This is from my post (Should we confront the OW)....i just need some advice so i reposted with diff subject...

Well I am back. I can now talk. As of last night Plan B was put into action. I used one of the Plan B letters I saw on here. I tried to search for it and see who wrote it to say I used it and how great I thought it was. Here it is. I saw everyone's responses to it and it seemed like everyone agreed it was okay. This is what I used:



My Dear ****,

This is one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written. It is with heavy heart that I sit here and put my thoughts and feelings to paper. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and to us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation.

I know I have made mistakes in the past and I am truly sorry for helping to create an environment that has made it possible for your affair. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in being in control. I helped create a void in our marriage that helped lead us astray. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us.

The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only relief is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to commit to spend my life with you and thoughts of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.

As you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, and cherished. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with another person. And by involved I mean any form of contact. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage, together, when you completely end your relationship with her.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I continue to stay at our home. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. You must know the deep pain and humiliation I have endured because of your relationship with her. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and her may be talking, text messaging or seeing each other. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid poisoning all that we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery.

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are:

•Willing to permanently separate/have absolutely no contact with her

• Willing to remove yourself from your work situation. Whether that be transfer to ******or move out of state and

•Willing to construct a plan to ensure a complete separation from her.

I have loved you in many different ways; as a girlfriend, as a wife, as a confidant and as a friend. I still love you today; I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with someone else.

I would also like any regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. If you have any emergency matters, you may call or email me.

In my mind I will keep the vision of a happy and loving marriage where our needs are being met and of a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! I still love you today; and I will still love you tomorrow, but I just can not be with you or help you as long as this is still going on.

Your loving wife, friend and companion,

KDee


SO that is my letter. It’s pretty much like the letter this other person on here used. IF you read this THANKS! Anyway, I handed it too him last night and he read it. He was sad and then it turned into "Can you handle this." "You're going to try to follow me." etc...My H said "this is Bull****" and I said” what you have done to me is Bull****, and I’m tired of it and I can't help you anymore. He washed his clothes and packed up. He said he was staying in a hotel close to work. I told him I didn't need to know where he stayed etc....He gave me a kiss this morning before he left for work and told me he loved me. And that was it. I told him until he could meet my 3 criteria above, not to bother to contact me. I feel okay today. I have an awesome support system of friends who have already made plans for this weekend. I'm going to start looking after me now.

I told him NO contact; I didn't care to check the credit card bill or cell phone bill etc... But I’m so tempted to look. Any advice?


BW 26 me
WH 29
Married 06-20-2003
Moved to this state 08-01-2004
Friendship between my WH and the OW began in 11-2004 then the A began i believe around 03-2005
DD 09-17-2005
Plan A - didn't work...still contacting the OW
Asked him to leave (Plan B) 01/11/2006

It is very tempting to check up on the WS during the first part of Plan B. But it really is best that you know as little as possible. Focus on yourself.

My mediators got TOO involved. I know too much & it is awful.

Best of luck -

Kim

KDee- I don't know your sitch... PLEASE BE SURE YOU ARE READY FOR PLAN B...
If you read any of my sitch you will know that many on here have different opinions about using Plan B and when.

I believe it is only used to preserve YOUR love for your spouse... NOT A TOOL TO BRING THEM HOME. That can work but is not it's primary function..

PLEASE CALL DR. HARLEY before using your PBL!

Your D-Day is almost the same as mine... It took me two months to stop love busting long enough for Plan A to even take hold.
Others on here like PLEASE HELP, and MORTARMAN are very good with helping BS's like us figure it out...

Good luck and GOD BLESS YOU!

You did a great job. Now stay grounded -he will try to break it in a few days. How about the house can he get in?

thanks for the advice.

at this point i know i can't help him and i realize this isn't a tool to bring him home. I believe we need this so i can have peace of mind and save whatever can be saved of us. if he makes the decision to go to her or be with her and he comes home and has no course of action and just says "i'm sorry..." that's not enough. I will then proceed with divorce. I am so tired of living like this. i have SO much to offer.

He won't try to get in the house. He knew i was seriuos. His job and where he is staying is a good 30-40 minute drive from here. He'll stay in that city....

i have gone through so many emotions. at first i felt devastated, then hurt, then i cried all the time and felt sorry for myself, then anger, then tried to reconsile and work on Plan A. And i am very sure I am ready for this Plan B. I haven't cried in weeks. I've just had enough. I never give up on ANYTHING. At this point i just have to wait and see what he says if and when he comes back.

