FWW filed yesterday. We WILL be divorcing, quickly. It cannot be avoided at this point. I cannot say that chances were not afforded to me at many steps along the way to save my marriage. I have been either unable to recognize the opportunities until in hindsight, or just plain emotionally unable to take advantage of them.

After discovering FWW’s affair at the end of July I was so emotionally devastated and unable to cope with the two realities of my life co-existing together: #1 the love of my life had an affair; #2 I never, ever wanted to lose her.

So, for the first 2 months post d-day I struggled more than she will ever know. The despair, hurt, feelings of helplessness, anger and resentment she witnessed were the tip of the ice-berg of what I had inside of me.

And so I hurt her, and hurt her more. It was not my intent. I felt so tortured inside. I NEEDED, more than anything, for her to pull me out of my ****** with her love. But even though she did make efforts, she clearly did not have the love there to do it, and that made my despair even worse. I alternated between being furious and not being able to stand her, to knowing that I couldn’t live without her.

I would do things that I thought made progress, only to find that she did not share those feelings of progress, and that would send me deeper into despair and anger and I would act out.

I went to counseling, I went to church, I turned to friends and family members, I sought out any and all help I could get. I WANTED the help to work. I think a lot of the time I was hoping that all of that would solve it for me.

Throughout this I just did not see FWW making the efforts that I felt that I needed to get over her affair. In reality, she was unable to. Either because of her unhappiness before the affair, or her deep down feelings after the affair that she really didn’t want to come back to the marriage.

I sank further in to depression. I was / am on depression meds, but I can see it in myself even now. All of the interests I have always had, things I used to be obsessed with such as working out / fitness, college basketball, working on my old car, etc… that even 8 months ago brought me great pleasure, now just gives me a shrug….. I don’t really care; there is no spark from them. I can’t pinpoint one thing in my life right now that I look forward to or that makes me feel excited.

I started having two overwhelming thoughts in my mind at all times: One, I knew that, if I had any chance of saving the marriage I had to make sure I wasn’t setting it up for future failure by staying in it out of weakness, out of a fear of being alone. Most of my marriage was marked by a feeling within me that I was lucky to have such an extraordinarily beautiful woman for a wife. I never felt good enough for her in a manly good-looking macho sort of way. That gave me deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. The affair compounded all of this significantly. The affair made me feel like a total loser, an ugly, unattractive, hard to get along with, certain to be alone and unhappy person the rest of my life.

Two, I felt so alone, so deeply and darkly alone. And not only alone, but shunned and rejected by the one whom I loved the most in this world.

My insecurities with myself caused me to look outside for re-assurance. I put up a profile on an internet friends site to see if anyone would actually find me interesting. I felt that I needed that affirmation to make me feel worthy. To make me feel that staying in the marriage was an act of choice and not an act of feeling that I had no other alternatives.

I was warned about getting in this type of situation by numerous people, in particular, Cuthbert Calculus from MB kept contact with me over email and continually warned me of the emotionally risky state I was in. I heard him, but I was never 100% honest with him about my feelings. Cuthbert, you have been so giving and compassionate to me, I am sorry that I betrayed your trust and friendship. I hope that you can forgive me.

So I corresponded with a few women just to get a sense of friendship, desirability, belonging… And as all the posts seem to go on here, and just like my FWW told me, it just grows.

One woman I corresponded with had a lot of the same interests as me, fitness nut, military background, and so on. At this point FWW had told me we were divorcing for sure, 100%, we were already separated. I of course held out hope, but at the same time believed her. I talked to this other lady about my marriage, she was divorced and showed understanding, said she understood because the same thing happened to her, her husband strayed then left.

We talked of meeting for dinner. It scared me because I knew it was the first step towards a long fall. But I did it. I justified it because when I was at home I would feel rejected and abandoned by FWW. I am sure feelings of revenge were mixed in as well.

In total I met OW 4 times. There was SF. We were both honest with each other that we wouldn’t be a serious relationship because among other things we lived 90 minutes apart. But I still felt guilty. I felt guilty towards myself for doing what I swore I would NEVER do, I felt guilty towards my FWW because even though she said we were over, I still love her and wanted to save the marriage. And I felt guilty towards OW because even though she was making her own choices, I felt that in some ways I was using her for comfort, whether she was OK with this scenario or not. She kept telling me that she felt our relationship was for a reason, to help me get over a difficult time in my life, to help me make my mind up in regards to my marriage, etc… But I knew in my mind that every time I was with her, I wished it was my wife.

This entire relationship occurred over a 3 week period.

On New Years eve, I was feeling at the end of my rope. I couldn’t go on in my marriage as it was. FWW kept saying we were finished, but never had me served for divorce. I was feeling somewhat confident because I had interest from other women. I made my stand with FWW. We could either try to reconcile one more time (my #1 choice), our lawyers could meet and hammer out dissolution, or I would have her served.

