i'm calm now. I guess i just don't understand how that makes sense. i would think spending more time together will make them closer?

KDee, I sort of regret that you went into Plan B without understanding it. That is causing you some problems here.

So I will explain it as best I can. See, the OW meets about 1-2 of his needs. You meet 3-4. When he is in contact with both of you, he has 2 people meeting his needs so does not realize that the OP cannot meet his needs. Once you are removed frm his life, he is forced to realize that the affair is untenable and it begins to crumble.

Their relationship is founded on deciet and is dependent upon secrecy; it is a fantasy. When they are free to see each other, reality intrudes and it takes away the fantasy aspect. He begins to see the OP in a different, truer light. This increased exposure to the OP is usually ruinous to the affair.

Since the BS has primarily met most of needs in the past, this can have the effect of yanking him off the fence when the affair crumbles.

However, this is only ONE of the goals of Plan B, and is no guarantee. The main point of Plam B is to remove the BS from the triangle and effect a detachment that allows the BS to experience some peace and sanity. Then, if the marriage does not revive, the BS is in a better mental position to make that decision with sound judgement.

That makes perfect sense to me now. I know it prob doesn't seem like i've improved in the past few months. But i truly have. The OLD me would have called him by now. I know in my head that i must be at peace and maybe realize "hey, if this keeps happening, this is what life will be like without him." and i need to make the best of it. This is in some sort of way, preparation, right?

I hope this is a wake up call to him. Thanks for explaining it to me. It makes a lot more sense now. So in the meantime, i should just live my life daily and not let him get to me (i.e. me leaving work this morning because i FREAKED out). i let him get to me, and i can't do that. But something good came out of it. I see my counselor at noon and since she's an hours drive away, and she usually sees me for 2 hours...then i didn't waste the whole day.

And you know what? i was saying i didn't like my job. Well a company i applied at called me for an interview....i'm gonna take them up on it. Why not? right?!! IT's exactly what i want to do. Why should i sit around and wait for him to make up his mind and me not move on....i'm going to call them....

Thats the right attitude, KDee! Focus on building up YOUR life and stay out of his craziness. What will happen, will happen, you might as well be doing positive things, right?

Now, can you please stop looking at the phone bills? It only sends you into a tailspin at a time when you need to be removed from all this.

Also, he probably KNOWS you are looking at the phone bills and is hoping to BAIT you into breaking Plan B and calling him. But you didn't take the bait. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow, it's been a week since I have been on the forum and so much has happened. This Thursday would have been 2 weeks that my WH has been out of the house. He's staying in a hotel/extended stay.

Well...I did let into temptation and looked at the phone bill and every other bill online. Last Tuesday I noticed that there was a charge on his credit card to dinner. I knew he took her out to dinner. I found out where he was staying, showed up and her car was there. I was shaking, but I didn't care. I called him and he figured out I was there. He came to the door and wouldn't let me in his hotel room. I screamed and was so furious. He was extremely rude to me. I finally made him open the door. The OW just layed in the bed (fully clothed...apparently she had just gotten there...whatever) and she was watching TV. What a b****. I was so mad I was shaking. I told him, "you let this woman help ruin our marriage." and she looked up and said to my H "did I ruin your marriage." my H said "No." I was in shock.

Then I said to the OW "you need to get out of here." She looked at my H and said "do you want me to leave." he said "No." I was disgusted. I left the room, after calling her a few names and literally threw up next to my car. I told him to get away from my car and I left. I called his mom and sis and told them. They were equally disgusted.

That was Tuesday night. Since then I went and got paperwork for dissolution of marriage. I’m more than positive I’m divorcing him. We have talked this week, but he is still in his own fog. He wants to work it out and have a "normal" relationship. But I just believe he wants to "ignore" the situation. He said he's sexually addicted to her. And she has nothing to offer him, but he's drawn to her. But he wants a good life with me. I'm so confused. He came over tonight and we talked civilly. I asked him what he wanted in the house, etc. and I asked him to help me fill out the paperwork. We had dinner and talked. He kept saying just give me few weeks to snap out of this. I don't think it's worth it anymore. I think I need to leave.

Any advice?

I think you need to expose the affair. And then go back to a very dark Plan B. You have to give Plan B a chance to work.

