I was out tonight and WH was babysitting DS10 and his friend (who is sleeping over). They had a social tonight at school. WH went out to get them a pizza and left them alone (which is okay). However, after I got home and WH left, I checked the history file to see if WH had visited anything interesting while I was out. Low and behold, I see playboy and aussie girls and college sluts. WH has never in the 23 years I've known him purchased these magazines or looked at internet porn. Besides, he's "technically challenged".

Son & his friend were on the computer. I called WH just to be sure it wasn't him and it wasn't. I am really angry and so is WH. He wants me to wait until he comes back tomorrow before I speak to DS. This is what bothers me:

1. I know it was his friend. DS has never visited these sites and wouldn't know how to find them. His friend has a best friend with an older brother. This 3rd friend was over once a few years ago and said some really inappropriate things to my son about sex. I think he was telling him about oral sex when they were in 1st grade. Since DS's friend hangs out with this kid, I'm guessing this is where it's coming from. My son and the friend over tonight are only children.

2. They went to a social at school tonight. They are 10 years old and looking at inappropriate pictures of naked women on the computer beforehand. It has shattered my view of his innocence.

3. I don't know how to handle this. I know it is a rite of passage, but age 10? I'm also concerned about the whole issue of women objectified as sex objects. I also don't want to scar him for life by saying the wrong things.

I'd be grateful for any advice. How do I approach this conversation. What are my talking points and what are the consequences (other than obvious loss of computer priviledges)?

A sidenote: When I called WH to ask if it was him visiting these sites he gave me a resounding NO! He said have you ever known me to look at that stuff? I said no, but I have never known you to do a lot of things you have. He was indignant that I thought he was looking at naked pictures. I'd rather have him do that than have an affair! WTH?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like a computer-monitoring censorship program is in order - Dr. Laura talks about one (can't remember the name) and so does Dave Ramsey... I'm sure info is on their sites? I would do this rather than pull him off the computer alltogether.

I just consulted with FWH... we agree that it is a 'rite of passage' in some sense, and explaining that men are "wired" to be visually stimulated. HOWEVER, also focus on WHO these girls are, respect, that you know it is interesting (is that the word?) to them, but it isn't appropriate, and it sends poor messages about women. Explaining that these women are not the horny, lusty wenches that are displayed, but more likely air-brushed, possibly drug addicted, possibly homeless, possibly exploited girls who are making probably poor choices they will regret.

And of course, a good dose of supervision by your WH when he is "babysitting" is important as well! Let us know how your son defends himself!

MSA

Shattered...

I don't have any insight for you, just wanted to empathize with you...My DD6 has been getting off the bus lately, and telling me things like..."sexy, means getting naked with a boy"-Yikes, the oldest kids on that bus are in 3rd grade for goodness sake...I'm certainly not a prude, but c'mon...I liked that I was an innocent for such a long time...comparatively speaking...I'm not sure how to handle this stuff at all!!! Prayers 2 U!

Mrs. W

Don't overreact. Discuss it with husband, er xh, and come up with the solution that works for both of you. Remember, POJA.

By viewing porn in your house your son is essentially being disrespectful of you as a woman. Perhaps you discuss boundaries and standards. Your boundary is you do not wish to be disrespected in your own home by your own son and his standard should be that he does not wish to disrespect his mother and denegrate woman as objects. Those woman in the pictures are not real and will never love him. They will always be there and never grow up or change. They are a fantasy which by simply looking at your son is disrespecting every woman he will ever have a relationship or simply a friendship with.

Sex is not bad. Son is not bad. Looking a porn is bad and unhealthy and you as his parents are obligated to teach him right from wrong.

I will be interested in what others say here because I know that no matter what you do...boys will be boys. The question is how to get him to know it is wrong and not to ever become addicted to it.

Mr. Wondering

Oh How I love this man!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

shattered, I had the same thing with my DS11 he had a friend over one afternoon. I went to the shops and left them alone for a half hour or so. I often would check the kids computer for inappropriate stuff. But this day I went and checked internet history. There were three entries in this order, pawn, seks, and then [censored]. I was annoyed and amused at the same time. Obviously their spelling abilities are not too good. obviously the first two didnt work so they went for the obvious. I did explain that it was inappropriate and tried telling them although it is curiosity on thier part but that kind of information is not what they need. The lost internet privilages for a while then had one of those blocker things put on puter. Havnt had anymore incidents so far but I think that knowing i check their puter is enough to dissuade them from trying again. It is a horrible feeling sometimes to think that our innocent children are growing up and that what they hear outside of the house is nothing we can control apart from giving them the right information and hoping they listen. Cheers

Thanks for your responses. I just went upstairs to talk to them because my heart is pounding! I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I didn't say anything.

