Here is my situation. I discovered on 12/13/05 that my husband of 13 years was seeing an OW. I found out by accident by reading emails from our business email account. I confronted him and he denied the affair until I produced the written documentation. He cut it off with the OW (so he says) and we went to one MC session. One week later he announced he wanted a divorce. He moved out on 12/22/05 and in with the OW. This week he says he is getting his own apartment - mainlly I think because our 11 yr old daughter refuses to see him there or have anything to do with the OW. His family has also disowned him and have been a great source of support for me. I filed for divorce on 1/3/06 because he said he did not want to reconcile. This week he says he wants to think things through. In our state a divorce is final 60 days from the filing, which will be the end of next month. Question - I have set up a meeting with him tomorrow and wanted to present Plan A. Is this the best route or should I just go to Plan B as he is already out of the house and does not really show me that he will cooperate?

Thanks for any help - this board and its info has been a great source of comfort to me.

BS - 47 me
WH - 43
Married: 11/27/92
Kids - 2 girls, age 22 & 11

Hi Payton, welcome to MB.

I have tons of hope for your situation. Your anniversary is almost the same as ours, and we have an 11 yr old DD as well, so I relate to you!

First of all, you do not PRESENT plan A to your H... you don't tell him a thing about your battle plan.

Should you try a plan A though? ABSOLUTELY. Read everything you can here about Plan A. I will post some more info as well.

Also, is there a way that you can put the D on hold? I don't mean pull it, reverse it, or anything - just put it on hold. Talk to your lawyer immediately - this D is happening WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY too fast considering that you found out 1 month ago today about the A. WAY too fast. Did I say it was happening WAY too fast? There is NO WAY you or he should be making such a final and definitive decision unless you KNOW there is NO WAY you would want to recover your marriage no matter what he did. Some people just know they can never forgive an affair. If you are not sure, I definitely think you should give Plan A a chance and put the D on hold for now.

I'm glad your DD refuses to see him at OW's house or see OW. She is obviously strong-willed and smart! And perhaps that will actually help save your marriage - your DD does NOT need to condone the A her dad, she is totally allowed to let him know it is killing her inside. He needs to recognize the truth of what he is doing to her.

Keep posting please, I will be praying for you.

MSA

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A - from Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Payton, I also posted a bunch of stuff for you on Just Found Out on the thread that movingforward started for you.

MSA

Hi Payton,

I'm with Mrs_STOWaway on this one. Things are moving fast! Too fast. She's done an excellent job of laying out some great info to get you going.

You're not alone and we're praying for you.

Hello Everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind words of encourgagement. It has been a VERY hard 4 weeks. 2 days before Christmas he moved out in the with the OW. We were and are crushed. I filed for divorce on 1/3 as that is what my WH said he wanted. This week he says he does not know what he wants. Our daughter, age 11 wants nothing to do with him or the OW and most likely never will. I had him come over to the house today to discuss visitation (alone at his mothers) and he said he is getting his own apartment this week. Believe it is just because the lawyer said it would be best for visitation and no judge in ****** would make this child visit, let stay at the OW's home. I offered him reconcilliation if he left the OW with no contact. Said he won't stop seeing the OW as he can't (sounds like the FOG). I followed the Carrot and Stick and Plan A basics. I spoke to him in a calm and collected, controlled voice. I pointed out to him the pain he caused all of us, especially his daughter and that their relationship is forever damaged. I pointed out that weher he is living is causing her and me great discomfort and that it was good that he was getting his own place. I showed him how good I look (I've lost almost 20lbs-due to him and his stupidity). I told him that I am doing things for myself for the first time and how exciting that was. He saw that the house was kept up and I was managing just fine without him. I asked again if he would cut it off with the OW and he said he couldn't. He did say he was open to starting over completely with me and exploring a whole new relationship and that he would go see a MC with me to explore that. But still not willing to stop the relationship with the OW. About her - she is someone he knew in college. She had one kid out of wedlock at 16, married, had a son, cheated on her husband, they divorced and the kids are with the husband most of the time. She is in debt up to her eyeballs and thinks she latched on to some money - NOT. I have supported this man for the last 13 years and we have been building a business together for 5 years. Everything earned went back into the biz. My full time job has paid for almost everything. So, the OW is not a prize...certainly selfish, not a good mother and a CHEATER! He can't see it of course and is textbook FOG! A postive thing from our conversatin is that he fessed up and told me he has been with 4 women - 2 one night stands and another woman for several months and then this OW. This has been going on for 2 years and he considered our marriage dead for all that time but never bothered to communicate to me. I was so trusting and oblivious to this man. Very sad.

