this is my second mariage in my first marriage my husband was a drug and alcoholic and beat me alot when we divorced i said i would never put myself through that again, i met my second husband and when we were dating everyone said not to becasue he is a fake and he i s6 years younger then i, you see in the first two years of our relationship he opend doors for me and held my hands and took me everywhere. he gazed in my eyes and our love making was perfect great and all the time, afer our second ann things changed and i tried to make it work all the time cause i dont want another failed marriage, we are coming up on our 5th and well needless to say im ready to go to court an file, you see he dont do the things that we once did he is always very critical of me andmy looks, if i get fat he will divorce me so now i struggle to stay 135, we got into a big fight three weeks ago and i had my things packedhe said he will work on being the man i was attracted too, but he hasnt tried, there is still no love making i get only excuses, he puts a pillow betwen us we dont even share the sme blanket, when i reach out to touch him he pushes me away, he has a bad habbit of pleasing him self and i tried to get involved with that but then he says i wont give him his own time, i ask him to take me places and there is always a excuse there i ask how is day went and there is no reply just the word fine, a stranger came tothe house and it was like i wasnt even there he told her all about his job and what he did that day he even told her about what work he did in the house, it hurt me so very much and when i brang it to his attention he laughed at me, theres no more kisses orhugs or even i love you and now i struggle to say it to him, i cry everynight and sometimes stayed uplate pondering what i am doing wrong, im trying to save this marriage but i cant love me for the both of us and i dont know what to do can someone give me advice any will do i cant tellmy friends but they see it we went to a wedding and when guys hit on me and i told them i was married they were like to who and i pointed to him and they say we thought you were brother and sister that hurts alot i feel like im going tohave to start over again and that i am a failure becasue i keep trying and trying and im not reaching him im lost im realy lost please can any one help

I saw the other thread you started. I didn't know which to respond to. Sounds like you're in a lot pain. Why do you think his problem is you?

Have you read the articles here by Dr. Harley? Or his book, "His Needs, Her Needs"? They solved a lot of questions for me about relationships. Maybe they could help you, too?

I know how hurtful it must have been for your H to talk so freely to another woman. Would it hurt any less if I suggested that he did that because he's holding all his emotions inside, away from you? Not because of what you've done, but because he's resenting things in your relationship that you don't even know about?

He didn't want you to leave. Maybe he can't find his way clear to tell you what is going on inside him. You can't make him do that. You feel he's rejecting you; you fear all the love before this was fake. It sounds to me that he is rejecting you--pushing you away on purpose, so that you will know what he's feeling without him having to say it out loud. Remind you of anyone?

Do you feel like you have to find out what you did wrong so that you can make it better? Is that what runs through your mind over and over? I know how you feel. Been in your shoes and they hurt like heck. I'm so sorry.

I'm not in them anymore. But it took a lot. Reading here was where I started. Gaining knowledge because my own reality was so distorted, I didn't know which end was up.

You're not alone.

LA

what should i read and where should i start i think the problem is me becasue he makes me feel that way, im osing myself and what little respect i have left it is like i dont want to go on any more dont worry wont do anythingits just this is how much it hurts not reaching him he is doing this becaus of the wy he feels? im going to find his need sher need and see if that helps but in the mean time do i say anything to my h or jsut let things fall where they lie he knows im hurt he sees my tears he knows what i want and what i want to give to him so what do i do?

You're right--he knows you are hurting and he knows what you are asking of him. Respect him enough to not do what he's doing--rejecting. Know that you are also correct that you do not want to hurt him, but you need to respect yourself, also.

Take your focus off of him while you study. This is about you and not losing yourself. In your first marriage, it wasn't just about being abused...it was why you felt you deserved it. Even now, you, looking for why you're being treated this way, is essentially the same thing, different abuse. God put you two together not to trick you into the same thing different look--he did it for a reason. Maybe you can find out inside you all the answers.

