My story is under subject DO I END IT?
Ark - Thanks for all the posts about my sitch and others. You've said a lot of things that I've read, heard, felt.

You know, I read the answers to my posts and I read what others are going through. I can literally feel all the pain, anguish, I can see the tears, I can feel the stomach in knots and I have to ask......

IS ALL THAT REALLY WORTH IT? To try so desperately to keep someone who cared so little about me from walking out? How do you ever trust again? To do whatever I can to wrestle him back from the arms of someone else? When I allow my mind to go down that road... him in bed w/her.

The A happened in the first year of our marriage. There were lots of things going on back then; we've been married almost 9 years. There were issues w/stepkids playing games and being allowed to. There were issues related to my past as a teenager (30 years ago) that I wasn't honest about during dating and marriage. There were issues w/a vindictive EX (his) that made court an annual event for us.

I did not take the time to truly know him. I was head over heels infatuated and married after 7 months knowing him. Didn't take the time to truly know him; still had stars in my eyes. Boy did the blinders come off fast.

Still, I chose to stay after the A because I loved him SO much and couldn't imagine life without him. I had lived 38 years without him but couldn't comprehend the remainder of my life that way.

Now I can't help but wonder how stupid one woman can be. He didn't love me enough to keep his pants up. He didn't love me enough to tell his kids that he loved them but our home was a home and not their playground. He didn't love me enough to protect me and cherish me like I did him.

I was semi honest about a part of my past about 4 weeks before our wedding. I almost lost him but convinced him to get married. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I then set about doing everything I could to make him love me. I took care of everything. I did everything around the house; ;you name it, I did it. I did everything in the yard. I washed the cars. He ate, slept, worked. Period. I did the rest. I distinctly remember washing the car that he took on a trip to the mountains just into our second year of marriage and he took her w/him.

I found out about the A. He didn't confess until I confronted him. I was away w/work the weekend I finally figured out the password for his voicemail. I listened to the dozen voicemails from her talking about how she missed making love to my H.

Apparently he had broken it off before I found out. She continued to try and contact him and even after all this time (that was in 1998) she still called him last year. I got over the A by myself. He didn't give me code to voicemail. He didn't want to talk about it. She left a song on his VM and when that song came on radio when we were together he wouldn't change it and I cried. He got mad.

We've been separated almost 2 years and I need to get this mess over with. I keep waffling, doing the what if stuff. What if we could make it work, what if I went home and it got better. What if we get a divorce and I wake up six months from now saying "My God, what have I done"? What if I go home and wake up six months from now and say "My God, what have I done?"

I don't think I want to go through the rest of my years wondering if he's talking to some woman. If I say the name of a man more than 3 or 4 times, he accuses me of having an A w/him. But, he can laugh, joke, cut up w/women all day and that's just business or "Have you looked at her; do you think I would be attracted to someone that big or that ugly or that......?"

I'm still in church. Still in the same church I was attending when we got married. He stopped going a few years back. Slowly he stopped going altogether after stopping one service at a time. It got to the point where we would get up on Sunday morning and I would say "Are U going 2 church?" If I did that he would get mad and say "You're not my Mama; you don't tell me what to do." So, I finally told him that I would not ask again. My child and I would go and if he wanted to he was welcomed but, if not, we were going anyway. It all went downhill from there.

There continued to be fights over my past, what I did as a 15-17 year old; I'm now mid 40s. Continued fights over steps. SS moved back and forth between our house and the Ex's about a dozen times in 3 years. Dropped out of school at 16; got girl preg, baby 3 months old and they got married. Few weeks after, they moved in w/us. I told my H no in no uncertain terms. My relationship w/my SS was horrible and that had caused a major amount of sttrife between me and my H. But, he didn't care. I had told him another part of my past that he constantly questioned me about so he didn't care. He moved them in and in about 3 weeks me and my child moved out; been out about 2 years.

He has accused me of A w/man at church. No A but did develop a friendship. Seldom talk w/him now. Occasionally pass at church and speak. Never any phone contact, no email, voice mail, letters, smoke signals, etc. Never alone w/him. Was it inappropriate? I don't know. I wasn't having A, wasn't looking for A. If I ever get out of this mess, I pray to God he gives me the wisdom to never date anyone capable of an A.

My H constantly accuses me and says this is why we are where we are now. I've tried to tell him that I am not having A and that this person has no bearing on what is going on w/us. I've told him that I did not walk out of a perfectly good marriage. I walked out of a broken marriage.

Because I continue to go to church and this person is there, we have major fights. Actually, I defend and he becomes nasty. He curses me like a sailor (slut, ******, and lots worse), threatens to tell everyone about my past, threatens to come to church and confront this person, threatens to make my life H*ll (as if it isn't already), etc. He has thrown things at me, pushed me around but the worst is the emotional abuse that I've suffered.

He is a double standards kind of man. I have prayed for signs and believe they've been answered. I believe the best thing for me and my child (whom he adopted - I don't want her around him) is to end it and get on w/our lives.

