I don't know what to think, but I know I need advice and quick. It all started with the Nov. Alltel bill. I was looking at it wondering how anyone could talk so much. I was scanning my husbands calls and came across a number that was called several times a day. 140 times this month, not minutes.... times!!! When he got home from work I was still looking at it. I asked him who's number was ***-****? He said he didn't know. I said you called this number or this number called you 140 times and you don't know who it is? He then told me it was ***** and that they bowled together on Wednesday nights. When I asked him why they talked so much he said because they where friends. We have both known her since she was about 9 years old. We got into an argument and he left to take our son to the rec. center. I called her but she hung up on me when I said who I was. I called her back and told her not to hang up on me, that if she wanted my husband then she could have him! She said that she didn't want him that she was married with two kids and hung up on me again!
I have since ordered the past year of Alltel bills and they have been talking since Dec. 2004.
43 calls on the Jan. 2005 bill and steadly going up to 140 calls for Nov. 2005. I confronted him on Dec. 4th 2005, there were 41 calls in 11 days on that bill!
He refuses to quit the league, he says they are the number one team and he can't let them down. Also, I am not allowed to go up there and ruin his fun, and he does not need a babysitter! He still does not come home right after bowling, last Wednesday was our anniversary, I stayed home taking care of my sick grandson and he went bowling. He got finished at 9 pm. and stayed an hour extra to "watch the football game until half time" When asked what ***** was doing, he said shooting pool!
My husband has always come and gone whenever he feels like it and I had no problem with that, he goes fishing, bowling, to his friends to watch football, the Keys fishing twice last year and I have never complained..... Boy, do I feel like a fool!!!!!
Is he or did he have an affair??? Could they be just friends?
The lies he has told;
1. Doesn't know whos number that is.
2. Has been talking to her for over a year and kept it a secret from me.
3. Has bowled on at least two back to back leagues with her and told me he was bowling with dikes.
4. Lied about how much time there is left in this league, 4 month to go... I don't think I can take it.
5. Lied about her daughter and our sons karate classes. He said he doesn't see her on Mondays because her daughter goes in at 8 pm. Wrong, it's back to back. Plus the whole time our son is in karate class he is/was in his truck talking to her on the phone!!!
What do I do??? He won't quit, does that mean there is still something going on? Would the affair (if it is one) stop because I am now onto him?

He is having an affair, I am sorry to say. But the first thing you have to do is get the goods so you can bust up the affair. The way to bust up the affair is to get the goods and then expose the affair to the OW"s husband and other key people. Exposure is ruinous to affairs.

An easy way to bust him is to put a hidden tape recorder in his truck. They are easily hidden and you can buy one at Radio Shack.

Once you rule the affair in or out, we can help you with next steps.

Ahhhh, another "bowling buddy"!!

Before I give you my WH's bowling experience, I will tell you:

(1) If he is lying and sneaking it is at the very least inappropriate, red flag for an A even if it is an EA without P contact.
(2) If he insists on carrying on an opposite sex friendship without inviting you it is inappropriate. red flag
(3) If he is fighting to stay on the league or to have contact w her against your approval it is a red flag.
(4) If it is an A of any kind, it will not necessarily stop because you are "on to him". They will just get a little sneakier. (or he will)

My heart truly goes out to you as I have been dealing w almost the exact sitch since March of 05 (my d day)

I know the league my H was on bowled until April or May depending on how many weeks were left. When did he start the bowling season? They are usually scheduled for a certain # of weeks in the season.

Same senario as my H, I got suspicious as OW (mutual friends of ours ---or so I thought) started to call my H on the hard line at our house toward the end of the season, and ask him to come to the bowling alley early for dinner before the game started. (with other team members of course) and then he started to meet them (she and a girlfriend) for drinks after the season ended and before the bowling banquet.

The first red flags for me came right from the horses mouth......in his responses to my questions.....(me) "how do you feel about ----? I know that she is a friend but what kind of friend and how do you feel about her? (H).."I don't know" (me).."Hmmm, well, how do you feel about her?"...(H)..I don't really know!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Lots more transpired after that, and ALL were huge red flags for me....(H a few days later) "Why do you seem so distant?"...(me) "Well, I don't particularly like the fact that my H might like someone else besides me."....H started to cry and really get a little hysterical "I didn't want this to happen, I never wanted this to happen, I don't want to loose you!"...(me very calmly as I was in shock).."These things sometimes happen in a M....what was it that you didn't want to happen?"....(H)...I didn't want you to THINK there was anything going on with me and ----!" "I didn't want you to THINK that!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I just have never bought that response. I freaked out (not the way to handle things, MB will tell you that showing panic and freaking out will only make the sitch worse, but I had not found MB yet and freaking out is a NORMAL reaction) At that time, bowling season was at the end and I thought at least I would have the summer to process things without H and her seeing each other.....wrong......I accidently (and I do mean accidently) found her contact # and calls to her on his cell phone, as I was using his at the time....I could go on and on but we need to help you with your sitch as you are in the throws of it.

