I don't know what to think, but I know I need advice and quick. It all started with the Nov. Alltel bill. I was looking at it wondering how anyone could talk so much. I was scanning my husbands calls and came across a number that was called several times a day. 140 times this month, not minutes.... times!!! When he got home from work I was still looking at it. I asked him who's number was ***-****? He said he didn't know. I said you called this number or this number called you 140 times and you don't know who it is? He then told me it was ***** and that they bowled together on Wednesday nights. When I asked him why they talked so much he said because they where friends. We have both known her since she was about 9 years old. We got into an argument and he left to take our son to the rec. center. I called her but she hung up on me when I said who I was. I called her back and told her not to hang up on me, that if she wanted my husband then she could have him! She said that she didn't want him that she was married with two kids and hung up on me again!
I have since ordered the past year of Alltel bills and they have been talking since Dec. 2004.
43 calls on the Jan. 2005 bill and steadly going up to 140 calls for Nov. 2005. I confronted him on Dec. 4th 2005, there were 41 calls in 11 days on that bill!
He refuses to quit the league, he says they are the number one team and he can't let them down. Also, I am not allowed to go up there and ruin his fun, and he does not need a babysitter! He still does not come home right after bowling, last Wednesday was our anniversary, I stayed home taking care of my sick grandson and he went bowling. He got finished at 9 pm. and stayed an hour extra to "watch the football game until half time" When asked what ***** was doing, he said shooting pool!
My husband has always come and gone whenever he feels like it and I had no problem with that, he goes fishing, bowling, to his friends to watch football, the Keys fishing twice last year and I have never complained..... Boy, do I feel like a fool!!!!!
Is he or did he have an affair??? Could they be just friends?
The lies he has told;
1. Doesn't know whos number that is.
2. Has been talking to her for over a year and kept it a secret from me.
3. Has bowled on at least two back to back leagues with her and told me he was bowling with dikes.
4. Lied about how much time there is left in this league, 4 month to go... I don't think I can take it.
5. Lied about her daughter and our sons karate classes. He said he doesn't see her on Mondays because her daughter goes in at 8 pm. Wrong, it's back to back. Plus the whole time our son is in karate class he is/was in his truck talking to her on the phone!!!
What do I do??? He won't quit, does that mean there is still something going on? Would the affair (if it is one) stop because I am now onto him?

Very sorry to hear your news. You're not crazy, there is defnitely something going on. No they're not just friends. If you've had time to read the background material on this website, you've seen there is such a thing as an emotional affair (EA). This many phone calls means there is at least an EA. But in all likelihood it's physical (PA). Very sorry.

Aside from his current affair, can you say more about the state of your marriage? More marital history, how you get along in general, etc? Any past experience with marriage counseling (MC)? To help your readers understand the situation better...

You will find a lot of support here. I suggest you keep posting on MB. I've probably had 50 kind and generous correspondents here in the last six months. They've definitely helped improve my marriage's chances (my WW had 2 A's last year), and I think MB can help you find ways to deal with these difficulties. The problems can be overcome, and your M can get better.

If you haven't read much on the MB site yet, you will probably be surprised at how much there is to learn. Dealing with an affair is counterintuitive. Many of the instinctive reactions will not help your M, and will decrease the chances of coming to a happy conclusion. You may particularly benefit from the idea of avoiding LoveBusters. If you were to LoveBust it could drive your WH into the arms of OW. You want to make yourself attractive and appealing in every way, etc.

Don't despair, things can get better!

Suggestion: You may want to restart your thread on Infidelity-General Questions II, which gets more traffic and you will find more correspondents there.

With God all things are possible.

Dear Weneedhelp
OK, some background. My husband and I have been married 11 years. I have a 21 year old daughter, and we have a 10 year old son. Daughter and grandson live in their own apt in town.
I thought my husband and I had a great relationship, Our families are close and get together often. We attend baseball practices and games together (I didn't know he was talking to her on his cell phone while I sat on the bleachers!) GRRRR!
He takes our our to karate class on Monday and I on Wednesday because he's bowling. Her daughter takes karate class right after our son. I saw her husband and daughter last Wednesday. On Mondays he would sit in his truck and talk to her almost the whole time our son was in class. My husband told me he doesn't see her on Mondays because her daughter takes class at 8:30.
Sorry, back to our relationship.... My husband does any and everything he wants. He just tells me he is going fishing, bowling, to a friends house... Where-ever, and I never questioned it. We have a great sex life, we do it different places, different times, fool around in the pool, car, whatever, I'm game! I just don't understand! That was until three or four weeks ago anyway..... After receiving the bills I just want to know the truth so that I can deal with it.
I am thinking that I need to tell him that we need more time together and that he shouldn't go fishing or whatever. But then I'm afraid that he will think I will never let him out of the house alone again.
He tells me he wants the cell phone bills so that he can throw them away, I won't give them to him and he gets angry. He says that if I would just stop looking at those d*** bills then everything would be ok.
I don't think so!

This is how I found out - 187 cell phone calls up to 11 times in a day. I found it useful to place those into an Excel spreadsheet and plot it several ways. I plotted frequency versus days and what I found most interesting was plotting the time of each call during the day and then I saw an obvious pattern. What I found was she was even calling while I was in the shower.

I thought I had the perfect marriage and thought we were happy.

I am sorry but it does sound like he is up to something. There is no reason why he should want to hide anything from you unless he has something he needs to hide. If the relationship is not yet physical, it is not far off IMO.

Dear vettech, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through with your husband. The first thing I thought of when reading your sitch is this. The OWH has a right to know what you know. Have you thought of confronting him with the calls that have been going on for a year?

I would hide the copies of the bills well. It looks like your H doesn't want you having them. He's afraid of who else might see them.

Has your H went away on overnight trips in the last year?

Lady