FWW was already suspicious of my activities even though she said we were 100% over. She discovered my A Tuesday, confronted me yesterday.

FWW says the A has nothing to do with the divorce, but that she just wants me to quit riding the moral high horse about her affair. Point taken.

She doesn’t want to hear that I love her and that I never stopped loving her and wanting to stay married to her even during my affair. I don’t blame her, but it is the truth.

I hate what has happened: my behavior pre-her affair; her affair; both of our behaviors post-her affair; and now my affair.

I hate that I have committed something that never, ever was something I even thought about as a possibility. I remember in one of our first MC sessions post her d-day, I said I wasn’t sure about our marriage because she crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed. Something that was never, ever thinkable in our marriage was now a reality. Something that I had never thought possible now became possible.

I hate that I have become what I have struggled for years to leave behind, to resist…. a lying, deceitful, un-Godly, hypocritical, sinning piece of trash. Earlier this year I thought I had made such huge gains in my faith, that I had really made big changes in making myself a better person. I knew I would never go back to the type of life I had before. Even up to a few months ago I felt that I was going in such the right direction. Then, the loneliness, fear, hurt, despair, and anger led me back. Now I am lower in the muck than I have ever been.

I hate that my 3 beautiful and wonderful kids will now have to live a life of bouncing between two houses and two families. They won’t have their mother and father as a family any more. I hate that for them. I hate myself for doing this to them.

I hate that I am losing the woman whom I have always felt was the only true one for me. I hate that I am losing the woman with whom I have been with over ½ of my life. I was 17, she 15 when we started dating. I am now 36, she almost 34.

I am 36 with 3 kids, I don’t want to start a new life. Just 10 months ago I had one that I was content and satisfied with. It may have not been electric, but that is understandable when you have 3 young kids and a full time job, mortgage, etc… I thought we were in a chaotic period that would smooth out as the kids got older, that FWW and I would always be together with the picket fence, our family, and our memories and grow old together.

I cannot believe that in 8-9 months, everything important in my life has been broken to their foundation.

I pleaded with her for a few minutes last night, but there is no point in continuing to do so. She is not hearing it, she is done. Too much damage has been done. We have almost killed each other over the past several months. I would like nothing more than to somehow work it out and stay with her. I wish she would give me what she asked for on her d-day, the chance to make it up to her and make it the marriage we always wanted. I tried to give her that chance, I really feel like I tried, for a while. I will always dream of “what if” I had been able to take advantage of opportunities for recovery. Would it have happened or would we still have gotten a divorce? I don’t know.

I love FWW with all my heart. That is what hurts the most. I just don’t see how I will EVER be able to get over her. I don’t see anyone being able to ever take her place. In my minds eye I still see her as the beautiful 15yr old I took out for her first date when she didn’t even know how to kiss. I remember her as my beautiful bride coming down the aisle 12 ½ yrs ago. I remember her giving birth to each of my 3 wonderful children. I even remember her in agony on her d-day and the days to follow and how I felt so loving towards her and just wanted to wrap my arms around her and make everything better.

Her d-day was on a Friday. I have clear memories of the following Tuesday, coming home from work and having her run to me and hugging me in tears after a rough day for her emotionally. And I held her, and held her, and promised myself that from then on I would always show her those feelings of my love for her. That our marriage would NEVER go back to the loveless marriage we had before. That was only 5 short months ago.

At this point I hope she can at sometime find it in herself to forgive me. I still struggle with forgiving her. I know, still the hypocrite.

How does life go so wrong? How can EVERYTHING held dear be destroyed?

So many people on here tried to help, and I appreciate it all. Please know that I do appreciate it, and that I did really, with all my heart, want it to work.

I am so sorry to have let so many good people down....

TD - I don't know your story very well, but it sounds like you did all you could to save your marriage. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Not all marriages can be saved and no one can be married by himself.

Please make an appointment to see your family doctor TODAY. You relate all the signs of clinical depression and you can't cure that alone, either. Let the doctor help you. Antidepressants could very well save your life and they're not something you have to use forever.

There is marriage recovery and there is personal recovery. It's time now to start concentrating on personal recovery. Get to your doctor and think about your children. You will always be their father no matter what your marital status and they need you well and whole.

Good luck and please keep posting here.
Mulan

I did what I was emotionaly able to do, but in the end it appears to be a blue print for how NOT to save your marriage.


I have more things to feel guilty about than anyone will ever know. I ruined everything.


I look back on my actions and behavior throughout our 12 1/2yr marriage, including the past several months and I have to think, maybe stbxw is right, maybe I am just a broken person. I can't do the right thing at the right time. I am just warped in some way. I don't know why I can't help it.

