The past couple of days have been a little more bearable and although I didn't expect to be pain-free anytime soon, I thought that I might be spared the anxious depair of earlier in the week for a while. So I was going about my day, somewhat zombie-like, but at least able to get some things done. Then I went out to get the mail and found a card from my grandmother addressed to "Mrs. John Smith". I lost it straight away. Very few people use my married name (and certainly not in the formal way that she did) and what is weird is that I haven't received any written correspondence from her in years (she's 95 and lives in a nursing home). Just seeing that name like that really took me off guard. I am no longer Mrs. John Smith, and in some way I never really was. Whatever we had was a complete lie, only I didn't know it at the time. I feel like such a fool... And what makes it worse is that I'm sitting here crying my eyes out over the loss of this relationship. Why can't I just summon all of my self-respect and just kick him out once and for all and move on with my life????

Me (BS), 36
WH, 40
1st DDay 11/05
2nd DDay 1/8/06
2 concurrent, long-term PA's
Living together through the post-mortem

{{{{{{{brnwyn}}}}}}}} I am so sorry.

If only it were that simple. Sometimes it is...sometimes it isn't.

What are the reasons that you feel you can't do this. Only you can answer that. Is it fear, love, anger...?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey Bronwyn,

I just wanted to give you a few words of support. I don't know your story, but can sympathize with how you are feeling. The little things (like a card) can sometime be the hardest because they catch you off-guard, when you are least prepared to deal with it.

You are in the right place. I know how you feel. My H had a PA for 8 months and I am still dealing with it. I, and many others, are here for you. What helped me to get myself together was this website and reading the books (Surviving an Affair is essential). If you haven't already done it, read the Infidelity FAQs and other items on here.

I say the same things that you did==it was all a lie, I feel like a complete fool, etc. All of this I said to myself, so I want you to know that you are not alone and I understand the pain you feel and the betrayal. It may not seem like it now, but you can get through it and you will be stronger for it.

I wish you well and hope that you will check back in. I will look for your story elsewhere and check in with you later to see how you are doing. The people on these boards helped me and I know that they can help you to help yourself, that is the most important thing, to help YOURSELF....

Take care of yourself....

Lem - I know the initial reasons for wanting him to stay -- practical (financially and to help prepare the house for sale), emotional sanity (it seemed too hard to be on my own through all of this) and I suppose deep-down I had hoped that there was some way we could work through this. I still love him, or the part of him that he allowed me to see, and it's very hard just to let that go. We've been together for 7 years and it's difficult just to walk away from that. I know I will have to eventually, but I'm just not ready to right now. Maybe that will change next week, or maybe it will take a month ore two, I don't know. I feel like a fish out of water and I don't know what to do with all of these conflicting emotions. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.