I haven't exposed it to his work. i don't know why...maybe for fear of him losing this job. I know I shouldn't care, but I don't want to make him lose his job...especially if I decide to leave.

All my friends and even his step sis have been supportive of me working out my marriage...but now, they are all saying "he's never going to change, it's time for you to leave." In my heart I love him...but now that he's cheated and continues to cheat...isn't there a chance he'll do it again, even if things work out? And what if he doesn't get over the OW?

Do i just wait until he does?

Also, a "dark Plan B"...i'm assuming this means a "real plan B" in my case. Def no contact, etc....

KDee - Follow ML's advice. Expose and then go into very Dark. And yes, that means no contact at all. You CANNOT check up on him. Do you see now why that is so important? I had to learn the hard way too.

When you are tempted to call him or go look for him, come here first. Someone will be here to talk to you and get you through that.

Let this be the place that you turn to when thoughts like that enter your head.

Kim

Well, it now seems like I am just as bad as my husband. We went to dinner friday night and he tells me he wants to build our friendship up with him still staying away from home (it's been 2 weeks). I asked him if he was going to stop talking to the OW and he said he wanted to but he doesn't know if he can. 1st red flag: why just "be friends" with him and let him be out of the house doing what he wants and still contacting her. I told him we have already filled out the papers and we need to go file on Wednesday. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but I felt like I had enough.

Anyway, the night ended with me saying "leave, and i'll see you wednesday." Well last night i went out with my friends to this big festival and my friends brother was in town. Super cute guy and really sweet. I could tell he was interested in me and my friends husband told him that I was getting divorced anyway...so what does it matter, hit on her. So, as ashamed as I am, i ended up kissing this guy and then slept with him. I feel just as low and deceiving as my WH. I woke up this morning feeling like the crap of the earth. The guy that I slept with wasn't rude to me this morning or anything, in fact wanted to see me again this week. I just blew it off. This is something NOT like me at all. I have been the most loyal wife anyone could ask for, but now I have just broken EVERY SINGLE rule in my book and in my vows.

I really did it I feel to get revenge...and the sad thing is, i can't imagine doing that for a year like my WH has been doing. I felt sick afterwards and I don't want to see that guy again. Well my WH was text messaging me and calling me at 6:30 this morning asking why i wasn't picking up and where was I at. I told him i stayed at my friends house. And i, beating around the bush, told him what i did. But he didn't believe me, so then i just played that lie and said "cmon, you know i wouldn't do anything." My WH said "i know." I feel like complete dog crap. My WH is coming over soon just to hang out. He said the OW called him yesterday on the phone and he said "don't call me anymore, don't call my phone." Anyway, he doesn't want a divorce, but i feel like after what I HAVE DONE, we must just end things.

I can't believe I did this.

Well, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. I did something similar, only it was with a friend. Needless to say I felt terrible afterwards and no longer have a friend.

I think that we need to realize that we are very vulnerable and avoid being around the opposite sex. I know for me, it just felt so good to have someone want me, after months and months of NOTHING from my WH.

The only good thing for me is that we are getting a divorce, so I didn't even bother telling WH.

I guess I just feel completly disgusted with myself. I have tried so badly to work out things with my WH. DDay was Sept 17 and now we are heading into Feb. The NC letter obviously didn't work...it's been 5 months and I feel like the RIGHT thing to do is get a D, move on and rebuild myself, BY MYSELF. No men for a while. I'm such an emotional, touchy kind of person and when this guy, last night, just held me and touched me before what happened actually happened, i felt like i was wanted.

I"m just at a loss of words right now. i have NEVER lied to my H and I feel like I should tell him...but if we are getting a D, then why bother at the same time.

You probably won't end up divorced - that is the problem.

I had my ONS 18 months into this thing. My neighbor and I went to a benefit at the yacht club for some kids whose mom and dad had drowned in an accident. I ran into an old friend there, and it went downhill from there.

It is strange how much a woman misses being cared for by a man. My friend was just being his nice self, but that combined with alcohol, did me in.

I felt horrible for months. I always valued fidelity to my vows, no matter what WH was doing.

You can forgive yourself and just realize that you were weak. In the future, avoid men. It's amazing how starved we get for any kind of affection.

Why do you think this believer? because I love him?

