I cannot do this nay longer. I realize that I have only been "fighting" for a short time, but I am in no state to deal with any of it. I have my daughter to raise and she needs to be my main priority...

I feel I can no longer continue torturing myself with this... I am seriously losing it and I cannot handle any of it... My H just left and I can no longer watch him go. It is killing me... Killing me... Plus, every time he leaves, dd throws a major fit.

He was again a complete doodoo this evening and very angry, but I gave him nothing... I serously doubt it was Plan A, but I know there were no LB's unless silence is an LB...

I am just not sure where to go from here... How am I supposed to feel. What am I supposed to do??

Alison -

Please hang in there!!!! I know you are feeling awful right now. But it is just a wave that you need to ride for the moment. Believe me, this feeling will pass. I completely understand how you feel. I have a 6 year old & sometimes I wonder: what in the world am I doing? Why am I fighting so hard and it seems I am getting nowhere?

Your H is in there somewhere. I know we've posted to you about helping pull him out of this murky mess, because right now he is SO LOST. He cannot do this without you.

I guarantee you, if you don't stick with it though and give it your all you will look back on this and ask: WHAT IF? What if I would have stuck through it?

Your DD does need you so much. She needs you strong and healthy. It is so hard to not let the A consume you, but try to do some of the things even if it is so simple: special bubble baths just for you, painting your toenails and adding jewels to your pinky toes, paint a room of the house.

Alison, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Hugs to you. Please stay with us and hang in there -

Kim

Take some "me time" after DD goes to bed and relax; maybe start a good novel or something to read? Something to take your mind off all this - is there anything that successfully does that? Movie, tv, phone-a-friend?

It gets better, hang in there!

MSA

You may not feel strong enough for this. But, are there any other choices that are good choices. If you don't walk through this, who wins?

Allison, there were times before my divorce when I just wanted to die. I didn't want to hurt myself but I simply wanted to die. To be released from all the turmoil. I was so distraught that I didn't do a good job parenting. I thought we had a successful day if I got everyone up and delivered to the appropriate destinations at about the right time and with food in their stomaches and clean clothes on their bodies. Then I could go home and sleep till it was time to pick the children up. Depressed to the max.

But, I knew those children NEEDED me. And I kept trying just for them. So, for the time being, when you can't go on, just look at her and get your batteries recharged.

BTW, my chiropractor knows that I live a stress-filled life (last school year was so stressful that my hair started falling out and I'm still taking vitamin and shots to try to get it to regrow healthily). He recently gave me a prescription for relaxing.

You'll like it, I promise.

At some point in the evening, preferably after children are in bed, I get an hour of time for myself. No television, no telephone. Fill the bathtub with water and add about 1-2 cups epsom salts (you can use bubble bath or bath oil but the salts are good at helping your skin not dry out so much and are a staple ingredient in many bath additives. Light a candle and turn the overhead lights out or down. Music is optional - something calming or soothing - classical or space music - something like that. And a glass of red wine. Just one glass. Says its good for you - antioxidents and the suchlike....hey, if a glass with dinner is good for the French and Italians, it should be ok - if you don't have addiction issues.

{{{Alison}}}}big MB hugs to you. I know this is hard but you CAN do it. Do something fun with you and your DD. Try not to worry about your WH every single minute. Just focus on you and DD for a time.

Alison -

The good part of all this is that you don't have to do it. You are free to do nothing, file for a divorce, whatever. I know a little of how you feel. The whole thing was devastating for me, and all of our kids are grown. I can't imagine doing it with a little one.

But I promise you that one day you WILL be happy again and life will be good.

Nobody is equipted to deal with it at first. First, you fall completely apart. You can't eat. You lose a ton of weight. Your children either cry a lot or retreat into themselves. You feel like you are doing damage control 24/7. You spend a lot of time spontaneously crying. You become a hermit. You don't want to see or talk to anyone.

Gradually, things become better. Well, sometimes they become better but maybe everybody just evolves to a different level. You start mutating. You start doing things differently. You deal with your first crisis and come out on top of it.

From somewhere deep inside yourself you DO find the strength. You find it from God or your friends or from pure resolve. You can consider all of the plans. Eventually, one day, you aren't carrying around a wad of tissue all day that's a completely soggy mass. It still hurts but not continually.

When you feel down, come talk to us. We've all been there or are still somewhere in that particular h3ll.

((((((((((Allison and baby)))))))))))

I know I am repeating myself but...

If your H had brain cancer, you would be devastated, but you'd do everything in your power to get him, and your family through the crisis.

This is NO different.

Do nice things for yourself, but project your mind into the future. Which future do you want? The one, where you "share" DD with her "new" family? Or, the one where your family is intact?

You have a great support network here; use it.

The MB principles will help you and your H get through this successfully.

Have you called the Harleys yet?

(((((Alison)))))

If you think it might help, go back and read my first threads here at MB. I was a basket case. The continuous, repeating traumatic thoughts and images, insomnia, depression, anger, aching lonliness, chronic vomiting and diarrhea, severe weight loss, panic attacks...

Then read my more current posts. No, I'm not yet a MB success story and no, I've not yet recovered my M ... but I survived and I'm doing better and I've made progress on my own personal road to recovery. If I can do this you can too!

Thank goodness I found MB!

I also visited a psychiatrist and got medication, We had to try a couple things until we found the right medication and the right dose. I couldn't have made it without this. Alone being able to sleep a solid 6 hours at night helped tremendously. I continue to take two medications. Neither are addictive. I have no negative side affects from either and I am even able to drink my usual evening glass of wine with dinner.

I've also counseled with Steve Harley.

I have discovered who my true friends are. I have discovered others that I thought were friends, weren't and I have discovered others in unsuspected places were truly there for me when I needed them. I have a strong support group.