When he left he hugged me 3 times and then kisssed me on the lips...what was that about? Not just a peck either....I still love him. He is a very good man, just very confused. His father did this to his mother for 22 years and of all 3 kids, he was the most traumatized. His first wife also cheated on him. He does not see the connection between these events.

I am torn...I am glad that we talked and he saw how strong I was. I hope that bodes well to the Carrot and Stick. I will stick it out a bit more and see how I feel. Part of me wants him badly...the other part says say goodbye.

Our daughter loves him dearly, but also hates what he did. His family adores me and has been a wonderful support. I have told many about what has happened - he has told nobody, choosing to keep her underwraps....what does this mean?

I have ordered Surviving and Affair and am getting counseling, as is my WH and daughter. My older daughter is 22 and out of the house - she is from my first husband who died very tragically 19 years ago. She is very sad also as my WH is the only father she has ever known.

I just don't seem to have good luck with me. I guess I am destined to be alone and right now that may the best option for me. Work on myself and enjoy my kids, my job and me.

Thanks alot - I have my church and prayers have been coming in from all over the country. I have received more support from strangers on prayer boards and this board which makes me feel so not alone and scared.

Any additional help is greatly appreciated!

Payton

Payton,
I think you are doing GREAT considering the month you've had. Really wonderful. Sounds like your daughters have a great support in you.

You are on the right track with Plan A. I really recommend calling the Harleys thru MB - I know money's tight right now, but it is well worth it. I feel like you are so close to bringing him around... he acknowledges he wants to, or at least is willing to, go to counseling and try to rebuild. He just needs to be set straight about OW. At least he's honest that he can't break it off with her, better than pretending he has or will, then false recovery.

And the ONS? My WH got honest about the same stuff once I knew about the long, big A... it hurts I know - it's like you have to rewrite history.

Lots of things bode well for the Carrot & Stick. But counseling with Steve Harley would help you know exactly what to do about the fact that he won't discontinue contact with OW. It is $185 per session, 60-80 min per session, and sessions will only be scheduled as often as your circumstances dictate... is there any way you can do that?

MSA

Also, I'm curious what prayer boards have been helpful to you? - I like to learn about new resources for people...

MSA

P.S. As far as the kiss? He can be in the fog and feel romantic "love" for OW - that doesn't erase his real feelings for you, his wife and mother of his daughters.

Thanks for your kind words. I do feel that I am doing really well considering everything I have gone through in the last 4 weeks...finding out, Christmas, my birthday, New Years - what an emotional roller coaster.

Right now I just think Plan B is in order. It is best if I just not talk to him or see him. Email is the preferred communication. I have already told him that if he is willing to loose all contact with the OWs, he can talk to me. Otherwise I have no interest is dating him and all the OWs too as he suggested.

Right now I need to concentrate of me, my daughters and getting through each day. The divorce is still on for next month and unless he wakes up prior to that it will go forward. With everything he has said and done to me, our kids and our families, his reputation and his career will be toast. He is in the public eye nationally and soon to be locally here. He has told no one of his indiscretions - I guess he wants to tell his version - He wasn't happy and I wasn't happy so we decided to part...NOT - he fails to tell people about his escapades the last 2 years.

I'll probably be switching over to the Divorce section as I have pretty much made up my mind that that is the right course of action. I know I deserve much better than this. I'd rather be by myself with my integrity and morals and my family than stoop to his level and spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and wondering who is with.