"He makes me feel that way." That kind of thinking gives away all your power, doesn't it? If someone can make you mad, angry, sad, hurt, happy...then what are you here for? I'm not putting you down. This was so important for me to learn that I feel I lack how to say it with impact.

Nobody makes you feel anything. You feel emotions. You do. When someone does something, you have a reaction. Your emotions and your reactions are yours. You choose how to react, but you feel the way you feel.

Stop telling your H what you need from him, don't want him doing or not doing. Take a time out to find out what you need (you can click on the Articles at the top of the page, and the Emotional Needs Questionnaires, too). You can discover in yourself what you need. I found out that my needs were normal ones, only I had them too deep so that nobody could fill them all the way.

I started with the Lovebusters and stopped them in myself. And I found out why I had been doing them for years. I took my focus off my H (and that was really hard!) and began with me. I'm the only one I have control over--so I thought I'd better get to know who I really am.

Stop trying to reach him and reach inside yourself for now. You don't know where this will lead--either to a better marriage or to a divorce. But this time, you do want to know the real reasons why, what your part is and how to have a healthy relationship, right?

That's what I heard. Just say your truth here and don't worry about being judged. People here understand and love without knowing you. I do because it feels like parts of me are everywhere here. Take a lot of deep breaths, try and stop yourself from constantly thinking of what you should be doing. Concentrate on just being. That's where I started. My counselor asked me, "Are you a human doing, or a human being?"

Are you considering any counseling?

LA

dear love thank u your words your words made me feel something fr myself and i dont know why but i think by what you said in this letter will help me start to help myself i do not understand this paragraph can u plese explain("He makes me feel that way." That kind of thinking gives away all your power, doesn't it? If someone can make you mad, angry, sad, hurt, happy...then what are you here for? I'm not putting you down. This was so important for me to learn that I feel I lack how to say it with impact) you mean i make myself feel this way not him because i let it gettome no dear yourenot putting me down i need to hear it i need t wake up so please be open with me always ok i often ask who i am and where i lost myself, im trying to find me again and its hard but i will take your advice no matter where it may lead i know i can keep my head up high one day yes i want to know the real reasons why, what my part is and how to have a healthy relationship, and evryone will help me here because i feel so week for some reason but i know i cna dothis i cant afford counsling at this time and i dont want my husband to know i want to do this but can u be my friend and every now then help me if i ask or not firs thow do i concentrate on just being <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Kathleen,

You got very close to understanding that you believe that he can make you feel a certain emotion, but that isn't a realistic belief. You don't make yourself feel, either. You feel things. You just do. All humans do. What you feel is information about what you are seeing as your reality. That's where your control comes in--your part. If you are asking for affection and your H rejects you, you feel pain. You feel what you feel.

Some people have said, "Don't let it get to you," and I think this is a kind effort but more difficult to describe. Maybe his rejection isn't about you. People who are hating themselves tend to act like they hate others (and make up reasons). This is your H's problem right now. You are whole, lovable and valuable. You always have been and you always will be. Because you ask yourself who you are and where did you lose yourself, I want to give you that starting point.

I, too, often asked myself who am I? You feel like you once knew but lost yourself along the way. You're aren't defective. You aren't bad at picking men to have relationships with. You are choosing a certain type of man to learn something from. You got wrapped up in the man instead of the lesson, maybe?

I'm happy to be your friend. You should know, there's a lot in it for me. Mostly, I'm still learning my own lessons. I relate to you because I see myself in your post, looking back at me. You're not alone, crazy, or wrong, toots. And you're here, finding that out. That's remarkable in my book. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you think you could look up an Al-Anon meeting? They are free and they are wonderful. You get to be with others that have wrapped themselves up in another person, too, and have come to find out where they begin and the other ends, unravelling the enmeshment. That would be doing good for yourself. Self care. Loving yourself while you find you again.

Another thing you can do when he degrades your appearance or anything else, is to say, "H, I love you. I hear that you don't like ___ about me. I'm fine with it. I like myself this way." If he persists that you're wrong, you have to say, "Stop. That's abusive. I heard what you believe and I told you that I believe differently." Look up "pieta" here for the next step after that. There are two phases. Remember, your H has opinions, not facts. You can respect that he has a different opinion, even about yourself, and be fine with that.

