I am not new here, I have been "lurking" about for sometime trying to make sense of all that has happened. Trying to learn from the others that have posted in hopes to come up with some answers. My story is somewhat long and I hope that maybe some of you may have some wisdom that they could share. It started about a year ago after my H came home from being deployed. I noticed that he was not the same man. Of course I chalked it up to "re-adjustment" crap, little did I know. He was always telling me stories about the OW. Then I noticed he was constantly carrying his cell phone around, even while just sitting on the couch watching TV. Red flag number two. So I investigating and found numberous phone calls to the OW. I confronted him, he of course said that they were just friends and that he missed being around her. This just set me off! I was able to get him to admit to an EA but he said that that was all that had happened. He was adamant about it. He made me believe him. After some time I chose to forgive him, he told me that he would no longer contact the OW and I cancelled his cell phone to insure this. I asked him to write a NC letter but he never did. So I wrote this woman explaining to her that the relationship, however innocent it may be was still considered an A. How stupid was I? Little did I know he was still in contact with her and called her to warn her about the letter, so her H would not get a hold of it. I was trying to work on our relationship. I asked him to forgive me for not fulfilling his needs and that I was committed to US. All this time he knew what had really happened between the two of them and that he was still calling her on a regular basis. About six months later, the real D-Day in July I got a phone call from the OW spouse. He told me what had really happened and that there was a PA also. Apparently the OW was so guilt ridden she told her H. Unfortunatly my H did not feel the same way. I confronted him later that day and gave him the opportunity to tell me what really happened before I told him what I knew. Once again he adamantly denied that anything P happened. I lost it! I felt so betrayed yet again. Of course this was his wake up call or his "fog lifting" so to speek. He is so deeply sorry for what he has done to me. But he has no answers, he has completely "forgotten" everything. How convenient for him. I know that he wishes I could just forget about all that has happened, but it is not that easy this time. I did that the first go around. I do not know what to do! I hurt so much at times that is hard for me to breathe. I try not to think about it but right now it is so hard not too. It was this time last year the my H had his blistful week. And he walks around with out a care in the world while I have to deal with this emotional turmoil. Why is it that the BS literary gets the short end of the stick? We are the ones having to pick up the shattered pieces, try to make sense of them and fit them back together. As you can tell, I am feeling just a bit resentful right now. So I will end this exstremely long post for now. I welcome any advice that you "seasoned" pro's could offer.

Lost2

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. K, memory loss or at least aspects of forgetfulness are common. Thing is what you really or at least feel you need right now is answers to heal, right? Are the two of you in MC? Or can you talk to your pastor and get a go between. I might get it for saying this, but from my perspective seems to me a common theme that fwh do not want to talk about the A and take the route of forgetfulness to get out if talking about it or certain aspects of. ( hey this may be true of Fww too) What I have had to learn and make myself believe is that they do not do this to hurt us more but more is the like to keep themselves from hurting. I have also learned that sometimes they genuinely do not remember everything–so lost in the fog and a memory block protects them from the pain of their guilt.

But a go between might be able to explain to him that for the sake of your healing you need to talk about it even if he is unable to give you answers to your questions.

It sounds like exposure has worked to nix the A and or ongoing EA since his return so this is a good thing. Now the point is to work on recovering and this is where you may need some help with MC or pastor or even a trust friend that you will both listen too. I think you are on the right track coming here. Read all the articles here and consider purchasing His Needs and Her Needs and Surviving an Affair these are great sources to help you work towards recovery. You may also want to pose some of your questions in the general question area, there is a lot more traffic there. Hugs to you.

Thank you Sleepless!

I am sorry I should have given just a tad bit more information. Yes we are in MC, at his request after "real" D-Day. I had asked him to go prior, but got the typical response or better yet excuses. We have only been going for a few months now and I feel we are not making any real progress with it. I guess that is partly due to me not being patient enough. After posting this morning, I ran out a purchased His Needs / Her Needs. I was hoping to find Surviving an Affair, but apparently it is a hard book to get a hold of, so I ordered it. I should have purchased these items months ago. I guess I was just too embarassed. It is very clear to me that my H wants to save our marriage, now, but what I don't understand is why hasn't he taken the steps to do so?

Excellent that you got HNHN and ordered SAA.

If you don't feel that you are making much progress in MC, I recommend MB Marriage Coaching by phone - HIGHLY.

Very practical, very common sense, very positive, very immediate results, very future-focused, very concrete, very very helpful!

$185 per session, about 60-80 min per session. They will not drag it out longer than it needs to go as far as the # of sessions, they have plenty of customers, they don't need to milk it! It was the best thousand dollars or so that we ever spent.

There WOULD be homework, EN questionnaire, LB, etc... but the coach will tell you how to share the info in a positive way with each other. You would be surprised when your EN's are met, how you can move beyond some of the hurt.

MSA