You need to be really sneaky yourself and try and find out as much as possible (hard proof of something) before you confront him again.....He will just deny it, deny it, deny it unless you can come up w some proof.. If he thinks you are on to him, he will definitely go deeper into hiding....Read as much as you can of the articles about infidelity on this site....also I purchased a book called "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Learn as much as you can about infidelity.

To me, the lying and sneaking and hiding are a dead giveaway for an A. Either emotional, physical, or both....try (and I do mean try as it will take alot on your part) not to panic....for me it was nearly impossible not to....but TRY......Post as much as you need to on this site....the people here are wise and gentle and loving and very very supportive....it is hard if not impossible to go thru this alone.....We have all been where you are and have a very good idea what your going thru. Take care of yourself and YOUR needs...be good to yourself....you will need to in order to get thru it.

Hugs and Blessings,
Tarehurts

Dear Melodylane and Tarehurts77
Thanks for the input. I have a question about the tape recorder. It's voice activated right? Does it make any sound when it's clicked on or off? (Don't need him to hear this thing!)
Bowling lasts 22 weeks and I believe they started at the end of October. He calls her or she calls him after bowling around 9:15 pm. Then they would call and talk to eachother again a couple of hours later! Meeting somewhere and then calling to make sure the other made it home? I don't know what to think! When I asked him about it and why they were calling eachother two hours later, the response was... Duh,I don't know!
He acts like everything is ok, talks about the pool, our son's baseball or karate class, going fishing again this Sunday... (His only day off) Anything except what I want answers for or have questions about. Then we blow up on Wednesday nights and he wants to know why I'm acting this way when things have been fine for the last few days. It isn't fine, he just refuses to face it!

vettech, there is one that is voice activated and I am certain it doesn't make a noise when it clicks on or off. I would suggest starting up another thread asking for suggestions about voice activated recorders, though. Others have used them and know about them.

He is avoiding facing it because he can get away with it. But if you have the goods on him and expose to the OW's H, he will have to face it.

The recorders that make click sounds are those (now ancient) miniture cassette recorders. You must purchase the DIGITAL ones. Read the directions and practice with it. There may be a way to set up beeps...you obviously want to insure that is off. Mine had background lighting I could turn off and on. Turn off to save battery duration and so it can't be seen in a dark garage.

Also, purchase a ton of batteries. If you're good at returning things within the timeframe buy 2 or 3 recorders and just return them for cash within ___ days (I think 30 at Radio Shack).

Also, use cash and hide the receipt. What you're doing may be illegal and if you ever get busted by WH he may threaten to press charges. Deny, deny, deny. He's got not proof...tell him to "have at it" and dial the police for him. You've never seen that recorder before...WH must be setting you up. Turn the questions back on him.


BTW...how do we KNOW your husband is having an affair. Cause they are all the same. Since their phone calls date back to last January, 2005 it has likely already progressed to physical. Be prepared for the truth emotionally.

You will make it.

Mr. Wondering

Mr.wondering,
HOW???? What can I do to prepare myself for something like this? He has called her (before my letting him know I was on to him) around 9:30 pm on his bowling night, and then they would call each other again at around 12:30 am. Were they meeting somewhere and then calling each other to make sure the other got home ok??? When I asked him this question, he said "I don't know". That's all I get when I ask questions. Is there certain questions I should be asking and how do I get an honest answer?

vettech, stop asking him questions. He will not bust himself, he will only lie to you. It is a waste of time. Instead, spend your time and energy on snooping out the truth.

Then when you get the evidence, you don't ask him, you simply TELL HIM you know the truth and ask for his explanation.

Another option is to have them tailed [a PI or a friend] on bowling nights or place a GPS unit in his car, see where he goes and follow him yourself.

Once you get the info come here and we'll advise. I know you think you can discuss things with your husband. He has undoubtedly been your best friend and confidant for years. Not anymore.

Do not believe anything, ANYTHING, he says and only 50% of what he does. Get the proof and come back here. Don't allow him the warning so he can take his actions underground. Hide the tape recorder under the passenger or drivers seat and wait a few days.

Mr. Wondering