My daughters are humiliated and embarassed - how could their Father be such a RAT. I can't answer their questions and could even begin to try to understand. So we will move forward.

Thanks everyone for your support and kind words.

Thanks,

Regarding prayer request boards. I basically just google searched for prayer requests and started entering them asking for prayers. I received replies from all over the country - quite comforting. Here are a few:

http://www.womenoffaith.com/msg/default.asp?CAT_ID=35
I like this one - really thoughtful and sincere prayer from other women in our situation. They have a prayer group that prays together 3 times a day.

[p.s.women@earthlink.net]

Christians United [committed2prayer@hotmail.com]

RevJohn@GoldenKeyMinistry.com

http://www.GoldenKeyMinistry.com

Rev John himself has sent me several wonderful emails.

Prayer Ministry [sodprays@hotmail.com]

[springsofwellness@yahoo.com]

http://www.cbn.com/ this is the 700 Club. Call the 800# and they will pray with you. I have called a couple times again with great comfort.


Hope this helps...prayer is what gets me through right now.

Payton

Payton, thank you for the links, I will check them out. I think those are great resources that I never used before!

I am so sorry for your situation, I hope you are doing okay, and will continue to pray for you and your family. This is so impossibly hard on your daughters I know, and they never deserved one day of it and neither did you. It's a raw deal. All you can do is use the time to strengthen your relationship with God, the One who won't let you down or leave you.

MSA

I'm assuming you've talked through all the legal issues with your lawyer?

You say you and your WH are in a business together? Have you taken care of any legal issues -- his ability to get loans/money on your business assets? If he has no supportable income and the OW is in debt, then she may manipulate him into doing something underhanded with your combined assets.

I'd put all my ducks in order even if the divorce is put on hold or called off. He would not be the first to feign reconcilliation in order to get at some finances.

Just a thought.

Thanks...these resources have been great sources of comfort, but the pain is so unbearable. It is so hard to see my daughter go throught this..she is the most hurt and her Father thinks that nothing is wrong. He has destroyed his relationship with her forever. Hard to imagine doing that to your only biological child....I just keep telling myself to do the right thing and keep my head up high. I do belong to a wonderful church and have always had my faith...no one can take that away and its all I have right now.

Payton

Thanks,

Yes - all legal issues have been addressed by my attorney. He tried to convince me to just use his attorney and of course I said no. Need to protect myself and my daughter.

Thanks,

Payton

I'm so glad you have a great church - and you are so right, it is times like these that we realize that God is really the only thing no one can take away. And how great His faithfulness is to us!

I'm so sorry that he is doing this to you and DD11. There just is no explanation for how or why a person can be so selfish and inflict pain on their child. We're in recovery, and we still (neither of us) really can't explain how he could justify what he was doing to DD11 and DD6, especially being from a broken home himself. I wish there was a better answer than no answer.

MSA

Yep, my faith is really helping me. My daughter and I also joined a support group and had our first meeting last night. The program is called Divorce Care and it is through a local church so it is faith based. The children's program is called DC4K, Divorce Care for Kids, and their is an adult program at the same time. I dreaded going, but found it extremely helpful as did my daughter. For the first time I had this inner peace that I had not felt for weeks! I will be posting this on the Divorce section as well as that is where I am heading I am afraid. I know in my heart that in the long run it will be the best decision for all, but it is still very, very difficult.

Thanks for your kind words!

Payton

Good for you for seeking out help & support for yourself and your daughter. Sounds like a great program. I think it helps for the kids to realize that they aren't alone, unfortunately so many kids have to deal with divorce and all that it brings.

God is with you all the time, and loves you and your family so much, and has great plans for your life. Sometimes it's hard to see that or feel that in the midst of the storm. A very very helpful daily devotional for me that was given to me from a friend during the height of my crisis is "Streams in the Desert" collected/written by L.B. Cowman, edited by James Reimann. Very very helpful little blue book sold at Christian bookstores for putting some meaning into the intense suffering you are going through.

