clubbing late at night has been going on, which he kept secret for about 2 years before he told me. So I asked him if maybe I could tag along, just to ease my mind. He totally freaked out, began yelling and screaming, and actually put his fist through the wall. (No, he's not abusive... so this was very strange behavior.)
I have now taken matters into my own hands, and am having a friend of a friend (very trustworthy) to follow him and check it out next week.
Guys, I am scared to death. It's all I can think about, and it's hard to even be nice to him right now, because part of me has already found him guilty. This is like waiting to be shot.
Should I go through with this? I know there may be very, very difficult times ahead. Please give me your advice, your opinion, words of comfort, anything. I am pressed for time this morning, so if I left something out, let me know and I'll fill you in later.
Thanks!!
Alisha

Alisha,

Welcome to MB. I would say that there is SOMETHING going on in his life. It sounds to me like you have set some tools for discovery in motion. That's good solid action. You deserve to know the truth and if you aren't satisfied with his answer (who would be in this case?) then do something different. Which you have done.

We're here to listen and support you. The waiting can be so hard. I'll pray for you this morning.

Keep posting!

Yes, have him followed. Read everything here, try to keep your cool until you have a game plan.

Alisha, I am very sorry you are here, but you are right to have him followed. It is better to know the truth than be in the dark. You will get lots of support here. Welcome.

Alisha,

I'm sorry you are here but it is the best place to find the help and support you need at a time like this. It certainly sounds like something is up with your husband and his business trips. I would go ahead and have your friend follow him.

One piece of advice: do not tell him you are checking up on him or following him, etc. He will continue to do whatever he is doing but it will just make it harder to catch him. Gather information but keep it to yourself until you know more.

If your friend has a camera, ask them to discretely take pictures with timestamps if possible. You may need the pictures for proof or evidence later.

I think you guys are right. Let me ask you this: He's staying two nights. I think my "spy" can only do it one night... which night should I pick? The first night, supposedly, the suspected OW won't be there... if I can believe that. However, he doesn't have to get up early the next morning for anything. The second night, she will be there, and he does have to get up very early the next morning... I know this for sure.
Also, I didn't tell you this before, but it may help in your advice on this. This woman could also be meeting another man over there... signs point to either of them. It's a long story, which I will gladly tell this afternoon if you want/need to hear it to help me in this decision. My theory is: something at least WAS going on with SOMEONE... I just don't know who.

My thought is if you think there is something going on between your husband and the OW, you would want to pick the day that the two of them would most likely be behind closed doors alone together. Personally I would want pictures of them going in a room together alone. Those are the most confrontational pictures a person can present. And your goal is to break the relationship by confrontation with evidence.

I would explain again to my husband that I wish to go along. Innocent people don't put there fists through walls when their spouse wants to come along.

If he refuses, then you have your answer.

***So I asked him if maybe I could tag along, just to ease my mind. He totally freaked out, began yelling and screaming, and actually put his fist through the wall. (No, he's not abusive... so this was very strange behavior.)***

Liars get VERY angry when they are busted. Sure, go ahead and have him followed, but the above-described performance was a very clear-cut confession.
Mulan

Hey, it's me again. Thanks to everyone who responded. It's nice to know at least I'm not alone.
I have a little more time now, and I'm still debating on whether it should be night #1 or night #2. I'd love to hear what you guys think, but let me get more in depth first.
Okay, we were not getting along pretty much for the whole time this "secret" clubbing on business trips had been going on. I don't know if that's a coincidence or not. He had all the classic symptoms: working on weekends, short-tempered, distant... but I didn't even think about an A. (I feel foolish now.)
When we decided last year to work on our marriage, all these things came to a screeching halt... he was home every weekend, he was kind and sweet and attentive... looking back, I wonder if he had broken it off with whomever it was.
He has always gone away about 3 times a year for business. This last year, he only went away once. He cut the other two trips out because he said it wasn't necessary for him to go, and to help our relationship.
Now, going back to when he originally told me about this "business trip secret"... there are two women who go out with him and his partner. We'll call them K. and J. K. is the one who quit, but is still attending this year. He told me that it's usually him and J. coming back to the hotel earlier than the others. He said he would walk her to her room, and then go to his own. (Yes, I did question why that was necessary, and got a lame excuse about making sure she was safe.) He said that his partner and K. would stay out until the place closed. So it could very well be that J. is the OW... I'm so confused. And this is why I'm debating which night. J. will be there both nights; K. only night #2. However, I don't think it's necessary for hubby to stay overnight night #1 (it is only one hour away from our home), so I think he's making an excuse to go that night. Does this mean that's the night I should shoot for?
Sorry I seem to be going on and on... obviously, it's weighing heavy on my mind, and I don't want to pick the wrong night. Night #2 he needs to get a good night's sleep, and he's one of those people that that is very important to.
I'm losing my mind, aren't I? ;-)

I vote for night #1. I still think you should insist on going. Something is just not right.

Hey all...
Just wanted to let you know that last night was **thee** night. I have not heard from my informant yet, though she promised to call me as soon as she heard (her hubby was doing the spying.) I told her to call me, good or bad, even if it was in the middle of the night. No call yet, and it's after 8AM. I am hoping this is not because it's bad news and she's trying to summon up the courage to tell me. Please pray for me.
Hubby called last night from the hotel and was very loving and sweet. He gave me his room number, which he's never done before, and told me to call anytime if I needed him. I took this as a positive sign. He even offered to give me a "wake-up call" this morning at 6AM, which I also took as a good sign. But then...
He was 45 minutes late calling, and he is never, never late in the mornings, he's very punctual. Last night he was so sweet and caring, and when he finally did call this morning, he seemed down (guilt?) and a little too apologetic for being late for a wake-up call. That coupled with no call from my spy and I am one nervous person.
I'll post as soon as I hear something. Any thoughts? Please share them. I need support right now. This is very hard, as you all know. Thanks guys.

Alisha,

Thinking of you this morning...

Cat

Me too. Thoughts and prayers heading your way.

Alisha, you've come to the right place! Lots of advise and support, here!

Let us know what you find out. Sorry you're having to go thru this, I know how painful it is. Take care.

Prayers for you,

Jennifer68