I am just curious as to everyone's reasons for getting a divorce, or why you are thinking about getting a divorce. I am in this situation, and am just curious to know what everyone else might be thinking or going through.

Thanks =)

I am divorcing because my H is having an affair and refuses to come home.

It appears we will be divorcing... because SHE wants out.

No more. No less.

She says she doesn't even like me any more, and cannot imagine ever liking me again, and so it's stupid to waste the time trying.

I don't get a choice.

I don't have a choice either...he is divorcing me because I had a brief affair, and he can't forgive me and work on the problems in our marriage.

Ah... but you DID have a choice... now he has one, and he's making it.

Hopefulcis,

Don't get me wrong. I totally sympathize with your situation... You know you did something wrong, and it's in the past, and you can't change it, and he's STILL going to judge you for it!!!

1. You earned it. If you're punished for something you deserve, then don't complain.

2. Do you have any idea how badly you hurt him? How can you tell him you're sorry for what you did if you don't have a glimpse of how deeply he was hurt?

When you figure out how badly you've hurt him, you may be able to communicate with him in a way that lets him see your brokenness... Don't be broken over the possible end of your M... You deserve that. Be broken over how much you hurt him, and how he DIDN'T deserve that.

Dr. Harley would call that "empathy." If your H can't trust you to have empathy for him, how can he contemplate staying?

Whether or not your H stays, you will be a better person for having that empathy.

I wish you the best.

Like Jean, I'm divorcing an unrepentant adulterer who won't come home and sees nothing whatever wrong in what he has done to his family.

Sometimes, life is too short to wait for the fog to clear.

Alph.

She had an affair.
Would not end it.
Filed for divorce.
She never looked back as far as I can tell. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

because he LBed so much and for so long that I have nothing left for him... and he still won't want it...

TD - yes I know what I did was terrible. I'm paying the price. I continue to do what ever I can to make it up to my STBXH (oh that's the first time I've typed that - sigh).

Jean - how long have you been trying to "save the marriage"?? What finally made you say - ENOUGH???

Alison

Hmmm, interesting question. I really wanted my WH to file for the divorce. But, after 3 months of him being gone and no money for groceries coming in, I had to file for financial reasons.

I might have filed for legal separation if that had been a viable option (in my state, it would have cost more to do LS than D). Once I get the temporary support set, I can sit on the D papers for up to a year. I will probably wait awhile and see if WH will make a move to get the D settled.

If he wanted to come home, I would talk to him about reconcilation. I have come to believe that this situation is the greatest test of WH's character that he has ever faced, I am kinda sitting back to see who he is going to be when he grows up.

1) WH wants D and will not work on M. He gave up!
2) I know that I tried and did my best to save marriage.
3) His dishonesty.
4) WH allowed SIL to call and gripe me out repeatedly.
5) DD found current letters to OW before WH mailed them.
6) WH talks horribly about DD in letters.
7) WH will not allow me to have contact with SS's.
8) SIL says "jump"; WH says "How high."
9) WH can't talk to me w/o calling MIL 2 minutes later.
10) I'm not allowed to feel hurt.

You try and pray until there is no longer any hope. Only then, do you try to move on w/o WS. That is when the real pain begins.

Wow - thank you Jean... I am really struggling with all of this and am just looking at every perspective..

Hope is work out in your favor!!!

In 1985 she came home and said she had a crush on a guy from work (I did not count this one cause I can't remember his name).

In 1995 she fell in love with a friend (Bob) of her brothers the day she met him - we almost divorced.

In 2000 she went away for a weekend with a friend. Came back and said she wanted a divorce. (Years later I learned a man from work went also (Matt).)

In 2004 she started her 8th job in 10 years. The first week she came home talking about "Steve". By the next week she is taking him gifts to work. Then she comes home crying every night. Then she loses a lot of weight, buys sexy underwear, new perfume, sexy clothes. She goes away to a conference with Steve. Comes back and says marraige is worse. I move out in Sept 2004.

She moves out in Nov 2004 to a house a block away. I move back home. She hooks up with Ed (since Steve wasn't interested) and goes immediately to a physical affair.

So... A guy from work, Bob, Matt, Steve, Ed....

I think it was time for a divorce.

I got a divorce because I wasn't happy and when I realized that I could find happiness without her, so did she. We didn't enjoy enough of the same things at the same time. I remember doing things with her that I really didn't want to do.

Depleted Love Bank.

I was not aware of the concept of Love Bank and LB's at the time but I was certainly aware of the rift that had been created in the marriage.

For me, it was insurmountable. Too much damage done, too many bridges burned.

I have since been introduced to this website which I peruse almost daily. I lurk mostly, but am always reading and always learning.

I filed for D because EX had an affair with a close friend of mine. I was willing to forgive and reconcile but found them together again. So I felt it was time to move on. Three in a marriage is too crowded for me.

Yep, pretty much the same to me too. I kicked him out thinking he might "wake up". He did alright, in someone's bed!!! over, and over again... even bf I kicked him out...

In the beginning I wanted to work on things, but not after 5 months...

WH had multiple affairs.

Left our marital home when I found out and does not want to return.

Continue to live in secrecy... he said he values his privacy.

Continues to lie.

Chooses activities that are big red flags-- being near skimpily dressed young women, child porn etc.

Continues to put me and our marriage last on the priority ladder.

This has been going on for years and I find no reason to 'cover' for him. He's sucking all my energy, I was becoming a possessive, jealous, angry person. Our marriage was barren. But most of all, it was the reason that he left and does not want to come back that made my decision to divorce him. A marriage has two person, not one.