MSA

I discovered my WH was having a relationship in July 05. I had suspicions - late from work, lots of calls from his "buddy". I found that he was speaking with the OW by cellphone almost constantly. He travels all day and so has the ability to talk on the phone a lot. I found her name through reverse white pages and confronted him. He became angry and left after saying she was just a friend and that I was being ridiculous. Lots of anger from both of us but I calmed down and called him a day later and told him I loved him and that I wanted to make our marriage work. He came back and said he would not contact her again. He admitted that his friendship was getting out of hand and heading toward cheating but that he had not slept with her. I have discovered secret cell phones twice since then and finally the third time last week along with sexy text messages from the OW. I confronted him again and he became angry and admitted nothing. I told him that he had to stop contact with her or move out. He came home that night and admitted the affair but said he didn't trust himself to live up to promise of no contact. He moved to a friend's house (I hope) on 3/2/06. I continue to communicate with him lovingly asking him to go to counseling and save our marriage. He is in contact with the OW. He says he loves me and misses me but he has feelings for her as well. She is 28 and we are both 48. He is coming over tomorrow for dinner and I plan to ask him to move back in and work on our marriage. I will offer him my forgiveness if he will end the relationship.

I am so SAD but don't want to lose him. Does anyone have advice?

Mrs Stoway,

Right on!
My WH had a 2 yr A during our 2-1/2 yr M. D-day was 2/1/06. Exposed his A to his friends and family. His parents are devasted. Kicked him out that night. He stayed with his buddy. Forgave him on Valentine's DAy as my gift. He took advantage of it despite his claim to love me. We saw each other 2-4 times a week and it was not to discuss divorce. We had some of the best love making. And I thought we were on the right track for recovery. on 2/28 I asked him if he was having sex with the OW. With a straight face he said no. But my gut instincts told me he was lying. Contacted OW and discovered he's been having sex with her too.

On 3/1/06 I decided I was done and I wasn't going to allow him to hurt me anymore.

People who cheat have very low self esteem and don't love and respect themselves. Because if they do, they would know how to love and respect those they claim to love. It's all about them.

Each of us BS must set a limit to at what point are we willing to compromise our self respect and dignity. Reading so many posts made me realize and decide that I wasn't willing to allow myself the emotional abuse that my WH has inflicted on me with his A. I would rather be alone every day or for the next six monthsthan wondering if my WH will ever be faithful. Who knows, during those 6 months or so of waiting you may actually find someone who will be faithful and cherish you the way you deserve.

I'll be filing for divorce this week with my self respect and dignity intact. This is something that my H and the OW can never do.

Former First Lady, Nany Reagan once quoted: "A woman is like a tea bag. She never know her strength until she's poured in hot water." Your strength is moving on. Life is too short to waste it on a WS who may never undertand the meaning of loving him/herself.

I have never been on a chatt before and dont know how to start a thread.....

I would not give up on marriage. Sometimes you have to let God's love shine through you because you love can not. Trust God. Thats has been my struggle.

I'm also 32. My husband and I have been marriage 8 years. I was totally shocked in Feb to discover he had been having an affair with another marriage women for 7 months. He cam clean and I think ended the relationship. Here is the hard part.... he is not trying to make it up to me, he is not beggin for forgiveness, he does like to open up to me at all. He is so full of anger is scares me. We just started couneleing. He is quick to say.... if our marriage is like it has been for 8 years..."i;m out of here" if he is better than I'll stay. I am scared to get to angry or hurt becuase he thinks that means we cant get along and he'll leave. I am the victum and yet I have to be the strong one. This is the hardest think I've ever done.

I'm a controlling person so give up controll is a constant struggle for me. I'm so scared my kids will grow up in a disfunctional home. I have been reading Col 3. Its not that I am being fake but that I want God's desire to come through me regardless of my thoughts and desires.

I'm really struggeling too....