I need someone to read my situation and give me some advice.

I found out my about my WW in October and have been on a roller coaster ever since.

We have only been married for two and a half years, but have been through ******. We were inseparable until I was deployed with the military in August 03. While I was gonr my WW had blow ups with my family and we learned she was pregnant. A very stressful time as she was sent to the hospital and almost lost our child. My wife is from another country and had no family here. We brought her mother to help out, but she became sick and became more of a burden than help. I was allowed to come home in late Jan 04 to help with these situations and a million other problems that had come about. When I got home it was harder than being in a war zone. We struggled, but continued a close relationship for a while. The baby was born in May on our anniversary. We still had a decent relationship despite many problems with our individual lives. She took a class in the fall of 2004 with the OM(he is her professor) and they started to develop a friendship. I did not have a problem with it and suspected nothing. She took another class with him in the spring of 2005 and always said how much she admired him. This past summer I left for the military twice. Contact was bad and our relationship suffered. When I got home in August I made sure that we were spending more time together. She had asked him to look at one of our computers to see if he could fix it. I told her I could fix it, but she said he was an expert and let him do it. He came to the house one day and I shook his hand, but something was not right and we did not really have a great introduction. She blamed me and said I am always nice and why did I treat him bad. I felt it was him just as much as me. Hurricane Katrina came through and I was asked to go to help with the military. I initially said no as I was going to get out in two weeks so I would not have to be away from my family again. She encouraged me to go and said it was a great opportunity to help my own people. I thought she was right and was getting ready to leave. By this time we had a conversation about him and I told her something was not right and I feared they would form a bad realtionship. She dismissed me and said it was professional. I missed her birthday because of the military and left for New Orleans shortly after. When I left we still had a relationship and said we were going to make things better and go to counseling. While I was gone, contact was rough and then one day when I called she seemed totally different. She did not seem to care and was bothered if I called late. She used to tell me to call whenever as long as I could call. I got back into town on his birthday. We met at home and it was horrible. She would not look at me. The kids ran and hugged me, but I felt our relationship was doomed. I didn't know why, but felt it was because of an A. I saw our phone records and where she and he would talk 20 times a day and at all hours of the night. I found a letter from a friend of hers that said that the WW was out with her new beau. I was crushed. We decided to try counseling. Of course it did not work and she will not go back because she feels pressured. The only thing I have asked of her is that she tell me the truth and stop lying. Of course she can't. She was said and missed her family, so I bought her a ticket to visit them in her country. I thought this would be good because she had not been there in 6 years. I found out that he was going to meet her there. I told her this and she did not want to admit it until even with proof from an email. That day she said she wants to separate and we decided we would work out the details when she returned from the trip. While she was gone things were good for the first couple days, then she became distant and accused me of being controlling because I would call. She said I was planting ideas in our daughters head because our daughter missed her terribly. We had a huge fight on the phone and in front of our daughter unfortunately. I told her if she wanted to go to just go. Our daughter was crying and my WW said I was unfit and a horrible person. She is home now and we are cordial with each other, but don't talk about anything. She says she will not live ny herself and is taking the kids. I told her I don't think so and that she is the one who wants to break the family so she can go by herself. She said no way and we have not talked much since. She has told me that this is temporary and that she just needs to miss me. She has said that she has to be crazy to want to without me, but she just doesn't love me.

What should I do at this point. I don't think she is going to leave anytime soon because she doesn't have the finances to do it. I know she still has a relationship with OM and he tried to pick her up from the airport, but I was there and he ran away. She says that she was wrong for talking to him so much, but that they are just really good friends. I have a copy of 'Surviving an Affair' and want her to read it, but don't think she will. Any help?

Sorry about the length

Start off by exposing the affair. Talk to the school the professor is teaching at and let them know of the affair. Also expose to the OM wife if he has one. The threat of loosing his wife and/or his job will cool his interest for a semester – or until he finds another meeker lamb to play with.

This is non-negotiable. You have not chance of recovery without this first step.

Other than that congratulation on your stance on not leaving your children. Do not leave the house. If she insists then she can leave. You do nothing to enable her to live her double life.

I just contacted his boss at the University and she seemed scared and acted like she kinda knew some information. This scares me. I made an appointment to meet her. I am scared of what will happen with my relationship because of this, but at least I am trying.

They are afraid you may sue the college. So you can have that little ditty up your sleve -she is talking to human resources now. He may be warned or if this has happened in the past be suspended or loose his job. Depends on his teure. You did the right thing if his boss is scared then stay firm. You did the right thing, Expect your W to blow up-pay no attention to what she says she will be very angry. This is normal -thye all do it. Good job calling.

Jib,

At the stage you are in, you have to be an ice-cube. Be cold and use the most powerful weapon that your WW and the OM have no access to... a clear head.

People are predictable, to a certain extent. Even if you can't force OM to behave, you can make his life a living [bleep]. You don't have to be, and, in deed, you should NOT be malicious. Do what you're doing out of strength and because you know you're in the right.