(((TD)))

I'm so sorry for your pain. Take this time to take care of yourself...you need to heal and start your personal recovery. Check out Send me on my way's story. He might have a link in his signature line...I'm not sure.

TD, slow down. You need to give yourself a whole lot more time for this.

GC

Hi, TD.

I think you should slow down.

Take responsibility for what you have done. She needs to take responsibility for what she has done.

You are 100% responsible for your actions, they however, do NOT exclude her from responsibility for her actions.

She is 100% responsible for her actions, they however, do NOT exclude you from responsibility for your actions.

Stop taking blame that you don't own.

All the best,
Gimble

T_D, I certainly forgive you. You haven't betrayed me in any way, so please don't worry about that.

I do wish you'd been more honest with me, because my understanding of your situation was entirely dependant on what you told me. But I know you've been under enormous stress over the past 9+ months.

I've sent you an email. As you are a Christian, I believe the guilt you are feeling is the conviction of your sins. I think you need to turn to God now as never before, because you need forgiveness. He won't turn you away.

We'll keep in touch. Don't worry about that.

All the best,

Cuthbert

I own my own faults and contributions to the destruction of my marriage. I own the lost opportunities that I had to save it where I was unable to either see or act upon them.
I own my moral hypocracy, moral failings, and overall worthlessness over the past several months in specific and over the past 12 1/2yrs in general.

I am afraid to say that things couldn't get worse, because they always could. But life just sucks to be me right about now.

I did call OW this morning. I told her how I felt, that I was wrong to do what I did with her. I apologized to her for what I feel is my taking advantage / using of her. And that is that. As I said, I NEVER wanted OW more than my wife. My withdrawals are from my wife.

Just when I thought I had died as much as I could inside, this comes along and makes me feel even more dead inside.

bump

Tired Dad, my heart aches reading this as I you remind me a little of my H, who also had an affair 7 months after d-day in order to feel reassured, not so alone. The difference between you and him, was that I was 100% in recovery and wanting to be there for him - he just didn't want me.

Can I make 1 suggestion for your own personal healing. Now that you have apologized to OW...you need to tell her that you can't ever talk to her again. even if things never work out between you and your wife - for your own sake - you need NC with the OW to heal and mend.

There will come a woman in your life one day, whether it be your wife ready to make things work, or someone else - and the time will be right...but you can't heal while you are with someone that was part of the damage, albeit she didn't know she was.

And like someone else said - you have to stop taking more than your share of the blame. Most people who know me on here know I am guilty of the same thing - you it will tear you apart. her affair was HER choice - not yours...you may not have been the eprfect husband, but instead of making that clear to you she had an affair - it was the same mistake I made...

In recovery you have vented - you have been angry - you have been abusive - so was my husband - and its because your world had been ripped apart...While it was wrong of you to do - your wife didn't make it easier for you to calm down. You see I took all of it from my husband in the hopes he would heal...and the ranting and raving put him further and further in the whole. The ranting and raving over her A may be your fault but I also know from reading your stories she truly has not been a wholy active part of recovery...which doesn't make it easier for you to stop.

You have grown, you have learned...you ended up in an affair, just like my H did - out of pain caused to you by your wife - but just like HER affair is not YOUR fault - remember that YOUR affair is NOT her fault. My H still blames me for his affair...that it was because of the pain I caused him...funny - cause I justified my affair over the pain he had been causing me - yet I know my affair is not his fault...it's a double standard. Don't be guilty of that double standard...and don't take blame that does lie on her okay?

You know your contributions...the ranting, the getting angry - the not meeting her needs - you can change those - be better for yourself...but her affair is not your Fault, and while her leaving may seem your fault - it isn't. She was just looking for a way out...she was never really into recovery and it's why you felt so alone...

Hang in there friend, and take it one day at a time. My prayers are with you guys.

I am so sorry but I agree with the others here there were 2 wrongs here. Your wife I believe has moved to quickly. Now listen slow down take your time -you are not D yet -maybe there is someone here who can help you to see how you can still save this M. All hope is not lost yet. Please to nothing rash OK??

I have and still do want her so badly. Even during my anger post d-day, I knew I needed her. Last night, she was being very mean and disdainful in her demeanor towards me (meaning not yelling, but being hateful in conversation) and I just wished, wished for everything in the world, that I could hug her. She hasn't let me hug her in a few months atleast, long before I started my A. She hasn't slept in our bed next to me in atleast 3 months.


Agreed.


My A is not my STBXW's fault at all. It is my fault, a fault of my emotional weakness. I was not strong enough to cope with my loneliness and isoloation, my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, so I went out and tried to find someone else to fill that for me, instead of turning inwards like I knew that I should. Emotionally I feel very weak, and am my own worst enemy a lot of the time.