But, the times I've told him I want D, he cries and begs and threatens to committ suicide. Then, I waffle. I back down. Things coast. I don't go to church to appease. But, I go back to church and it starts all over.

Plus, he berates me for having a smart mouth but is constantly making little jabs like "Did you see your boyfriend?", "Maybe you can sit w/him today". Nasty, nasty, nasty.

And, by the way, he says because of what I've done (he came to church a few times to spy and saw me talking to person in parking lot - along w/rest of church) he resumed relationship w/2nd EX wife. I read two letters she wrote to him that she loved him and was praying that he and I would divorce so she could have second chance.

There's also a woman he met via our business that he has been threatening me with; If you go to church you know where I'll be. I've seen cell phone bill w/numerous calls to and from her including some at 1 and 2 am. She called house few weeks ago and I was there. When I answered she hung up. I looked at caller ID and told him who it was. Immediately his cell phone rang but he wouldn't answer it. His excuse later was that she thought she had the wrong #. I said, "When I get a wrong number I usually dial the number back".

Well, all this babbling to ask "Why?" Why do we (men and women) spend so much of our lives trying to get back something that can never be trusted again? I look at him sometimes and think " How could you?" How could you come home to me and do what you've done? How could you pretend that all was well?

And, the biggest question of all, "Why on earth would I want someone like the person I've described in my life?" Am I of so little worth and value that I think that someone like him is all I deserve? That I have to have him in my life in order to be a whole person and in order to survive?
That I have to have this man that I don't trust even looking at him? This double standards man that can flirt and kid around but I can't say a man's name more than 3 times? Thia man that has a past that in most respects mirrors mine but I'm the slut? This man that has slept w/at least 10 women in the past 20 years (only 3 of whom have been spouses) but I've only been with my two husbands in that time but I'm the slut?

I'm like the guy on the TV commercial that has all the "keeping up w/the Jones stuff"; house, car, country club membership, and says he's up to his eyeballs in debt.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

I suggest you stop going to that church. Then file for divorce.

I can understand why you recommend filing but, why do you recommend that I leave my church?

life2short,

The way I see it, you are at base #1: do you want to save your M, is it worth saving?
Only you can answer that.

Not sure what you mean by base #1?
Worth saving - There are times I think we have allowed so much to go on without resolving anything that it would be impossible to go backward.
I saw in another person's post earlier something to the effect that her WH is now saying things that she would have loved to hear 2 years ago and i think that's where I am.
2-3 years ago if he had told me he loved me, complemented me, said he couldn't live w/o me I would have lapped it up like a kitten w/milk.
Now, when he says those things it makes no impact whatsoever.
I've prayed that God would allow me to fall in love w/him again but I haven't.
I really don't know what to do.
I know the decision is mine.

my apologies .... I thought you were someone else

I absolutely agree w/you that I am in the marriage I created. Truer words never spoken. The "whys" and "wherefores" don't really matter.

You said:
when your integrity comes face-to-face with your anxiety
you return to behaviors that don't fix anything
and
conflict avoidance means you place your immediate comfort above your integrity

Can you explain what you mean by "your integrity"? I want to make sure I understand and don't misinterpret something.

You're exactly right. I back down every time. I never looked at it as an integrity issue just a difficulty in making a decision, committing to it and following it through. It's easier to avoice the nasty by backing down on the divorce.

I know you all are only getting one side of this convoluted story and you might have different comments/advice if you knew both. I wish I had found this site years ago. I bought so many books on blended famiiies and self help books for marriages that my H would never read. I tried so hard to keep it all together and I did it all by myself.

I want to resolve and I want to make a decision and stick to it regardless of the discomfort.

sorry again

my error

my error

sorry

error

Know what?

I just realized I have you confused with another woman

YOU are married but separated from a violent man

here is my revised opinion

[color:"red"]GET A DIVORCE [/color]

Can you please explain why you think I should stop attending this church?

Because your husband does not like you attending where this other man is. The best thing is to attend another church for now, and that takes care of that.

I still think I would file for a divorce. And please tell me, was there anything that was ever good in your marriage?

You know, I've asked myself that question ad nauseum. Yes. We did have some good moments but....
1. we had so much working against us w/the stepkids' issue and their mom wreaking havoc
2. the A less than one year after our marriage
3. the loss of his job
4. his health issues
5. my lack of honesty about even simple things
6. my desire to make the marriage work by being a slave in my own home and letting him have his way w/money, etc.
7. and on and on and on

I know I've painted him as a totally bad person but he is not. I've done my share of stuff to bring the marriage to where it is today.

The biggest problems I have are the way he reacts violently and nasty (name calling, threats, etc.) and the double standard of him being able to talk to whomever, whenever but I best not talk to anyone.

Marriage is hard under the best of circumstances but, add all of the above in and it really gets bad.

Regarding my honesty, I often told him that I did not talk to a friend or family member when I did because of how he would react if he had known. There were times I was honest about something and he would totally blow up and that's why I started lying about simple stuff. I'm not proud of that and that's why I say I've caused my share of the problems we have because he has caught me being dishonest.