Because they usually come back to their families. If you have done a decent Plan A, and are now in Plan B, you just have to hang in there for awhile longer. Plan B takes much longer than we think - I think around 4 or 5 months.

Why are you talking to him if you are in Plan B?

well when i put plan B into action, i didn't do the "true" plan B. I think everyone on here does what's good for them, but I personally won't wait around for 4 months, 6 months or even a year for my WH to come back. When he left i told him after one week i wanted to know at least where his heart was. Well if you see my posts from earlier, i couldn't even wait a week and went to his hotel room and the OW was there. So i had filled out the papers for a dissolution of marriage...and told him i wanted a D.

this whole time we have been contacting each other occasionally....and we do miss each other....so pretty much i screwed up the Plan B. i don't even know what the heck we are doing right now. we are in our own crazy plan. He is now saying, no he won't divorce me...and i should get an attorney because he won't divorce me. He says he wants a normal marriage with me. I told him there is no such thing as "normal." If he can't have NC with this OW, then i'm not sitting around in Plan B...I don't want to live in Florida anymore, i want to move back closer to my parents and my friends. So why just wait around here for months for him to "come to his senses."

If you want to save your marriage, get into a plan. Plan B sounds appropriate.

Wow, a lot has happened in 2 days. I have decided that I'm not living in Florida anymore. I’m moving back home. The realtor came by today and we signed papers. Last night my WH was at the house when I got home (he is not living at home anymore). He began to get terribly upset saying I wasn't divorcing him. And saying that if I did then he was going to F*** me over and take all the money out of the account, cancel my cell phone etc...

I was freaking out saying "It's just not working between us. We are filing the papers tomorrow." My WH was totally against it. He was rude and said things to hurt my feelings. He finally left and began to call me uncontrollably this morning and today. At first it was the same show as the night before. I told him I was talking to a realtor etc... And I had an appt with an attorney since he didn't want to go about this the civilized way. Next thing you know he calls me back and is crying and apologizing for the way he acted. He said he was just so angry at himself and he took it out on me and he doesn’t want me to leave. And the day before the OW called him and he told her to leave him alone and never talk to him and the OW said "don't worry, I won't f*** with you anymore. I won't say two words to you."

And he said he felt a burden was taken off his shoulders and he wants nothing to do with her anymore. I don't know if I should believe this. He said he's going to talk to someone about moving. I told him why didn't he do that since he's been gone for 3 weeks. He said the lady he needed to talk to wasn't there. But he is now ready to spend his life with me and "we" can't let 5 months of bad times ruin our whole marriage (DDay was 5 months ago. Did plan A and he didn't talk to the OW for 2 months, then talked to her again and I told him to leave. That was 3 weeks ago).

He says he's willing to do anything and everything and HE wants to be the man that loves me and makes me happy and brings happiness to my life.

I’m just tired of being lied to and I don't know if I should believe him. I am definitely moving no matter what. The house is up for sale. Now I have to make a decision as to whether I move on my own, or with him. I'm so confused!

You better slow down. When you are in the midst of emotional upheaval, it's not a good time to make life changing decisions.

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to need to POJA the move and selling of the house.

What is the big hurry?

Believer, I have been thinking for months about this...i didn't decide this in one evening.

Update: last night i spent talking for hours to my H. WE laughed, we cried...and just talked for the first time in years. I told him I put the house up for sale. He told me he loved me and he knows the fog has been lifted permanently from him. And he wants absolutely nothing to do with the OW. He said he's talking to his boss...and he's moving with me and he is telling his boss what has happened. He wants to bring happiness to my life etc...

I told him, i'm moving no matter what. i am unhappy here and this is something I have been thinking about for a few months.

And he said he's leaving with me. He wants to leave this place and start our lives somewhere new around my family and our friends. I told him okay, we will not file papers today, and you can come home, but this is a trial period and you must do the things that i said in the letter and you must talk to your boss. When i was talking to him, it was the H that i knew, not the one that i haven't known for the past year.

I told him i want us to make an appt with Dr. Harvey and talk to him and he more than willingly agreed. So that will be our next step. I am scared and i may not be going about it the "right" way...but it feels "right" as of now. I want us to talk to Dr. Harvey and figure out what our next steps are.

oops. i just realized i said Dr. Harvey instead of Dr. Harley...where was my mind.....