Even though I hate losing her, I have come to the same conclusion. Dr Harley says the WS needs to make extra-ordinary efforts to make up for an A. Without that, resentment will grow and grow. My STBXW made efforts, but not sufficient ones. In hindsight I don't think she could. I don't think there was the love for me in her heart to allow her to do this. So had said to me a few months ago that we couldn't stay together because in a year I would hate myslef for staying. At the time I disagreed because I was desperate to not lose her. And I knew at the time, as I know now, that me saying that was out of weakness and fear. I would have resented staying after time. The effort by her just was not there in any capacity sufficient enough to allow me to stay without feeling further devalued, inadequate, settling for whatever I could get because I was afraid of being alone.

And again, that is no condemnation of her. I just don't think she truly had it in her to do what had to be done because the love just wasn't there. I am sure that it took a lot for her to even try for those first few months post d-day.

I am not. But I am also not going to hang on begging and pleading. At a certain point you have to accept your losses and try to presereve whatever dignity you can. She knows how I feel.

Lat night was difficult. I found out a few things that she said to the kids which I felt were her attempts to influence them to help her get her terms of divorce. That is not right. A parent should not tell their kids something and then tell them not to tell their other parent.
So I became angry (not yelling or furious) and told her not to use the kids and told her that one comment she made to one of the boys was very, very low. A comment that hurt him, demeaned his abilities and feelings, to convince him to chose what SHE wanted on a particular issue.

She walked away saying she couldn't believe how I was acting just 24hrs after being caught. But my sorrow over what I did wrong, my A, cannot interfere with my rightful anger over other issues. It cannot interfere with rational choices involving the D.

And so, just as I had told her in the past, once a D is filed, feelings will be hurt.

I still love her, wish that we could reconcile, but know that it is wishful thinking at this point.

My A gave her more solid justification for what she has already wanted to do for a while now.

I would love to be able to have the chance to make "extra-ordinary" efforts to make up for my A. But that can't be done in the midst of a D.

this ~~~>

You are a Dad to 3 small children .... get yourself together ASAP

You are not inadequate or worthless in their eyes. And your lonliness? Go read to your kids every nite for an hour.

Pepperband,
You are right. And I already know that one good thing that will come of a D is better quality time with the kids. Now, when they are with me I won't take it for granted by reading the paper or watching the news. I will be waiting for their time with me.

TD

It ain't over till it's over.

Time for YOU to demonstrate better behavior to your kids, to yourself, and to your wife.

I mean this in the kindest way

STAY AWAY FROM ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

for now

you have no "game" to bring to a romantic relationship ... only woundedness and neediness and insecurities and baggage

NO

you need clarity and healing

stay away from women

lonliness is NOT fatal ya know !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

and your lonliness is not a lack of "other" it is deeper, a lack of "self"

get to know and love yourself .... then ya got "game"

ya know?

PS ~~~> I could just SMACK your head with a MB flyswatter for having an affair <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> .... and I am censoring my words severely !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

TD - You don't want any part of Pepp's MB flyswatter. Believe-U-me.

A lesson many of us need to relearn on a regular basis. Thanks for reminding me of that Pepp.

Pepper is right, its not over. My H's cousin ended up D'ing his wife after she refused to reconcile. She had an A and wanted to be with the other person. Here's the kicker: the other person was a woman. We all figured it was over, after all, she didn't even want to be with a MAN.

Well, guess what? She has been calling him and wants to talk about their relationship. I don't know if they will get back together, but there is a chance!

Work on you and make yourself a better person and let the future be what it will be. You have fought and now it is time to see where God takes it. Let him heal her heart.

Good luck, stay strong, your children need you. If you treat them well and respectfully, they won't believe what your W tells them. Children are smarter than we give them credit for.

Peps absolutely right

NO RELATIONSHIPS - you gotta fix yourself first.

And it's not over..

H left me 7 months into our recovery for another woman. He left for a month, and then came back realizing the marriage WAS what he wanted after all - and despite hurting eachother deeply - he wanted to make this work.

hang in there - your wife could still make that realization - that despite the hurt you have caused eachother - she wants it after all.

Like my husband and I, you are wife have some HUGE communication barriers...and you for your own sake, need to learn how to communicate more effectively. Read Love Busters over and over and over!!!! Learn how to hold your tongue and think about what you are going to say BEFORE you say it.

TD,
Of course Sorry for your Pain and continuing Trials.
I can see why you'd be tired.

But my goodness,
your one post is an Excellent "cautionary" TALE in and of itself.
What to do and WHAT NOT to do.

Here's hoping you get the energy to Get Back Up Dad!