There's a Christian man who does marriage counseling/seminars for couples who have reached rock bottom. The name is Joe Beem I think. I heard him on the radio a few weeks ago and he said that early in a relationship patterns are set regarding honesty. He said that the way a person reacts when you tell them something will determine whether you keep on being honest and telling that person things about you or whether you shut down and shut up. He said that the other person's reaction gives you the validation that they are or are not going to judge you and you are given permission to be honest or not.

When I was honest about things in my past my husband then used them against me during future fights, arguments, disagreements.

He has often told me that if I had been honest about my past when I was 15-17 years old (I'm now in my mid 40s), we would not be married and wouldn't be going through what we are going through now. He has no idea how much I wish I had been honest. But, his reaction has made me feel that I have to go underground with my past if I get a divorce and meet someone in the future that I might consider having a relationship with. I have a past that I am extremely ashamed of. I didn't break any laws but I did things that some people might take exception to.

Forgot....
If I stop attending this church until our situation is resolved one way or another, what about my child who is a member of the youth group there? Do I drop my child there and go to church elsewhere or not at all or do I take my child with me to whatever church I go to and what message am I sending to my child? I really don't want to attend another church and it has nothing to do w/the guy. It's my church. My family and friends are there and I don't feel God leading me to go anywhere else.
Early in our marriage the steps started playing games and we started going to other churches and almost ended up quitting altogether. I never want to go through that again.

Forgot....
If I stop attending this church until our situation is resolved one way or another, what about my child who is a member of the youth group there? Do I drop my child there and go to church elsewhere or not at all or do I take my child with me to whatever church I go to and what message am I sending to my child? I really don't want to attend another church and it has nothing to do w/the guy. It's my church. My family and friends are there and I don't feel God leading me to go anywhere else.
Early in our marriage the steps started playing games and we started going to other churches and almost ended up quitting altogether. I never want to go through that again.

Please life2

get yourself safe...
file for legal seperation or whatever it is you need to do..

STOP ENGAGING in this nonsensical powerstruggling over stupid stupid stuff...

engage in not one more arguement over man at church
what you did at fifteen
etc
etc
etc..

change your role in all of this...

you can not even discuss reconcilliation with this man until he has 6-12 months of anger management and counseling...

he is mentally ill....and is refusing treatment...therefor there is NOTHING you can do to help him...

you keep going to him (he is an alligator waiting to bite) and attempting to pet him like a kitten...(and then he bites you over and over again....)
yet it is you that keeps going to him...

I am more concerned about your safety when you proceed to really seperate and refuse to engage in his chaos...

will he really come after you
do you think you have cause to be fearful..

is your daughter safe from him...

you must plan this out....

this issue is not fixed by changing churches..this issue is fixed by you ending your participation in his warped game...

you don't have to divorce..but you must fully protect..
you must STOP being a willing participant in his chaos...

you need to go one day..
then another
and another..until you learn to experience and enjoy no chaos and drama....

you haven't ever done yet....

ARK

will he really come after you
do you think you have cause to be fearful..

I don't think so. He is more verbal than physical. He knows the right buttons to push to make me mad, sad, angry, etc. I don't fear him as in he will hurt me physically, just the word game. He's never threatened to hurt me although he has told me that there were times when I was asleep (when we were still together) that he thought about killing me. But, I have to say that he has said so many things to me only to turn around and say that he wasn't serious, didn't mean it, didn't do it, etc.

this issue is fixed by you ending your participation in his warped game...
How do I do this? My child and I live one county away. Child still goes to school in district in before the separation. I take child to school and child gets off bus at the home he and I lived in. I moved out and he stayed in our home. So, I go there daily to get child. I also help w/paperwork for business we have together.

I have to say that since I went to church this past Wed there has been minimal contact w/him. He was calling constantly but has really slacked off. I know it's because I made him mad about going to church. I will be going this morning too. I'm not trying to hurt him and sometimes I think it's not about hurt it's about control. He controls my every move from several miles away.

So, don't think me and my child are in physical danger from him. Just think I'm in verbal danger!!! He loves to threaten because he knows it "gets my goat".

well no longer offer him your goat...

does he drink do drugs

No to both.

Just got calls from him. Wanting to start fight because I'm going to church. The old "if you go to church you know where I'll be" routine. If I go to church because of the other guy he is going to the woman's house that he has been talking on the cell phone to in the middle of the night.

Calling me an f***ing ******, b**ch, etc. Told me if I went to church there would be ****** to go through. He knows how to get me. Amazing that he didn't call me at all yesterday although I saw him at mutual friend's house but he can call me on Sunday morning when I'm getting dressed for church and start such crap.

I told him I was not going to argue w/him. Told him I loved him and would talk to him later. Cursed me out as I was hanging up.

Please pray that I'm doing the right thing by going to church and by not engaging in an argument. I pray today will be the day I will either get fed up enough to continue w/the divorce or today will be the day that God will open my eyes to the possibility of reconciliation. Either way I want to make a move soon.

2006 will be mine and my child's year. We've both been wandering in the wilderness too long. We need a home of our own. We need freedom from what we've been going through.