This is a question for FWWs... Specifically, I would like for FWWs who were actively involved when their H busted up the A, and who were convinced that they couldn't ever fall in love w/ their H again to answer.

What caused you to or how did you turned around decide to want your M to work?

Did you give up contact with OM or did he stop wanting to contact you?

How long did it take you to make that turn?

How long until you actually started to feel for your H again?

Can you describe how he helped you along in that process, if he did, and if he didn't what would you suggest to a BH (me) to avoid doing to avoid hampering my W's turn-around?

Thanks

Tempted Devotion...

Originally I was going to try and answer each of your questions individually, but I realized that for me, some of them overlapped...so I just thought I'd give the highlights of what brought me back where I always belonged...hopefully, it will make some sense and maybe there will be something that might help you...I sincerely hope so...

Our D-day was April 26, 2005...by August I was 100% back on board...Remember, everyone's timetable is different...there is no "QUICK FIX"...Here goes...

***The OM broke it off in June...My husband "spoon-fed" me information constantly after he discovered what was going on...info that he knew that I would repeat to OM...I believe that those "tidbits" were the catalyst that led to the OMs abrupt departure...OM was a very insecure "free-loader" type of guy...my H really had a great understanding of how to "attack" the OM's insecurities...Hopefully, Mr. Wondering will post to you about how to go about doing this...he truly became quite adept at it, without my even knowing...Also, I exposed myself to my own mother and told OM about it, HE DID NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL!!! Remember, Affairs don't usually survive the light of day...

Immediately following the break-up I began to frantically try to figure out how to keep things going, and asked my H for a separation, so that I could tell OM and then move to be near him...My H said NO(THANK GOD!!!)...

I began to come around(though I shifted in and out depending on my mood) when I saw my H acting like his old confident self again(He did this extraordinarily quickly-I'm sure he had to fake it at times) Remember that being clingy/needy is not attractive...

Something else that really made things move much more swiftly for us, was that my H was home almost constantly(we own businesses, so we were lucky to have that kind of freedom-the businesses did suffer, but our marriage was in SOS mode, obviously) At first, I didn't like him being around all the time...but the more he was around meeting my needs, the more the fog lifted for me...He listened to so much FOG BABBLE without judgement...nodded a lot and was very empathetic...the more he listened the more I felt comfortable sharing...I felt safe to open up, because he never screamed and yelled or made me feel like a terrible person for what I had done...He showed so much grace that I was awed(still am)...He even managed to laugh and make me laugh about certain parts...how he did this, I haven't a clue...he is the strongest man that I know...HE WAS (and is) MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN EVERY WAY.

In the very beginning of our relationship he and I were a VERY social couple...he made arrangements for babysitters, and we went out constantly...I got to see him in the original light in which I fell in love with him in the first place. We went to movies during the day while my daughter was at camp...comedies...

He said things like, if we weren't together, a HUGE part of your history would be gone...no one to share all the "I knew you when" memories with, ya know? He reminesced(sp?-I know that's wrong, but I'm sure you'll get it)with me-you know, "Remember the time...?" kind of stuff...

He sent me a link to a MBers thread in an email...I was actually first in posting here...Reading the stories of others helped me so much...when I read about other WW's, I could plainly see just how wrong what they were doing was...funny I couldn't see that in myself...Reading here allowed me to see how "cookie-cutter" A's are...I WAS NOT UNIQUE AT ALL...that's a HUGE shock to waywards...It also helped us tremendously to be able to discuss the problems here in the third person, then we could apply the solutions that we came up with for others to our own lives(we still do that)...This place has been a Godsend for us...we are so grateful...

He was reading SAA...he never asked me to read it, he just left it lying around casually...When I felt REALLY bad(withdrawal), I picked up that and other literature he left here and there and began to read of my own volition...

All these things combined began to lift my fog slowly, but steadily...I know there was more, and if I think of other significant things, I will post them to you...

You're in my prayers...it's a VERY tough journey, but it is most certainly worth it at the end of it all...Our marriage is better than it's ever been...


All My Best,

Mrs. Wondering

I have these same questions. Thanks for the heads up. My D-Day was just about 7 days ago. and now in the 'fog' I guess. To us going through this - success stories keep us going/fighting.


-'If you strike me down, I will becaome more powerful than you can imagine'

If you could, go into the confidence thing deeper. I know I feel like sh*t and some days I'm hanging low. Give more account to your sitch...

ltw...

I think that you are directing your ?'s to me...right? Are you asking about attacking OM's insecurities, or my H being confident? Either way, it is Mr. Wondering's advice that you could use there...start a thread giving him a "shout out" about it...if I can add anything to it, I'll chime in...K?

Best,


Mrs. Wondering

ltw and Tested...

You guys both might benefit from reading Mr. Wondering's post on the "Thread for FWW's" started by dorry...

Mrs. W