Abusive is when someone defines you--says what and who you are like it is a fact. It's not. It is separate from you. Only you can say who you are. That's what you have to protect and share. Make sure you are not doing that to another person, either. Don't define others. You have the right to your opinion--"I think you're rejecting me." Not "You are mean and hurtful. You make me crazy." See the difference?

Feel free to share with me who you were before you got lost, or who you think you were or want to be. Whatever you want. Being who you are is part of being.

LA

thank you for the response, i found a part time job my husband wants me to opena n acct with his name on it and i told him no because he did not ad me tohis acct so now we are arguing over that, the person iwas well i was a happy go lucky person i got along with everyone and still do if i let the person get close to me, i like helping others and giving advice its just following it is the hard part. i love amusement parks and zoos and parades, i loveto go out and dance and play pool, i love to ride on the back of my husbands harly. i love to bake esp for holidays, i like taking long walks and playing slingo on the puter, i like to talk to alot of people both male and woman. i love tohelp children and old people and i hate staying in one spot, i have a sarcastic humor some times but i can always make the person laugh. my heart is an open book and im often honest with othersif i can be there for a person i usealy am.i come from a family of 5 and am the middle child, ilike to wear nice clothes and often diet to stay in them.i like all kinds of music from all ageperiods. thers morebut im sensitive and bull headed all at the same time. theres more but im sure as the days progress you will all learn about me as i you can you tell me about you? I hope withthis job i find a friends wholike me for who I am becasue now im finding me again one day at atime, I looked in the mirror today and said I Love you i stared at it for a while,i cried cause i dont fully believe i do not yet it takes progress and isaid what do u wan tto do for you today so idindnt clean the house or make my husband bed got dressed and went out and got a job wish me luck as i find me the one thing that is important to me is being dependent more on myself to love me before i can love another the way i want to love themor the way that they will let me. H does not want to answer the quiz i said that it was fine and ended the conversation.

WH,

Sounds like the bank account thing is a matter for POJA...policy for joint agreement (on this website). Sounds like you haven't liked having him in control of all the money. Did you tell him how it feels? Is that part of the argument?

You once were a happy-go-lucky person but didn't let a lot of people close to you. I was the opposite, I think. I feared what people thought of me, was overtly friendly and tried to make everyone be close to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wonder if I've changed?

I loved helping others because then I felt accepted and that I mattered. I was always trying to fix other people (giving advice) because I could feel their pain inside of me and I wanted it to stop hurting me! I didn't take advice well, either, because I would look down the road and guess what it would be like if I did, and since I didn't like the feeling of the differences it would bring, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Also, I didn't like being told what to do.

Have I changed?

I love amusement parks and parades, too! I love rollercoasters because they bring all my sensations up higher to where I can really feel, and it is just about me. I get a kick of self-admiration and I laugh a lot on rides. I feel brave and admired.

The zoo is stinky, but a lovely walk. I never liked looking at animals like works of art, hanging on walls, caged for my benefit. I feel guilty at zoos.

I used to love to go out and dance, play pool and darts--anything as a game. Still do, but don't dance anymore. Working on that. I liked the attention I felt, the acceptance and watching people.

I'm terrified of riding on motorcycles. I did once, with my H before we were married. I can hang over 1100-ft building and laugh, but on the back of motorcycle, I am terrified.

I play Texas Hold'em on the computer (competing with my H again) and like you, I've never met a stranger. I love listening to people I meet. Children intimidate me anymore. I used to love being with them before I had my own.

Old people are fascinating and I keep imagining what I will be like when I am them. I used to be sarcastic, too, before I found out it is rather abusive; I love to be funny and hear people laugh. I did two rounds of stand up in the past year and really enjoyed it.