I asked them what they were doing on the computer. My son's friend started to lie saying oh oh oh I accidentally put it in there. I said NO! You did not accidentally do anything! What were you doing on the computer?! Friend: well well I I ah ah it came up and we . . . "I said DON'T BS me! It did not just come up you specifially went to this website on purpose! Where did you hear about this?"

My son's friend finally admitted that another boy (not the one I was thinking of but another troubled boy) told him about it. I told them I was very disappointed in them and that it was not appropriate for them to be looking at it, especially before their 5th grade social!!! Ugh! I could hear them crying when I came downstairs.

I'm sure I didn't handle it appropriately and I am steaming mad! It's hard to even have a discussion about it because they are 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before I can even "discuss" it, I would have to explain what a slut is and all the rest of the pornographic crap!!! My son just got a very very very watered down version of sex this summer (from mom of course). It was explained from a purely scientific reproductive perspective.

Well I am just all around disgusted and I think I am going to bed. I'll check back tomorrow.

Mr. Wondering:

I just saw your post! See I"m not even seeing straight! Your wife is right, that was an excellent post. That is what I was trying to get at. You are not bad, sex is not bad, but this is disrespecting women. You da man! Thank you.

All2hard (sorry but I'm chuckling at your name right now, poor timing):

I had to laugh at the search words. At least there was no question as to who it was huh?

Thank you all, my heart has slowed a bit. Off to bed I go.

IMO, your husband/xhusband should be the one delivering the message I posted above and you should be careful confronting your son in front of another boy. Pretty embarrasing to have your mother discuss or chastise you regarding sex and/or pornography in front of your friend. It can come back to bite him at school.

It is completely normal prepubescent curiosity.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

I have a 18yr old boy..well man I guess now he's joined up but he's still MY BABY ..lol a nearly 20 yr old daughter and a new baby - boy 6 months ..so I've been through all of this & its hard to handle it 'right'!!

The first instinct was absolute outrage ..my little innocent boy looking at NAKED female bodies..yada yada you get the idea.
However my DH handled it much better than I.

Took him for a walk and asked him why he was looking - yes I'm sure he cracked a few of THOSE jokes hes Army too - but he got our son to start talking, curiousity basically and yes its normal. Most boys & yes girls look. Most never get hung up on it. So dont get too worried about that.

However, that said, DH also made it VERY clear he could ask ANY questions he wanted, of him or 'gulp' me and we would answer him or 'blush' find the answer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
It was also made clear that PORN was not just 'fun' and that there was nothing glamourous about it - told about drugs and STD's - gave him the talk he gives recruits but a bit gentler, and then the bottom line .... porn was not welcome in our home.

So did he look at porn over the years ..yes - he's admitted that ..then he really 'discovered' girls and that all became a bore. Lets not talk about THAT discovery ..its a book in itself!

There is no right way I think, but a good way is to not overreact and exlain the realities. The wrong thing to do is to excuse it as ok & ignore it. It a balance ..like most things in bringing up kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

What's really scarey now is that when I was a girl (11 when my best g/f and I discovered her father's supply of mags and "sex" books) Playboy and Penthouse were pretty tame. I mean they were definitely not good reading for young girls but the internet is so scarey. That stuff is not good. I only know this BTW because when the pop-ups pop up they're very graphic.

But, yes, normal curiosity. I'm sure they've all discussed it between themselves at school.

Not very helpful to tell you any of this as when my kids were teenagers the internet was in it's infancy. We did notice that our copy of "Joy of Sex" went missing for a while but didn't say anything.

Having said that, my kids were normal kids with normal curiosity. I was shocked when my DD graduated HS, the sort of things they wrote in their private yearbook to each other but they're now 27 and 25 and the most well adjusted adults you could find (relationship wise).

I really feel for you. I have a DD10 and the language that comes back from school is worrying. Other people's children's influence will always be there so we can only teach our own children appropriateness and enforce their own self esteem while bolstering good family values.

Here's a site I found through google...scroll down to the "teen viewing porn" question and the advice given http://www.familiesaretalking.org/ask_amy/

I think for your own piece of mind you need something like Net Nanny on your PC so that they can not get to innapropriate sites. Have a look at Amazon. If you have a DSL router it may have a "block sites" facility...my Netgear does and I can put in keywords as well as URLs.

We use Linksys on our home computers. You can set up multiple users with passwords and then block certain categories specific for each user. There are reports that can be reviewed online which show all internet activity including email and IM.

As you can see from my sig below, my WH had an internet affair. This was software he found (yes, he's a techie) that was powerful, flexible, and had good reporting. He wanted the best to make me feel safer - like he says, he's totally transparent these days. the software had the added bonus of monitoring the online activities of our two teenage sons.

Good luck to you.