I discovered over the Holidays that my h of 14 years is having an emotional affair with my next door neighbour and very good friend of 11 years. To say the least I am devistated. He is now out of the house. We are both seeing separate christian councelors. His suggests him coming home, mine suggests some time apart. I feel paralyzed. I don't know how to move forward yet I know we can't go back. I don't really want either option. I believed that we had a happy marriage with all the ups and downs of four young children and not enough time. Communication has always been strained with us because he just is too tired or to involved with movies. However, with the OW he seemed to have endless amounts of time and sleepless nights were not an issue. I am so shut down I haven't even been able to cry ( hard to imgine since I am usually very emotional). Where do I go from here? I am truely lost. I feel abandoned and thrown away. He is now saying he wants to work things out and has( as far as I know) cut off all contact with her. If I bring him home, she is right next door. It is in my face, and I can't get away from it. He betrayed me, but so did she. Help!!

crushed14, welcome to MB. Get the book Surviving An Affair and read it. Get your H home. Being separated just gives him time to continue the A. Any chance you could move?

Come on in and join the other lost souls. I think you need to get him home. But ask him to write a no contact letter to the OW. It should say that he made a big mistake, loves you, wants to work on his marriage, and will have no contact with her for any reason ever again.

Also you need to move.

what is your husband saying about all this...

is he saying he has NO plans to contact her
are they in contact...

what does he say...

ARK

Crushed -

So sorry for your pain. This is a great place for advice and support -

I agree with Believer, try to get him home. It must be awful having her next door. You are dealing with betrayal from two people that you know.

I would also agree that you need to find out if your WH will write a No Contact letter. If he is truly ready to break it off, this is the first step towards gaining your trust.

Kim

He is saying that he loves me and the children and wants to work things out but has strong feelings for her too. I am not sure that bring him home with her so close by is a very good idea. Our children have grown up together practically as siblings. As couples we have always been close, that is what makes this so hard. They are putting their house on the market, this was before the A came to light. My H says there was nothing physical, I am not sure I believe that. The children need me to be strong and I am. However, that leaves me in a state of emotional barreness. I am having a hard time accessing how I feel about this whole thing. I still can't believe I am dealing with this, it feels much like a bad dream. My councelor suggested some time away from each other so I could deal with my feelings. My H was not happy with this. He wants to come home. So much has happened in such a short period of time, my brain just can't absorb it all. I want to work things out, but I don't know if I am strong enough to forgive him and not always have these terrible feelings. I guess only time will tell. I pray everynight for God to take this burden away from me. I lay it at his feet and ask him for the strength to see this through. Thank you for your support.

"I want to work things out, but I don't know if I am strong enough to forgive him and not always have these terrible feelings."

The terrible feelings pass. It takes time, though.

Have you exposed to her husband?

I made him expose it to the husband and then followed up myself with a conversation. Her husband is fully aware but in a state of denial that is marriage is over ( was before all of the A). I feel sick for him, but feel it necessary to keep contact cut off.

Okay, that sounds good.

Now back to the problem. Your counselor is telling you to take time to deal with your feelings. How do you feel about that?

The MB program suggests that you can't do too much working on a marriage while you are living apart.

Does your husband have any explanation (read excuse) for why this happened? How was the marriage before?

No Marriage is perfect, ours included. He has always been hard to talk to. Only talking if and when he is in the mood too and answers most questions with " I don't know". He has difficulty talking about emotions. I don't. Our marriage has plateaued to a place where there was not much conversations about important things. I feel like when he was away on a long business trip( 3 months) he just failed to reconnect when he came back. That was about 3 years ago. He became distant, and a couch potato. I begged, argued, and fought to get his butt back in gear. I didn't know what to do. He eventually found a household project to do and sunk himself into that. It was when that was finished that he began the trips next door to "visit" our good friends. Looking back now I wonder what else I could have done. I feel like I asked all the right questions, he was just unable or unwilling to tell me what was going on with him.
As far as my councellor suggesting some time, I worry that he will give up on us and yet I know that when he did come back for a few days things seemes far to normal. Like nothing happened. Her view is that he is unwell mentally right now and needs some time before he will be able to come home and be aware of the pain that he has caused. Right now he is on a bit of a pity party for one, and although he doesn't necessarly mean it. I feel like he blames me for his A. I see her again soon and will decide exactly what I should do in the coming weeks to try to piece this all toghether.Thank you for you kind words and good advice.

Not being particularly remorseful is how the WS's here normally are. And I doubt that most will EVER be aware of the pain they caused.

You might try to figure out his top emotional needs - there is a questionnaire here. Sex and admiration are usually right at the top for men.