I've also found strength and growth in prayer and meditation.

Alison, it still hurts terribly, but I am coping and you will, too. You don't have to make it through this alone. And you shouldn't.

I would suggest coming up with a plan on how you can first pull yourself together and look after your baby and yourself. That needs to take first priority before you start on a plan to save your M. Your initial plan mike look something like this:
1. Visit your doctor and get a referal to a good psychiatrist for counseltation. A lot of us need AD therapy to get through this and it is nothing to be ashamed of.
2. Visit your bank for financial advice. Find a way to secure your assests and protect yourself and your daughter financially.
3. Talk to your closest and most reliable friends and family members about the situation. Form a strong support group. Making sure that you have one or two people you can call 24/7 will help you feel safe.
4. If you belong to a religious community, talk to a spiritual leader and explore c sources of support there.
5. Keep posting here ... what a generous and helpful and constructive family this is.
6. DO NOT move out of your home. As tempting as it is to run away from it all, you might legally lose the right to your own home if you leave it.


(((((Alison)))))

You have received wonderful, heartfelt responses from others.

I want to add this information for you.

THE former OW in my situation kept hoping that I would GIVE UP..

My H has informed me that she couldn't figure this out...

"WHY DOES SHE KEEP HOLDING ON TO YOU? WHY DOESN'T SHE LET YOU GO?"

She kept trying to convince him that I didn't love him and by me continuing to stress my desire for the marriage she couldn't make him believe that I didn't care...

I even called her I told her so a couple of times on the phone.."I LOVE MY HUSBAND"..CLICK...

By you fighting for him, he knows that you care...

Make sure that you don't hand him to her on a silver platter....

Making it easy for her to DESTROY YOUR LIFE and ROB YOUR BABY OF HER FATHER...

YUK...

STAND UP AND FIGHT AGAINST THE FORCES OF EVIL......

Hi Alison,

The others gave you good suggestions. Just want to show my support and tell you that you are strong enough. None of us want to do this, but all of us are strong enough to handle it - we all found out the hard way.

Hang in there - it's Friday!! Any plans for the weekend?

bump

Thank you everyone!!! My day today is better than last night. went to lunch, had playdate with a girlfriend. Spoke to H and he just sounds very depressed. Said he has a lot on his mind and is just thinking about a lot of stuff. I have no idea what is in his head, but I do feel he is very torn right now... Definitely between good (me, although he thinks I'm evil) and evil (yes, the wh*re b*tch).

I think I told you he is supposed to have a happy hour with Traci's office tonight - well, I asked one of his employees if they were excited about the HH and she was not aware of one... SHOCKER!!!

Anyway - H is sick as a dog and I don't think he should go out (i know - too mothering) tonight considering he is supposed to take DD tomorrow and should try to get some rest. I told him that if he is still feeling badly tomorrow that I wasn't sure if DD should be going to his place...

Gosh - I will continue to do whatever I can to save this marriage. I will love him like no other - I always have and I always will...

Alison -

Glad to hear you in much better spirits!!!

I think I told you he is supposed to have a happy hour with Traci's office tonight - well, I asked one of his employees if they were excited about the HH and she was not aware of one... SHOCKER!!!

Is he aware that you know there is NO office Happy Hour????

Good going with getting out and getting yourself emotionally up again.

Your Marriage is worth fighting for!!

Kim

Yeah - I told him that his employee had no idea about it - which is why he "has a lot on his mind" I am sure... He probably thinks I have hired a PI to follow them - I did get her liscence plate # and her car info so that may make things a bit easier if I do... I really was condiering doing that this evening, but have not made up my mind yet...

Too late to do the PI thing, but a friend offered to come help me spy, but then my therapist called and I told him about it and he said Don't dare do it - that H could get me for stalking or harassment...

Anyway - I am extremely angry with H because his priority - which should be being healthy for DD tomorrow, is actually just wanting to be with his wh*re...

I cannot stand for this - I will not have my DD put second obehind this woman. Yes - fridays are H's day to go out and yes we are separated, but it is like he has no respect for the health of our DD.

Am I allowed to be mad about this or am I grasping at straws. Is there a way that I can let him know how I feel without LBing???

H just emailed this to me... Should I say anything??

"Aly,

You have pushed me more than you can ever imagine. My mind and my heart are struggling between making it work and not making it work. I never know what you're up to or what you're going to do next or who you're talking to all day. I feel like I am going to be the victim of some big conspiracy...and I already feel that way. Sometimes, I just don't want to deal with it... sometime I feel that we're better off just ending it now... just to stop all the talking and all the anger. Then again, I feel like it's definitely worth working on getting our marriage back on track... and just when I do, something else happens that makes me change my mind again. I guess I just don't know what to feel or think or even want. I hope you can understand... I just have a lot to work out Aly.. and it's getting harder and harder for me to do. I love you, I just have to figure out where to go from here. "

F - O - G

Allison:

His E-Mail is a STANDARD WS SCRIPT...

He is trying to PUMP HIMSELF UP for his date tonight...

I'm sorry that I don't have time right now to explain this real well..maybe someone else can come along....

I would say DON'T RESPOND...

Just know that all that you can do right now is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF...

You can not do anything to STOP HIM or to CONTROL HIS BEHAVIOR...

I don't agree with your therapist that you can be charged with stalking your own husband.

EXPOSURE...BRINGING THE AFFAIR OUT INTO THE OPEN..SO IT CAN BE SEEN FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS..IS AN ACTION THAT YOU CAN TAKE to start to bring this to an end...

I hate it that you have to go through this...

My dog left a load of this in my yard this morning.

Go gather your evidence. Nobody is going to charge you with anything.

Have you called the Harley's yet?