But i will not give in this week. i WILL not check on him or call. i will be strong.

Hi Kdee,

I think you did well. With an affair just over a year after you got married, I'd have looked into an annulment. I agree, Plan B's not a tool to lure them back, it's a tool to preserve any good feelings the BS might accidentally still have for the WS. If he doesnt prove his worthiness, then he isnt worthy...

Hang tuff, start new hobbies, keep busy, and try to have some fun with friends or family. Recovery is just as hard as divorce, so either way you'll need to be mentally and physically fortified. Please take care - Dru

Thanks so much Dru. It's weird how someone can just do this and it can ruin a 6 year relationship. And you are right. If this separation just pushes him into doing more of these things, then he's not worthy of me!

I had a fantastic workout tonight at the gym. Let out a lot of aggression and I felt so much better when I got home. It'll be hard sleeping tonight, but I know if I can get through the first night, the others are hopefully not as bad.

I have a great support system I can lean on and i plan on getting out there and finding myself. This will be a real awakening for me and I think I need that.

my H just sent me a txt message saying "I miss you!" Do i respond and say I miss him too? or do i stick to my "Don't contact me..." Plan B????? I do miss him....but today is only the 2nd day he'll be gone.....

I put Plan B into action 9th December - and I know exactly how you feel. I have received good advice from other MB'ers - remember that he will try and have both of you and will do anything he can to see if he can gain control of the situation.

Chivers...so you havn't talked to your WH since Dec 9? Your Plan B has been that long?? How long should Plan B be anyway? does it just depend on the relationship/person?

I didn't text message him back...i told him no contact until her can meet my criteria...therefore, NO CONTACT....

No - he returned home each week to pick up stuff and left me notes - plus he has posted two letters. I am still busy disclosing too - as I did not do this very well during Plan A. As more people know - he is justifying his actions to them. We work for the same organisation - but I am based at a satellite building - but he will see my car in the car park. We have not come across each other yet - I don't know what I will do when that happens - plan to snub him if I can. My plan B letter is similar to yours - with same next steps as your - though he still maintaining that he can's change how he feels. OW is head of HR - WH is a director

My WH has been away one day and he is saying he misses me....I think i should just let him miss me and wish he was with me. I"m sorry about your situation...it's unbelievable how many spouses are affected by Affairs. I am going to continue to be strong.

I havn't yet called his mom and told her that i told my H to leave. They knew about the A when it happenend. My H told his parents. But they are unaware that I asked him to leave the house. i plan on calling today.

KDee, your Plan B is working, don't respond to him. He doesn't like it that you have taken control of your life. He will do everything in his power to break Plan B so he that he can continue to have you and his affair, too. Don't allow him to get you to break Plan B. Hold out until he meets your demands. If he keeps this up, simply respond with ONE text: "please refer to my letter and don't contact me until you have met that criteria."

There is a problem in the letter that you may have to face, KDee. Your letter says he must be "willing." You cannot settle for "willing." "Willing" is just TALK. And talk means nothing with a WS. You cannot settle for anything short of ACTION.

You said:
You should not talk to him until he completely ends contact with her and can PROVE that. Letting him come back because he is "willing," is meaningless. Because "willing" is just talk. See what I mean?

Melody, i TOTALLY understand. I will not contact him at all. I feel SOO much better that i did not respond to the txt message. if he continues to write, i will tell him exactly what you said.

What can i do at this point about the letter??? He has to know i'm serious. And you are right, "willing" isn't ACTION. Since i am not contacting him, how do i let him know that i'm serious.......and the "willing" won't do???? He has to prove it.....

How about something like this in response to his next page: "please do not contact me again until you have ended all contact with OW and left your postion."

I don't know. Maybe someone else has a better idea. I wish you would have posted it here before you sent it but there is no use crying over spilt milk, is there? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Melody, he just sent me another message...just now. it says " No Response"...what do i do? do i just say "please refer to my letter and don't contact me until you have met that criteria" help.....

he asked me "No Response??" i guess to his txt message this morning that said "I miss you!"

Don't respond yet. Let's think about how best to rectify this "willing" thing. I will be back this afternoon and we can discuss. Hopefully, some of the others can give their thoughts on how to rectify this.

KDee -

I would send him the message that Mel suggested -- he is trying to bait you into breaking your Plan B.

Kim

okay great. thanks again. I will not respond to any of his text messages until I know exactly how i should respond.