Alison,
where are you?

Surely he has brought DD home and you have an update?

Hi, H did bring DD home and we had a nice talk. Again - I realize that I am to believe nothing he says and only 50% of what he does - so with that said he BullSh*tted me hard core, but was very sweet about it at least.

We spoke a lot about Traci and how I felt that the way they were friends was VERY inappropriate and he said he can totlly understand why I feel that way and that he will not behave that way anymore...

He said that he would be honest, brutally if need be from now on because he is tired of holding back... I told him all I wanted was honesty.

He said he did want to work on our marriage and his way of doing that right now is by going to IC - which he said he truly enjoys and that it makes him feel better every time he goes. He said that us working out is still 50/50, but even if we don't (what a set up) that he wants us to be friendly, healthy parents for DD and that is all that matters.

He tols me that if we got back together that it would be amazing and fun and beautiful.

We learned alot about how different we both are and what makes each of us heppy in a relationship (he likes spontinaity and I like romance, but we never really sat down and talked about that before). I asked him if he would take a couple tests for me (EN & LB) and he said he would, but he said that he thought it could hurt us more than help us, and I told him that I don't think we can hurt this relationship any more than it already is...

That is about it. Not really sure how I feel about any of it, except that in the back of my mind - I have to tell myself it is all Bull!!!

Anyway - we are doing a limited contact week. Instead of seeing eachother (for wine) every night, we are doing once a week. No crazy phone calls, unless about DD or house stuff. I feel good about it. We both need time to get back on track with our selves - I know I do...

That is about it - nothing great, nothing horrible, just SSDD - so we will see...

Hope you guys had a great weekend!!
Alison

Alison,
Please consider the investment of calling the Harleys.

Is his IC pro-marriage?

I will have to ask him about his IC... I am considering calling the Harley's... Just haven't made the final decision... Still haven't gotten the guts to ask H again if he will do it... I may do it myself, but again - let me speak with my IC today and I will see what she says...

Is your IC pro-marriage?

You can make the call without your husband- get a plam going and then maybe again together.

Yep, my WH said this, too... "Regardless of how this ends, I want us to be on good terms for DD." When he was being a total a$$ about visitation arrangement: "I'm doing this for DD's sake"

His tune of "good terms" changed when I filed for divorce citing adultery hoping to wake him up. Apparently the "good terms" only apply when he's running the show. Be careful, Alison.

I know Sadmommy - don't worry - I take what he says with a grain of salt - I know exactly what he is doing... Thanks for your support...

He just emailed me

So much for limited contact.. Although that was nice and we did have fun, actually fun like we used to - dancing and listening to music and just being silly...

Moveforward: I am going to ask my IC if she is promarriage... She really wants me to concentrate on me right now and I think she is right about that... I am definitley going to treat myself like a queen - cuz that is exactly what I am and will not allow anyone to treat me differently...

Hey - should I respond to H's above email?? Or should I stick to limited contact. I was wondering which one of us would cave first - I guess he did... HAHA

Good to see you getting stronger. All he is doing is trying to enable more cake eating. I wouldn't respond, just be very busy.

Hi - just had IC and she is pro marriage - but a healthy marriage with an honest man. She is also a marriage counselor... Anyway - we are working on me. I am giong to get stronger to either help me save my marriage or help me to move on...

H has contacted me 2x today. I have yet to contact him.. HAHA...

Alison -

Most M counselors will say that they are Pro-M. Just be careful if she brings up the D word....

Keep on in your Plan A!

Kim

Hey Kim - Thanks for the heads up. She has never, not once brought that d word up. She knows how torn I am and is trying to deal with that... She knows I do want to save my marriage, but she also knows that I won't it is will hurt me and DD in the end...

I adore my IC. She really is great...

As for plan A - H and I are in limited contact, but when I do speak with him I will definitley be in Plan A... I had to take a mental break from it all, so I just needed some time to myself without H around as often...

Sounds Good! Glad you found an IC that you really like, sometimes that is SOOO hard -

I know you guys are in limited contact....I'm glad you are sticking around here!

Kim

My H and I are trying to do limited contact since we are actually separated... I have been doing great. i think about him, but I have not contacted him once today.

He, on the other hand has emailed and called twice. He just called to literally talk about nothing... He said it sounds like I bother you when I call. Is it okay that I call - and I said no, not really... Then he asked about DD and said have a good night...

I am not trying to LB, but I seriously need a break from the emotional roller coaster or I am going to lose it... How can do this? Do I answer his calls? How can I still try to be in Plan A if there is limited contact??

Alison,
A pilot does not leave the ariport without a flight plan. A builders does not start consturction without a plan.

A marriage is not going to recover with just pulling a little from here and a little from there. You need a plan.

Are you following Plan A or Plan B? There is no "Plan lota A, little of B"

I an not trying to be mean or negative, but you need to decide your plan and stick to it. Plan ABAABBA is not really going to be effective.

Plan your work and work your plan is a good motto.

What's your plan?

I want to do Plan A - that is my plan, but I also must step away from the "mess" for a bit... Is that not fair??? Plan A really is my plan - I am working on me and trying to meet his EN's, but he and I also need to give it a rest for a bit because it become abusive (verbally) on his part and neither of us want that.... So, I am asking for help with my plan A while in limited contact... Can it just simply not be done??

Alison -

Plan A is not easy. But it is important to meet his emotional needs as much as possible & not push him away when he is calling you & being COURTEOUS. When he calls and is abusive, you do not have to stand for that kind of treatment. Politely tell him that you will talk to him another time when he has calmed down.

Yes, yes! Answer his calls - talk to him when he is sincerely reaching out to you!

Kim

Kim - I feel he is not reaching out for me but calling becaus ehe is either bored or because it is a habit... There is a part of me that wants him to miss me and what I have given him for 4 years - which is a lovely, loving voice on the other end of the phone and a gorgious smiling face when he got home...

I am torn between "limited contact" and full blown Plan A. His IC and my IC both say limited contact, which I believe my H and I both agree on... I am just trying to plan out my "limited contact Plan A" - I know it can be done - and I WILL answer his calls... I can do this, I know I can...

Okay - so - Plan A with limited conatact - maybe I will be the first... I must grow and get strong on my own while still fulfilling my H's EN's from afar - it can be done - I know it can and I will prove it...

Go with what you feel.....It took every ounce of my being to Plan A my WH. And I do remember days where we were all in the car to have a family day. I had to turn around and go home b/c I couldn't hold back the tears. I'd send WH and DS out by themselves. So I can relate to what you are feeling......it's not easy ----

Has anyone pointed you towards the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A? If not, I hope someone will post the link for you.


I could not stand the WH, but during Plan A you want to attract, attract, attract. Build yourself up at the same time.

Many here are doing separated Plan A's, but usually it is the WH only who does not want the contact.....

Think of calling the Harley's see what kind of a plan they would lay out for you.

Good Luck!!

Kim

Quick question, Not sure if following statement or statements would be any sort of LB...

" What would you do if DD's husband did this to her?"

"Do you feel you are being a good role model for DD?"

Just wondering... Haven't spoken - just some thoughts that came to mind...