I like being leaned on but I find it hard to lean on others. When I have allowed myself to do that, I lean too hard, give them responsibility for what is mine and feel like I crush them.

If you hate to stay in one spot, that would be hard just to stay and be. I try to sit and do nothing, meditate a bit. I usually fall asleep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I used to be an open book because that's how I wanted others to be with me, so I could feel safe. I'm now an available book, will answer honestly, but not volunteer all of my thought and feelings just because I want to know my H's. I choose what is important to me to say and let the rest sit and be thought and that's enough.

I come from a family of four, with just a sister. We were adopted and aren't related. My stepmother was/is a clothes-minded woman and I made myself not be. I've wanted to change that, but haven't much. I only started working out last year and lost a lot of fat. I'm now putting it back on. I like how you have a priority to look good for you and you can diet to stay that way. Maybe I could do that, too.

When you find friends at your new job, make sure you pick female, 'k? I say this because I always had male friends. I thought everybody was the same beneath the gender. That lie led me to inappropriate friendships/relationships and I wouldn't want that hurt creeping up on you when you're so upset about your H.

I would catch myself comparing my H to another guy who was being nice and attentive; my H always lost in the comparison. Didn't help me to fall back in love with him. Now I don't let those thoughts get in at all, and it is easier to love my H without judgment.

Are you still going to fill out the questionnaires on your own?

LA

i copied and pasted it and havent got around to it, I will only make female friends only becasue i can be safe with them it will be only a work thing for now because the other four girls that work there can be my daughter, about the bank acct thing he says its my money and i work for it and so he chooses to spend it the way he wants it hurts that he gets mad at me if i buy things i like or even if i go holiday shopping he dont see it as a gift that i took time out for him he says oh look at what i brought, he dont give me credit for anything and if i say something which i dont think was wrong he looks at me and gets angry. when we did go out maybe this is why i stopped going out with him is becasue every time i showed that I was having a good time he got mad at me and took all the fun away which i dont understand because he is a people person and I am a shy person like you said i only let few in. I am more md at myself that i gave him this control over me i should of said no fromthe begining so its just as much me as it is him. noone likes being told what to do but for me sometime you have to give me a push in a nice way not a demanding way he dont see that, I think he likes to see me cry and he wont let me get angry for when i do he switches his emtions like a light a switch and nothing ever gets solve the more i try the worse it gets, I love this man with all my heart and need him to trust me. they say those who accuse of cheating all the time are the ones that will be doing the cheating, man im too old for that. I like amu parks but not so much the rollercoaster i feel like im going to fall out i did get it when we were in california at some park he held my hand and when we got off he made fun of me, he does this alot they say it takes two people to work on the relationship but one dont want to so i have to work on myself and thats hard to take the attention away from him. for when i do he gets angry with that he wants his cake and eat it too, he is so difficult, im going to die my hair and i brought make up to wear to work becaseu i need it ill let you know if he says anything, got to go clean keep in touch and thanks for the bio
how old are you im 42 but feel like im 18 most of the times and i look like im 50 we are her e in utah now for a few years my hubby is military

"he dont give me credit for anything "

Let me ask you why, why do you want credit? If he has a problem with gifts, getting angry over money, then why is it your problem? If you love giving gifts, are aware of what your mutual budget will allow, and give from love, then why need the credit?

When your marriage is healthy, equal and respectful, then honoring his desires with enthusiastic compromise, would be the honoring your marriage. Expecting him to be different than he is, and you know him, is like kicking your own shin, isn't it? You acknowledge you gave him control over you, but by the very giving, you know you only have control over you. Your choice. You can't really give it away, you can only pretend that you did.

You believe he likes to see you cry. Has he said that? Is that a truth he shared with you?

"he wont let me get angry" is that even possible? Or do you not allow yourself to show anger because of how he might react?

"thats hard to take the attention away from him." Is it hard for you to stop obsessing on him and focus on you, or is it difficult because of how he might react to that?

I'm now 44 (my sigline is a little old) and in Colorado. We're close. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Thinking of you, Kathleen