What do we know:
1. The OM is a professor.

That's ALL you need to know to start with. How much objective information do you have? Emails that are directly incriminating? Pictures? Letters?

Whatever you've got, and if you don't have anything that forecloses the matter, then get it, you can use.

As a professor, the only thing he really needs to worry about is doing something that might hurt the university/college. A sexual harrassment suit would be VERY bad for them. Although this probably wouldn't get there, if he has a propensity to sleep with his students he has probably violated an express clause in his employment contract as well as demonstrated that he's a VERY bad liability risk.

When you expose him to his employer, be ready to have all the information you need to take him down. Even if the university doesn't fire him (they probably will), if you expose him properly, no other school will employ him. As a matter of fact, I would be absolutely shocked if the school doesn't drop his butt, because once they have KNOWLEDGE, then continuing to employ him places them in a different position should any other student sue for subsequent harrassment.

If the boss doesn't sound receptive, say, "OK, I've got an interview with the student newspaper right after our meeting, and I suppose I have something to tell them when they ask what the University's response was to learning of the professor's predatory predilictions."

It's a sort of poker, but what have you got to lose. If you've got the proof, I suspect you're insulated from any defamation suit from him, and may even be able to counter-sue if he does bring an action.

Now... for the impact on your relationship with your W... Don't be afraid of the impact of taking out the OM. Be afraid of the consequences of NOT taking him out of the picture.

The problem that you need to keep in mind is that, despite the fact that what your wife is without excuse, it is NOT without reason. I don't care what your valid reason for not being with her was, the fact of the matter is that she was hurt by choices and actions you made, and you need to comprehend this fully. You need to understand how much you hurt her before she will be able to trust you with her heart enough to be ready to regret what she did to you.

Good luck!

I am afraid that my W will leave. What is they best way to prevent this at this point? She hides her money, so I am not sure if she can move out or she may move with him. He is single, makes good money, dresses well and speaks spanish. I don't speak spanish and being M can not compete with him in a lot of ways.

It is important to stay very calm at the meeting. Tell her that you want to save your marriage and keep your family together. Let them know that when you sent your wife to school, you didn't expect to have the professor hit on your wife.

If he is married, expose to his wife.

And yes, your wife will be furious.

Here's the bad news...

You CANNOT stop her. You can only let her experience the consequences of her actions.

You can make OM's life miserable so that HE won't want her.

However, you have to be ready for the fact that she may leave you. She may leave and never come back. You do not control her, no matter what she says about how manipulative you are (that's something ALL WSs say... ignore it, unless you can see that it's true, then cut it out).

Remember, manipulation is about forcing the other's hand by deception or coercion (including blackmail). Influence is about altering the conditions to make a favorable decision more likely.

I have asked her to move away with me, she said it sounded good once, but came back that we need to finish our education first. I can be a rock, have been for a while, but as everyone knows it is really hard. I know I hurt her, that is why I wanted to leave the military and still do. I have not gone to my duties several times now and am about to get in trouble. I don't care because I want my M to work.

Should I tell my W that I am having a meeting with the school?

My plan at this point is to try and have her read the book and come out clean. I am afraid if I tell her she will not be willing to try anything.

NO!!!!

She is your wife, true, but presume her brain has been stolen, and she's currently being controled by an insane extra-terrestrial being as if she were a pod-person or something.

If you tell her, she WILL try to sabbatoge you. Right now she thinks she loves HIM, and she WILL try to protect him from YOU.

It is what WSs do.

Do NOT get in trouble with the military over this. I work for the military (Naval Hospital), and see this happen over and over again.

Expose to the school WITHOUT telling your wife. She will be furious, and tell you that this is the last straw, now she is going to get a divorce, she was going to work on the marriage, now she is not, it's none of your business, how could you hurt him, you are crazy, blah, blah, blah.

But the best way to end the affair is to expose him, and that is the best way to save your marriage too.

I feel like such an idiot...I knew this was going to happen, yet I couldn't stop it. I just want my kids to have their family back. I will not tell her about the school deal...she will know soon enough from him.

I suggest you be open with people that can help you about the affair. That includes your superior officers in the military. Rather than get in trouble see about the possibilities of getting time off for medical or family reasons.

It’s strange but true that often when talking to other people they will show a willingness to bend rules and accommodate a person who is fighting to save his marriage. The reason probably being that so many have some experience of infidelity either through personal experience or through family or friends.

Just recently here on MB a member, after intense goading from other posters, told his boss he would have to cut down work to tend to his family due to his wife’s affair. Turns out the boss knew about MB and was very supportive.

And just to summarize:
-Don’t tell OM or WW you are talking to the school.
-Search the schools website for a conduct code for the teachers.
-Talk to a lawyer (or even post here) about the effects of an affair in case of divorce in your state. If it does have any affect then what proof is required.